Every Breath (11 page)

Wiping away tears with a shaky hand, I stare blankly ahead after I finish the story, somehow managing to feel both lighter and heavier at the same time. The nightmare that I’ve had over the last couple of years became reality again, as I shared it with him, but in a way, I’m also happy.

Until just now, I never recalled that Shane told me he loved me that night.

“So is that all you remember?” Sawyer’s almost imperceptible voice is so tender, a soothing balm to the wounds I’ve opened again in my heart.

“Yes. I didn’t wake up again until late the next day. I found out then that my elbow had been completely dislocated, and I had to have surgery to repair the tendon. A bump to the head gave me a concussion that caused me to be nauseated every time I stood, and I had trouble focusing on even the most menial tasks for weeks. But the thing that nearly killed me was the puncture to my femoral artery. My leg had been gouged by a chunk of metal at some point. The fact that I was hanging upside down with the pressure from the seatbelt on my legs probably saved my life, but I still have a deep scar across my thigh on that leg.”

“Wow, Makenna. I wish I had the right words to say right now, but I just can’t find anything that works.” His face is blanched, his eyes boring into me. He does know loss, doesn’t he? He does understand me.

“Shane.” This is the part that hurts so much. The part that I don’t like to think about. “He didn’t make it out of that car alive. He was . . . impaled. We slid right into a thick mass of trees and brush. I still think that someone could’ve done
something
to save him, but they didn’t.”

Sawyer looks even more awestruck and unsure of what to say next, and to be honest, I don’t know either. I’ve been holding this in for two long years, and I’m suddenly questioning why. It hurts to think about it, but it wasn’t nearly as hard to talk about as I thought it would be, actually.

He scrubs his face with his hands before leaning into the screen. “You have no idea how much I want to be there right now to hug you. Thank you for trusting me enough to share it with me. Do you feel better at all, now that you’ve told someone?”

Is that why it was easy? Because I trust him? “I wish you were here, too. And thank you for listening. I actually feel okay. I expected to really lose it, but telling you was effortless. Maybe I’ve been making a bigger deal out of it than I should have.”

His lips press together in a thin line. “Makenna. You took a huge step tonight by telling me. Don’t discredit that or what you’ve been feeling for the last couple of years. It came easier than you thought because you were ready. And I’m beyond honored to be the one to hear it. But I need you to do me a favor.”

I scrunch my eyes at him. “What kind of favor?”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re not ready to tell anyone else right now. The right time will come, so until then, just do whatever you’re comfortable with.”

I shake my head. I hadn’t thought about that. When I consider the prospect of talking to Callie, Drew, or my parents about it, I still don’t want to. “You’re the only person I’ve told most of that to, and I think it will be a little while before I can add another person into that.”

The softest of smiles play at his lips, his tender gaze calms and restores me. He truly is a beautiful man in so many ways. When I first saw him, even though I thought he was attractive that day, he still appeared hardened and rugged. Every time since then, though, he’s become more and more human, more open, allowing me to see how compassionate and gentle he is.

“Just take your time with everyone else. That time will come.”

I take a deep breath and push it out. I survived it without my heart breaking in half, and I know it’s because of Sawyer. “I will. I can’t thank you enough for that.”

“We’re friends, right? So you don’t have to thank me. I’m just doing my job.” He is looking more exhausted, rumpled . . . and sexy.

Friends. Yeah, we’re friends. And I have an almost boyfriend.

“I hope we stay friends for a long time, too. Even after you come home. Maybe you can find the time to come see me on occasion.” That’s acceptable, isn’t it?

“I can’t wait,” he admits, suddenly becoming more animated at the prospect of being home again. “It shouldn’t be long now; I’m just waiting to hear the final word on when they’re pulling us out. It could be days, or it could be weeks. Everything is kinda up in the air right now.”

