EXcapades (21 page)

He shocked me with his next question. Blake looked me square in the eyes. “Are you sure you want to be with me? Maybe you just need a man; any man will do.”

“That’s not true! I have been living by myself and doing just fine, thank you. I don’t
need
a man in my life. You have enhanced my life, but I don’t require a man to feel complete. I want to share adventures with
you
.” I put extra emphasis on the word “you” so he could understand that this discussion was about him and only him.

That hard glint in Blake’s eye softened. Suddenly an understanding look replaced the anger in my eyes. He had been afraid of getting hurt again.
I get it now.

And with this new comprehension of the situation, I wondered if maybe it was time to share my secret. He deserved to know the full truth.
Maybe I could pretend none of this sickness was happening—and just live in denial.

I almost blurted out my secret, but decided it was not the right time to reveal my news.
When is the right time to divulge that you are dying
? I contemplated. I don’t want him staying with me out of guilt or obligation. If only I could tell him. . . .

What would he say if he found out my news? Was he going to dart for the door? And if he did, I would have to accept it, regardless.

Not wanting to lose another opportunity with him, I decided to share my feelings. I announced with conviction, “I’m falling in love with you again, Blake. Don’t feel like you have to say anything in return.”

With a relieved sigh, he reached out and pulled me close, burying his face in my neck. “I don’t want this to end. I was afraid you were leaving me again. I thought I needed to be the one to break away, but the reality is that I want this to work.” I smiled, hearing the joy in his voice again. “You know I have always wanted to be with you,” he said.

Blake sighed as he locked his arms around me. The greatest pleasure was enjoying his strong hands lovingly rubbing on my skin. I knew that I never wanted a lover so bad in my entire life. I never experienced anything so gratifying. The feeling of him inside me had become a drug. And I was addicted.

Chapter 14

Blake smoothed my long hair and pushed it away from my face. He placed his fingers on my temples to rotate my face toward him and gazed into my eyes. He stroked my face, tilted my chin upwards, and brought his mouth down on mine. He kissed me tenderly. At the same time, his arousal pressed against me. While he continued kissing my lips, I could feel him growing larger in excitement. I had become insatiable for him, and from Blake’s eagerness toward me, the feeling was mutual.

Just as I wondered how far he would take his caresses, he released our embrace and began to untie my dress. I felt my passion erupt as the dress slid down my body, pooling at my feet. He unhooked my bra and pulled down my panties. I stood before him naked except for my long hair draped across my bare chest.

“I’m entranced by your beauty,” he said. He stood still and drank me in, my bare body enticing him.

I looked down. “I was afraid it was over.”

“Look at me, Lila.” He stared into my eyes. “I don’t want to lose you again.”

Everything felt perfect. I knew I did not have a flawless figure, but he made me feel irresistible and sexy. For that brief instant, I did not have a care in the world. It was just the two of us. And we could not get enough of each other.

Blake kissed
my shoulders tenderly. “You fill me with desire, my dear,” he said. His lips pressed against my throat. He turned me so that he could kiss the nape of my neck. Standing behind me, Blake reached his arms around and cupped my tender breasts, fondling my hard nipples.

“That feels good,” I whispered in a voice that was breathy and excited.

He brushed his fingertips across my nipples, giving each one a gentle tug. I gasped in surprise, but that quickly turned into a sigh of enjoyment, causing me to moan in time with his caressing touch. His kisses slid from the top of my neck and traveled slowly down my spine. When he reached my shoulder blades, I turned back around to embrace him.

“I’m so turned on by you,” Blake whispered, gazing into my eyes. The enthusiastic expression in his eyes demanded that I stay focused on him.

Looking deep into his eyes, I thought I could see everything he was feeling. At the moment, his pleading eyes begged me to be one with him. He pressed my hand against his zipper.

He leaned in to kiss me softly, and he deepened the kiss, his tongue dancing with mine. I lifted his shirt and tossed it onto the couch. I slid my fingers down his toned chest and across the firm ridges of his stomach. Groaning in delight, he slowly began to kiss between my breasts and down my stomach. Lower and lower, until I, too, moaned in anticipation.

Much to both of our surprise, at that instant, I pulled away, doubled over, clutching my arms around my sides. Pure agony ripped through my midsection like someone stabbing me with a sharp knife. I almost fell forward but instead stumbled to the couch. I curled my body into the fetal position in the corner, hoping for the sharp sensations to pass. About a minute later, I felt normal again.

