Eva's Story (7 page)

As I looked up I could see two tiny barred windows near the ceiling of the truck. I also noticed two iron pails standing in the far corner. That was the only provision made for our needs.

Many people from the Westerbork camp had come down to see us off and give us courage. We waited for about an hour until, on a shouted command, the doors were slammed shut and bolted from the outside.

Now there was so little light in the truck that we could hardly see each others' faces. It was like descending into Hell. The wagons shuddered and the cattle train began to move. As the journey went on, people took turns to stand so that others could have a little more space to stretch out on the boards. We did what we could to help one another but there wasn't much we could do.

During the day the doors were opened once, the buckets changed and some bread thrown in — it was like feeding animals in cages. Several people became violently sick and that added to the stench and stress in the carriage. Among us was a pregnant woman who was panic-stricken; if she went into labour during the journey who would help her with her baby?

Each time the doors were opened we tried to communicate with the guards, pleading for compassion and help but all requests were ignored by the impassive and stony-faced SS men. Vicious dogs barked at us and rifles were pointed into the truck. The impulse to try to escape was very strong but we knew there was little chance of succeeding. We were unarmed, defenceless civilians and would doubtless be shot in the back if we tried to run away.

When we said anything at all to our captors the only words spat back at us in German were, ‘
Halt das Maul, Saujuden
' (‘Shut up, filthy Jews.')

At one halt, when the doors were opened, we were faced with machine guns trained against the carriages. Guards shouted at us to hand over all the valuables we still possessed, including wedding rings and watches. They threatened to kill anyone who did not comply. After that stop we did not even know the time.

As the train rolled on day and night merged. There were two, maybe three days of intermittent travelling. Sometimes we could sense that the train had stopped on a siding where it remained for hours. Without movement the trucks became unbearably hot and airless. The stench from the buckets overpowered us, making many more people feel extremely ill.

After about three days of this existence the train jolted to a halt and we could hear shouting outside and doors grating open. Violent commands were issued in German. Many could not understand but I was born in Austria and was nine years old when I left. German was my mother tongue.

As our doors were pushed open we could see lorries waiting next to the train. The SS were shouting, ‘If there are any ill people or some too tired to walk a long way, they can now go on the lorry to the camp.'

With great relief many people climbed down and walked straight over to a lorry, shouting back to their relatives, ‘We'll see you there!'

The rest of us watched them being driven away. Much later in the camp we learned that these people had been driven directly to the gas chambers.

We could see German guards with guns and dogs, ordering us to get out. There were few guards compared to the many Jews and gypsies but we were so subdued that we never dreamt of doing anything but obey all their commands. I don't know why. Perhaps we truly thought that our conditions were going to improve. It seemed that nothing could get worse.

Just as I was about to climb down Mutti handed me a long coat and a grown-up looking felt hat. ‘Put this on,' she instructed.

‘I don't need it,' I protested. It was a boiling hot day and just to be outside in the air would be a relief.

Put it on,' she insisted. ‘It may be all that you'll be allowed to take in with you. They may take our cases.'

At that point more commands came in German. ‘Get out, put all your belongings next to the train and stand in rows of five.'

Very reluctantly I put the coat on. I was sure I looked silly in the hat. It was brown felt and far too grown-up for me. I would never wear such an awful hat by choice.

‘You look a smart young lady now,' Pappy said, trying to encourage me.

Heinz gave me a weak smile. He looked petrified, his face white with fear as he jumped down from the truck but he turned to help me. As I sprang down into his arms I found mine around his neck. Suddenly we were squeezing and hugging each other as if we would never see each other again.

It took about an hour of unloading and organization before the women were ordered to walk towards the front of the platform whilst the men were separated and marched towards the back.

Pappy grabbed hold of my hands, looked deeply into my eyes and said, ‘God will protect you, Evertje.'

Mutti clasped Heinz close to her, running her fingers through his hair and kissing his face. Then my parents embraced for the last time before being forced to turn and walk away from each other.

We moved along in lines of five for about ten minutes until we came to a group of SS men. They were dividing the line into right and left. All the old people and children up to about fifteen had to go to the right whilst the rest of the women were directed to the left.

Sometimes a mother had to relinquish her young child to an older person who was sent to the right. As we came towards the selectors, the young woman in front of me began first to cry and then to scream wildly as she was forced to give her infant son of eight or nine months into the arms of a stranger, an elderly woman, whose eyes were filled with tears.

‘I'll look after him,' she said. Her arms were almost too feeble to hold him as he twisted back to grab at his mother.

‘I want to go with him!' the mother was screaming out, but she was pulled back roughly. The baby started to howl pitifully.

‘I won't recognize him again,' she pleaded, trying to calm down and make a reasonable protest. ‘He's growing so quickly.'

The guards looked on impassively.

‘Please... please don't take my son away!' She began to scream again and tried to grab the baby back while the guard pushed the old woman on and stood between them.

I watched helplessly, but then Mutti stepped forward and put her arms around the sobbing woman's shoulders.

‘Even if you don't recognize your baby,' she said, ‘the old lady will remember you and will know who to hand him back to.'

This story seemed to pacify her. Her resistance faded, she became quiet and moved on in the line. No matter how much people began to protest or cry, or try to go to the other side to be with their families, it was to no avail. The process was relentless. Thus families were systematically torn apart. At this stage, though, we still did not realize what ‘selection' really meant.

Then it was my turn. The SS officer looked me up and down and indicated left. Mutti was quickly able to come and stand beside me in line, holding on to my arm. I was only just fifteen. I noticed much later that I was the youngest person by far in our transport line. Many mothers had lost daughters of my age. Ridiculous though it had looked on me, that hat and the long coat had saved my life. Pappy's prayers had once more been answered.

