The main things that happen the first two days, he told us, are
experiencing data (undefined) presented by the trainer, sharing
experiences with other trainees (he told us we didn't have to share if
we didn't want to), and undergoing
processes
. He implied that the
processes are central to the training but that he couldn't really describe
them to us. They happen with your eyes closed, he said, so that you're
alone with yourself to look at the way you put your life together. He
stressed that it is not meditation. However, other people have described
it as resembling "guided meditation." A similar technique is called
"guided fantasy." An
est
brochure gives the following technical
definition of a process: "A training process is a method by which a
person experiences and looks at, in an expanded state of consciousness
and without judgment, what is actually so with regard to specific areas
in his or her life, and one's fixed or unconscious attitudes about those
areas. The intended result of doing a training process is a release to
greater spontaneity."
Between his talk and answers to questions from the audience, I began
to piece together some of the concepts behind the training. It went
something like this:
Most of us don't experience life at all. We generalize or conceptualize --
"l don't feel well" or "I'm tired" -- instead of being specific about
what is happening, for instance "I have tenseness in the left side of
my jaw" or "I'm avoiding doing the dishes."
When we break down our beliefs to deal in a more direct way with our
experience, the barriers to experience simply disappear.
Among other things, the processes offer us the opportunity to look into
our minds to see the beliefs that get us stuck and the automatic behavior,
and past conditioning, that prevent us from acting responsibly. Stewart's
example was "When you meet someone new, such as a sixty-five-year-old
man with gray hair, do you see him as he is or do you immediately notice
his resemblance to your father, grandfather, or someone else? The little
voice inside you that points up the resemblance is the automatic and
unconscious behavior that keeps you from seeing and experiencing him
this very moment as he really is."
While Stewart was talking, I remembered a Jules Feiffer cartoon that
shows a disembodied head trying to connect its body. In the last frame,
it almost reaches the body but can't quite get securely attached. The
message was clear: We've gotten into our heads at the expense of our
bodies. Noticing how we feel, what we feel, and where we feel -- whether
through
est
processes or any other technique -- is the mark of
being truly alive.
Stewart put it another way. "If we can have a dfrect experience without
it being limited by our thoughts, our attitudes, by that little voice,
and if we can become aware of that little voice, we can then become
spontaneous instead of mechanical."
And from Marcia: "You get the space to have a direct experience of who you
are, not through your mind, your thoughts, your attitudes, your feelings,
or through your understanding. You get the space to stop evaluating and
judging and, instead, react to life spontaneously."
After an hour-and-a-half the seminar leaders called for a break. We were
told to look for people with blue-edged name tags who would happily tell
us about their
est
experiences. The saved will communicate with
the heathen, I mused as I headed for the door and a cigarette.
A lovely young blue-tagged woman (a secretary) approached me. I asked
her what
est
had done for her. "I still have the same problems,"
she answered me directly, "but I see them differently and I'm having
more fun."
A fortyish lawyer told me that after hating his father for thirty years,
they had been reunited in his father's old age. There was a hint of a tear
in his eye as he said this.
Alongside me a woman asked if
est
would interfere with her therapy.
The graduate explained that
est
is
est
and therapy is therapy,
and that she could have both.
As I headed back into the room a lively and pretty woman buttonholed me
to share that she would never be the same again. "I have a new awareness
of what I do and it's working. My life is . . ." She paused to search
for the right word, which turned out to be, again, "working."
When we were settled in our chairs, a well-dressed businessman
immediately complained about the hard sell. He compared it to selling
toothpaste. To which Stewart replied, "We want to share the training with
you. And we want to present it so that you get to make the choice about
participating or not. We have no investment or need to make you take the
training." Marcia had said earlier, "We in
est
don't feel we have
the only way. And we think that
est
has shown it is
a
way."
We were then invited to ask questions. Marcia quoted a Werner aphorism:
"In life, understanding is the booby prize." There were titters through
the audience as hands shot up. They all wanted to understand, regardless.
