Every Breath (17 page)

He sighs in relief. “You didn’t just worry me, Makenna. You scared the ever-living shit out of me. What’s the big emergency that wouldn’t allow you to answer my calls or texts for almost three hours?”

Oh yeah, he’s mad. And it’s about to get worse. “I’m pretty sure we’ve already been through this. I can take care of myself, and I don’t need you to babysit me. If you don’t stop acting like you’re my father and micromanaging me, we’re going to have some much bigger issues. Got it?”

He lets out a long sigh. “I apologize. You just had me worried that something bad had happened to you. As long as you’re okay, that’s all that really matters.”

“Thank you. But if you really want to know, I think it’s time I explain. I know you’re not going to like it, and I should’ve told you days ago, but I was afraid of how you’d react. The emergency didn’t exactly keep me from talking to you. That was all me.”

“Just tell me. I’m sure, whatever it is, I’ll be able to handle it.” He speaks softly, his voice barely audible over the bustling noises of the hospital.

“Okay. Well, I’m sure you remember when you came over in the middle of the night on Sunday and saw me video chatting with someone on my laptop.”

“Yes,” he spits out, a hint of venom surrounding that single word.

“You see, Sawyer has a . . . umm . . . grandfather that is in poor health, so I’ve been going to visit him this week. I went to the nursing home on Sunday and again on Tuesday. Today, they called to let me know he’d had a stroke and was in the hospital, so I went to check on him.” There. That wasn’t so hard.

Drew is perfectly silent for a long moment, and just when I’m about to ask if he’s still there, he finally speaks, his anger from before has quickly returned. “So, what you’re telling me is that you’re checking in on the grandfather of a man that you barely know and have never even met in person? Please tell me you’re joking. Why would you feel the need to visit the family of a man that you claim to have a very limited friendship with? You’re going to have to explain it a little better because it makes no sense at all to me right now.”

Yep . . .
completely
pissed. “Drew, I honestly don’t know. Sunday was a rough day for me, and I felt the need to make someone else’s day better, hoping that putting a smile on their face would put one on mine. Going to visit him was the first thing that popped in my head, and it just made sense at the time. He’s an old man who has no one to visit him, and he’s become a friend.”

“That’s ridiculous, Makenna. You’re just making all sorts of friends these days. You know, it’s a little bit of a slap in the face to know that I’m not enough for you. Sunday and Tuesday, you say? Sunday, you told me you went shopping, and Tuesday, you told me you went over to your house. Why did you blatantly lie to me?” He pounds his fist on what sounds like his steering wheel, and I can easily hear every labored breath.

I hug my knees up to chest and rest my forehead on them. I just want to curl up under a rock somewhere and not come out for a while. I feel awful about it, and he’s definitely not helping. I do deserve it, I guess, but his reaction is totally unreasonable and shows some definite controlling characteristics. I’m seeing a lot of those in him lately, and I don’t like it one bit. “It was wrong of me to lie about it, but I wanted to avoid fighting about it with you. I knew you wouldn’t understand my need to do it.”

“You’re right, I don’t. I don’t get it at all.”

Before I can come up with a remotely reasonable reply, a crash echoes down the hall, and I look up to see Dalton and several nurses scramble into William’s room. “Drew, I have to go. I’ll be home when I can.”

“Makenna! Don’t hang up. I’m not finished talking about—”

I’ll probably pay for hanging up on him later, but right now, I don’t care. I race down the hall into William’s room in time to see the nurses making an attempt at holding him down while he’s fighting and kicking with every bit of strength he has left in him. Dalton has a syringe prepared to give him more sedative, but they can’t get his arm still enough to give it.

“William, calm down,” I command as nicely as I can over all of the commotion.

He completely freezes, his cloudy grey eyes darting in my direction. “Makenna?”

I walk up behind the nurses and look over at Dalton. “May I?” He nods at them, and they step back, allowing me to get closer to William and take his hand. “It’s me. How do you feel?”

“As healthy as a horse, but they keep poking and prodding anyway. They’re treating me like a damn science project.” His voice is hoarse, but he’s attempting to make himself sound strong.

“Well, we’ll let them do their job until they decide to start dissecting you. Then, we’ll get worried, okay?”

He squeezes my hand and yawns audibly. “Problem is, I won’t be able to see them coming at me with a scalpel.”

