Ether & Elephants (22 page)

The soft tap of slippers sounded on the terra-cotta tiled floor. Most men wouldn’t have heard it; Nell walked with that lithe a step.

He turned from the window and watched her glide toward him in a day dress of coral pink trimmed with blond lace from Paris. “It’s lovely to see you in pretty frocks again. That school was sucking the life out of you with their drab grays and browns.”

“Nonsense.” She squeezed his hands in greeting but ducked the kiss he aimed at her cheek. Not exactly the reaction he’d hoped for. She went on. “That school was the making of me. I don’t intend to go back into sackcloth, though. At my school, the faculty will be encouraged to wear what they like, as long as it’s decent, of course.”

Tom chuckled. “So Wink’s coveralls wouldn’t be allowed?”

“Only in classes on mechanics or certain physical education programs. I’m not impractical enough to put my students or teachers in danger of having flowing skirts caught in gears or anything.” The glow of anticipation on her face was perhaps the most beautiful sight he’d ever beheld. “But for everyday wear, the student uniforms will be socially appropriate, although perhaps available in a choice of colors and small things like sleeve length or style.”

“Then why have uniforms at all?” She was set on this idea of a school. Would the possibility of marriage be enough to dissuade her? His doubts bubbled to the surface.

She rolled her eyes, presumably at his lack of understanding. “Because uniforms do one thing. They reduce the level of class distinction between pupils. You went to school as a baronet, Tom. Surely you understand that without uniform regulations, someone like you would be dressed very differently from a charity student, and that would make a huge impact on how they were treated by the other children.”

“It matters,” he pointed out. “Everyone knows who’s who and who will one day have power. But I see your point. In a school as small as yours, you probably didn’t need specific colors to differentiate houses.”

Nell laughed. “Glenbury was a school for the
blind.
We could have dressed them all in tartan with calico stripes and they wouldn’t have cared. But while my new school will accommodate children with handicaps, I don’t think I’m going to limit it to one group, like Glenbury. I want to open it up to pupils with a variety of unusual needs, including those with special gifts like ours. I intend to start by lobbying for students within the Order, especially from Mum. I’d love to have the girls, at least, and maybe Will for a few years before he goes off to Eton or Harrow.”

“It sounds as if you have this all planned out.” He offered her his arm and when she took it, they strolled along the floor-to-ceiling windows, enjoying the unpolluted sunshine. “Is Papa setting you up on the Hall estate?”

“I expect so.” Her small, fashionable bonnet blocked her face from his view now that she was by his side. “Northumberland isn’t perfect since it’s so far north, but it would be nice to be close to the family.”

“Nelly, are you sure you want to do this?” He paused and used both hands on her shoulders to gently turn her toward him. “You have other options, you know.”

Her lips quirked. “Well, I think Roger is out of the question now, so not as many as I had before. Of course, I could go back to London, do another Season and all of that, but I don’t want to. I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to adopt, like Mum and Papa did. And I’m going to be headmistress of my own school. For the first time in my life, I know exactly what I want.”

She was completely missing his point, so Tom did the only thing he could think of that would clarify his intentions.

He dropped to one knee.

A few gasps came from the conservatory around them. While they’d been walking, a few other early birds had come into the area.

Nell paled and her lips formed the shape of an
O
. “Get up,” she whispered. “God, Tom, don’t do this. Not now.”

“I must. I finally can.” He’d screwed up his courage and he wasn’t going to run away now, even if his guts were clenched in terror that she’d refuse. “Eleanor Caroline Jenkins Hadrian, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife and making me the happiest man alive?”

Nell pulled her hands from his. When had he taken them? His brain wasn’t working at all properly.

“Please, Tom. Don’t make me do this.” Tears shimmered in her wide dark eyes.

“Please, sweetheart. I need you.”

His hopes fled as she shook her head. “No.” She stepped back and took a deep breath, one tear spilling over and down her cheek. “No, Thomas. It’s too late. I’ve finally made my peace with myself and my life. I love you in so many ways, and I suppose I always will. But I will not marry you. Or anyone, for that matter. I’ll never put my heart in the hands of another man. I’m sorry, dearest. My answer is no.”