Is
est
anti-intellectual? Stewart answered, "We use words to
wrap our experiences in. One of the objectives of the training is to
allow you to begin to listen to where the words come from instead of
just hearing the words." The questioner looked confused but politely
sat down. I thought of how so many of us cling, like drowning men,
to old ideas without looking at the truth of our lives right now.
A tense young woman wanted to know if, after
est
, a couple can
"come together more" or if their relationship might get worse. Marcia
answered in her no-nonsense voice. "Either.
And
whichever way it
turns out people seem to get value and nourishment from it as a result
of the training." She added that if they come to the training together
they won't be permitted to sit together.
Her use of the word "and" jarred me. I had been hearing it all evening
in places where I would have consistently used "but." As I ventured
further into
est
I soon found that everyone seemed to use "and"
-- usually emphasized -- in places where I didn't expect it and didn't
understand it. Eventually I got that it implies that alternatives exist,
as opposed to the either/or thinking that rules both our language and
our behavior but limits you both by word and attitude.
The money question was raised by an efficient-looking elderly man. "Who
owns the common stock?"
est
is profit-making, came the answer, but
not in Hawaii.
And
the intention is not to make a profit; it all
goes back into expansion. A man in the back called out that $250 sounded
cheap to him. "My wife spent $3,000 this year on therapy," he announced,
"and she's still crazy." I saw heads nodding around the room. I guessed
that hundreds of thousands of dollars had gone down in therapy from the
group assembled that evening. And that many of them saw themselves as
still crazy.
The questions rolled on. Yes, deaf and dumb people can take the
training. . . . No, age is no barrier; we had a woman take it who is
ninety-four and we have training for children as young as six. . . .
Yes, if you have medical problem about going to the bathroom you can bring
a note from your doctor and you can go to the bathroom when you need to.
. . . No, you don't have to do anything during the training except be
there. Yes, it's true that we ask you to refrain from alcohol, marijuana,
medications -- except those prescribed by your physician -- sleeping
pills, etc., immediately before and during the training. . . .
It struck me that a disproportionate number of questions concerned
toileting and eating. Alter I had been through the training, I was less
surprised by these questions. The trainer had repeatedly reminded us that
we all live our lives as though we are tubes -- our primary concern being
what goes in and comes out of our bodies, "Food and shit, shit and food,"
the litany went. It was all uncomfortably familiar.
"Is it brainwashing?" someone who had just read an anti-
est
article
asked. The answer: "In my experience it is not. Each person sees from
their own point of view. The author of that article had a particular
point of view and what I can tell you is that what the article had to
say is not my experience of the training." The article, in fact, had
been scathing, and
est
, true to form, never put it down.
People began to come to
est
's defense. A middle-aged man said
he was there because a friend who took the training was now doing hang
gliding. Before, he was scared of everything.
Another said, "I've gone all around the world to get enlightened. And this
is where I've wound up."
A woman shared that a friend of hers had never
seen
flowers before.
And another complained that taking the training was like buying real estate
in Florida without seeing it.
Each person who spoke got a positive response: thank you, fabulous,
wonderful, O.K. Astute and clever remarks received no more points than
dumb ones. Everyone was acknowledged equally. No one got an argument
or a defense or a deliberate evasion from the seminar leaders. If they
didn't know the answer, they simply said so.
The large guest seminars wind down with more anecdotes and finally a sales
pitch. There are usually a handful of spaces left in the next couple of
trainings and then nothing until three or four months thence. People are
told they need to reserve their space in advance by making a deposit of
$30; and that trainings fill very quickly. There's a sense that if you
don't act right away you might miss the greatest opportunity of your
life. (There are about 12,000 people across the country pre-enrolled in
the training. In most cities, the wait for a training is two to three
months. Sometimes additional trainings are added, giving people the
opportunity to register for a training only a few weeks away.) When
the seminars are over, there are invariably lines around the sign-up
tables. I understand that 15 to 20 percent of those attending usually
enroll: Happiness is contagious.
The regular guest seminars, which are given every evening when there
is a graduate seminar (in New York this is up to five times a week),
and which attract several dozen to several hundred people at a time,
offer the bonus of a mini-process, a version of which is duplicated on
the following pages. Doing this process is an excellent way to get a
sense of at least one aspect of the training.
