Eternal Love (Bend to My Will #11) (2 page)

With her arm over her eyes, Vivienne sighed. She had to go on. It was over with Jacob, and she had to face it. Although she had no clue how, she needed to get on with her life. She knew there would not be another Jacob. He was the man for her. But she didn’t need a man, did she?

Vivienne had to get tough. She’d pour herself into her career, and stay too busy to miss Jacob. Yet even thinking that, she knew it was a lie. Somehow she’d pull through; what choice did she have? But Jacob would be in her thoughts every minute of every day, and in her heart, always. Vivienne would just have to get used to the unbearable pain of the heartache.

Chapter 2

Jacob was dying inside. Vivienne was gone. From the moment she walked out the door, he was seized with emotional pain, greater than he had known. Like a black hole, the loss of Vivienne swallowed him, allowing no escape.

Somehow he survived that first day, and tried to numb his misery with whiskey shots at the bar that night. But it was to no avail. As long as he was conscious, he was in agony. Despite his personal suffering, Jacob resisted calling Vivienne.

Finally, he had the chance to do the right thing, what he should have done much sooner. He had been selfish, and wanted Vivienne so badly that he hadn’t put her interests first. Of course, he had deluded himself, convinced that he had thought only of her. But that had been as much a lie as anything else.

The days in San Francisco went by like syrup dripping slowly out of a bottle. It seemed the trip had no end, and he had to endure meeting after meeting, when his mind was someplace else. Jacob went through the motions, doing his best to be professional, but he felt like a cardboard cutout.

There was no life in him. Jacob was ripped apart, and as the days dragged by, he felt more and more that it was pointless. He had confessed all of his dark secrets to Vivienne, but he was no better off. When she’d known all there was to know, she had done the right thing by walking out.

But that didn’t lessen Jacob’s grief, or make his life bearable. He had lived for years with the knowledge of his true nature, the darkness he harbored, and what he was capable of. Vivienne had shined light into the blackness of his soul, and he’d allowed himself to envision release from his emotional bondage.

Yet he hadn’t told Vivienne that; he’d only told her the torrid tales of his youth. He hadn’t spoken of the spark of hope that she ignited within him, not wanting to mislead her. As good and innocent as she was, Vivienne couldn’t sever the evil he carried with him.

Rationality didn’t alter how Jacob felt. He knew that he’d set things right at last. Putting aside his own needs or desires, he had confessed to Vivienne. It had been the right thing to do, even though it had devastated him. But she came first; it had to be that way.

Yet now, Jacob’s life seemed aimless. Without Vivienne, the future was untenable, and he lacked any motivation. Career, business, or travel were bereft of joy, and he wanted no part of any of it. He wanted only Vivienne, the one woman he shouldn’t, and
couldn’t
have.

Jacob’s heart wouldn’t acquiesce to what was right, so he continued to feel the pull of emotion and feeling, the things that he had so carefully repressed. Yet Vivienne had coaxed both from him. Her inner radiance, and yes, her love for him had changed him.

Thus Jacob could no longer walk away unscathed. It hurt, damn it. He cared. And he missed Vivienne so badly he thought he’d surely die. But there was no hope of altering the course of the relationship. The time for that had passed, and the dream of a love relationship hadn’t been real anyway.

Jacob had known his fate, and was clear about what he deserved. The loss of his mother was on his shoulders, and had carved a pit in his stomach that the years hadn’t diminished. It always came back to Carl. He had annoyed his father, which resulted in his mother’s death.

After he had witnessed his mother brutally abused then carried to an ambulance, he had gone crazy. It didn’t matter that he was only a boy; he had felt as strongly then as he did now. Jacob had railed against the cruelty, and sought revenge.

That was his nature. Jacob had a dangerous side, and had the capability of killing his own father. Vivienne knew that now, and had wisely separated from him. It was better for her; Jacob was under no delusion about that. Still he wanted Vivienne, but had to face life without her.

When he flew back to New York, Jacob felt some relief. At least he was closer to Vivienne, for all the good it would do. But being in the same city was a comfort. Maybe he would see her, encounter her by accident. He wished that would happen, as he wanted only to see her. Just the sight of her would soothe the hurt in his heart, or so he thought.

