Every Kind of Heaven (15 page)

“I'll drive you.” He held out his hand, palm up, looking as valiant as a knight of legend, one of good deeds and of good heart and she was hopeless.

Never in her life had she wanted something so much as to place her hand in his. To throw caution to the wind and trust that everything would be fine. That he was right—twenty years down the road they would be together and happy. That they could survive the rift of his mother's disapproval, unlike her own parents could have done.

But it wasn't logical. It wasn't smart. It wasn't safe. She took another step back. It will only end in heartache, that little voice within her said. And if there was a part of her that knew she was really afraid, she couldn't listen to it. “I'll drive myself. I can't be with you. You are great, you have made such a difference in my life, but I think real love is like a special kind of heaven on earth. It shouldn't hurt like this. It just shouldn't be this frightening.”

“Ava, wait. You wanted to know if this was the real thing, if we had a shot at a real happiness together. I'm pretty sure we do. But we'll never really know if you walk away. Don't you want to find out?”

“I already know.” She hauled her key ring out of her purse and the first deepening rays of the setting sun brushed her with a rare magenta light, that shone like heaven's light. “Goodbye, Brice.”

He couldn't say anything. He stood there like he was made of granite, despair filling him, watching her hurry the rest of the short distance to the covered parking. She slipped from his sight, and he felt the first fall of grief. The hard ball of it burned in his throat. Was he really losing her? How could she be so sure?

There was no way. Because he could see a different path. A different outcome. As intimidating as it was to be given this singular blessing of true love, he was more afraid of spending his life without her as his wife. Without her sparkle and her life and her brightness lighting the rest of his days.

He couldn't believe he'd lost her.

A
fter saying about ten prayers for Jonas on the drive over, Ava couldn't keep thoughts of Brice away. He might be out of sight, but not totally from her mind. His words kept troubling her.
You wanted to know if this was the real thing, if we had a shot at a real happiness together. I'm pretty sure we do. But we'll never really know if you walk away.

Hey, it wasn't her fault, she thought as she drove up to the parking garage and snapped a ticket out of the automatic dispenser. She dropped the ticket on the dash and waited for the red and white striped arm to lift. If her vision was blurring again, it was just from being so tired. Really.

Not because she felt as if there was an enormous void in the center of her ribcage, where her heart used to be. And as she pulled into the closest space by the doors and took the elevator
to the main lobby, that void began to fill with bleak misery.

You did the right thing, she told herself as she took another bank of elevators to the intensive care floor. She wasn't going to set herself up for more doom. She wasn't the right girl for Brice. No matter how much she wanted to be.

As soon as the doors opened she popped out into the echoing corridor and headed down an endless hall with closed doors. She followed the directional signs, struggling to keep tight control of her feelings. She was here for Danielle, she was here for her family, where she belonged, where she was accepted, where she was safe.

Safe.
That was the word that was haunting her. She felt the tangle of emotions ball up tight in her chest, growing tighter and tighter, sheer misery. Pain throbbed between her ribs, making it hard to breathe. Almost as if she were sobbing, which she wasn't, of course. Really.

She could do this, she could hold everything down, because if she didn't, she wasn't sure she was strong enough to hold back the tidal wave of sheer agony. How could she feel so alone without him? She'd been alone before, she'd managed just fine without Brice Donovan by her side. And if she needed him, then she'd learn to get past it.

Pain arched through her as if she'd broken a rib. It was only heartache. Although nothing like she'd ever known before. Because she'd never loved any
man before the way she loved Brice. The way she still loved Brice. She didn't want to love him, she didn't think it was smart to love him. She didn't fit into his life, not really, and why start on a road you knew would end?

Okay, so she didn't
know
it would end. She was just terrified, but wasn't Brice right? If she could see through the blur of panic long enough to think clearly, she had to admit he was totally right. You didn't know unless you gave something a chance.

The truth? He terrified her. Absolutely. Positively. Without condition and without end. She was too chicken to hand over her heart to the one man who really wanted it. Because she was too terrified that he might get a really good look at her and stop loving her. That he'd see who she was deep down, at heart, at the bottom of her soul, he'd stop loving her.

Love ends, she knew it. Wasn't that the lesson of her childhood?

Yeah, that frustrating little voice inside her argued, but it's not the only lesson, right?

