Read Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Dungeons & Dragons Online
Authors: Shelly Mazzanoble
Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Dungeons & Dragons (9 page)
It really is easier to make the decision to be happy. I feel more free and lighter than I have in â¦Â well â¦Â days. I guess there's truth in that old saying “laugh and the world laughs with you”âor least a few co-workers and possibly your cat.
“It's all good,” I told Zelda, petting her head. “Sunshine and laughter.”
She tried to bite me.
“You have a lot to learn about Pelor,” I said.
I was in such a good mood I decided to finally tackle her litter box. I was about one clump away from her expressing her displeasure with the housekeeping services on the area rug.
“Sunshine and laughter, love and light,” I chanted on the balcony, feeling the goodness of Pelor fill my innards and I dumped Zelda's old litter into a plastic bag. I just might take this experiment into the weekend. Maybe another week. Who knows? Maybe I'll never stop. And then I noticed my downstairs neighbor's car is parked right below. Wouldn't it be awful if I didn't tie this plastic bag tight enough and left it on the balcony overnight? Especially terrible considering the forecast said it was going to get real breezy overnight.
I know, I know, not the most pious move but I'm pretty sure even Pelor would think my neighbor is a prick. And I continued to bask in his sunshine and laughter as I clomped around my living room.
I always knew religion factored into D&D to some extent, but personally I never explored it, and like the anti-Judy, allowed my ignorance to prevent my characters from subscribing to any one faith. While it's not required that your D&D character subscribes to any particular religion or god, spirituality does exist. Like any aspect of the game, it's what you make of it. It can actually be a fundamental part of D&D, which is ironic considering all the allegations lobbed at D&D players who were thought to have allegiances to the man down under.
Let's talk about those for a minute. I've been playing for more than half a decad e (and I think we've established I'm pretty easily swayed by rose quartz, psychics, a strappy pair of wedges, etc.), and so far I haven't felt compelled to so much as squash a spider. Even the spider that decided to summer on my toothbrush. He, and the toothbrush, were gently placed outside on the balcony. (Coincidentally, so was Zelda, my cat. What she may or may not have done to the spider is between her and whatever god she reports to.)
I don't believe a game or a song or a passage in a book can “make” someone commit horrific acts of evil. I understand the need to look for scapegoats when something horrific happens. And of course the media loves a good “the rogue made me do it” tale, but let's be honest: If someone is capable of committing the acts in question, he or she was probably heading down that path long before he or she picked up a twenty-sided die. D&D, like music and books, is an escape. It can provide people with a sense of solace. Control in an otherwise out of control existence. But nothing is a guaranteed cure-all. It's just sad when something that likely provided an individual with perhaps the one sense of peace in his or her life gets blamed for making it all fall apart. And yes, I'm totally typing this from a soapbox.
Choosing your alignment isn't easy. Just in case you don't have time to try various gods and goddesses on for size (and fear ending up with weird macaroni art in the process), take a short cut to enlightenment with this simple quiz.
Vacation! You have one week to go anywhere you want. Where to?
A.
Time to pack the hammer and tool belt! I'm building a habitat for humanity!
B.
Anywhere! I'll decide on the way to the airport!
C.
Burning Man, baby!
D.
Somewhere quiet and chill. These books aren't going to read themselves.
E.
On a seven-day bike tour through the Vosges Mountains! Pedal all day, sample Gewürztraminers all night.
You feel most comfortable in
:
A.
A cloud of patchouli and Birkenstocks (but only if I have to wear shoes).
B.
Something trendy. I pride myself in being fashion forward.
C.
Heavy cotton shirts, Dickies, steel-toe boots, and gloves. Protection is paramount.
D.
A library.
E.
Gym clothes. Never know when the urge to do a few hundred pushups will strike.
When your dice are rolling poorly, you
:
A.
Close your eyes and pray for some divine intervention. You'll give up cheese and chocolate and basic cable for something with double digits!
B.
Laugh. It's the nature of the game! And then pull out one of the thirty-seven d20s you carry around for backup.