The day he went back to the office, Meg greeted him. Jacob mumbled something and headed for his desk. He was a wreck, so it was best not to engage in conversation. He wasn’t up to it anyway. His assistant’s cheerfulness sharply contrasted with his moroseness.

Jacob did his best to work. If he poured himself into the issues at Rinaldi Imports, he could forget, and possibly move on. But that was not to be. Each day was no better than the last, as he tried to focus on something,
anything
besides Vivienne.

To his chagrin, Vivienne was in his mind every second. She was a part of him, the best part, and she was gone. Jacob couldn’t get over what had happened, and saw no hope of recovery. He hadn’t thought he was capable of such depth of emotion, but he realized that he couldn’t live without her…he didn’t want to.

The urge to speak with her, at least once more, was overpowering. The way things had ended wasn’t right. Jacob could see that now. No matter what it took, he must talk to Vivienne. Without further hesitation, he dialed her number.

Jacob got her voicemail, so he texted. But there was no reply. That wasn’t surprising, as it had been two weeks. He didn’t expect her to be glad to hear from him, but he refused to be deterred from his goal to see her again.

Maybe he was being selfish, once more. Jacob didn’t rule that out. He hurt badly, and craved seeing Vivienne. But also, he had witnessed the look on her face when she walked out. Jacob had confessed his misdeeds, and it had crushed her. He couldn’t leave it that way, and intended to make sure that she was okay.

When Vivienne didn’t answer her phone or reply to his messages, Jacob left work and went to her shop. But she wasn’t there. Michele said that she’d left early, but didn’t know where she’d gone. From Vee’s, Jacob went to her apartment, where he hoped to find her.

The doorman greeted him, and Jacob took the elevator up. When he rang the bell, Lana opened the door. Her expression communicated volumes. “What are you doing here?” Lana frowned, and didn’t invite him in.

“Hi, Lana. I’m here to see Vivienne.”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Well, can I come in anyway?”

Lana didn’t budge. “Vivie isn’t here.”

Jacob ignored her look of disdain. “I’ll wait, then.” He stepped forward and gently pushed the door open.

Lana reluctantly moved back, but didn’t retreat. She looked unsure that she’d done the right thing by letting him in. “Do you have any idea how you made her feel?”

“I have some idea,” Jacob said. “That’s why I need to see her.”

Lana shook her head. “I have to leave for the restaurant, and I have doubts about you being here when Vivie gets home.” She narrowed her eyes. “If you do anything else to hurt her, you’ll have me to deal with.”

“It’s important that I talk with her.”

For a moment, Lana just looked at him, as if deciding. “Okay…I have to go.” She paused. “But whatever you say to Vivie…it better be good.” She grabbed her purse and left.

Jacob sighed, then turned to look at Vivienne’s apartment. This was where she’d stayed for the endless days that he hadn’t seen her, and being in the space he felt closer to her. He walked into her bedroom, finding the bed unmade. He put his hand on the rumpled sheets, as if he might feel her warmth. Desperately missing her, Jacob buried his face in her pillow, breathing in her scent.

It was overcast outside, and the gray sky filled the window. Jacob thought of the times he’d shared Vivienne’s bed, and how the city lights gleamed against the window at night. He took a moment to look out at the streets below and assess his situation.

Jacob had made a vow; he’d sworn that there had to be a way for Vivienne to be with him. But the shadows hadn’t let him slip out from under their influence. He’d failed to keep his promise. That had to change. He didn’t know how, but he knew he had to release the past.

Jacob couldn’t put it into words at that moment, but with blinding clarity he realized that he couldn’t go on without Vivienne. The one thing that was right, in the midst of so much that was wrong, was being with her. He needed to make good on his promise, and right then made the commitment to do so.

When Vivienne didn’t show up, Jacob continued to wait. After weeks with no attempt to reconcile, Jacob didn’t blame her for not returning his calls. Eventually, she would come back to the apartment, but he didn’t know what kind of reception she’d give him.