Aww. I can tell he’s on pins and needles, waiting for that moment when he knows he’s coming home. “I can’t wait either. It will be strange to see you as more than a face on my computer screen.”

He laughs aloud for the first time tonight and cringes animatedly. “I promise you, I’m much more interesting on this screen, but you . . . I know you’ll bewitch me even more than you already have.” His face falls as soon as the words leave his mouth, surprised, I think, at his revelation.

“Bewitched?” Even though I don’t think he meant to admit that, I have an uncontrollable urge to press him on it. “Really?”

He groans, letting his face fall into his hands. I can barely see his shoulders shaking, and I’m unsure of what’s going on, but once I realize he’s chuckling, I join him. And before I know it, we’re both laughing so hard, we can hardly contain it. He ends up falling from his chair, so I can only see the top of his head, which causes me to snort. My snorting, of course, causes another round of hysterics, and I’m cackling so hard that my sides hurt and I just know I’m about to wet myself.

Sawyer scrambles back into his chair, still barely able to restrain himself. “Wh-what are we laughing about?”

“You!” I gasp, trying to find my lungs again. “You started it!”

He slows to a snicker. “I was laughing at myself.” He pauses to catch his breath a moment. “I didn’t tell you to laugh at me, too!”

“Oh my gosh.” I wrap my arms around my sore ribs, my breathing still labored. “Why are you laughing at yourself? I’m confused?”

He pauses and grins at me. Not just any grin, either. His lips slowly spread, showing his nearly-perfect teeth and causing the reappearance of that dimple. His smile illuminates the whole room, and it’s contagious. “I didn’t realize what I was admitting until it was too late. I’m so tired and delirious, it just kind of came out, so all I could do was laugh at myself.”

“I’m not sure I’m following you. I get that you’re bewitched by me and all; although, I have no idea why. What is it you’re admitting?”

Whoa, I guess when I’m tired, I have a big and very inquisitive mouth.

Boom! Boom! Boom!

A sudden, urgent pounding explodes from the front door, and I jump from my seat and away from the window, leaving my laptop on the bench. Who the hell is that?

“Makenna!” Sawyer calls out, unable to see me. “What was that? Are you okay?”

I reach over and pick up the computer, putting me back in his line of sight. “Someone is at my door,” I whisper as softly as I can.

“Don’t answer that door, Makenna. Do you have a gun?” He’s alert now, back to the hard-edged Sawyer I know.

I scowl at him. “No.”

“Makenna! Open the door.” A familiar voice calls out. It’s Drew.

“I have to go, Sawyer. I’ll try to talk tomorrow, okay?”

His shoulders slump slightly and he nods. “Okay. I’ll stay near my computer for a minute, in case you need me.”

“Goodnight.” I slap the lid shut. I can’t even fathom why Drew is here at two in the morning, but I do have a bad feeling about it.

“Drew?” I crack the door open to confirm it’s actually him before I allow the door to swing open the rest of the way. “What are you doing here?”

His body is rippling with tension, his hands wringing in front of him. “Who were you talking to? Who was that guy?”

Shit. I guess he could see me in the window. “Oh, him? That’s just a friend. He’s the soldier my class adopted, you know, the one we sent the cards to.”

“Why are you talking to him this late? Shouldn’t you be in bed?”

I’m having trouble reading him right now. I can’t tell if he’s just curious, or irritated, or straight-up pissed. “I couldn’t sleep, so we started talking. We do that sometimes. But now that I’ve answered your questions, do you care to answer mine?”

“I couldn’t sleep either, so I went for a drive and saw your lights on.” He’s a statue. An enormous, ominous statue. There’s no emotion on his face, the usual gentleness long gone.

But something doesn’t sound right. “You went for a drive? By my house? Which is way out of the way of . . . well . . . anything?”

“Yeah.”

Okay, Mr. Shady. “Why isn’t your truck in the drive then? This makes absolutely no sense to me. You have to know how suspicious that sounds.”

