Evil Machines (9 page)

‘But Frank would never have got the can otherwise!’ pleaded Emily.

‘I am a police vehicle,’ said the Black Maria, ‘and I do not approve of . . . Oh! What’s that smell?’

Frank had just unscrewed the cap of the red petrol can, and the strong smell of petrol wafted across to the Black Maria.

‘Oh!’ groaned the Black Maria. ‘I’d almost forgotten that heavenly aroma! Quick! Unscrew my cap and fill me up!’

‘Fill you up?’ asked Frank.

‘What’s the point in that?’ asked the Rev. McPherson.

‘Ah! That’s my secret!’ said the Black Maria.

‘What is?’ asked Margaret.

‘Wait and see!’ said the Black Maria.

‘You said you’d tell us,’ said Frank.

‘I said you’d find out,’ replied the Black Maria.

‘If you don’t tell us,’ said Frank, ‘I won’t fill you up.’

‘You must!’ cried the Black Maria. ‘You’ve got to!’

‘Then tell us your secret,’ said Frank.

‘All right! All right!’ said the Black Maria. ‘But you’ve got to fill me up as soon as I’ve told you!’ It paused and looked around to make sure none of the other cars were listening.

‘I’m not like the others,’ whispered the Black Maria. ‘I’m PWO!’

‘PWO?’ said Frank.

‘PWO?’ said Emily.

‘PWO!’ exclaimed the Rev. McPherson. ‘Perfect Working Order!’

‘Fill me up!’ cried the Black Maria. And that is exactly what Frank did.

Meanwhile the old fire engine had managed to squirt enough water onto the Morris Convertible’s roof to dampen the flames down. And now it was limping back to the stream.

Frank was just about to screw the petrol cap back on to the can when the Black Maria shouted, ‘Get back in, Frank!’

‘No! Frank! Don’t!’ shouted Emily. ‘Run and get help now! While you can!’

‘Get back in!’ shouted the Black Maria, as its engine sprang into life. The sound made the other vehicles spin round and they saw Frank standing there holding the red metal can.

‘Death to He Who Steals the Sacred Petrol Can!’ they cried and they all began to move towards Frank.

‘You’re too late!’ cried the Black Maria. ‘It’s empty!’

‘What! You’ve stolen the essence of life?’ cried the abandoned vehicles, and they ground their gears in fury.

‘Get back in!’ cried the Black Maria.

‘No!’ cried Emily. ‘Run!’

‘Get in!’ cried the Black Maria, as the abandoned cars bore down on Frank.

‘OK!’ said Frank, and he hurled the red petrol can over the tops of the vehicles. They turned and froze when they saw the can was empty, with its cap dangling loose on the end of its chain. They didn’t stop for long, but it was long enough for Frank to jump up into the driver’s seat of the Black Maria.

‘Hang on tight!’ shouted the Black Maria, and before a single rusting car could move another wheel, it had shot off, heading for the far side of the Forgotten Forest.

‘Look out!’ cried Emily, as the Black Maria veered towards a clump of trees.

‘Slow down!’ shouted Margaret, as the Black Maria leapt across a brook, and then smashed under some low branches, before it swerved out on to a rough track.

‘Think of your suspension!’ shouted the Rev. McPherson, who had a soft spot for older vehicles.

‘Phooeeeeeew!’ shouted the Black Maria. ‘I’ve petrol in my tank and I’m PWO! Wheeeeee!’

And the next minute it had burst free from the shadows of the Forgotten Forest and was bounding across the moors.

‘Try to be sensible!’ exclaimed Frank, who was struggling to steer.

‘I never thought I’d do this again!’ shouted the Black Maria.

‘Look out!’ shouted Margaret. Another vehicle was bouncing across the heather towards them.

‘It’s the Rev. McPherson’s car!’ cried Emily.

‘That dastardly machine!’ shouted the Rev. McPherson.

‘It’s going to ram us!’ cried Emily.

The Rev. McPherson’s car was so preoccupied with the pursuing police cars that it hadn’t noticed the Black Maria, but now it heard the shouts and screams it swerved at the last moment and sped off through the gorse.