I can’t help but giggle at him. “Well, I’m sure this nice doctor can promise me he won’t add any dissection to your orders as long as you behave yourself. Right, Doctor?”

Dalton flashes a smile. “You bet.”

William’s narrowed eyes follow the voice. “Hoover? Is that you?”

“Yes, sir, it is.”

William harrumphs and turns back to me. “This kid thinks he’s a doctor, but I guess he knows as little as the rest of ‘em do.”

“Well, sir, that’s probably the kindest thing you’ve ever said to me.” Dalton catches my attention by waving the syringe and raises his shoulders. I’m assuming he wants me to see if I can talk William into taking the meds peacefully.

“Don’t get too used to it, boy.”

I bring his attention back to me by rubbing his arm. “It’s time for you to get some rest, so Dr. Hoover is going to give you some medicine to help you sleep, okay?”

“No!” He thrashes his other arm in Dalton’s direction. “I’m not letting them give me any more of that stuff!”

“William, you need rest. Tell you what, promise me that you’ll take it and get some rest tonight, and if you behave yourself tomorrow, you don’t have to take any more unless you absolutely need it. Deal?”

He sighs and offers his I.V. up to Dalton without a word. I guess even he knows he’s too tired to fight it much more. Almost immediately after Dalton injects the clear liquid, William’s eyes get heavy, despite his attempts to remain fully alert.

“Rest, William. I’ll be back to see you tomorrow after work.” I reach out to gently stroke his forehead until his eyes finally fall closed and his breathing becomes deep and even. I lean across the bed rail to kiss his cheek softly.

“He listens to you.” It’s more of an observation than anything, but I can detect a slight accusatory tone in Dalton’s voice.

“I honestly don’t know why, but if it helps him, I’ll be around to do whatever I can for him.”

He steps past me, pausing to pat my shoulder. “Oh, I know why. You passed the test. First of all, he knows Sawyer must care about you if he told you about him. You’ve already been bringing him chocolate. And last, but certainly not least, he may be blind, but he can see right through to that heart of yours. And it doesn’t hurt at all that you’re a pretty girl, and you smell good. He is still a man, after all.” His eyes crinkle at the corners when he laughs softly. “Sawyer is lucky I like him.”

It’s after ten o’clock when I walk in the door at Drew’s house. I’m completely drained and dreading the fight, but I can’t avoid it forever. The only light comes from the fireplace, which is casting dancing flickers up the walls. When I glance in the direction of the fire, the silhouette of Drew’s head and shoulders at the couch nearly causes me to jump right out of my skin.

“Are you awake?” I call out softly, hoping he’s not.

He slowly stands and looks over his shoulder. “I am. I was just waiting to make sure you made it home safely.” He closes the glass doors to the fireplace and stalks toward the stairs. “Goodnight,” he calls out as he goes up, and I flinch when he slams the guest room door.

“Well, that’s mature,” I mumble under my breath.

Almost as mature as lying,
my conscience taunts.

Shut up. I didn’t ask you.

I go upstairs and shower, attempting to wash away the stress and anxiety which has seemed to settle right into my tight shoulders. Tomorrow is going to be crazy enough without having to worry about the drama with Drew, right now, so I’m going to try to push it out of my mind, and I’ll deal with it Saturday. I never would’ve imagined I’d dread a two week holiday break, but now that I realize I’ll be spending every waking moment with Drew, it makes me a little sad tomorrow is the last day of school for a while.

But there’s something wrong with that, isn’t there? I realize I’m forcing myself into this whole road-to-happiness thing, but after all this time, shouldn’t I be enjoying his company? Shouldn’t I want to tell him anything and everything that’s on my mind without fear of making him mad or upsetting him? Callie’s accusations replay in my mind over and over, and I know she’s right about how I’ve been behaving, but I’m a grown woman who’s more than capable of knowing when I’m compatible with someone or not. Drew’s sweet and he’s become a great friend, but I need a connection on a deeper level in order to stomach the idea of a relationship on a deeper level.

Maybe this is just me avoiding a relationship again, but I don’t care anymore. I don’t know if I’m ready for more in that department, but I do know I’m not ready for more with Drew. And if I’m being perfectly honest with myself, the idea repulses me. I don’t think it has anything to do with Shane anymore. I know he would want me to live and do more with my life than what I have been, and I’m working on it. But I also know he wouldn’t want me to settle into a relationship just because I felt like I had to.