He finally snaps out of his attack mode, and his whole body falls into a more casual stance. “I guess I should’ve explained that. I’m parked out on the highway. There have been a few houses broken into lately, so when I drove past and saw the lights on, I pulled off on the shoulder and walked up. I was worried about you. I thought someone was in here, and I was going to try to sneak up on them. Until I saw you in the window.”

“Oh.” He was worried about me? I can imagine him stalking up the driveway, my brawny hero daring any intruder to make his presence known. “I’m sorry I scared you, Drew. But you should’ve just
called
to check on me.”

He reaches out and crushes me to him. “No, I’m sorry. I just panicked and didn’t think of it. Can I come in a sec?”

“Sure.”

Drew’s eyes immediately dart to my laptop on the bench by the door. “What’s his name?”

“Sawyer.” I have to stamp down the grin that threatens to reveal itself to Drew when I say his name. Thoughts of him lost in laughter earlier make me happy.

“I have to ask this, Makenna, and I hope I don’t upset you, but is he the reason why you don’t talk to me? Would you rather talk to him than me?”

“No.” Yes.

“Are you sure? I know you have some things going on that are holding us back, and if it’s him, then just tell me. I’m not going to compete with another man. If he’s what you want, then I want you to have that.” His eyes are filled with uncertainty.

“Oh, gosh no, Drew! I told you we’re friends, and I meant that.” I do mean that, right? I like Sawyer. A lot. But I’m almost certain that it’s because we have a kinship that I don’t have with anyone else. He understands me. We couldn’t ever have more of a relationship, and even though he thinks I’m attractive, he’s never hinted at wanting more either.

His frown is breaking my heart. “You’re my girl, Makenna. I want to know that without a shadow of a doubt.”

Fine. If he wants proof, then I’ll give it to him. If I’m going through with pushing myself further into our relationship, I might as well tell him now to ease his mind. “Well, I was going to wait to tell you after dinner with your parents, but I’ve made my decision about moving with you.”

He freezes, suspended in time and waiting on my announcement.

“I’d like to finish this year’s teaching contract out, but if you still want me to move with you in a little over five months, I’ll do it. I’d like to see where our relationship goes.”

“You’re sure about that?” His lips stretch up on one side, a lopsided smirk threatening to go full-blown any second.

“I am.” Totally not.

He snakes his arms around my middle, lifting me up and spinning in a circle before allowing my feet to find the floor again. “Thank you.”

But he doesn’t let go. He stares down at me with elation and . . . hunger. His smile slowly morphs into something more languid, sensual. I don’t realize we’re moving until my back touches the wall behind me, his hands grazing down my back and around the top of my waist. They trail up my stomach, up each side of my neck, until he fists his hands into my hair at my scalp. His body is pressed dangerously close, and I can feel his hardness pressed against my belly.

I stand perfectly still, waiting. Waiting for that moment that I know he’ll stop. He always stops before it turns into more than I can bear, so if I just wait, he’ll stop. I know my constant fear of closeness has to be attributed to the fact that I’m still not over Shane. I
have
to get used to it at some point.

His hot breath tickles my hair, then my ear, and I can’t decide if I want to freak out or not when his smooth tongue grazes my earlobe, sending simultaneous signals of deliciousness and terror coursing through me.

It’s when I feel his scorching mouth on my neck that the alarm starts to override it all. He places one hot, wet kiss after another down the side of my neck, his teeth grazing my skin before he gently sucks.

He jerks back abruptly. “Damn, Makenna, I’m sorry. I just got lost in you for a minute. You have an insane ability to do that to me.”

“It’s okay. I know you always stop before it makes me too uncomfortable. I trust you.”

But as soon as he says goodnight, I slump down onto the seat. My body finally gives in to the quaking I’ve been trying desperately to hold back in front of him, and I can feel my heartbeat all over. Pounding. Pulsing.

This isn’t going to be easy. At. All.