I shook my head.
“And I certainly never would have agreed to it being distributed for the masses. Jace and I are in the public eye, but certain aspects of our lives are not public domain.”
Dixie rested her chin on her hand. “How has it changed things for you?”
“Obviously I lost some endorsements and some jobs, but I’ve also been presented with opportunities behind the scenes I might not have pursued before.”
“You’re talking about your producing gig for the new girl band, Unapologetic B!tches,” she segued easily, and just like that we were on a brand new topic.
Kamaria joined us on stage before the band performed, and then Diego joined us for the closing segment where he was featured for a guitar solo that brought the audience to their feet.
I was proud of how he handled himself for the interview, where he played his shyness to his advantage. When Dixie asked him if he and I would be collaborating in the future, he turned to me with a look of sincerity that touched me. “I hope so.”
I reached for his hand and we shared a smile together.
It was a long time coming, but I finally had a family. Now, thanks to Dixie, the whole world could see how truly blessed I had been.
After the last horrible month, I actually looked forward to my birthday celebration. This was despite the fact Coy and Eddie were scheduled to appear at an Orange County fundraiser for one of their colleagues, notably one who vocally and successfully supported Proposition 8, which legally prevented California gays from marrying. I had a sneaking suspicion they were going to level another boom in my direction as a sexual deviant at the root of America’s destruction.
I had no idea what was about to happe
n. Looking back I can safely say no one did.
Suffice it to say, I was about to get the present of a lifetime.
Los Angeles, CA
August 22, 2012
The entire week leading up to my performance on
Fierce
was a huge, happy homecoming from the moment I stepped back on that stage. Everything felt familiar, from the surroundings to the crew. It was like going to visit a favorite teacher long after one graduated high school. Imogene Costas wore her patented scary scowl as I stepped up to rehearse in front of her for the first time in nearly a year, but even that couldn’t rain all over my mood. I grinned as I walked over to hug her hello, which she indulged for a moment before she growled playfully that we didn’t have time for any “mushy” displays of emotion.
Giovanni Carnevale, however, did not agree. Vanni raced from his private office across the studio lot the minute he heard I arrived, solely to give me a monstrous hug as he spun me around effortlessly. “Welcome home, baby girl!” he exclaimed.
I giggled as he placed me gently back on my feet. Despite the hectic schedule, and an equally hectic home life with a toddler and another on the way, Vanni looked as breathtaking as ever as his dark hair fell down past his shoulders in a wild, curly curtain. “Speaking of baby, how’s Andy doing?”
He grinned like the proud papa he was. “
We hit the 20-week mark on Monday, so she’s finally out of the ‘all-day-sickness’ part of the pregnancy. She sent me out for jelly donuts and beef jerky at two in the morning.”
I laughed. “You know you love it.”
His eyes sparkled. “Small price to pay to bring a healthy soldier into the fold, especially one that is going to balance the distribution of estrogen in the Carnevale household.”
My eyes opened wide. “It’s a boy?”
He held a finger to his lips. “Don’t tell anyone.”
“Are you kidding? I have PING on speed dial,” I teased and he responded with tickle fingers until I nearly peed my pants. “Stop, stop! I’m sorry!”
He gave me a playful nudge. “I guess I better quit before someone whips out their camera phone.”
I rolled my eyes. “Come on. I have someone I want you to meet.” I hooked my arm with his and walked him over to
Kamaria and the girls. Even though they were seasoned Unapologetic B!tches, every single one of them, even Lilith, the lesbian drummer with a hot pink crew cut, melted under his undeniable sex appeal.
“I’ve heard a lot about you,” he said as he greeted each and every one of them with a hug. “Let’s see what you can do.”
My B!tches, as they had come to call themselves, nearly blasted the roof right off the studio as they launched into “A-Hole,” a song that could have easily described Vanni’s manwhore days. He laughed along with the outrageous lyrics, not offended in the least.
“
You think you’re slick but you’re old news. You think you’re dynamite, but you got no fuse. You want me to beg but I refuse. Cuz you ain’t nothin’ but an A-hole. Chasing tail like a dog with a bone, one day you’re gonna end up alone. You play with girls, but honey I’m grown. And I know you’re nothin’ but an A-Hole
.”
He applauded loud and long when they were done. “That’s a number one hit if I ever heard one. I love it!” he said. Then he looked down at me. “And I love you.”
We shared a friendly brotherly kiss before he left us to rehearse.
I didn’t see him again till the morning of August 22, my birthday, when the entire cast threw me a surprise party prior to our taping of
Fierce
. Jorge Navarro, who had been working on a movie, flew in specifically to style us all, and he transformed me once again into a Diva. He insisted I wear a corset top that showed a heck of a lot of cleavage I generally never showed, but he grinned as he reminded me, “Like you have something we haven’t seen before.”
The entire cast had helped me get over a lot of the humiliation I felt, by treating me no different than they had when we worked together the year before. Instead they made a joke about my newfound and unexpected role as a porn star. And the way they enveloped Maya and Diego into the fold touched me in a very profound and unexpected way. Maggie stayed with Maya as she visited the studio, to ensure she had immediate medical attention if she needed it. Graham had charmed Maya endlessly, which made her blush just like a teenager every time he smiled her way.
Yael had made it down to the studio to catch a rehearsal with Diego, leaving my little brother star-struck as they jammed together for most of the afternoon.
Everything was falling into place. It honestly scared the crap out of me. One recurring theme throughout the last two years of my life was that every good thing that happened to me came complete with two ugly stepsisters to keep me humbled.
I was apprehensive all the way up to show time, even though the mood around me was jovial and festive.