This mini-process resembles but is not actually a training process.
(I cannot ethically reveal the training processes, nor would I choose to
do so, because I feel that knowing them in advance significantly reduces
the experience of them in the training.)
In sharing this with you, I want also to recommend that you experience
it with a friend. Have the other person read the instructions to you
rather than read to yourself. Merely reading the words is meaningless
and in no way can convey the potential for the experience. Each of the
instructions should be followed by a pause to allow the participant time
to look and be able to respond to himself. If you're not interested in
going into this experience at this particular time, I suggest that you
just skip to the next chapter, perhaps to return to this place at another,
more leisurely, time.
The process begins:
Please uncross your arms, uncross your legs,
take everything off your lap, get into a comfortable
position, relax and close your eyes. Thank you.
The first thing I would like you to do is to
bring the chair that you are sitting on within your
space and experience what it's like for you sitting
there in that chair. Good.
Now expand your space to include the person or
persons sitting on either side of you. Thank you.
Notice if you have any attitudes or opinions or
emotions or thoughts about the person or persons
sitting next to you, and, if you do, notice what
they are. Good.
Now keep expanding your space or your experience
of you to include all the people here in room,
and notice what it's like for you sitting here
with these people. Thank you.
Notice if you have any attitudes about the group,
or if you think the group has a particular attitude,
and if you do, notice what that is. Fine.
Now keep expanding your space to include the
whole room. Recall the floor, the walls, forms,
textures, and colors. Notice the sounds and smells,
notice what it's like for you, what your experience
is of being here in this room. Good.
Now recall a time when you were really happy with
someone and notice what that experience was like
for you. Thank you.
Now recall a time when you really communicated
with someone and they really got that communication
and notice what that experience was like for you.
Great.
Now recall another time when someone else
was really happy with you. Get a very clear picture
of an incident when someone else was really
happy with you, and notice how you carried your body.
Notice how you walked, how you talked, how
you smiled, how you tilted your head. Notice how
you experienced you when someone else was
really happy with you. Thank you.
Now recall another time when you were really
happy with someone. Get a clear picture of that,
allow yourself to experience what it was like for
you when you were really happy with someone
else. Just keep experiencing that; notice what you
were saying, how you were feeling, what the other
person is saying, what they're doing. Good. Now
bring a stranger into the experience and notice
what happens to the experience. What happens
when a stranger comes in. How are you holding
your body now? How do you feel now? What are
your thoughts now or your attitude now that a
stranger is present? Thank you.
Just keep your eyes closed, we are going to do
a couple more things. First, just go through your
body and notice if you have any tension. You
might check out that area behind your neck, between
your shoulders. You might even like to wiggle
your head around a little. Great.
Notice the area between your eyes, at the top
of your nose. Just notice if that's tense or not.
You may want to take your hand and rub your
forehead a little. Great.
Now just notice your arms and your legs and
see if they are in any position. You might want
to shake your arms out, notice if they are crossed.
If they are, uncross them. Very good.
Now take a look and notice if your jaw is clamped
tight and, if it is, see if it is O.K. with you to
release it. Just let it relax. Thank you.
O.K. Now what I'd like you to do is take your
hands and rub them back and forth on the chair
you're sitting on and notice what comes up for
you to experience while you are rubbing your
hands back and forth on the chair. Notice if you
feel silly or irritated or confused or if you are
doing it just a little bit so that the person next to
you doesn't know that you are doing it; notice if
you are afraid of touching hands with the person
next to you. Notice if you are wondering about
what the significance of rubbing your hands on
the chair is. Keep rubbing your hands till I say
stop. O.K. Stop rubbing your hands.
Now take your feet and rub them back and
forth on the carpet. See if you can tell what the
color of the carpet is through the bottoms of your
feet. What color does the carpet feel like? Good.
The last thing I would like you to do is to get a
sense of the space you would like to be with yourself.
Just get a clear sense of how you would like to experience
you, and when you've got a sense of the space you would
like to be in, and you feel really good about that space;
so good that you can't help but smile, then what I want you
to do is to smile and open your eyes into that space.
Good.