Clearing my throat, I stepped to the side and let him carve. “Umm… what would you like to drink? We have water, soda, wine, and I think we have beer too.” I needed to move away from him because his smell was intoxicating. He wasn’t wearing cologne but I could smell his aftershave. It was a smell that was strictly masculine. Jesus, I think my hormones were making my sense of smell stronger.
He paused what he was doing to turn and look at me. “I’ll take a beer.” He gave a small smile and turned back to keep cutting.
I stood by the fridge with the door open, letting the cool air help relax my thrumming pulse. I watched his forearms flex with each move. Fuck me, I was not going to make it through this dinner! I needed to distract myself. Talk to him Emilyn! Yes, talking is good.
“So how’ve you been the past couple of months?”
“Hmmm…?” I thought I’d spoken loud enough for him to hear me, but when I turned around and stood back up, I noticed Finn had been staring at me while I’d been bent over getting his beer. Yeah, this was going to be a long night. “Oh, umm… it’s been good.” He turned back to cutting. “Been keeping busy. Ky and I just scored another contract. The music label wants us to try to write for this new up-and-coming artist but he’s just a kid, and personally I think our stuff sounds too old for him.”
I laughed. “Hey now, your stuff doesn’t sound old.”
“You’ve heard our music?” He walked to the table to join me, bringing the food with him.
“Of course I have. You guys have a lot of stuff out there. It’s hard
not
to hear it.”
“What do you think of it?”
I stopped to take a bite of the chicken before answering. “You and Kyler are very talented Finn. I’ll confess, I’ve looked up and listened to everything you two have written. Sometimes I don’t care for how the artists sing some of the lyrics, but it’s still good stuff.” I smiled across the table at him.
“So you’ve looked me up.” He raised his eye brow and smirked at me.
My smile widened and I looked down. “Yeah, I suppose I have.”
It got quiet. When I looked back up at him, he was watching me from across the table. His face was so serious; a direct contrast to the playful smile he’d just given me. I was confused. “What? Do I have food in my teeth?” I covered my mouth with my napkin.
“No Em, you don’t have food in your teeth.” He put his fork down and sat back, and I sensed the conversation was about to turn serious. “Why did you avoid me for so long?”
I was confused because I’d already told him why. Hell, he could
see
why. “You know why Finn. I didn’t want to bother you about this and I was trying to deal with things on my own.”
“I know what you told me, but that doesn’t answer why you avoided me after the reunion.”
Okay, now we were walking into uncomfortable ground. “I wasn’t avoiding you I just didn’t think there was anything to talk about.”
“You’re lying.” He was right. “I can always tell when you’re lying to me Emilyn. You never look me in the eyes and you start wringing your hands. So what’s the real reason?”
I made an effort to stop my fidgeting. “It honestly doesn’t matter. Is this what you came here to talk to me about?”
“I’m here to tell you several things and to be your friend. But friends are honest with each other, they don’t beat around the bush.” I didn’t think he could look more intense, but he did when he leaned forward putting his elbows on the table. “Why wouldn’t you take my calls?”
I got up from the table with my plate, unable to stand his gaze. “I told you, there was nothing to talk about.”
As I passed him, he grabbed my arm. “There was plenty to talk about. That kiss for starters.” He set his napkin down and stood up right in front of me. Taking my plate out of my hands and placed it back on the table. “No more walking away from me Emilyn. Sit down and eat. You have that baby you need to feed and you need to stay healthy.”
“Since when did you get so bossy?”
“Since I got tired of you running away from me.”
“I’m not run…”
“Sit down Emilyn, I’m not asking again.” He was more forceful in the way he spoke.
I moved back to my side of the table. “Your way of
asking
sounds more like a command.”
He shrugged his shoulders and it pissed me off. “Now are you going to make me repeat myself or are you going to answer the question? Truthfully this time? I have all night.”
“I’m married Finley… or was… or am…” I shook my head, “Fuck, I don’t know okay? I liked the kiss. Is that what you wanted to hear? I couldn’t talk to you about it because I liked it and it made me feel things I hadn’t felt in a long time!” I glared at him.
“Good. Now was that so hard?” He was smiling and I wanted to hit him.
“Are you here to torture me?” His smile turned angry.
“Not here to torture you Em, I’m here to help you.”
“And I’ve told you I don’t need help. I’ve got everything under control.”
“Is that why you look like you’re about to cry?”
“Fuck you Finley! Get out!” I shouted. I got up from the table and left the kitchen. I hurried down the hall to my room, knowing he was going to follow me. I shut the door and locked it. A second later he was at my door twisting the knob.
“Open the door Em. We aren’t done talking.”
“If you think that was talking then you’re delusional. Now get out!”
“I’m not delusional I think we were finally getting to the honest part of our conversation. Now you either open this door, or I will take the damn thing off the hinges.”
“You wouldn’t!” Was he crazy?
“Don’t tempt me Tiny Girl. You are done walking away from me. Make this easy on yourself.”
I unlocked the door and yanked it open to find him standing in the doorway, his arms braced against the frame. I shouted, “You are the biggest asshole I’ve ever known!”
He was breathing heavily. Dropping his arms, he moved towards me, causing me to back into my room. “You done locking me out?”
“I don’t know. Are you done being a jerk?”
He let out a frustrated growl and put his hands on his hips.
Looking up at him I said, “Did you just growl at me?”
“No. I didn’t growl.”
“Yes you did.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes. You. Did.”
“No I… Jesus! Why are we arguing about this? Stop changing the subject.”
“I’m not changing the subject.” Okay, I might have been changing the subject.
“Enough Emilyn! We are going to have an adult conversation, and you’re going to give me some honest answers.”
“You have an awful lot of faith in that statement.” I was goading him and he knew it.