Jacob intended to wait until Vivienne returned, no matter how long that was. In the quiet of her apartment, he had plenty of solitude to think, mostly about her. Given so much time, he looked around, touching her things. There were photographs, books, and other memorabilia.

Jacob was interested, wanting to know as much about her as he could. The insatiable desire to be near her spurred him forward. On one bookshelf was a row of classic fiction, and on another were several popular paperbacks. He thumbed through a few of them to see what Vivienne liked to read, thinking it odd that he hadn’t asked her.

On a shelf about waist high was a heavy dictionary that was many inches thick. An edge of a piece of waxed paper stuck out from the middle of the book. Curious, Jacob pulled the book from the shelf, and sat on the sofa with it on his lap.

Carefully, he opened the old book, being gentle with the well-used binding. In the middle was the waxed paper folded in half over a lovely dried flower. Jacob lifted it, and held the pressed flower in his palm. He recognized that flower as one from the bouquet he had given to Vivienne on their first date.

Jacob stared at the delicate bloom, now dried and flattened, having been pressed inside the book for months. The flower was a symbol, a reminder. Vivienne had kept it, and Jacob knew why. From the start, he had been adamant that he didn’t date, wasn’t romantic, and a list of other inabilities…including that he was incapable of saying that he loved her.

His vision of the flower blurred as his eyes grew moist. In that instant, something inside Jacob came alive. Although the change would have been imperceptible to any onlooker, it was a personal earthquake. His world shifted, as if righting on its axis. And he saw what he hadn’t perceived before.

It was magical that the tiny flower was such an impetus, serving as a life changer, when so much else hadn’t. Memories of Vivienne’s smiling face, the gentleness of her touch, and the intimacies shared with Jacob flooded his consciousness.

Any one of those moments had been an opportunity to admit his true feelings, but Jacob hadn’t done so. After blocking out such lightness from his heart for so long, the happier emotions weren’t easily released. In fact, Jacob had been convinced he didn’t have it in him.

He knew that he couldn’t fall in love, as much as he might want to, or even need to. Yet now, holding the pretty flower in his hand released it all. Vivienne had saved the flower, as a token of Jacob’s romantic side. Even then, she had been convinced of what Jacob so vehemently denied. He did have the ability to love.

A tear rolled down Jacob’s cheek, and he brushed it away. Gently laying the flower back onto the page of the book, he gazed at it. Such innocent evidence that Vivienne had loved him from the start touched him deeply. Seeing the delicate treasure struck a chord with him, and Jacob realized how he truly felt.

He couldn’t deny it, or lie to himself any longer. Nor did he intend to mislead Vivienne. He had deprived her, unnecessarily, when all he really desired was her happiness. The emotion that welled up inside him wasn’t giddy, or a path leading to lack of control, as he had feared.

Jacob had misjudged love, having had no prior experience with it. But now, feeling as he did, he was acutely aware of the depth of the connection he had with Vivienne. The intimate bond, a feeling that seemed to transcend all else, wasn’t frivolous. It was the most real thing in his life.

The emotional breakthrough shook Jacob to his core. He had shut his heart to love until now, but the truth of his feelings for Vivienne changed all of that. Being away from her had made it evident how much she was a part of his life. And his new realization made his path clear.

At that moment, a key jingled in the lock, then the door opened. A light went on, revealing Jacob, who had lost track of time while sitting in the darkening living room. Vivienne dropped her bag on the floor and stared at him.

Their gazes locked, and Jacob’s heart skipped a beat. He had to take the risk, as he’d already delayed for much too long. He prayed it wasn’t too late. His only desire was to tell Vivienne how he felt, hoping that she could forgive his earlier blindness.

Vivienne’s blond hair cascaded in waves to her shoulders, and her emerald eyes gleamed in the radiant light. Jacob had missed her so much. She stepped closer. “What are you doing here? How did you get in?”

Jacob stood up and took a breath. He had to share what was in his heart, and he intended to. Vivienne was the woman he craved, had always craved…and she was the woman he loved. He loved her so much his heart felt as if it would burst. His future teetered in the balance, but he had no doubt about what he wanted.