Right. She was afraid because she'd never been here before. Brice wasn't just Mr. Perfect, he was
her
Mr. Perfect. Exactly like a dream the angels had found in her heart and made real. She didn't have any reason at all to find fault with him and push him away. She was out of excuses. Out of options. Had she been picking boyfriends who weren't good enough so she didn't have to be right
here, where it was so scary? Because the relationships had always ended, she'd be able to retreat back to her safe life, with her sisters and her lifelong job at the family bookstore. No risks. No failures. No pain.

Brice was different. That's why he made her feel all these things she hadn't had to experience before. Like being so vulnerable it was as if she were inching out onto a tiny little limb hanging way out over the Grand Canyon. With every move she could feel the limb sinking downward, getting ready to snap beneath her weight.

And like the scared little seven-year-old inside her, she'd jumped right off that limb onto the safe earth. Brice was right. If she stayed here, she would never know if the limb would break beneath her weight or if it would support her across the void.

Then she saw Danielle in the intensive care waiting room, her elbows on her knees, her face buried in her hands, sobbing, and Ava forgot everything but comforting her sister. Her heart broke at the strangled sound of Danielle's muffled sobs. As she came closer, she noticed a smaller room off to the side, where a volunteer was trying to read to the munchkins.

Tyler saw her first. “Aunt Ava! I wanna go home.”

“That's why I'm here, cutie.” As heavy as he was, she scooped him up and gave him a hard hug.
She didn't even want to think about what would happen to this little boy if his daddy wasn't okay. Madison was fussing in the volunteer's lap, a pleasant-looking grandmother type who had a sad smile as she put the book away and stood, taking care with the miserable little girl.

“You go help the nice lady with your sister, okay?” Ava set Tyler back down and smoothed his hair. “I gotta talk to your mom for a sec. Then we'll go by and get pepperoni pizza because you know that helps to make anything a little better.”

Tyler nodded, swiped at his eyes with his sleeve and bravely went to help his sister like the good big brother that he was.

Ava's heart broke when she knelt down beside Danielle. She'd never seen her stepsister like this, her hair was tousled and her face streaked with tears. She simply wrapped her in a hug, feeling her heartache and terror. She couldn't bear to think about what Dani's future would be like without her beloved Jonas. With her great love lost.

Okay, she wasn't going to
take
that as a sign from above, because it wasn't. Really. She released Dani and fetched a full box of tissues, since the box on the table beside her was empty. “Any word?”

Dani shook her head. “He's still in surgery.”

“That's gotta be good, right? He's hanging in there. And he has you and the kids to fight for. I've
been praying on the way over. Do you want to pray together now? You'll feel better.”

“Praying is all I've been doing. I feel terrible interrupting you tonight. Where's Brice?”

That was Dani, always thinking about everyone but herself. “Don't worry about that. I want to know what I can do for you. To make this easier for you.”

“Oh, Ava.” Dani wiped at more tears. “Nothing but Jonas being just fine is going to make me okay. Do you know what I've been thinking about? I can't get out of my mind how I complained at him this morning. How he wasn't home enough, he wasn't supporting me with the kids enough, that I didn't feel as if he were really listening to me about the hedges needing trimming, and I was so
mad
at him. Just mad. How stupid was that?”

At the misery on Dani's face, Ava's heart broke even more, impossibly, as if there was enough of it to break again. “I know you. You weren't that bad. You couldn't have been. You adore Jonas.”

“I do. But if he passes away, then the last thing I said to him was selfish and unkind. And I was just tired, that was all, but it doesn't change what I said. That when I should have reached out to him, when I should have asked how he was feeling, why he was preoccupied, if there was something I could do for him, I pushed him away. And—” a sob tore through her words “—I just can't bear it.”

“Shh, he knows how much you really love him. Dani, don't cry harder. We'll put it in prayer, all
right?” She took her sister's hands, so cold, and cradled them in hers.
“Dear heavenly Father, please—”

Even in prayer, she could feel Brice's presence, washing over her like a sign from above.
“—Please watch over Jonas in surgery and let him know that we love him, especially Dani, who is hurting so much. Please ease her worries, and bring Jonas back safe to us. In Your name, Amen.”

Like grace, peace washed through her. She opened her eyes to see Brice, with Madison cradled in one strong arm and Tyler's hand tucked trustingly in his much larger one.

He was such a good man. At heart. Of character. Decent to the core. Seeing him again made every vulnerable piece of her spirit long for his love. She wished she could go back and find the clue that would show her this relationship between them would have worked out right.