The police cars turned too, but they were rather low-slung and their exhaust pipes kept scraping on the rough ground.

‘Leave it to me!’ cried the Black Maria. ‘I’m used to this terrain! I used to work on Dartmoor!’ And off she went across the moor. The Black Maria started to gain on the Rev. McPherson’s car, until it was alongside it. The Rev. McPherson himself was hanging out of the back door of the Black Maria.

‘Stop! You Maleficent Motor!’ he was yelling. ‘I order you to stop!’

But the car paid not the slightest attention to its owner. It revved its engine and charged off faster than ever.

But the Black Maria was in Perfect Working Order, and its tank was full of Esso Extra, and it kept up with the Rev. McPherson’s car wheel to wheel.

‘Help me! Help me!’ called out Sylvia Grabitall, the banker’s daughter, and she banged on the windows of the Rev. McPherson’s car.

‘Release her at once, you Villainous Vehicle!’ commanded the Rev. McPherson.

‘Get lost, vicar!’ it yelled, and let out a noise through its exhaust pipe that sounded suspiciously like a fart. Then it swerved and plunged down a steep slope towards a lake.

But Frank swung the Black Maria after it and they were running alongside each other down the slope. The Rev. McPherson had by this time climbed onto the roof of the Black Maria.

‘Let her go!’ he yelled.

‘Never!’ cried the car.

‘Help!’ cried Sylvia.

Now I have to tell you that the greatest excitement in the Rev. McPherson’s life had, up to this point, been crossword puzzles. But now his blood was up. He forgot all fear as he leapt across from the roof of the speeding Black Maria on to the roof rack of his speeding car. Well, that made his car furious. It bucked and swerved and tried to shake him off, but the Rev. McPherson hung on for dear life.

‘Get me out!’ cried Sylvia Grabitall, banging on the window.

‘Hold on!’ yelled the Rev. McPherson. And all the time the two vehicles careered down the hill towards the lake.

‘Look out!’ cried Emily.

‘Turn!’ yelled Frank and he swerved the Black Maria into the Rev. McPherson’s car, so the sparks flew as metal hub cap clashed against metal hub cap, and the car juddered as Frank swung the police van again into its side.

‘Ouch!’ cried the Rev. McPherson’s car, and it swung itself back against the Black Maria. But the Black Maria was made of heavy-duty steel.

CRUNCH! That was the sound of the Rev. McPherson’s car’s front mudguard buckling under the impact.

CRASH! That was the sound of Frank swinging the Black Maria back into the side of the car – upon which the car’s

bonnet flew up, so it couldn’t see where it was going!

‘The lake!’ cried Emily. The two vehicles were all this time hurtling closer and closer towards the lake. ‘Turn, Frank! Turn!’

But the front wheel of the Black Maria had got caught under the mudguard of the Rev. McPherson’s car, and Frank couldn’t pull it away.

‘Turn!’ shouted Frank, and he crashed the Black Maria into the side of the car again, but the Rev. McPherson’s car just kept on going down the hill, blindly heading for the lake.

‘Help!’ cried Margaret. ‘We’re going to drown!’

‘Jump!’ shouted the Black Maria and Margaret jumped and landed in the gorse.

‘Ow!’ she yelled.

‘Everybody jump!’ yelled the Black Maria, and Emily jumped, but Sylvia Grabitall couldn’t jump, for she was trapped inside the Rev. McPherson’s car.

‘Jump!’ yelled Frank to the Rev. McPherson, but the Reverend wasn’t listening. Instead he swung his leg over the roof of his car and smashed in the passenger’s window with his foot.

A roar of anger swelled up from deep within the car’s engine, and it reared into the air as it hit a tussock of grass and its wheels span free for a couple of seconds.

Then it hit the ground again and the Rev. McPherson, with no regard for his personal safety put his hand in through the broken window and grabbed Sylvia Grabitall’s arm!

‘Grrr!’ roared the Rev. McPherson’s car.

‘Quick!’ yelled the Rev. McPherson to Sylvia who was now screaming for all she was worth. ‘Climb out!’

‘I’m going to die!’ screamed Sylvia.