I didn’t know how… I didn’t know when… but the rug was about to be pulled out under me. I just knew it.
Jace sat right up front with Maya, Maggie and Graham. Diego was in costume and ready to accompany me on stage. Dominique, looking exotic and elegant in her strapless red gown, sashayed out center stage. “I don’t know if you know this, y’all, but this is a very special day for the
Fierce
family. In 1992, one of our favorite finalists… and yours!... was born in Oswen, Iowa.” As soon as the audience realized what was happening, people hopped to their feet screaming for me. She could barely get out the rest before their thundering applause segued right into the opening notes of “I’m Not Sorry.”
Unlike all the songs performed on that stage, “
I’m Not Sorry” was my most defiant. I wasn’t trying to win anyone over, that ship had sailed. I didn’t have to beg anyone for approval – I was free to be me. Sure, I wasn’t everyone’s ideal, but for those hundreds of screaming fans on their feet as they sang every note of every song, I was something special.
I didn’t have the time or patience to chase after the permission to exist, especially from people who were
hell-bent to withhold it. I got to decide for myself who I was going to be… whether fierce, unstoppable or epic.
No apologies were necessary.
I owned that stage and everyone who watched, sharing the spotlight with my brother who shredded his solo. Girls in the front row screamed for him by name, and he bestowed a shy smile before he threw the song back to me.
Everyone hopped to their feet as I brought it home. Dominique walked out to join me center stage. “Jordi!” she exclaimed. “You are fierce, girl!” The audience screamed in agreement. “Happy 20
th
,” she said with a big smile.
“Thank you!” I answered breathlessly.
“You were so young when you started your journey here with us. What have you learned about this process that you wish to share with any little girl out there with a big dream?”
“You have to be yourself,” I answered to the camera. “There are a lot of people who want to stuff you in a little box, but you don’t have to stay anywhere you don’t fit. You have a voice. And it deserves to be heard.”
“Amen, girl,” Dom said a she motioned Diego over to join us. “And who is this handsome young man?”
“This is my brother, Diego Palermo,” I said as I put my arm around his shoulders. I pointed to Maya sitting in the audience. “And that’s
our mom, Maya.”
Dom turned to Maya. “You must be so proud of your talented kids!”
She nodded and waved from where she leaned against Graham to honor our performance with her own determined standing ovation.
“We’re proud of her,” I told Dom as I smiled at my mom.
“Did you know when you gave birth to her twenty years ago that she would be the amazing talent she’s become?” Dom asked.
Vanni ran a microphone over to Maya, who responded with effort. “Of course I knew. She was destined to be amazing. And she’s never disappointed me.”
I choked up in spite of myself, and Vanni added on by saying, “She’s never disappointed us, either, Mama,” he said before he gave her a big hug.
Dom turned back to me. “I hear that you brought along some of your friends.”
I nodded. “I did. And I can’t wait for you to meet them.”
Dom grinned as she handed off her rhinestone studded microphone.
“Go on, girl.”
I turned back to the camera. “You think we’re fierce? Wait till you meet my Unapologetic B!tches!”
We trotted off stage as the B!tches exploded onto stage with “A-hole.” By the time the song was over, every single girl in that audience had participated in the call and response portion of the song, which was ready for download the minute Kamaria sang the first note. I checked my phone and my girls were trending.
We introduced the girls before we had to disappear backstage, so they could get to the business of elimination night. The B!tches and I were in great spirits after the successful debut, so much so that I was flying high by the time Jace found me backstage.
“You did great!” he said as he hugged me close. “My triumphant Jordi.”
I laughed. “Yeah, but tomorrow it’ll rain and our house will slide down the hill. Sleep with one eye open.”
He laughed. “Did anyone ever tell you that you were a pessimist?” he asked before he kissed me long and deep and in full view of everyone.
Diego shyly interrupted. He had spent way more time with Griffin than Jace, so my lover intimidated my little brother even when he didn’t intend to. But after years of abusive male role models, Diego had no choice but to tread carefully.
“Hey, Jordi?”
I broke free. “Yeah?”
He held up his phone. “I got a message from Griffin.”
My stomach dropped. Had Angus seen the performance and decided to distance himself from anything and everything to do with me? I had bravely asserted that I’d rather be liked for who I am than pretend to be something else, but I really didn’t want to lose “
Pieces of Me.” It was the only variable left in my career, which was otherwise poised to have a major comeback.
Griffin’s timely phone call had to be the other shoe dropping. Because that’s how my life worked.
“What did he want?” I asked as I mentally braced myself.
Diego held up the phone to show me a breaking news headline from a major news channel. I nearly fell right to my knees. Jace caught me as he read along, in shock, behind me.
POLITICAL SHOCKER IN CALIFORNIA IS A GAMECHANGER FOR TENNESSEE!!
“
A shockwave was felt across the country Wednesday night as promising senatorial candidate Coy Goddard fell into a scandal of his own during his tour of Southern California. Goddard, a Republican from Tennessee, had at the cornerstone of his campaign a message of traditional, Christian family values. This is the second attempt for public office by Goddard, as a prior run for Senate was cut short by his daughter’s announcing she had become pregnant out of wedlock.
The message for the new campaign celebrated the idea of
faith and family. At his side, representing the rest of the Goddard family was Edward Nix, who had recently become engaged to Goddard’s daughter, Shelby. Shelby Goddard, who rose to fame on last season of the runaway hit, ‘Fierce,’ had collapsed in New York City in July. She hasn’t been seen since she returned to a private hospital in Tennessee, but her faithful fiancé had traveled with Goddard throughout much of the country in her stead.