Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Zombies (35 page)

Their behavior is disturbing and creepy, to be sure, but the Aghori have no connection to the living zombie of contemporary popular culture, much less the undead modern zombie. And they’re not even remotely connected to the Haitian voodoo
zombie. However, some scholars incorrectly assign the term
zombie
to this sect and its followers.

Varying interpretations and beliefs about the modern zombie are to be expected and can often advance the level of respect and understanding that zombies receive. But there is another category of zombie scholarship that is not driven by honest and intelligent differences of opinion but rather by pure laziness. The authors of such works don’t bother to learn much about zombies, familiarize themselves with existing zombie research, or even confirm their facts. Indeed, some don’t even bother to watch the films or read the books they discuss and reference. Misinformation of this kind only increases widespread confusion about the origins and defining characteristics of the modern zombie and shows a complete lack of respect for the subgenre as a whole and for its creator, George A. Romero.

I feel compelled to include some of the most egregious factual errors I’ve spotted in the published works of zombie critics and scholars. Ultimately, it was the sloppy scholarship seen in the examples below that drove me to write this book and still make me want to stick a fork in my eye every time I come across them. This chapter isn’t an extensive catalog of errors, as there are dozens more that I chose not to include because they might be explained away as oversights, typos, or simply honest mistakes.

To be clear, my intention isn’t to make anyone look like an idiot, even if they’re making grossly idiotic claims. So I’ve removed the authors’ names and publication titles to protect the guilty.

Here is a selected tour of the wrong and ridiculous in recent zombie works of nonfiction:

Now that I’ve had my say on the wrong and ridiculous, I ask that you keep a skeptical eye open and check out the
validity of what you read on zombies. Junk gets published every day. Just because something is in print doesn’t mean it’s accurate, remotely factual, or even worth the paper it’s printed on.

And if you’re going to write about zombies, please take the time to confirm your claims. Resist the urge to make sloppy comparisons or sweeping generalizations. And at the very least, watch the films and read the books you’re writing about. Seriously, people.

I
f you take just one thing from this book, I hope it’s a belief that the modern zombie has earned the right to be recognized and clearly defined.

Filled with pure aggression, limited in its biological makeup, and driven by an infection that threatens to swallow the whole of the human race, Romero’s flesh eater is fundamentally the same creature today as it was when it first appeared in
Night of the Living Dead
in 1968. It also continues to prove remarkably relevant through the changing decades.

The modern zombie evolved from vampires, not from the soulless voodoo slaves that share their name. But unlike vampires, the walking dead don’t carry with them the baggage of Old World superstitions and myths. They aren’t supernatural, superhuman, superstrong, or particularly super at anything. Just the opposite. Zombies are grossly natural in their rotting flesh, imperfect brains, and limited physical abilities. They don’t pretend to be anything more or less than what they are.

But what they are is the end of the world.

All zombie research is theoretical. We can never know exactly what the coming pandemic will look like until the teeming un-dead horde is finally at our doorsteps.

You may think that day will never come, and you could be right. But as Daniel Drezner, professor of international politics at Tufts University, argues, even if the chance of a zombie pandemic is a fraction of 1 percent, it represents such a profound and devastating threat to modern civilization that the only responsible course of action is intense research and preparation.
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Because once the dead rise, the days of study and conjecture are over.

Gone will be reasoned debate and hard scientific study. Gone will be global lines of communication and easy access to information. Gone will be the support structures that allow us to engage easily in serious scientific, social, and historic investigation. When the dead rise, it’s run-and-scream time.

Therefore, mankind’s research goal must be to develop solid working theories that foster as complete an understanding as possible of the dangers we face before it’s too late.

The steps it takes to survive the aftermath of a large-scale zombie outbreak are much the same as those needed to survive any prolonged catastrophic natural or man-made disaster.

Our basic human requirements remain constant, and attention to those requirements means the difference between life and death. In survivalist circles, this simple and well-established principle is known as the Rule of Three, which
holds that in a worst-case scenario, a person can live only so long without certain essentials.

In three minutes, you’re dead without air.

In three hours, you’re dead without shelter.

In three days, you’re dead without water.

In three weeks, you’re dead without food.

If you live in a mild climate, you may think you don’t need immediate protection from the elements, but you will always need protection from roaming zombies and the other deadly threats outlined in the previous chapters.

Most importantly, don’t get lost in fantasies of video-game action or big-screen gore. No weapons compound is waiting for you to claim its stash. No armored car is gassed up and ready to lead you out of town. There is no pause in a real zombie outbreak. No reset button when the undead overrun your defenses. No extra lives when you reach your destination, only to be shot in the back by a panicked friend or stranger.

When the dead walk, one mistake is one too many.