Damn it, Shane, I’m sorry. I tried, but I’m
not
going to settle.

He told me that if I’d open my heart, I’d see the man waiting there to be let in, the man good enough to take his place. Drew just can’t be that man. If I have to give myself daily pep talks to convince myself that I like being with him, then something is seriously wrong. If I’m ever going to find that kind of happiness that I had with Shane, then I’m going to do it my own way. I’ve already lost Callie, so I guess I don’t have to worry about what she thinks anymore.

The only people I have left are my parents, Sawyer, and William. And honestly, I’m good with that. They aren’t trying to force me into anything that I don’t want, and those are the kinds of relationships that I need right now.

Especially after tomorrow. I’m going to have to sit Drew down after work tomorrow and just tell him I can’t do it anymore. Maybe if I tell him while he’s still good and mad at me, it will be easier. He’s going to be madder by tomorrow anyway because I’m going to check on William again. He’s a usually a sweet guy, and I hate to upset him, but it’s time I stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and feels and let
myself
think and feel for a change.

Jeez, tomorrow is going to top the charts, isn’t it?

I just hope that I hear something from Sawyer tomorrow, so I’ll feel better about that, at least. I need to tell him that I’ve been going to visit William and that he’s had another suspected stroke. I pray that he’s safe, wherever he is.

Settling into the pillow and closing my eyes, I make an attempt to fall asleep with good thoughts or else I may never rest. Since Sawyer’s safety is forefront on my mind, I try to imagine him happy and healthy. The way that one dimple makes an appearance when he smiles really big. That crooked grin he has when he’s being silly. That deep belly laugh that’s such a beautiful and rare sound. The gravel in his voice when he’s sleepy. And those dark amber honey eyes that seem to have the power to look right into to my soul. It’s those images that I replay over and over again that finally allow me to fall asleep with a smile on my face.

And those same images bring him back to me in my dreams.

“Where have you been?” My sleepy voice is barely a whisper.

His strong arms pull my back against his chest before one hand snakes around my torso to allow his fingertips to draw lazy circles on my stomach. “Never far,” he whispers in my ear, his lips barely brushing the outer edge.

I snuggle into him, grabbing his arm and pulling him closer, forcing him to hold me tighter. “I’ve been so worried you wouldn’t be back.”

He pushes me back to turn me to him, crushing me to his chest and pressing my face into his smooth neck. “Baby, I never left.” He trails kisses from the top of my head and down to my cheek, while one hand slides from the top of my back down to base of my spine. His hand slips under the hem of my shirt to caress the tender skin just below my ribs. “I couldn’t ever leave you. I love you too much.”

Before I can process the thought that Sawyer loves me, he presses his lips to mine and I allow myself to get lost in his kiss. I place my hands on either side of his face and kiss him deeply. No thoughts, no reminding myself what to do. Just momentary bliss, pure and sweet.

But all is lost when he begins to jerk down my panties.

“No, no, no. What are you doing? Stop.” I plead with him, trying to clench my thighs together to keep him from removing them.

He sits up, ignoring my demand, and manages to drag them the rest of the way down my legs. I attempt to scramble away, but his strong hands grab one of my elbows and knees and yank me back over to him. “I promise, if you’ll just give me a minute to show you, you won’t want me to stop. Relax, baby. We’ve waited a long time for this, and maybe the only way to get there is to push you out of your comfort zone a little.”

“No, Sawyer, stop!” I scream just before the lamp beside the bed clicks on.

“What the hell did you just call me?” Drew stands beside the bed, staring down at me.

I don’t even care at this point that I’m half naked. “Drew? Oh my gosh, I thought I was dreaming.”

“About another man.” He’s seething. His chest heaves in and out, and his fists are clenched at his sides.

But wait a minute . . . what does
he
have to be so mad about? I’m the one that should be mad right now. “Another man who probably wouldn’t force himself on me after I said to stop.” A low blow, but deserved nonetheless.

“You were into it, Makenna. You were kissing me back, and you acted like you’d be open to more. You just freaked out like you always do, and I was trying to get you to give it a chance. But you weren’t kissing
me
back at all, were you?”

I start to speak, but he cuts me off. “Don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. Goodnight, Makenna. I won’t bother you again tonight.” He storms out of the room, slamming the second door of the evening.