The world receded, his eyes and ears stopped functioning, and the floor might as well have fallen out from under his feet. An entire army of vampyres could have flung themselves at him and in that moment, he wouldn’t have noticed.

Nell had turned him down.

Worse, she’d told him why, and he understood. He’d done this to himself by breaking her trust.

“I see.” He forced himself to breathe until the world around him came back into focus. “I understand completely. If you’ll excuse me, I think I’m going to go have a cigar in the smoking lounge.”

“Of course.” She reached up and touched his cheek, wiping away a tear he hadn’t even noticed he’d shed. “I am sorry, Tommy. Really. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you.”

“No, of course not. You’re too kind to hurt anyone.” He caught her hand and pressed a kiss on the back of her knuckles. “So our miss—” He broke off, mindful of their growing audience. “Our
trip
continues as it began, with your devoted foster brother escorting you to help find out more about your heritage. You may depend upon me for that.”

“I do.” She wiped her own cheek, her glove soaking up the tears. “And as to that other business we’d discussed, my answer is yes. I should like to meet the nawab, as long as it doesn’t conflict with your duties to the viceroy.”

“Then we shall make sure it happens.” He bowed. “Good day, Nell. Forgive me if I do not join the captain’s party for dinner tonight.”

With that, he strode away, desperate for some whiskey or brandy to take away the taste of despair that flooded his mouth.

Nell stared blindly out the window, sure her heart was forever shattered. She’d done the right thing, the
only
thing, but that didn’t make it as easy as she’d hoped it would be.

A soft voice spoke beside her. “Miss Hadrian, may I obtain you a cup of tea? Or perhaps escort you back to your suite?”

Nell turned to see an older woman in a figured silk frock, silver-gray curls bouncing. She was the one who’d wanted Nell to meet her son. And she had, at the dance last night. Nell took the offered hand. “Thank you, Mrs. Van Guilder. I think I should like to lie down for a moment, if you’d be so kind.”

Having someone else to walk down the hall with made it easier to bear the stares, some sympathetic and some clearly disapproving. Interesting to know that some were on her side and some on Tom’s. That was comforting, in a way. Not everyone thought she was a fool for turning down such an eligible young man.

“Perhaps my Alistair can escort you to dinner tonight?” Mrs. Van Guilder knocked on the door of Nell’s room to summon her maid. “We were invited to join the captain this evening.”

Nell smiled. As envoys of the queen, she and Tom were among the few guests invited to the captain’s table each evening, while the honor rotated among some of the other high-ranking passengers.

“If it’s all the same, I believe I’ll take a tray in my room.” Nell stepped in the door as Eileen opened it. “But thank you kindly.”

The older woman shook her hand, recommended hot tea with a dram of sherry for shock and bustled away before Eileen could close the door on her nose.

“Shall I make some tea, miss?” Eileen studied Nell with concern.

Nell just wanted to fall apart in private. “I’d prefer to be alone, if you don’t mind. Perhaps you can make another trip to the shops?” The moment the older woman left, Nell threw herself facedown onto the bed and sobbed her heart out into the pillows.

She didn’t expect to fall asleep, but the room was dark when she woke. Eileen had crept in and pulled the shades. Even more, she’d done her best to make Nell comfortable. When she sat up, she realized she was under a soft blanket and her hair, no longer pinned, fell in a long braid down her back. Had she slept through all that? She must have. Her gown and corset were loosened as well. Moreover, a tin of shortbread biscuits and a pot of cinnamon-infused hot chocolate waited on a warming tray, scenting the room with the sweet, comforting smells of the nursery at Hadrian House. Gracious, how long had she slept? She lifted the blind and looked at the clock on the nightstand. “Three hours? Good lord!” No wonder she was hungry. She had been too nervous about meeting Tom to eat any breakfast. Come to think of it, she hadn’t slept much the night before, either. Perhaps she wasn’t a fainting milksop after all. She stripped down to her chemise and stockings, pulled on a dressing gown, pulled open the blinds, then curled up beside the window to enjoy her snack and gaze out at the sky.

A knock rattled the dressing room door. Thinking it had to be Eileen, she called, “Come in,” ready to grovel at the woman’s feet for her thoughtful efforts.

Instead, Tom stepped into the room and his fair skin flushed at the sight of her in a state of undress.

