We went to the sanctuary house again.
We stayed for a long time. I’d like to give a certain amount of days, or weeks, or months, but the truth was that I lost count. I didn’t know if Damien would want to come with us, but he did. He admitted one night when all three of us had too much to drink that he wasn’t ready to see his family again. He was ashamed of what he did to us, even though he helped make up for it. I was fairly certain that Damien blamed himself for Aumae’s death, but that was ridiculous.
It was my fault.
I should’ve realized how powerful my father was. I should’ve known our first plan wouldn’t be enough. But I hadn’t. I went there that day filled with arrogance that we would defeat Sachiel. Aumae paid the price. I held that belief in my heart for so long, until Kellan realized I blamed myself.
He kissed me in the shower, whispering, “She knew.” A kiss to the corner of my mouth.
I shook my head, but he said again, “She went that day knowing.”
No. I wouldn’t let him make me feel better about this.
He kissed my cheek, sliding his mouth to my throat. “She knew your father. We didn’t.”
“Damien did.”
“Damien’s an idiot.” His hand trailed down my back, curving into my waist. He trailed kisses down my arm. “Aumae loved you.”
I choked out a sob. That was the problem.
“She was here to protect you.”
I couldn’t keep my eyes open. His kisses were becoming intoxicating, and I leaned back against the wall, my hands moving to his hair as he knelt before me. He kissed my stomach, his hands framing my hips, holding me steady in front of him.
He said, “It was her decision.”
It should’ve been mine.
He stood and caught my face in his hands. He leaned over me, lifting my head so I had to look up at him. I still refused, closing my eyes. “Look at me.”
I didn’t.
“Shay.”
I did then, but I couldn’t hide the agony in me. I knew he was feeling it, like he’d been feeling my guilt since Aumae died. It’d been there, always inside of me, but I refused to put it in words. I refused to say anything because once I did, I knew what he would do. He would do this. Making me accept her passing. Making me accept her sacrifice, and thinking that, tears slipped out. They trailed down my face, camouflaged by the water in the shower.
My throat felt like it was rubbed raw on the inside. “She died because of me. She was the one good thing about all of this.”
The corner of his mouth lifted up. “What about me?”
I corrected, reaching out to rest a hand on his chest, “She was the second good thing that happened because of all this.”
“She loved you, but it was her decision. It wasn’t yours. You have to see that. She made the choice. She could’ve told us our plan wouldn’t work. She didn’t. She could’ve told us what she was planning. She didn’t. She chose, Shay. She did. She didn’t give you the choice. Do you get that?” He was whispering those words, his eyes searching mine, and I could feel his love. It was so strong, so powerful. It wanted to slip inside of me, warming all the pain I held, but I couldn’t let it. Not with this.
I shook my head. “Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why did this happen? Why now? Why not later when I was more powerful?”
He shook his head and pulled me into him. His hand cradled the back of my head, and I slid my arms around him. I hung onto him. He said, his words muffled against my hair as his head rested on top of mine, “I don’t know. We may never know.”
“But you have a guess?”
He stiffened, then relaxed as he answered, “Your powers were too strong for you to suppress. You couldn’t deny them any longer. If I were to guess, it’d be because of that. He wanted to get your powers before you were too powerful, and maybe you would’ve been able to fight him off. I don’t know, though. I don’t know if we’ll ever know.”
His answer shouldn’t have appeased me, but somehow it did. And over the next few months, the rest of his words had taken root inside of me. They helped heal the wounds from losing Aumae. Maybe it wasn’t completely Aumae either. Maybe it was the loss of everything. I’d been lying to myself before when I cast that spell. I was only six years old, but I didn’t want to accept who my parents were. They were evil and I couldn’t grow up with knowing them, seeing them, feeling them, but I also couldn’t leave. I would’ve had to leave Kellan, and even back then, I knew I couldn’t have done that. So I cast that spell and wiped out anything that would’ve reminded me about my parents, or the two demons that raised me.
I thought I could live like that. I couldn’t. Going through all of this, it was like I was becoming clean for the first time. All the lies, deceit, mystery, jealousy, everything bad that I had to endure because of what family I lived among—that was all gone.
And I mourned it. I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have missed Vespar, or Guiseppa. I did. I shouldn’t have even missed Matt, Leah, and Dylan. I did.
I should’ve been furious with Damien for betraying us. I wasn’t.
Everything was mixed up in my head, but the constant was Kellan. His love. His presence. Every time I felt that vacuum inside, of where I didn’t understand the world I was in any more, I reached out for him. He was always close by, and if he felt that same dark vortex in me, he’d appear from wherever he’d been. Once I touched him, I felt steadied. He grounded me. We were that tree once again, our roots strengthening with the other next to it.
That went on and on until one day, I didn’t miss Vespar, Giuseppa, Leah, Matt, Dylan, my old life. The anger, confusion, sadness was gone, and instead, I was able to realize why I missed them. That’d been my constant. It was what I knew, and now with the threat of my father gone and no more lies anymore, could look ahead now.
I assumed Damien was going through the same struggles as me, over what he did, until the day he must’ve worked through his own battles. He announced one morning that he was returning to his family. We were welcome to come. We were half-brother and sister, after all. I nodded, with no intention of seeking him out. I’d held on to my anger toward him for a few months, but it faded when Kellan reminded me Aumae wouldn’t want me to hate my last blood relative.
I snorted in laughter that it was Kellan who pointed that out, but I knew he did it for me. He promised to be angry for me, and slowly, I started to look at Damien like a brother. Started to. Those were the operative words. We were a work in progress as well, but I wasn’t ready to leave the sanctuary home when he first made that offer.
