Entangled (29 page)

Sal: I really think we should talk today.

I was bored now: Tomorrow or nothing.

I looked at her, stared her into submission. She nodded a meek little nod.

I shot out of the classroom as soon as the bell went. I didn’t want her following me. I wanted to get to the woods, but I only made it halfway down the corridor. I couldn’t allow anyone to see me – the library was the only option. I ducked in among the reference shelves. Only just made it in time before the tear ducts let loose: a total onslaught. Sobbing in silence.

Explain about Easter? What about Easter?

Think about it
.

No no no no no no no. It can’t be true. It’s not possible. No. Yes
.

Don’t think about it
.

Stop it. Stop it now. This isn’t part of the plan. It doesn’t change anything. Think about something else, anything else. Look at the books
.

I pulled an encyclopedia of British birds from the nearest shelf and sat on the floor.
Look how many different types of seagull there are … count them, memorize them. Read the Latin names …again and again and again
.

Gazing, touching, wanting, fucking
.

Footsteps. ‘Grace? Grace, is that you?’

I wanted the book to swallow me up. But it didn’t.

Sophie knelt down in front of me. ‘Grace! What’s the matter?’

‘Nothing. I’m fine.’ Choking sobs betrayed me.

She sat down next to me and put her arm around my shoulders, whispering, ‘Shhh, it’ll be OK,’ over and over again. I leaned into her.

More footsteps approaching. I didn’t dare look up.

Sophie hissed at whoever it was. ‘Go on, piss off!’ The footsteps fled. I laughed, still crying.

‘That’s better. More laughing, less crying. Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?’

I shook my head.

‘You know you can trust me, don’t you?’
You can’t trust anyone, ever
.

But I nodded anyway.

‘Do you want me to go and find Sal?’

I shook my head again, harder.

‘Is there anything I can do to help?’

‘No,’ I whispered. ‘Thank you.’
Right. Pull yourself together now
. I took a deep, juddery breath. ‘I think I’m OK now.’
Liar
.

Sophie wasn’t buying it. ‘Well, let’s just sit here for a bit longer. We don’t have to talk.’

I was pathetically grateful. I wasn’t quite ready to face the world yet – I needed to put my armour on more carefully this time. Make sure there were no chinks. I leaned my head against hers and we sat in silence.

I nearly told her. So nearly. But I had to stick to the plan.

The bell went and I dragged myself to my feet. A rush of dizziness so that I had to steady myself against the shelf.

Sophie got up too. Her knees made a cracking sound, which made us both smile. She pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. ‘I … I hope you’re feeling better. If you ever …’

I nodded. ‘Thanks for being so great. I feel loads better now.’

It suddenly hit me: this would be the last time I ever saw her. Breathing was difficult. I hugged her fiercely. ‘You’re a real friend, you know that?’ She looked puzzled, but I ploughed ahead. ‘What you did today – it … really helped. Don’t ever forget that. I’m sorry for being such a bitch. I wish things could have been different.’
Shhh. She’ll guess. Stop talking
.

‘Hey, it’s OK. We
can
be friends, Grace. I’d like that a lot.’

I felt all hollowed out. ‘Me too.’

I walked away. Hating myself even more than I hated
them
.

Don’t look back. Stay strong … Not long now
.

The afternoon was fine. My armour protected me from everything and everyone and, most of all, from me. Listened carefully in lessons, took notes about battles and kings and things. Memorized the dates and names.

And then it was over. School was over. Everyone streamed out of the school gates, just happy that another Monday was done and dusted.

I saw Devon waiting at the bus stop. He saw me too. I walked towards him and he looked worried, guilty, trapped. The bus arrived and he barged to the front of the queue, desperate to escape.

I let him go. He didn’t matter, not really.

Home. An envelope for me, from Nat.

Terrible handwriting, just like mine.

No stamp or postmark – delivered by hand. I peeked out the window in case he was watching. He wasn’t.

Why hadn’t he waited to see me?

You don’t want to see him. It won’t make any difference. It’s better this way
.

I sat on the sofa, the envelope sitting next to me.

Read it. Don’t read it. Read it. Don’t read it. Don’t read it. Don’t read it. Don’t read it. Don’t read it. It will just be lies. Lies and excuses and more lies
.

You can’t trust anyone, ever
.

I ripped it into tiny pieces – pieces so small no one could ever put them together again. I scattered them into the recycling bin.

Dinner with Mum in front of the telly.
Pass the salt, please
.

Washing the dishes. Putting everything back in its place.

Studying the knives in the knife block. Choosing.

Time to go to the park one last time
.

Time to go, Grace
.

And that was that. Mission accomplished. Monday was over.

I was over.

Or so I thought.