Everything is Changed (13 page)

jake

I haven't seen Alex for two weeks. That's the longest we've ever gone without hanging out, except when he went to America with his family a few years back. I haven't seen Ellie either. The last days of summer holidays have passed by in a blur of lying on my bed and watching screens. Mum tried to drag me out a few times, but the furthest we got was to the video shop. It happens to be the only video shop left in the southern hemisphere. Mum still calls them videos, which after five years, I've finally stopped laughing at.

And now it's back to school. All the usual nerves and excitement of starting a new school year are missing. There's no Alex. He won't be waiting for me at the end of my street and walking along with his hand in his back pocket, thinking about something. He won't be at his locker. He won't be in line waiting for the hot pies so I don't have to queue up. He won't be there.

Because he's somewhere else.

I Googled his new school. They have a motto in Latin. Something about respect and tradition. All the photos on their website make it look so damn peachy. There are boys swimming, boys playing violin, boys rowing. Boys doing things only boys with a lot of money get to do.

I'm not jealous. I'm hurt. And that's so much worse.

I know Alex says his dad is making him go. But he also wants to. He's running away. He's terrified of staying here because of what happened. I know how frightened he is. I just wish he'd stay and be frightened with me instead of leaving me here in the borough alone.

This is the first back-to-school day I've ever had without Alex. I feel like I'm back in prep. The little scared kid with just a mum to see him off.

I reach the gates. Kids are filing in from everywhere. A few people say hi and I try to be polite. But I feel sweaty, like maybe I'm coming down with something, something that will keep me home for the next six months in quarantine.

‘How were the hols?' says a voice behind me.

I slow so Tien can catch up. ‘Okay,' I say as he pulls his headphones off to talk.

‘And no more Alex,' says Tien.

It's started already. I manage a nod.

‘Grammar school. He'll drown.'

I can't help but laugh at Tien's horrified expression.

‘Maybe he will,' I say, feeling treacherous that I'm banking on Alex failing.

‘Saw his house sold and everything. So he's officially left the borough?'

‘Yep.'

Then Tien really surprises me with a pat on the back that is almost affectionate. Mostly we're competing in science classes for the best marks, so I'm not used to this side of him.

‘I'm sorry for your loss,' he says in a silly voice.

I shrug like it doesn't matter, even though we both know it really does.

‘Come eat lunch with us geeks if you want,' he says as he turns towards the lab, leaving me heading in the other direction.

‘Thanks,' I call after him. Maybe it won't be so bad after all.

I make it through a morning of classes, taking notes, mostly listening to the teachers and managing not to fall asleep. But as the lunch bell rings, I automatically look to the locker Alex used to have. I stand for ages, watching it, like somehow he'll materialise if I just wait long enough.

But instead of Alex, Ellie walks up and opens his locker and throws her bag in.

‘How did you get that locker?'

She smiles at me as she pulls out an apple. ‘Hi, Jake.'

‘Yeah, hi.'

She bites into the apple and leans against the locker. Alex's name, scrawled in purple Sharpie on the door, peeps over her shoulder.

‘Weird being back,' she says. ‘Think we're in English together this afternoon.'

‘Are we?'

‘Yeah. Which is good because I still don't really know anyone here.'

‘Yeah, I'm not looking for any friends,' I say.

Ellie laughs and a bit of apple hits me on the cheek.

‘Sorry,' she says, reaching over and brushing it off. ‘But what's with the 'tude?'

I feel all the fight go out of me. She's right. I'm being a dick.

‘Sorry. It's just weird being here without …'

‘Yeah. I bet.'

And then she slides her arm through mine and starts pulling me down the corridor. Her skin is soft and warm against mine and as we walk, kids look at us. I'm not used to being looked at.

‘Where are we going?'

‘Canteen. I need something hideously deep-fried and you are going to explain to me what food is safe and what food I should avoid. For that, I'll shout you a potato cake.'

‘Potato cakes are definitely on the avoid list. They're sometimes not even cooked.'

‘Ergh. See? I need your help.'

She slams into the canteen door with her bum and holds it open for me. It's very strange being here with Ellie. I've never had lunch alone with a girl before.

The place is as packed as always at this time of the day. Ellie says hi to more people than I do, so clearly the whole not-having-friends thing is just a ruse to make me feel better. But she stays by my side as we wait patiently in the queue.

‘So you're into science?'

‘Yeah.'

‘All of it?'

‘Yeah. Chem mostly.'

‘What's your plan when you leave this place?'

Ellie inches forward and I follow her. She watches me as I talk and I see how bright her eyes are.

‘Science at uni hopefully. What about you?'

‘Literature. History.'

I fake a yawn and she laughs.

‘So what should I avoid?' She leans over the bain-maries and stares at the greasy yellowing food.

‘You really have to ask?'

‘What are the dimmies like?'

‘I wouldn't go there.'

‘Okay. Chips?'

‘Yeah, you're probably safe. And the pies are okay on Tuesdays and Thursdays because that's the days they come in fresh.'