C.
Destroy them!
D.
Go easy on the dice. According to your latest algorithm you should be back on track in about seventeen dice rolls.
E.
Jog in place. Maybe do a few jumping jacks. Anything to upset the negative feng shui that's clearly clogging up your play space.
Stop, thief! You're already running late to meet up with friends and see a thug take off with an elderly lady's purse. You:
A.
Call the police and then offer the nice lady all the cash you have in your pockets in case the police can't find her bag.
B.
Wait for the police to arrive so you can ask if they'll take you on a ride-along sometime.
C.
Get really, really pissed. Who the hell picks on an old lady? You walk her home and offer to stand guard outside for the next forty-eight hours just in case the thief checks her license and wants to make a repeat performance.
D.
Spend the next fifty-two Saturdays touring senior living centers to offer free self-defense training classes.
E.
Take off after the thug figuring you'll have him pinned to the sidewalk in about a block and a half.
A genie offers to grant you one wish. What do you wish for?
A.
Nice weather for your barbeque on Saturday.
B.
Dealer's choice! Let the genie decide!
C.
Rough up the genie. Everyone knows you get three wishes!
D.
Money to pay off your student loans.
E.
Tickets to the UFC championship. And maybe some new sneakers.
Unfortunately, you're stranded on a desert island that is quickly sinking into the ocean. Fortunately, you have a helicopter! Unfortunately, your helicopter can only fit five people and there are sixteen are on the island. How do you choose who to save?
A.
I can't choose. Instead I will fly my helicopter as fast as I can to safety, unload my passengers, and come back for the others! If my mission fails, at least I'll know I tried.
B.
Have them flip a coin. Heads they come on board, tails they â¦Â well â¦Â don't.
C.
Women and children first! After that, may only the strongest survive.
D.
Decide which five people can offer the most to society. You're basically doing humankind a favor, right?
E.
Have them fight it out. Survival of the fittest.
Mostly A's:
Bust out the sunscreen and the Kashi whole-wheat biscuits! You'll need shielding and sustenance as you bow down to the temple of sunny and selfless
Pelor
. And no, there's no tax write-off for taking inane quizzes with absolutely no scientific merit behind them. Now go let the sunshine in, you do-gooding hippy.
Mostly B's:
Have you ever actually seen a Cheshire cat smile? No, because that would be creepy. However it's not creepy to have a little Lady Luck smiling down on you like the god of your choosing, Avandra. I know, I know, you probably changed your answers a million times, and believe me,
Avandra
approves. Now really test your luck and buy a lottery ticket and try to get front row parking at Trader Joe's.
Mostly C's:
You're a maniac, maniac, on the floor.⦠Oh, sorry. Every time I think of your god,
Moradin
, I think of that montage scene from Flashdance where Jennifer Beals dances her leg warmers off in an old converted warehouse. Why, you ask? Because she worked as a welder by day. Moradin would totally approve. In addition to being a maniac, you're also probably darn pleased with the results of this quiz. And if for some reason you aren't, who would know? You'll bite your lip, put on a brave face, and craft a set of bunk beds out a few hundred discarded hubcaps until you feel better
Mostly D's:
Hey, there. Sorry to interrupt while you're out there curing diseases, launching rockets into space, and rereading War and Peace while waiting for the clerk to finish bagging your groceries. I just wanted to give you the results of that quiz you took. Boy, you must love quizzes, huh? So does your deity,
Ioun
. Anything that engages your brain and provides a little insight into the inner workings of that giant brain of yours just makes you warm and tingly. That's all. Carry on with your little hobbies now.
Mostly E's:
Two, four, six, eight, who do you contemplate?
Kord, Kord, Kord!
That is when you're not painting your face in your team's colors or training for your next Iron-whatever competition. So wave that foam finger up in the air and eschew those weaklings you leave in your wake! And I really hope you're happy with these results because I don't want you to take your aggro frustration out on me. (Even though Kord might want you to.)
