Everything I Ever Wanted (38 page)

"I was not made compliant," she said. "I was made senseless."

South nodded. He might never know if Margrave had drugged India to make her submissive or because he wanted to spare her the physical distress. "I have watched tattoo artists ply their trade in many ports, and I have never seen it done painlessly. Men who go quite willingly to have it done often wince under the needle, and it is usually only an arm they offer up. How long did it take Margrave to make the design?"

"I don't remember. A sennight, perhaps. It might have been longer."

"When?"

"Three years ago," shesaid. "In Paris. After he recovered from his injury."

"Aah, yes. The pistol ball to his head. A miracle that he survived."

India's attention was caught by South's dry, mocking accents. She raised her head from his shoulder so that she might see him better. "Some said it was exactly that."

"I'm sure."

"You do not think so?"

"What I am is unconvinced that divine intervention was at work." With little in the way of pressure, South brought India's head back to his shoulder. "Do you know why Margrave chose roses, India?"

"Purity."

"The thorns?"

"Pain."

"And the significance of the blood-red tears?"

"Passion."

South's gray eyes took on a flinty cast. The set of his mouth remained cold and forbidding."He told you all this?"

"Yes. Margrave likes to explain his work, what it means, how he has come to conceive it. He wants me to understand it." She shook her head slightly. "I think there can be no understanding, at least on my part. Everything he does is beyond my comprehension, no matter how carefully he explains it to me."

South considered it doubtful that Margrave's explanations were truly meant for India. "He needs to hear himself say it," South told her. "He convinces himself that what he does is a reasoned course of action. In that manner, Margrave is removed many times from a sense of his own madness."

India had never thought of it in such terms before, but upon hearing South's construction, she immediately recognized it as the truth. "How can you know?" she asked, a bit awed that he should grasp so quickly what had always eluded her. "I have never been" Her thought remained unfinished as a shiver slipped under her skin.

South ran his hand along India's back, massaging away the chill and easing the tension between her shoulder blades, "Margrave justifies what he does," South told her. "He does not explain. There is but a fine line separating the two things, and men who are in many ways more in command of their faculties than Margrave are accomplished at it. One need only visit Parliament to know the truth of that." He smiled faintly as he felt the small vibration of her chuckle under his palm. It eased him a little to know that she could still laugh. He was not certain that he would do the same any time soon. "It is really an insignificant observation that I make, India. There is no reason that you should have known it, especially given that you were Margrave's prisoner."

It surprised her that he used that word. She had never called herself such, though she knew it to be true. The freedom that she had enjoyed was nothing more than an illusion she needed to embrace. "That is the intent of it all, you know."

South frowned, not understanding."What do you mean?"

"The reason Margrave placed the tattoo upon me, the significance of the design he chose. The final P. Purity. Pain. Passion."

" Prisoner ," he said flatly, finishing it for her. "Of course."

India closed her eyes. South's hand at her back was warm, soothing. The pressure of his palm made the satin dressing gown slide mostpleasurably against her skin. "Do you know why I chose the stage?" she asked.

South was certain India's question was not the non sequitur it appeared to be. He was equally certain he was not meant to guess at the answer. It left him with one response. "Tell me," he said.

It made her smile, this careful, tempered reply of his. There was a gentleness in his hold on her, in his voice, in the manner that his fingers threaded through her hair, all of it at odds with the heaviness of his heartbeat and the tension she could feel in the line of his body. She could only imagine how difficult it was for him to sit with her now, when what he must want to do was ride hard to London to find the Earl of Margrave. What she would tell him now would not make it any easier.

"I chose the stage," she went on, watching South's features in profile,"because I realized I could escape him there. Not only his presence, but his influence. He cannot touch me when I stand behind the footlamps. No one can. Even Mr. Kent is at my mercy. He controls every aspect of the production until his actors take to the stage, and then he is helpless to do anything but watch."

"It is the same with Margrave," South said.

"Yes. The very same." She saw by the faint downturn at the edge of South's lips, then the deepening of a crease at the corner of his eye, that he was trying to work the puzzle out. A muscle jumped in his cheek as his jaw came tightly closed. "Margrave resents it when I am out of his reach," she told him.

South's frown deepened. There was something here that was just outside his reach."Yet he has been on the Continent while you were becoming the toast of the London stage."

"Was he?"

"What are you saying? That he has been here with you all this time? I have watched you, India. I've seen who comes and goes from your residence. Doobin. Your dresser. The servants. Kent." His head swiveled sharply. "Is it Kent?" he asked. "Are you telling me that Kent is Margrave?"

India sat up. "No," she said. "He is not Kent, m'lord. He is Mrs. Garrety."

He waited in a stand of trees and watched the flicker of light in the upper window. It was cold, and he stamped his feet in place and blew on his cupped hands to ward off the piercing chill. The ride to Ambermede had been a hard one, almost without pause. Snow squalls made the journey doubly trying, preventing him from seeing the road ahead or even much of what was under his mount's hooves. He had persevered because it was not in him to do otherwise.

