Authors: Jessica Gaffney
Claire tucked her legs up to her chest and listened to her friend. “Well, it wasn’t a disaster. You two will go out again, when he gets back.”
Maggie covered her face with a throw pillow. “Ugh.“I can’t sit here, I’m too wound up.”
“What are you gonna do?”
She called for Vala. “I’m going for a late night walk.”
“I thought you were afraid of the coyotes?”
“I am but I’m more mad right now than anything. I can’t sit here.”
She put on her work boots and a heavy coat before heading outside.
“Use the front door, so you don’t wake up Eli.”
“Good idea.”
Before she reached the porch steps, the coyote howls were already filling the night air. They were a distant reminder of how scared she was when they first arrived in Colorado. Maggie could never shake the feeling that someone was following her or could sneak up behind her. Being alone, outside, made her feel vulnerable. But tonight she pushed through those feelings and was determined to take control of her thoughts.
She had Ben to thank for that. He saw past her anxiety and gave her simple suggestions. In fact, his perception was the complete opposite of hers and it was very helpful. Where she saw weakness, he saw growth.
She proceeded to walk the dog despite her anxiety and fought it with every step. Maggie looked up at the sky and remembered what Eli told her, the stars were always shining, even during the day. With a deep breath and a sense of pride, she centered her thoughts on all her accomplishments. She kept Eli safe, she moved across the country. She made a new life for herself and her path was beginning to make sense. Whether or not Ben joined her, she could feel the momentum rising. She was physically free from Jack but now her mind was also shedding the scales of the past and stepping into a new place— One where she thought for herself.
Vala wandered about as Maggie trailed close behind. She kept in eye range of the house, admiring some of the construction going on down the street. Every year another cabin was torn down for some monstrosity, but Maggie didn’t care. Eli loved the machinery and big trucks that pulled in through the neighborhood. Vala had new scents to smell and her scurrying made walks fast and easy, as long as they ventured near the construction site.
Vala picked her head up and stared at the road. She turned back to peek at the house as a car zoomed by.
“Jerk,” Maggie shouted as she jumped back.
What kind of idiot drove like that around here? There were deer and other wildlife, and the streets were pitch black in parts. Maggie looked at the taillights as the car took a turn at the bottom of the hill. She was sure she hadn’t seen it before, and whoever was driving had something on their mind. There were some teenagers at the top of the hill who partied frequently. Maggie saw their leftover beer cans and cigarettes loitered across the construction site. It bothered her, but no more than any other reckless behavior.
She didn’t want that kind of life for Eli. She wanted him to find a hobby or sport and pursue his education. She wanted grandkids and even more kids, while there was still time. But for that she needed a husband. Raising Eli alone had been hard enough. It would be nice to find someone like Ben who actually had a heart and was a kind, gentle man.
The house was warm when she returned. Claire was nestled up on the couch with a hot cup of coffee.
“You made coffee?”
“Yes. Now get your butt over here and tell me about the date.”
“It was fine.”
Claire nudged her. “Don’t give me that. The guy had a shirt and tie on. What else happened?”
“We went to Morton’s, and sat by the fire.”
“That’s the best.” She closed her eyes to imagine it. “Tell me more.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Well, what happened, how did he act? What did you talk about?”
She felt the way Eli must feel when she hammers him with endless questions. “Claire, he’s a good man. I like him. But I barely know him.”
“Good point. Have you told him about Jack yet?”
Maggie tilted her head and stared at her friend. “He knows a little bit. But he doesn’t know what I went through.”
She brought the mug to her lips. “Are you gonna tell him?”
Maggie pulled at the seam of the couch cushion. Claire looked and Maggie and urged her, “You better do that soon, before you get too attached.
“I know.”
“I’m not kidding, Maggie, tell him as soon as he gets back.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Klaus went to Denver Monday morning, leaving Maggie alone. Koji’s new owners were flying her out to California so she needed to get the papers ready. This was the first time she would sign them and prepare the whole packet for Klaus. It was also another reason she wanted a raise. She rehearsed her reasoning while she checked on the kennels, making sure the help was doing their job. She checked the Yak Meat in the freezer and prepared the next weeks order. Mondays were typically busy, since calls backed up over the weekend.
When Ben called on her lunch break, she knew it would be a short conversation. She hadn’t heard from him since Saturday night, which meant he was slammed.
All she received from him Sunday was a text saying he was okay and there was a lot of work to do.
“Hey stranger,” she said with yearning in her voice.
“Hi,” he muttered.
She could hear the exhaustion in his voice in just one word. “I take it things aren’t going so good.”
“You’d be right,” he said shortly.“Listen I can’t really talk, just wanted to stay in touch. How’s Eli?”
She twiddled a pen as she sat back in her office chair. “He’s fine. We went sledding yesterday up on Morgan Hill. It was a lot of fun.”
“Good, I am glad to hear that,” his voice softened, but was still rushed. Maggie desperately wanted to be held in his arms. She needed him.
“Yeah, maybe we could take him sometime.”
“That sounds great. Listen I can’t say when I’ll be home, I think tomorrow, but it all depends.”
Maggie assured him she understood.