The railway track ended at Birkenau near the women's concentration camp. The main Auschwitz men's camp was four or five kilometres away. It was a beautifully hot May day, when spring flowers are at their best, but as I looked around there was nothing growing anywhere in sight, not even a tree or a bush. The whole area was a dried-up desert of barren earth and dust.

Mutti and I walked in line with the other captives. Many Dutch from Westerbork were there and I caught sight of Franzi a little ahead of us. At first we were glad to move forward, stretching our legs without the encumbrance of heavy baggage, but we soon became part of a weary trail of tramping, thirsty women.

After a march of about twenty minutes and in a state of near exhaustion, we reached the gate of the huge compound.

Row upon row of ugly wooden barracks stretched into the distance enclosed by electrified barbed wire higher than a man. Sentries in tall watchtowers overlooked the camp surrounds. We were now defenceless captives, entirely in the hands of the Germans. Even in the heat I shivered.

Once inside the compound we were marshalled into a barrack to stand waiting for our ‘reception'. And there we waited. We had been without food or drink for more than twenty-four hours. When some women fainted and fell to the ground no one took any notice of them. I thought it was cruel until I began to envy them. Unconsciousness would have been a welcome relief.

Hundreds of us stood in the airless barrack guarded by only a few German soldiers with rifles pointing at us. After a wait that seemed endless our ‘reception committee' eventually appeared: eight women all dressed in striped blue and grey prison uniforms. Their grey faces sneered at us as they walked along our lines.

These women were the Kappos, Polish prisoners of war who were used by the SS to administer the concentration camps. They strode through our ranks, pushing and punching us.

‘Welcome to Birkenau,' they jeered. ‘You're the lucky ones, you've only just arrived – we've been here for years. We're in charge here and you will obey our orders. Your luck has just run out!'

A heavily built Kappo moved out in front of us.

‘Can you smell the camp crematorium?' she shouted viciously. ‘That's where your dear relatives have been gassed in what they thought were shower rooms. They're burning now. You'll never see them again!'

We tried not to listen. She was just trying to frighten us. We did not believe her; it was simply too terrible to contemplate.

‘You are filthy Jews!' shouted the chief Kappo, ‘and we are going to delouse you... after that you will be tattooed, shaved and clothed.'

Mutti stepped forward from the line.

‘We are all thirsty, we need water,' she pleaded.

She should have known they'd have no time for such a simple request. Their faces, hardened by their own suffering, showed little concern for us – we were new prisoners who had experienced relatively little hardship in the war until now. They ordered her to get back in line but she began to sway and nearly fainted. She did not fall, however, because we were all pressed very close together. One of the Kappos who seemed a bit kinder came and patted Mutti's face to revive her.

‘Don't faint, it's dangerous,' she said. ‘You will get water but not yet.' Turning to everyone else she warned, ‘Don't drink the tap water. It carries typhus and dysentery.'

I stood there in my heavy overcoat and hat, feeling as if I were dying of thirst. My feet were hurting too. I looked down at my dust-covered shoes. Inside them, under my instep, were specially made steel supports that Mutti insisted I wear because I was so flat-footed. I wished I could take them off and sit down.

At last we were herded into a large building with an ante-room where we had to leave any last belongings we possessed, including everything that we wore. I did not want to undress and be naked but I knew I had no choice. Mutti was undressing and then I saw Franzi doing the same, so how could I protest? As I took my shoes off, Mutti reminded me to keep hold of my metal supports in case they got lost, so I walked along with the rest, all of us completely naked, into a large shower room, carrying my supports with me.

The shower room was a large concrete shell with no windows or cubicles. Along the ceiling I could see pipes capped with nozzles. There were drainage runs and outlet holes in the floor.

As we huddled together and waited, the doors were closed behind us. I thought of the things the Kappos had told us. Were these showers water or gas? I began to shake with fear and Mutti gripped my hand tightly. Suddenly cold water poured down on to our heads.

There were no flannels or soap but the cool water revived me and I began to wash away the last three days of weary travelling. I scooped up a small amount of water and moistened my parched lips. Mutti patted my bottom and smiled at me; her fair hair, now darkened by the water, lay against her head, curling over her ears and at the nape of her neck. I thought how young she looked. I loved her so much.

Eventually the flow of water ceased, doors at the other side of the shower room were thrown open and we were able to walk out. I looked around for a towel but there were none supplied, nor any clothes. Our wet bodies had to steam in the heat of the afternoon.

We were ordered to walk in single file towards a couple of women prisoners who were shaving everyone's hair. All hair was being removed. My pubic hair was soft and new – I had watched it appear over the last two years as I turned into a woman and now I was going to have to submit to having it shaved off.

‘Open your legs,' the Kappo ordered.

I was intensely embarrassed as she scraped the razor over my soft skin. I did not see the reason for this humiliation. After that she shaved under my arms, but when she started to cut off the hair on my head with large blunt scissors Mutti could not resist trying to interfere on my behalf.

She tousled my hair with her hand and said to the Kappo, ‘She's very young, leave her a little hair on her head!' There was Mutti beginning to take charge! Incredibly the woman complied and left me with an inch of golden spikes framing my forehead.

Mutti smiled at me.

‘That looks quite sweet,' she said encouragingly.

‘Where are your steel supports?' she demanded, just as they were chopping off the hair on her head.

I must have left them in the shower,' I said. They were the last things I had been worrying about.

‘Oh, Eva, really!' she said in exasperation, as much with her own condition as mine; she looked strangely unlike my mother as her hair fell away. ‘How will you manage to correct your bad feet without proper supports?'

‘I'll go back and get them,' I said, but as I turned I was immediately prevented from moving further by a Kappo with a truncheon, who barred my way and warned me to stand back.