A slim beam of moonlight penetrated the canopy of pine boughs and slanted across his gloved hands as he raised them to his face. He took a single step backward and was swallowed by shadow again.

It was a precaution only. It did not seem likely that anyone would have a purpose to go to the window and peer out. More doubtful was the chance that he might be seen. The lateness of the hour suggested that Southerton and India were sleeping and that the winking light he saw behind the curtains was merely from the fireplace. The suggestion of movement in the room was but a trick of the light and wind-rattled windowpanes. Still, he would wait until he was certain of their absolute slumber before he let himself inside.

Feeling South's restlessness, India removed herself from his lap. He did not try to stop her. He came almost immediately to his feet and crossed the room, putting some distance between them. He stood at first with his back to her, facing the fireplace, his arms braced on the mantel, his head slightly bowed. It was no easy thing for India to wait for the moment he would turn on her. She drew out the sash of her belted dressing gown, wrapping it around her fingers.

"You might have told me at the outset," South said finally. He glanced backward over his shoulder. "Did it never occur to you to do so?"

"Just the opposite."

"Yet you said nothing."

"To what purpose? I suspected him of nothing. I was charged with protecting him."

"At all cost?" South demanded. He pushed away from the fireplace and turned on his heel to face her. "He is dangerous, India."

Her chin came up and she stared hard at him."You speak from the superior position of hindsight. Until these last days I have always thought he was only dangerous to himself or to me. Why do you think I asked you not to pursue trying to discover the identity of my protector? I believed I understood the consequences much better than you. When you abducted me from the theatre, it was the same. I supposed that Margrave would find a way to hurt me, perhaps himself, but that he would try to hurt someone else? That he was capable of murder? No, I did not think that."

India's features softened, becoming less challenging and more earnest. "Revealing the truth about Margrave's disguise merely seemed to make him a pathetic creature. It occurs to me now that I was protecting myself as well. I must be no less pitiable, I thought, since I am unable to leave him. It is only that I did not want to seem so in your eyes."

South shook his head. "India. No, it is not"

She raised her voice slightly, cutting him off."Yes, South, it is . You must know it to be true. I would be with him now if you had not removed me from London. And I will be with him again."

"Absolutely not."

India was having none of it. She set her head at an angle, one brow arched. "You have no say. I will make amends for my culpability. If Margrave is indeed responsible for Mr. Kendall's murderand I believe now that he must be then I must do this thing. You have been persuasive in your arguments, my lord, and you cannot take them back now. You still think Margrave killed Mr. Rutherford, do you not?"

South had little choice but to answer honestly. "Yes," he said finally, reluctantly. "Or at least that he caused the murder to be done."

She nodded, satisfied. "And the attempt on the prince regent?",

"Yes."

"You agree Lady Macquey-Howell is also in danger?"

He sighed. "Based on what you have told me, yes."

"Then you know you are at risk as well."

"Me?"

India's eyes narrowed as her regard of him became shrewd and assessing. She wondered if she could believe he had not already considered it, and decided she could not. "You must realize that Margrave will come to learn that I am with you. Indeed, I think you are depending upon it. From the beginning, your plan in removing me from London to Ambermede was twofold. You hoped that I could be persuaded to give you information that would point to the murderer, but barring that, you hoped that my presence here would flush him out."

She felt the edge of the bed behind her, and now she sat down, made a little off balance by this new understanding of her circumstances. "That is it, isn't it? It has never been about my protection, not entirely. You and the colonel have used me to bait the hook."

South was silent for a long time. "Not the colonel," he said at last. "He knew of my plan only after the fact. And then he was against it."

India nodded faintly."That is something, at least. He will not have wanted you to come to the same end as Mr. Kendall and Mr. Rutherford. I cannot say that I approve of it, either."

It was then that South realized that India's concern was not for herself but for him. He found it as humbling as he did disturbing. "You should be furious with me."

"Do you think I am not? You have deliberately placed yourself in the adder's path. Margrave will try to kill you, and if you are no better than those who have come before you, he will succeed. I regret I did not understand it so well at the outset, but then you thought you had reason to keep certain secrets. Now you must allow me to protect you."

South made a vaguely dismissive and impatient gesture. "India, you said yourself that I used you to bait the hook. Do you care so little for yourself that you cannot be angry with me for that?"

India's brows drew together as she frowned. "You have a most curious mind, my lord. It is not that I care nothing for myself but that Margrave's anger does not place me in the same jeopardy as you. If we are not successful in stopping him, my life with him will only be more confined and difficult. Your life will be at an end. It is not the same thing at all."

"I mean to keep you safe," he said quietly.

"I know that. It is what places you at the greatest risk." India took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "That is why I must return to London quickly. It is too isolated here. If I cannot deflect Margrave's attention from you, you will be far better protected with your friends to guard your back."

"No."

"No? I do not understand." India watched in some amazement as South simply gave her his back. Just as if he had not heard her at all, he padded to the armoire and rooted through it until he found his nightshirt. He pulled it over his head, then removed his trousers from under it. After making certain the fire was burning hot, he returned to his side of the bed and slipped under the covers. For a moment she could not speak. Twisting slightly so that she might see him better, India concluded that he would be quite grateful if she remained silent. There was nothing about his obdurate expression that invited conversation. "I am not afraid of you, you know, so it is no good looking at me like that."