“What are you doing to keep busy?”
She smiled. “Well Eli has a part in the school play. He’s a donkey, so I guess I need to sew a costume.”
“That’s some costume.”
“I’ll manage. The store in town usually has supplies for things like this.
There was noise in the background. “Mag, I got to go. Let me try you tonight once I get back to the hotel.”
“Okay.”
“Bye.”
It was an awkward call but at least he made an effort. She put her phone down and absorbed herself in the contract she was writing. If she hurried, she may have time to get that costume before she picked up Eli.
It took her all morning but the costume was finally finished. Ben had returned late on Tuesday and drove to her house to say hello. Eli was thundering across the floor in his space pajamas, wanting to play.
Ben patted his head, “You settle down and get some good sleep. Tomorrow’s a big day.”
Eli looked up at him. “What’s tomorrow?”
“Isn’t it your school play?”
“Oh yeah,” He replied excitedly. “Are you going to come?”
Ben walked him back to his room and tucked him in. “Mommy already read to me, but we can say prayers.”
Maggie listened from the kitchen, she wasn’t sure Ben believed in God, or the Universe, or anything. But she definitely did and so did Eli.
His faint voice warmed her heart as the words met her ears. “Lord above, thank you for this amazing boy. May you bring him strength, and power, laughter and sport. Thank you for his mom who loves him dearly and thank you for loving us all. Amen.”
Maggie kept reminding herself not to get too involved. She hadn’t talked with Ben yet about her personal history and she wanted to tell him.
When he came back to the kitchen, she had to cover her yawn. Maybe tonight was not the time to get into an elaborate story.
Ben wrapped his arms around her. “I’m sorry I had to run off like that.” He kissed her head.
Claire’s directives were ringing in her ears. Tell him— the sooner the better.
“I missed you guys.”
“We missed you too,” Maggie whispered as she nestled into his warm embrace. “I’m glad you are back.”
He brushed her hair back with his hand. “Me too.”
She felt the nerves rise in her throat.
“Ben, I think we need to talk about my past. I’d rather you know now, who I am and what I’ve lived through, before I,” wait, she rephrased that. “Before we get too attached to having you around.”
His sugary brown eyes melted her, as he stared at her from a foot away. “Couldn’t we talk about it tomorrow?”
“That’s the thing, every time I want to tell you, either Eli interrupts or you have work, or I chicken out. I’d rather just tell you now. And clear the air.”
Ben motioned toward the kitchen table. “Alright.”
The table could seat six. No matter how hard she tried Maggie never felt at home in her own house. She and Eli did add up to a happy family. She needed something more. While she was open to adopting a child or having more, Ben also seemed like a great addition. A family unit was important to her. And she wasn’t settling for Ben, he was here and he liked her.
“What’s this big secret life you have to tell me about?”
Maggie wanted to come clean, to let him know how she thought and what she experienced. She had a lot of apprehension and fear, and she needed Ben to know the real her. With her hands in her lap and a quiet voice she proceeded.
“Here goes. Jack started seeing things before we got married.”
Ben twiddled his thumbs. “Huh?”
“Jack started to see things that other people don’t.”
Ben sat forward. “What do you mean?”
“I mean Jack saw ghosts, demons, dead people, angels.”
“What? Does the dude have paranoia or something?”
“Could be,” she offered. “He’s never been diagnosed.”
“Did he hurt you?” He asked tensing his jaw.
Maggie prepared herself. “Yes, more than once.”
He cupped her hands from across the table. “Maggie. I had no idea.”
Her eyes welled up. “I’d rather just tell you now, that this may be what you are dealing with should we keep seeing each other.”
His phone buzzed again. He looked at the number. “Oh.” He smiled. “Bad timing, but I was supposed to get some salt for my aunt and take care of the driveway. Let me drop off the bags before she goes to sleep, I’ll freshen up, and then I am coming back. Is that okay with you?”
“I’d like that.”
“I’m sorry to cut you off, but I’d rather take care of her, she’s been so good to me.”
Anxiety had long been a source of adrenaline for Maggie. Waiting to see if Ben actually came back started her on this emotional merry go round. What if he didn’t come back, what would she tell Eli?
Maggie popped a Gaba supplement after she walked Ben to the door. She scribbled a note and left it on her bedroom door.
Talking about Jack made her nervous. She called Vala with her into the bathroom and stepped into a steaming hot shower. Maggie let the suds run over her tired skin. A few more minutes of bliss and her worries would wash down the drain. She squeezed the conditioner out of her hair and patted her face dry.
If Ben had not returned she planned on sitting at the kitchen table with her laptop, maybe she could organize her unopened mail and catch up on the bills that she missed. But just in case he had, she slipped on a pair of yoga pants and draped a long sweater over her shoulders. Uncertain of the protocol she glossed her lips and toweled dried her hair.
Vala followed her out of the room. The crackle of the fire in the quite house helped ease her tension.
“Hey there,” Ben sat up as she walked out from the bedroom. He was laid up on the couch with the TV on softly. “I hope you don’t mind but I bagged up some garbage that was strewn across the driveway. I wasn’t sure where Vala was so I didn’t put it in the garage.”