Nell simply lifted an eyebrow as she sipped her chocolate. They’d shared a house for years. He’d seen her in nightclothes before.

“I wanted to say something,” he began, closing the connecting door and leaning against it. “If it’s the school, I don’t see a problem. Wink, Geneva, Melody—they all manage to have professions and families. I wouldn’t begrudge you the same. Stonechase would be an even better site for a school than Hadrian Hall. It’s much more centrally located than Northumberland.”

“I won’t dispute the location,” she said carefully, gesturing at the room’s only other chair, a straight wooden one at the desk-cum-dressing table. She paused, considering, then tipped her head in concession to his statement. “And for what it’s worth, I guess I believe you, or I would if you didn’t sound so bloody condescending about it. Maybe if I wasn’t domestic little Nell, in everyone’s head, you’d get the idea that I’m an adult who knows my own mind. If you saw me for what I am, you’d be one of the few men I know who wouldn’t object to the idea out of hand. Roger certainly proved that.” She was just petty enough not to offer him a biscuit.

Tom sat and silently waited for her to continue.

“However, neither of those things is why I refused you.” She sighed and set down her cup. “How can I make you understand? It’s simply too late for us. I’d spend the rest of my life not quite trusting you, and I can’t live like that. I’m not a green girl anymore. I’m a grown woman, and one who’s learned the hard way to be content on her own. I’m not going to marry—not you, not Roger, not anyone. I’m sorry, but there it is.” She’d realized, after Roger broke things off, that she was relieved, not upset. Now that she’d found another path, she didn’t want to marry a man she couldn’t love and trust with all her heart. Given her track record, she was better off not trying to select one who could be faithful like her father or Liam. The freedom was more than a little dizzying.

Tom made a soft, broken sound and she reached out to touch his hand.

“I truly hope you find someone, though, now that you know you’re free.” He had the title and estate to consider, after all. He needed an heir. She couldn’t, wouldn’t, begrudge him a chance for real happiness.

“That isn’t going to happen.” He looked up to the ceiling, as if praying for guidance. “Nell, I’ve been celibate for almost nine years, the entirety of my twenties, at least so far. How many other men can say that who haven’t taken holy orders? Does that speak of inconstancy?”

She blinked. “I wasn’t aware of that, and I commend you for honoring what you believed were your marriage vows, but it doesn’t make any difference.”

“It doesn’t?” She heard the pain in his voice and steeled herself against it.

“No. The point is you broke your promise to me. Perhaps it’s just that we were never meant to be together. If I’d been the right girl for you, none of this would have ever happened.” Just saying it hurt, but it made her feel stronger too, that she could look at the situation, articulate it, and make an adult decision.

“Nelly-belly—” He stood and came over to perch on the arm of her chair. “You
are
the right girl, and you know it. Are you going to punish us our whole lives for a few wild oats I sowed when I was little more than a boy? To be honest, I’d slept with Polly before the Christmas holidays, I just didn’t marry her until after.”

“I know that. I’ve done the arithmetic. Honestly, it doesn’t make me feel better to know that. Even before Twelfth Night, you knew I loved you, knew I was waiting, but that isn’t what this is about. I’m not punishing anyone, not you, not myself.” She looked up into his anguished face. “I’m just moving on with my life, as you should. Now let this go, so we can be friends again.”

“Friends?” His voice cracked and he leaned down, his gaze boring into hers. “We were never
friends
, Nelly. Family, yes, but so are any married couple. Friends don’t do this.”

And then he kissed her.

Nell’s world stopped spinning. There were no words to describe Tom’s kiss. The closest she could come was the emotional rise and swell of a Mozart symphony. Tom’s lips were soft but firm. When he flicked his tongue against her lower lip, she instinctively opened her mouth and let him move inside. His hands slid inside her dressing gown to curl around her bare shoulders, and she moaned into his mouth at the contact, her tongue cautiously darting out to tangle with his. Her own hands seemed to have made their way around his waist, although she didn’t remember moving.

He leaned down, pushing her back into the plush armchair, and she let him, pulling him down to nearly sit on her lap. His skin was hot, radiating through his shirt and waistcoat, while hers felt electrified, especially wherever they touched. When he slid his hand down to cup her breast through her chemise, however, it was he who groaned and pulled away.