‘And what do you want?'

‘Surprise me,' I say.

She grins and the sight makes me happy. I wait for her at the register as she fills a tray with various evil foods.

‘For you.' She tosses me a large chocolate Big M. I frown as I catch it.

‘Bad choice?'

‘No. My favourite,' I say, surprised.

‘Good. I was right. Took you for a chocolate man. Let's get a seat,' she says, carrying the tray and squeezing through busy tables, while I'm still fiddling with the straw dispenser.

alex

I now live up among the trees. That's what it feels like in my new bedroom. Like I'm safe. Like nothing can get me. I took the little room and left the big one for Sass. She has more stuff than me and in this room I get to see outside from my bed. I can lie down and look straight at a whole window full of green. Ellie likes it here too. Not that she's really allowed in my room for more than about two minutes because Mum and Dad are old school and they won't let doors be closed or friends of the opposite sex hang out in bedrooms.

But on the few occasions she's been up here, she's liked it.

The house itself is ridiculously impressive. I'm not surprised there's been a battle over the will for so long. I'm not sure about all the details because Dad keeps that stuff private, but I know he's had a falling out with his brother, so I guess that had something to do with it. Before we moved in here, my only memory of the house was this tiny room with a balcony on the second floor that was full of my grandfather's taxidermy. I remember being terrified by a large eagle that had these beady black eyes that seemed to follow me around the room. It's still there now, across the hall, in the spare room off the landing, but the feathers are crushed and broken and one of the eyes has fallen out and it's not scary at all.

‘Alex,' calls Mum. ‘Are you ready?' Mum's voice floats up the stairs. I think she loves having a double-storey house with heaps of rooms. It means she can bark orders without having to look at us.

‘Almost,' I call back.

‘We need to get going. Apparently it's busier in the afternoon.'

Sass walks into my room without knocking. She's wearing her new school dress and she swishes the skirt of it as she moves.

‘I don't understand why everyone doesn't want uniforms. They're just so comfortable,' she says theatrically as she plonks down on the end of my bed.

‘I don't want a uniform,' I say.

She shrugs at me like I don't count.

‘And you can't wear that out today, Sass. Go and put normal clothes on.'

‘But I like it.'

‘Yeah, but it's weird when school doesn't start for two weeks.'

‘Three actually. I've got a calendar up in my room.'

Her enthusiasm makes me smile.

‘Are you coming with us?'

‘To watch you and Mum try not to fight? Yeah. I wouldn't miss it,' she says smugly.

Mum and I are not going to fight. I pull on my sneakers and then think better of it. If I have to try on a heap of clothes then I'm wearing thongs.

As my sister waltzes out of my room, she stops in the doorway like she's just remembered something.

‘You finally got rid of Lottie's bed,' she says, pointing to the empty corner of the room. I skip a breath. The floor is clear. Her bed is gone. I jump up and push past my sister and take the stairs stupidly fast.

‘Mum! Where's Lottie's bed?' I scream the words.

Mum is in the kitchen, wiping the already pristine bench.

She doesn't look up as she answers. ‘I threw it out. It's been ages. There were probably fleas.'

‘When did you throw it out?' My voice is shaking.

‘A couple of days ago,' she says with a sigh. ‘If you didn't even realise it was gone, Alex, you're obviously over it.'

‘Over it?' I gulp.

‘Yes.' Mum tosses the sponge into the sink and stands back examining the bench. I stare at her, waiting for her to look up, wondering what to do with the rage that's filled my limbs. But when she does look up, it's with a smile I can't stomach.

‘I'll be in the car,' she says, walking out.

‘I'm in the front,' shouts Sass as she runs past the kitchen and out the front door.

I stay where I am, stuck in the moment with my mother. I didn't notice Lottie's bed was gone. I didn't even see it.

Mum jabs the horn in three short bursts, dragging me stumbling back.

Of course Sass is already buckled up in the front, leaving me to climb into the back seat, my legs squashed up under my chin. Sass turns as if expecting a fight, but I've deflated. I've got nothing left.

Mum reverses out onto the street. I'm still getting used to nature being everywhere. Huge oak trees line the roads and the front gardens are bright summery green. It's nothing like the borough. It's not that far to Camberwell from there, but it means skipping through a kaleidoscope of suburbs, watching them grow and fatten and prosper as you draw closer to the inner belt.

‘You need to keep an eye out for Smith Road, Alex,' Mum says like I have any idea where we're going. But I dutifully start looking out the window to try and find the right place.

I see the signpost for Smith Road. I consider not telling Mum and letting her drive around for a bit longer as punishment for chucking out Lottie's bed. But I'm not sure if I'm angry at her or at myself for not even noticing.

‘There,' I say, pointing to the other side of the road.

‘Finally,' she says with a sigh like it's my fault the uniform shop is so hard to find.

She pulls up outside a small row of shops, parking alongside about four other cars almost identical to ours. Before Mum gets out of the car, she checks her lipstick in the mirror and sees me watching from the back seat. I try a smile, and she begrudgingly tries one back.