"I am not looking at you."

Indeed, he was not. He was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling, and there was nothing contemplative about his pose. India snuffed the candle between her thumb and forefinger before she removed South's dressing gown and joined him under the blankets. She turned on her side toward him and propped her head on her elbow."I will not be ignored," she said. "Perhaps you are used to giving commands and having them obeyed, but it is not enough to tell me no. I deserve an explanation." She saw by the faint lift of one dark brow that she had startled him."I think you are arrogant, my lord, and do not like to be questioned."

It was probably a fair observation, South thought, though he was loath to admit it. His eyes shifted briefly to India, and he sighed. "Do you think I can allow you to return to Margrave knowing what I know now? When you speak of going back to London, that's what you mean. Returning to the stage, to your home, to him ."

"Yes," she said softly. "But it would not be for long. You have not the evidence you need now to arrest him. There is no proof that he has done any of the things you believe. I certainly can offer none, and I do not think you mean to take the life of a man who has not been judged guilty of a crime or even accused of one."

"Do not mistake my resolve, India. I can easily kill Margrave for what he has made you bear."

She shook her head."No. You mustn't. To acquit yourself you would have to tell what was done to me at Margrave's hands, and it still might not be enough. Do you think I desire that all of London should know what he did, or that you should be called to defend your actions on my behalf? Until recently his mother was legally my guardian, while you can make no claim at all to me. I am nothing to you, my lord. No relation. No wife. I am not even properly your mistress. Do not set yourself on a course to avenge me. No one is served by that."

"You would prefer that I pretend the motive for the murders is political, not personal."

"Is it not what you and the colonel thought at first?"

"Yes. It was only Rutherford's murder that made me consider another possibility." South's cheeks puffed a little as he released a long breath. "I suppose it is good that people believe he has fled the country. Even his family would be hard pressed to accept his murder was in any way connected to politics."

"You must concentrate on Mr. Kendall's murder," India said. "Or how Margrave arranged the attempt on the prince regent's life. And there is still Lady Macquey-Howell to consider."

A small, rueful smile edged South's lips as he considered what India was trying to do. "I am not unaware of your real purpose, India."

Her response held every nuance of innocence. "What do you mean?"

"There is but one reason you want me to assign the Earl of Margrave political motives for the murders, and it has nothing to do with what people would think of you if the truth were known. If that were to come to pass, you would simply withdraw from the scandal and retire in quiet and content obscurity. Perhaps the Cotswold Hills again or somewhere near Ambermede. I do not think you would be at all sorry to leave London."

South glanced at her. Even with her features in shadow, he sensed he had engaged her full attention. "I believe you mean to protect me still, India. Not from Margrave this time, but from myself. From acting with anything less than a clear head when I come face-to-face with him. That is what you meant when you said I shouldn't avenge you. You are afraid that sort of passion will cause me to act rashly."

She hesitated before asking, "Won't it?"

"Yes." He turned on his side and faced her. There was a glint of white teeth as his rueful smile widened. "It would. And it was good of you to realize it, though unnecessary. The colonel has said as much to me in the past."

"He has?"

"Oh, yes. He has never minced words about my romantic streak."

"Romantic? You mean reckless, I think."

"He would say they are not so different. I accept his caution because it is meant well and because I know he loves me like a son." South felt India's stillness, and his voice dropped, nudging her with its quiet intensity. "But that is not how you love me, is it?"

"I mmm" How was she supposed to answer that question? she wondered. "I think"

"Is it so very hard for you to say?"

"I have never heard the same from you, m'lord."

South's chuckle vibrated from deep within his chest. "You take a perverse pleasure in keeping me in my place. M'lord this. M'lord that." He reached out and laid his hand lightly on the curve of her neck. His thumb brushed her chin, then the lower line of her lip. "I know you mean to remind me of the disparity in our stations, but the distinction is far more important to you than it is to me. It is not that I am unaware of society's opinion on such things, but that I am indifferent to it. You will recall that I count West as one of my very good friends and have done so since we were at Hambrick. It has never mattered that he was a bastard, and I shall remind him of it in the event he becomes too high in the instep."

"You would not," she whispered.

"You may depend upon it. West will." South traced a line from the underside of India's chin to the hollow of her throat. He felt her swallow hard. "You have not yet said that you love me, India. I have not forgotten, you know."

"Can it be so very important? Surely it is another complication."

"Hang the complications."

The laughter that came to India's lips was tinged with uncertainty. "Mayhap if you went first."

"I already have."

Now she frowned deeply. "No, you haven't. I would remember a declaration of that nature."

"Did I not say, 'Myself am moved to woo thee for my wife'?"

India felt a queer little curling in her stomach, part excitement, part unease. It was not so different from the first time he had said those words to her. On that occasion, her knees had simply gone out from under her and she had dropped into the chair beside her. For his part, South had seemed supremely unaffected. It seemed to India that little had changed. "That signifies nothing. You were reciting from the Shrew."