When I straightened up, trying to regain my composure, I glanced over at Blake. The horrified expression on his face said more than words ever could. His eyes were as round as saucers, and his lips contorted in a frightened grimace. Perhaps he thought I was horrified by his touch. Either way, I had some explaining to do.

Blake sat down beside me and spread a cotton blanket across my body. I felt his hands touch my shoulders, gently pulling me close to him. I did not resist. I tilted my head toward him with my eyes half-closed, enjoying the closeness. I felt his warmth, his arm draped over me protectively while I snuggled against him. I felt like I was exactly where I belonged, in his arms.

He sighed and lowered his head slightly. He gazed into my eyes as if searching for answers. Could he see into me? Could he see through me like glass—like the broken fragments I had become?

His eyes were kind, but questioning. Nonetheless, he sat in silence. He kneaded the strained muscles across my back. As the tight muscles relaxed, the tension I held fell away. When he finally spoke, his voice was filled with regret, and it trembled with emotion as if he were apologizing for being so hard on me earlier. “What’s going on here, Lila?”

I guess I was not transparent after all if he still searched for answers. Eventually, I was going to have to tell him the truth.
Just do it.
I had been planning how to share my news for days. I had rehearsed it in my mind, over and over.

I sat up and wrapped the blanket around me. Really, I had no choice but to plunge right in and begin. “I think you know I have something to tell you.” My voice sounded different, forced and distant.
“I have something very important I need to tell you, but I’m not sure how.”

And with these words, my eyes filled with tears that poured down my cheeks. I could barely see. A sudden feeling of self-consciousness washed over me, and I covered my face with my hands, trying to hide the streaks.

Blake looked concerned. “Are you saying good-bye again with those tears? I thought we reached a good place. What is it?”

“I never want to lose you again, Blake.” I blinked my eyes to fight back more tears. “But I need to share something with you.” I could feel my heart pounding while he stared.

“You can tell me anything.”

My voice dropped in volume to barely above a whisper. “I have stage three pancreatic cancer. It’s inoperable because it has spread to my major blood vessels.” My words echoed in the air.

His head jerked back in disbelief. When he finally did turn to look at me, his face was frozen and his eyes wide. He swallowed hard as if he had a lump stuck in his throat. Although Blake looked alarmed, he also had an expression as if my behavior now made sense to him. Quite possibly he had noticed my more pronounced dark circles and tired eyes. Maybe he saw me wince in pain a few times but had brushed those thoughts aside.

There was a painful silence, but he recovered quickly. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I want to be here for you.”

I looked at him. I could see the care and concern in his eyes. After hesitating, I said, “I’ll be all right.” But my pained face was not fooling him.

In the next instant, he encircled his arms around me and held me. I glanced at him gratefully.

“I’ll do anything for you, if you just let me,” he said.

I replied with a limp smile. “I don’t expect anyone to solve all of my problems. That’s not fair to you.”

He looked at me as if he were losing everything. Quickly, Blake turned his now-pale face away from me and looked toward the window. He seemed to gaze out at the lustrous sky while he collected his thoughts; maybe he did not want me to see his fear.

The cloudless blue sky seemed so vast, like it could go on forever. Why couldn’t life be like that—endless—an infinite journey? Why did mine have to stop when I just turned a corner and started in a new direction? To lose each other just when we found pleasure again seemed so cruel.
I am afraid the cancer will rob us of our second chance to get it right. With my
secret finally exposed, will this shatter my dream of our happily ever after?

After taking a deep breath, he looked at me. There was something less definable in Blake’s expression. Perhaps there was something about my eyes that seemed to trouble him. Defeat? Did I give him a dull stare, as if I had given up on life? And maybe at that moment my desire to fight was fading.

Blake stared at me as if reading my thoughts. He looked determined to revive me. He glanced down and brushed his fingers along his eyes, wiping his welling tears. I heard him try to disguise a sniffle by clearing his throat. Was he trying to be strong for me? He knew I was scared.

I sighed. “You know, this type of cancer usually wins, especially in the late stages. But I still think I have a chance, somehow,” I said.

Blake choked through his words. “This is your fight, but I want to help you.” He cleared his throat until his normal voice returned. “I’m a trained fighter in the military. I’m just the right person to help. We will defeat this enemy invasion.”

“This is not a military drill, my dear.”