‘Just jump!’ yelled the Rev. McPherson, as the lake loomed before them.

‘Arggghhh!’ roared the Rev. McPherson’s car, and it ground its gears in a fit of rage.

‘Take that!’ yelled Frank as he swung the Black Maria against the Rev. McPherson’s car so violently that the mudguard buckled again and the wheel came free.

As the Black Maria swung away, its nearside wheels skimmed the shallow water at the edge of the lake, but the Rev. McPherson’s car went straight on. The Reverend himself had managed to pull Sylvia Grabitall halfway through the broken window. She was still screaming and yelling, but as the car hit the water, she jumped, pulling the Rev. McPherson with her, and the pair of them disappeared with a splash.

The moment the Rev. McPherson’s car felt the water hit its front wheels it remembered how horrible water is for any vehicle, for it had been in the drink once before, so it tried to brake, but the bottom of the lake was pure mud of the slipperiest sort, and as the wheels locked, the car simply skidded straight forward and plunged into the deepest part of the water, before it had time to even hoot with horror.

They all watched as the car struggled briefly and then began to sink.

The Rev. McPherson sat upright, in the shallows of the lake, and stared at his car as it disappeared from sight. His mouth hung open, and his dog collar had come undone, and it was some moments before he realized that Sylvia Grabitall had her arms around him and was sobbing with relief.

By the time the two police cars had arrived, Emily, Margaret and Frank had pulled the Rev. McPherson and Sylvia Grabitall from the lake. They all got back in the Black Maria and returned home safe and sound.

And that was the end of the story of the Kidnap Car – except that . . .

Late that night, when the moors were shrouded in darkness and only the moon was looking, there was rumbling from deep within lake, and the surface began to ripple and something climbed out of the cold, cold water. It stood on the side of the lake for some moments, as the water drained from its chassis, and then its engine sputtered into life and it started to move, slowly at first and then faster and faster until it disappeared into the blackness of the night to nobody knows where.

I’m glad to be able to tell you that Mr Grabitall was so pleased to get his daughter back safe and sound that he paid for every single car in the Forgotten Forest to be restored until each one was PWO. But don’t go thinking that was a charitable act, on Mr Grabitall’s part, for he made a huge profit by selling them all as antique cars – all except for one which he gave to the Rev. McPherson. It was the Morris Convertible.

The Vacuum Cleaner

That Was Too Powerful

There was once a very Powerful Vacuum Cleaner. On the side of its cylinder was inscribed the legend: ‘Possibly the most Powerful Vacuum Cleaner in the World!’

‘That’s the vacuum cleaner for us!’ said John.

‘Right!’ replied Janet. ‘It will pick up all those dog hairs in the sitting room, and all that fluff in the bedroom.’

They bought the vacuum cleaner then and there, and took it home with them to their tidy house in the Welsh hills. There they undid its packaging and took it into the sitting room.

‘Welcome to your new home,’ they said. ‘Do you think you can pick up all those dog hairs?’

‘Easy peasy!’ said the vacuum cleaner. ‘No! You don’t need to push me! I can do stuff like this on my own!’ And it went whizzing round the sitting room, and in no time at all the dog hairs had disappeared. Unfortunately, so too had the dog . . . and most of the pile from the carpet.

‘Oh no!’ cried Janet. ‘That carpet was a wedding present from my mother!’

‘Jason!’ cried John. ‘Where are you?’

‘Woof!’ called Jason the dog from inside the vacuum cleaner. ‘WOOF!
WOOOOOF!’

‘This vacuum cleaner is too powerful!’ said John. ‘It’s dangerous! Hey! Where are you going?’

But the vacuum cleaner was already off and out of the sitting room door and heading up the stairs.

‘You said something about the bedroom carpet and fluff!’ shouted the vacuum cleaner and it shot into the bedroom and slammed the door.

By the time Janet and John got to the top of the stairs they could hear an almighty racket coming from the bedroom. They tried to get in but the powerful vacuum cleaner had locked the door.

When they finally broke the door down and burst into the room, they found the vacuum cleaner was just swallowing the last pillow and, before they could stop it, it swallowed the duvet as well.