“Cut the shit. Tell me what your plans are.”
“Not that it’s any of your business…” He raised a brow at me, daring me to push him. “But I’m going to keep working at Beans until the baby is born. I’m saving as much as I can and Harper and I are turning the spare bedroom into a nursery. I plan on going back to school when the baby is a couple months old and my Mom has offered to help out so I don’t have to put her in daycare. There, does that answer your question?”
“For now. What about West, where is he during all of this?” He moved to sit on the bed. He was so tall that when he was sitting, we were eye level.
“West is out of the picture. I don’t actually know what he’s going to do about us having a baby. I am concerned he’ll try to take her away from me just to hurt me, but then again Julia won’t want anything that’s mine in
her
house. So who knows?” That was an honest answer and it left me feeling drained.
“If he so much as
tries
to take the baby from you, I’ll break his neck. You don’t need to worry about that.” He had so much conviction in his voice. But his face looked perplexed about something else.
“What?”
“Why do you keep referring to the baby as a her? Do you know you’re having a girl already?” His eyes softened as he glanced at my midsection.
“No, it’s just a feeling. Funny, West asked me the same question.”
“Don’t compare me to him.” Hurt resonated in his words.
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! I swear I wasn’t, it’s just that he asked me the same question. I wasn’t comparing Finn. Trust me, you’re nothing like him!”
He sighed, reaching out and grabbing a hold of my hand. There was such warmth in his touch, and as nervous as he made me feel, I also felt at ease. “Please, sit down.”
I did, and he dropped a bomb on me. “I want you to move in to my house, Em.”
“What? I can’t move to California.”
“No, I know, and I’d never ask you to. Kyler is signing papers as we speak for a four bedroom house that I’m buying.”
“Wait… you’re buying a house here? But you live in California.”
“Yes, and I still do. I’m buying a place here so I’m not always staying at Ky’s parent’s house. I’d like to have my own space, and I want you in it. I won’t be able to leave the house unattended for however long I’d be gone. So during those periods it would be nice if someone was there to keep it up.”
“You’re crazy! I can’t just move in with you. Finn, we just started speaking again.”
“It might be crazy but, it’ll be a good thing. Don’t you want somewhere for just you and the baby? ” He placed his palm on my cheek. “Think about it Em. I won’t always be around, but I’ll make sure you have everything you’ll possibly need. I’ll help you take care of you and the baby. Move in with me Tiny Girl.”
“This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen Finn. I didn’t want you to come rescue me and play white knight. I appreciate the gesture, I really do. I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“I’m not white knighting you. I know Kyler told you I’ve been miserable. I miss you Em. I haven’t found another girl that makes me feel the way you do. I’m not saying this to make you feel uncomfortable or to scare you. I’m just putting it out there that I need to be around you. And now that I know what’s been going on here, I feel like you need me too. Just please, come live with me and we’ll figure everything out.” He looked so hopeful.
“I can’t just leave Harper though. And what about your job?”
“She already knows. I told her what I was doing when I looked at a few places with Ky.” I turned to face the bedroom door. “She wanted to argue and tell me it was a bad idea, but she also thinks it could help you gain some independence.” He paused. “Look, I know I’ve hurt you before but that’s not going to happen again. I’m not leaving. She took some convincing but Harper agrees with me. As far as the job goes, I can work from anywhere. That’s the beauty about writing music.”
I smiled and shook my head. “You must have really sweet talked her.”
Glancing at him out of the corner of my eye, he was grinning. “Yeah something like that. I also know that she’d have my balls in a vice if I fuck this up.”
I laughed. “She’s good to me like that.”
“Before this happens though, I feel like I need to explain something to you. It’s something that I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time but I wasn’t sure how it was going to come out.” The discomfort in his voice was worrying.
I squirmed a bit with his tone. “Okay, I’m listening.”
“It’s about when I left that night. I want you to know
why
I left. I never told you, and I feel like you deserve to know.”
I swallowed the lump that had suddenly formed in my throat. “I don’t need an explanation Finn. What happened is in the past, so let’s leave it there. Please?”
“That’s the thing Em, it isn’t in the past for me. I’ve thought so much about it over the past ten years. I’ve wanted nothing more than an opportunity to tell you what made me walk away, even if it ended up being the biggest mistake of my life. I don’t want to hurt you by dredging this up, but if we are going to live together part-time, this side of us—what happened between us—needs to be aired out.”
I sighed and looked down. Just thinking about that night made my stomach churn. Hearing from Finley why he actually left, was something I’d always wanted. I was about to get my answers but, I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to hear it. The moment I’d waited for was finally here, and now I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know. But I could see in his face that he needed to get this off his chest and so I was going to let him. I would endure the pain that could come from this talk. I’d do it for him.
“A couple nights before graduation, I overheard you and Harper talking in the hallway.” He paused then continued again. “You were telling Harper that you thought I was ‘the one’. That you had no doubt that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together…” He paused for what felt like a lifetime
.
“I panicked.”
I met his eyes, “That’s why you left? Because you panicked because I said you were ‘the one’ in high school?”
“No. Well, yes. But it’s not in the way you’re thinking. I loved you Emilyn. I was just as sure of you as you were of me. I’d thought about our future together and I knew I wanted to be with you. But all that kept running through my mind was a conversation I’d had with my Dad before he died. Before the accident, he told me about a girl that he’d been in a serious relationship with. He said that he thought he wanted to be with her forever and he’d planned on proposing to her after they were done with college. A year into their relationship—and outside of high school—they started to become two different people. They no longer wanted the same things. Eventually, they broke it off. My Dad thought about that girl for a couple of years after they split and he decided that maybe time was all they’d needed. He found her again but found out she was married and had a kid. Not long after that, he met my Mom.”