He shook his head. “I just want to be here for you, but I’m not sure how,” he said in an unwavering voice. “It will be a tough battle, but we can do this; we will get through this—together.”

“I’m trying to be strong,” I said.

Blake’s voice raised several levels to accentuate his words. “Do not give up! I’ll never stop fighting for you and with you.”

“Thank you.”

His emphatic voice commanded, “We will win. We will put up a unified front. You invited me on this journey, and I’m not about to end it now. We only just started marking off the items on your list. And I have a list of my own to merge with yours—for us to enjoy.”

The tears trickled down my cheeks. I could tell by his furrowed brow and steady gaze that he was not going to change his stance. I had seen that expression before and knew that when he had made up his mind, there was no changing it. He was determined to be with me during this challenge. And I was grateful.

Although I loved his support, I knew it was not that easy. Was I supposed to believe we could wish the sickness away, and it would be gone? And how do you fight the enemy within?

He turned to me and reached out with his big, strong hands and swept me into his arms. I flung my body readily into his welcoming embrace. I clung to him for dear life—or so it felt. His warm lips pressed against my tear-streaked cheek, and he gently stroked my hair as if I were a fragile porcelain doll.

He began patting my back like my mother did when I was a child seeking comfort. “Look at me. We can win this battle,” he said in a forceful tone. And following those words, I clung to him for security as if we were attached by Velcro.
He squeezed me tighter, and for that brief instant, all of my fears dissolved.

After several deep breaths, I pulled back and looked at him, gazing through my swollen eyelids, nodding my head silently, and trying to smile valiantly through my tears. “I’m being realistic about this situation. Just help me forget about the pain for a while.” I sniffed.

But I knew that even with his comforting support, I could not overlook the struggle that lay ahead—it was more than a speed bump; it was a brick wall in front of me. But maybe with a boost, with him to hoist me, I could climb the wall and escape.
That is, indeed, wishful thinking.

The reality was different. Deep down, I felt sad that our exciting journey together was about to come to an end when it had only just started. I wished for more time . . . more time with him. I begged the sickness to leave my body. But the truth was I knew that some wishes couldn’t come true, no matter how much you wanted them to reign free.

A part of me felt exhausted and defeated. But at the same time, I was grateful for Blake, and I couldn’t remember when anyone was as good to me as he had been these past few months. I needed to draw from his strength, even more than I realized. He leaned over and wrapped his warm arms around me again as if creating a force field, empowering me with its shielding energy.

He held me for a couple of minutes until my tears stopped flowing. “Lila, you can be fiercely independent. I like that about you, but this time, allow me to add to your strength. I want to help you. Whatever the future brings, I’ll be there for you, if you let me.”

I wiped my eyes and looked up at him. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to rescue me. I’m not helpless.”

“I know. Even tough people need a friend,” he said.

We had miraculously found each other just before my downward spiral, and his added strength was empowering me.

“Thank you for reminding me how resilient I am. I’m not going to wither, shrivel, or cower from this battle. I haven’t always been the most competitive person, but that is about to change.”

“I saw you win a lot of gymnastics trophies. You are a winner.”

“Well, win or lose, I’ll fight to enjoy the time I have left. I’m not going to curl up in a corner and give up. I want to live life to the fullest and try my best to keep my mind, body, and soul healthy.”

“I’m on your team.”

“Thank you for reminding me that I have a substantial inner strength. Sometimes we all get lost and need a little boost to get on the right path.” My voice was hoarse from sobbing.

He shrugged and sniffled. “I thought I was going to comfort you, and look at my tears welling. Maybe it is the ice from my heart melting and dripping out of me.”

“You’re making me feel better. But, Blake, you deserve more than I have to give you.” 

His loud voice softened. “I was just a rogue player until you came back into my life. Now I’m all in . . . with you. You have become my friend again. And I have always loved you.”

I smiled through my tears. “I’m so lucky to have you in my life twice. I love you.”

I looked deep into his eyes and could see his energy, determination, and love. I was grateful to have Blake by my side and on my team. But I also knew that I had to find the inner strength to deal with this disease and its effects. Whatever the outcome of this looming battle, I would appreciate each moment with friends, every glorious event from nature, and celebrate each new day!

Sadly, even dealing with the life-altering effects of a sickness, the details of life continued. Blake had a busy work schedule to return to for the next few weeks and could not guarantee a date for our next adventure. He returned to Jacksonville and back to work. We made several visits to see each other and enjoyed our time together.