“You sure about this?” Kellan asked me now.
I glanced at him from the passenger side in our car. We had just pulled over in front of Damien’s house. Even though we just arrived, I knew Damien was aware we were there. Once Kellan and I fully merged together, Damien and I could block each other, but spending so much time in the sanctuary together, that connection had grown. I opened my end when I decided I wanted to meet the rest of Damien’s family. Damien knew we’d been coming even as we began to pack our stuff for the road trip. I wasn’t surprised when the front door opened a moment later.
Kellan gestured behind me. “He’s coming to the car.”
I turned around. Damien’s smile stretched from ear to ear as he hurried across the yard. He waved with one hand. I saw an elderly woman appear in the doorway behind him. A little girl stood in front, holding a teddy bear.
I was suddenly nervous.
“Don’t be.”
I didn’t look back at Kellan, but I replied, “They might hate me.”
“You’re Damien’s half-sister. They’ll love you.”
“Hey!” Damien was at the door. He motioned for us to get out. “It’s so good to see you guys.” He pulled me in for a hug, and I hugged him back, but I couldn’t stop looking at the people in the doorway. What did they know about me? Had he told them anything?
“It’s so good to see you guys.” Damien stepped back and nodded to Kellan, who’d come around the side of the car. “Kellan.”
Kellan nodded for his greeting.
“Are you guys staying for a while?”
Damien’s gaze fell on me as he asked the question. I knew Kellan wouldn’t answer. It was for me to decide. I shrugged. “Depends on you, I guess.”
“On me?”
“What do they know?” Kellan gestured to me. “What do they know about Shay?”
“They know everything.”
My eyes widened. Kellan didn’t react, but I could sense his surprise as well. I said, “Everything?”
“Well.” Damien laughed a little, one of his hands sliding inside of his pocket. He lifted up a shoulder. “My mom knew about Sachiel, so they’re aware of that more celestial world out there.”
“And demons?”
“They know about them, too.”
Kellan’s eyes narrowed. That wasn’t what he was asking.
I sighed. “Are they going to have a problem with us?”
“Oh!” Understanding dawned now. Damien shook his head. “No. Not at all. They know you’re my half-sister, Shay. They’ve been asking me every day when you’re going to arrive. I told them that you were coming.”
They knew.
Maybe hearing that shouldn’t have rocked my world, but it did. I felt like my stomach opened up and all my guts spilled out.
Kellan started to laugh. “You’ll take on our two demon siblings, cast out two demon parents, square off against my father, and your father, but you’re scared of meeting those humans back there.” He added, “Good humans, too. I can smell the love they have for you already.”
I was terrified.
“Come on.” Damien threw an arm around my shoulder, turning me toward the house. “I only got a few minutes alone with you. They’re going to be coming out here in two minutes, and my grandmother can be loud. She doesn’t hold back anything. I don’t think we should be talking about demons and messengers where my neighbors can hear.” He looked over to the house beside his. “They already suspect too much anyway. My grandma drinks whiskey. A lot. I told you she gets loud, too, right?”
She did.
She liked to drink, cuss, joke, and she liked to love, too. So did Damien’s mother. His father that raised him. His grandfather and his two siblings. They all loved us, Kellan included. We stayed with them until Kellan and I decided to get our own place. Well—Kellan got us a place the next day, but he waited until I brought it up before letting me in on the secret. He didn’t want to pressure me to leave Damien’s family since we just got there, but once we moved out, I couldn’t lie.
It was wonderful.
Damien’s family welcomed Kellan and me into their family. They were more reserved with Kellan, but who could blame them? Dark, mysterious, gorgeous, and powerful. Damien’s grandma was the only one who took to Kellan immediately, making him drink whiskey with her. The two of them formed an instant friendship, along with Kent Ocean. He began to visit on a regular basis and Damien’s grandma thought he was a hoot.
It was an entire year later when I woke up and felt pangs in my chest.
Kellan was already awake. He was propped up on an elbow, looking down at me, and he raised an eyebrow. “Are you ready for today?”
“No.”
He grinned. “You wanted to do this.”
“I was stupid.”
“Be human. That’s what you said.”
I scowled. I knew where he was going with this. He laughed, tugging at my bottom lip until I started laughing with him. I slapped his hand away.
“I was being stupid. I don’t want to go anymore.”
His hand went to my side, and he began tickling me. I rolled over to stop him, wrapping my arms around him, and just like that, the laughter faded. His eyes darkened, and he rolled me back so he was on top, lightly resting there. His eyes fell to my lips as he asked, “Do you really not want to go, or are you just scared of leaving your family again?”
Family. Again.
I shivered at those words.
I answered, “It feels like I just got this family, like we finally fit in with them.”
His hands smoothed over my forehead, tucking some stands of hair back. The touch was so loving and soft, I melted inside. He murmured, “They’ve loved you since the second they found out about you.”
I knew that. I had felt their love so much over the last year, but we were leaving once again.
“It’s not going to go away.”
“What’s not?” I knew what he meant, but I wanted to hear the words.
“We’re going to college, with Damien. We’re not even leaving him. We’re all going to the same school, but that doesn’t mean they’ll stop loving you. They love you almost as much as I do.” His eyes bared into me, looking right to my core. “And you know that love will never go away. Ever. Nothing can shake it. No one can break it. It’ll hold. No matter what.” He lowered his mouth, grazing softly over mine, and he whispered, “It’ll hold, Shay.”
Like his would hold. Like mine would hold. We were strong separately, but when we were together, we were impenetrable. Just like our love for the other. I let his reassurances wash over me. He was right. Everything would be fine, and feeling the unease fade away, I opened my mouth under his.
THE END