Sass is the first into the shop. It seems like she's just as excited to get my uniform as she was to gets hers. At least she only had to go to her new school to buy her uniform, not come to some place like this.

‘Hello, can I help you?' says a woman wearing some of the thickest glasses I've ever seen. I leave Mum to explain and pretend to look at the rack of black wool blazers with different school logos on the pockets. I don't want to want this, but part of me does. I just hope that if what happened hadn't happened, I wouldn't have wanted this. That I would have been content with my friends and Ellie at my old school.

‘Hey, look, you even get a school umbrella. Not fair,' says Sass, picking up a large black umbrella and dropping it back into the display box.

‘Yeah, but you get hair ribbons,' I say jokingly.

‘Here you go, Alex,' says Mum, walking up with a huge stack of hangers. ‘We'll do winter first and then summer. I want to get it all done today.'

Kill me now. She hands me half the shop. The last time I tried on anything in a changing room, I was with Jake and we were buying matching black denim in a shop in the city. It was much more fun than this. This is torture.

I go into the changing room and shut the door. As I hang up all the hangers, I catch a look at myself in the long mirror. My eyes look dark and shadowy, and my hair's getting long and puffy at the front. I like it like this, but Mum's already booked me in for a trim at some fancy place in the junction where apparently they cut a lot of private schoolboy hair. I'm not sure how it's any different than cutting public schoolboy hair, but apparently it is.

I haven't even taken off my jeans when Mum raps hard on the door. ‘I need to see it all, Alex.'

‘I'm still getting dressed, Mum.'

I hear her say something about the speed of boys to the shop assistant and then they both laugh. It makes me want to go even slower.

‘Actually, Alex, try the shirt on with these pants instead. They're smaller,' says Mum loudly. I see a pair of pants being thrust under the fitting room door. I wonder who else is in the shop and if it's as painful for them as it is for me. I button up the pants and flick the lock on the door. I know there's no way she's going to let me get away with not parading in front of her and the shop assistant so if I ever want to get out of here, then I just have to make it happen quickly.

‘These are fine,' I say to Mum, standing in the doorway of the cubicle and trying not to look up. Of course Mum isn't convinced. She slides her cold fingers under the waistband and pulls a face at the assistant. ‘Don't think these will last long. Maybe we should go to the bigger size.'

‘Yes, well, he's probably growing quite quickly,' says the woman. Sass laughs and I shoot her a dirty look. At least she should be on my side. I know I'm blushing, so I sort of push Mum out of the way and step back into the cubicle and start taking off the pants. Obviously I've forgotten to lock the door because Mum barges in while I'm standing in my jocks with the school pants around my ankles.

‘Mum,' I say sharply.

‘Get them off, Alex.'

She actually reaches down to pull the pants from my ankles. It couldn't be any worse. I lift my foot and she yanks them so quickly that I fall back against the fitting room door. Standing up, she hands me another pair in a different size.

‘Try and make this pleasant. Okay, Alex?'

‘I am.'

I sigh and wait until she's gone before trying on the bigger pants. Once again I unlock the door and this time a couple of guys about my age are in the shop with someone I figure is their mum. They're mucking around and one of them looks across at me and holds his hand to his head like a gun and pulls the trigger. I can't help but laugh.

‘It's not a joke,' says Mum, more for the shop assistant's benefit than for mine. She has no idea what I'm laughing at anyway. I wait for her cold fingers to check how much room I have around the waist and watch as the other guys are handed a pile of clothes like mine.

‘We'll take these ones,' says Mum finally. ‘And three of the shirts. Now, just pop on the blazer because I need to check the size.'

I was leaving the blazer to last. There's something about sliding my arms into the lined sleeves and buttoning up the shiny gold buttons that makes me feel like none of this is real. I shove my feet into my thongs just to try and earth some part of me.

I look like a million other kids. The chip in my front tooth is still there. But everything else looks a little different. I'm not the boy in the black jeans and the Vans and the band t-shirt who put a man in a coma. I'm someone else. I try smiling but the smile that comes back in the mirror is strange, uncertain. It doesn't look like one I recognise. I try again and this time it's all elastic and goofy and I wonder if anyone will bother talking to me at the new school or if I'll be the weird outsider who nobody comes near.

Sass stops texting on her phone as I come out. It's like I'm in costume or something. Mum smiles. It's a nice smile. It's genuine. Like she's really happy at the sight of me dressed like this.

‘Perfect,' she says and the shop assistant steps forward to check the sleeve length and shoulders. I can hear her humming as she presses my shoulder to see where the seam ends.

‘Yes, I'd say that's the right fit,' she says finally.

‘What do you think, Alex?'

I don't know what to say, so I nod like I don't care even though I do. Mum reads this as me being dismissive and quickly the golden moment is broken. She turns away from me to focus on what else I need. Even Sass has gone back to her phone and I scuff my thongs along the ground to the changing room, waiting to be handed the pile of clothes for summer.