That was the real issue, wasn't it? That she was terrified that she wasn't enough. That any man—even one as sincere and incredible as Brice—could love her enough to weather any storm to come. She'd watched her parents' marriage crumble, and she never wanted to feel like that again. But how was the pain of not being able to love him, of not ever having the chance to be his wife, any better than never being able to love him at all?

“If it would help you out, I can take charge of the kids,” he said. “Get them home and some dinner
in them. Ava, I know you were going to do this, but no one else is here to be with Danielle. You should stay with her and let me do this for you.”

Was she capable of speech like a normal person? No-oo. She just stared at him, falling in love with him all over again. Was it smart?

No. Was it sensible?

No. But could she stop it?

No.

The strength of her love for him overwhelmed her, filled with the blazing light of a hundred galaxies, so bright that it changed how she saw him. She now looked at him in a way she'd been too afraid of before. Through the eyes of her heart, through her deepest dreams and into her future. Where there was only a love for him so strong, that it felt as if nothing could defeat it. Nothing could break it.

She could see that happily-ever-after dream of hers, and it was within her reach. All she had to do was to accept it. She'd never realized how terrifying it was to be so vulnerable and to have a dream come true. It was so much to accept. So much to treasure. So much to lose.

So much to lose.

She understood better Danielle's agony. From a deeper place. Life was uncertain; anything or everything could change in a moment. She'd spent her life being afraid of that moment, of losing every
thing, that she'd lived her life to protect herself from what Danielle was feeling at this moment.

But was that how she wanted to live? To spend her years protecting her heart and her life from loss? How could there be any goodness in that? There would be no love and no joy. What if Brice was right? His words came back to her, and she knew, when their gazes met and held, that he was thinking this, too.

If she walked away now, she would never know. Maybe never knowing would be a greater sorrow than finding out what could ever be.

“Thanks, Brice. That would be great.”

He didn't need to say anything, she knew he understood. They had things to say to one another, but not here. Not now.

“Let me give you my house key.” She pulled her ring out of the pocket and removed the key with trembling fingers.

When she handed it to him, their fingers touched and peace filled the empty places in her soul. It was love, his love, that made her believe.

“Thank you,” she whispered, because she had no voice.

“Anything for you, sunshine.”

She believed him. She watched him walk away, remembering the Scripture she'd quoted to him.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance.
It was all him, she realized. He was the man who
embodied that verse. Who had a heart big enough and a character true enough to never give up, never lose faith and endure through everything.

And then, she realized, so did she.

“Brice is such a good man,” Danielle said on a sob. “Sometimes you just don't realize exactly how blessed you are.”

“And sometimes you do,” Ava said, and knelt down to stick with her sister through the wait ahead.

 

Brice headed down the hallway, finished checking on the sleeping kids. Although it was nearly six in the morning, he'd been pretty much up all night. He hadn't been able to get a wink of sleep with so much on his mind. With so much left unsaid.

Ava had called around two in the morning to say that Jonas was out of surgery and was touch and go in intensive care. She would be by as soon as she could leave Danielle.

He'd just put the tea water on when he heard the front door creak open. Ava was in the entryway, dropping her purse and keys on the little table there. Exhaustion haunted her face and bruised the delicate skin beneath her eyes, but not outright grief. “He's doing better. Danielle's still with him.

“Good. I've been keeping him in prayer.”

“Thank you.” She moved aside, and it was hard to read what was in her eyes, what she intended to say, and then he knew why. They weren't alone.

Aubrey stepped in, holding a grocery bag. “Hi, Brice.”

“Good morning. Would you two like some tea?”

“That would great, thanks.” Ava answered for both of them, taking the sack from Aubrey. The twins exchanged glances and without a word Aubrey slipped down the hallway to check on the kids. Or, more likely, to give them some privacy.

Ava came toward him. “Katherine is at the hospital now, and we're taking turns with Danielle. It was really great of you to do this. It meant she didn't have to worry about her kids, and she wasn't alone until the rest of the family could get there.”

“It was my pleasure.” Brice came towards her and took the grocery sack from her arms and set it on the counter, so there was nothing between them. Nothing to hide behind. Only the truth of their feelings. “Do you know how devoted to you I am? How sure of my love for you?”

“I'm starting to get the picture.”