What the hell? Did that seriously just happen? I pick up my phone from the nightstand and start dialing Callie’s number. I have to tell her about this; she’s going to be pissed. Actually, she’ll probably demand that I stay with her tonight, and she’ll probably send Wes to pick me up. He’s really protective of me, so I can imagine he won’t have very nice things to say to him.

But before I can punch the call button, it hits me. Callie doesn’t care. She isn’t my friend anymore, so she doesn’t want to hear about my drama. Any time I had a problem, no matter how minor or stupid, I’d always call her, and she’d make me feel better about it. I’ve been trying to push it from my mind, but I miss her. So much. Knowing that I’ve lost her, in addition to everything going on with Drew, just makes tonight suck even more.

One thing about tonight that didn’t totally suck? I now know without a shadow of doubt that I’m making the right decision about him. I’m done.

“Miss Madison, did you bring cupcakes? You said you’d bring cupcakes today, you know.” Kristin licks at the ring of melted chocolate around her mouth.

“I know I did, sweetie, but I had an emergency last night, so I didn’t have time to pick them up. Tell you what, as soon as we come back from break, we’ll have some then, okay?”

She shoves another piece of chocolate cookie into her mouth. “Okay,” she barely manages to say around the chunk of cookie.

I peek up at the clock. Three more hours until the bell rings, and I’ve already let them get into some of their snacks. I know better than feeding the wild animals before two o’clock, but they were getting restless. It’s been sprinkling all day, so the playground is too wet and cold to play on, and I’m running out of ideas to keep them busy. Lucky for me, I have a Christmas cartoon in my DVD cabinet, and they very rarely get to watch movies, so they won’t even realize it’s a ploy to get them to be still for a few minutes.

As soon as I get it started, they all pile onto the carpet and are immediately engrossed in Santa Claus dancing across the screen. That will give me about thirty minutes to plan another art project, and I think I have enough beads for everyone to make a new ornament to take home. They love making things to show to their parents, so they’ll be excited about it.

I step into my closet to look for some green plastic beads, and I’m elbow-deep in my art supply tub when I hear my classroom door shut. Before I can fully stand up, I hear a group of kids simultaneously erupt into cheers. “Cupcakes!”

Guessing another parent is here to bring in treats, I hurriedly grab the box of beads and step out of the closet, so they don’t think the kids have been left unattended, and all I can see is a swarm of kids surrounding a figure crouched in the floor. Oh, no, some poor soul got trampled by the herd. Cupcakes are serious business in my classroom, and I tend to agree.

But when the person stands up, all I can register is the crash of the box I
was
holding and the pinging of plastic beads bouncing on the floor.

Sawyer.

He places the half empty cake box on the table to allow the kids to have their pick, and he walks half the distance between us, wearing the most brilliant smile I’ve ever seen. Meanwhile, I just stand there like an idiot with my mouth hanging wide open.

“Hi, Makenna.”

I don’t know what to say, so I stop trying to come up with something. I take a few slow steps, barely able to keep my footing with all of the beads under my feet, and I finally jog the last few, throwing my arms around his neck and squeezing him tight. It’s really him. In real life.

With his arms wrapped around my waist, he picks me up and just holds me there. “It’s so good to finally see you,” he whispers.

After a few moments, I pull my head back and look at him. Those gorgeous eyes immediately find mine, and I can’t help but smile. “You’re really here.”

“So are you.”

“You’re home for good?”

“Just a couple weeks, as of right now. I’m scheduled to be in Fort Hood in two weeks.”

“And you’re okay.”

He chuckles, and I can feel it vibrating in my stomach. “That’s debatable, but yes, as far as I can tell.”

Riley giggles and runs over to us. “Look, he’s strong enough to hold Miss Madison!”

With one more squeeze, he puts me back down and turns to the awestruck group of boys. “And I’m happy to prove it if anyone says I can’t. I bet you boys have some pretty big muscles, too.” The boys immediately agree and tug their shirt sleeves up to show them off.

I take a few deep breaths to collect myself and make an attempt to calm the class, having them all sit on the carpet. Everyone’s eyes are on Sawyer, and I’m having trouble tearing mine away, as well. He takes a tiny chair from the corner of the room and drags it over to sit in front of the group. He’s still wearing his fatigues and combat boots, so the sight of him sitting in a child’s chair with his knees up to his chest is unbearably cute.