Exchange Rate (17 page)

“Can I ask you a question?” Cammie ducked her head, turning to the sink to wash her hands.

“Of course.” I drank more water, like the stuff could disappear any second.

She turned off the water and glanced at me while drying her hands with a rough white cloth. “When was your last period?”

I waved my hand. “Psh. I haven’t had a period in almost two years. Not since before all this started. I know what you’re going to say, I might be pregnant, but Bodey and I haven’t... um, done it normally – once. I would know, if I was pregnant.” Wouldn’t I? We’d even tried the pull-out method which hadn’t been easy according to Bodey.

“What’s ‘normally’ mean?” She cocked her head, watching me as she wiped the counter and her hands.

“Like, he, um, he pulls out.” I shrugged. No big deal, just talking about sex with a woman I barely spoke with, just worked with day in and day out. No big deal.

Cammie stopped moving, holding the towel in her hands and staring at me. “Let me get this straight. You’re married at a super young age and you’ve only had pull-out sex? That’s it? And you don’t have a period?”

I nodded. When she repeated it back to me, I sounded stupid and naïve. But I wasn’t. How could we get pregnant with an incomplete act? How was that even possible? My sex education came from Mom’s clinical explanation of how things worked to make a baby. She’d never said things would feel good or that I wouldn’t want him to stop. She’d just said, this is how babies are made and that was that.

Sex-Ed in school was non-existent because the religious parties and political parties couldn’t agree on what was acceptable to teach and what wasn’t. So they dropped the classes completely, funding instead a “How I Can Help My Government” class.

I rummaged through my memory for something, anything, which would indicate our method wouldn’t work. But it made sense. I nodded, confident in our actions. “Yes, I don’t know how we could be pregnant with all the precautions in place – or things in our favor.”

“Oh, honey.” She sighed which ended in a half-laugh. “Look, this is how effective your pull-out method is. I’m a pull-out baby and my husband is a pull-out baby. Most Catholic families have one or two extra babies because they don’t believe in birth control. Did you even try to find condoms?”

I tucked my chin to my chest.
Oh, yes.
“Yeah, that was fun, let me tell you.” I didn’t want to get into the things Bodey and I had done with gentle urging from John to prevent pregnancy.

“Any other symptoms? You said you were tired and now nauseated. Anything else?” She pounded the gnocchi with a balled fist.

“Yes, sore breasts, sore joints and muscles, hungry and then not hungry. I get hot and cold like a fever.” I shrugged, dusting the counter with more flour. “See? All the symptoms of the flu, except the chest soreness, which is abnormal, but I think it’s because they’re growing. I finally have access to food, too.” I snapped my fingers. “I was starved for so long, that’s probably why my period stopped. That’s all that’s wrong with me. I used to be iron deficient, and I bet I still am.”

“But you’ve had healthy food for a few months now and your period hasn’t returned.” She arched an eyebrow at me and looked away.

Cammie tore off pieces of the dough and set them aside. After the large ball had been torn down into small bits and she’d cleaned up her area, she faced me, worry lining her cheeks and around her eyes. “I’m going to ask you a very important question. How you answer is life-changing, so take a minute and think carefully about what you say.” She waited for my nod and then she inhaled deeply. “Do you want to keep this baby?”

Did I? I wasn’t even sure what a baby represented. The child would be mine and Bodey’s, another concrete brick in our family foundation. But was the world a place I wanted to bring a baby into? Things couldn’t be more crazy and unstable.

But what was I saying?
If
I was pregnant, there was no way I wouldn’t want the baby. I would never agree to get rid of it. I’d never been religious, but I had respect for life. And if I was pregnant, the baby would be a piece of Bodey and nothing on earth would make me get rid of that.

I swallowed, my skin clammy. Nodding, I met her gaze square on. “Yes. If there’s a baby, I want it.”

She searched the empty commercial kitchen and then motioned me toward her. Once I got within inches of her, she grasped my wrists and whispered close to my face. “You need to listen very carefully. They aren’t kidding when they say there’s only room for two-hundred. That’s it. And your baby will upset the number in your household. If you want to keep this baby, we need to get you some herbs to diminish the symptoms and you need looser clothing. Do whatever you can to hide any evidence of a pregnancy.” Her words tumbled out and I struggled to catch them.

“Why? What harm can a baby do?” I bent toward her, waiting for an answer that would make sense.

“Sh.” She grabbed the handle of a wicker basket and pulled me along with her. “Not here. Let’s gather some plants.” We stopped for a brief moment at the hooks by the door and drew on our oversized jackets and zipped them up.

I followed her – not sure if it was willingly or not. We fell into step beside each other once we got outside. She held the basket in the crook of her elbow and didn’t speak as we headed toward the main gate. The only entrance and exit.

What was she going to do? Make me leave? In the middle of winter?

My breathing hitched as we got closer. The guards moved inward on the towers and watched us, guns slung over their shoulders. I could scream, run away, or wave to them for help. She’d leave me out in the forest, in the snow, and I wouldn’t be able to escape Shane, if he showed up because of tracks in the snow. I’d die of starvation or hypothermia.

They’d never let us out. I had nothing to worry about, because they’d shoot us on sight for trying to leave – during our shifts! That had to be the biggest sin in the compound – along with having sex or whatever Rowan deemed was inappropriate.

The closer we got to the gate, the more closely the guards watched us. I stepped closer to Cammie, using her taller, broader frame to protect me from view of the guards as well as from the wind.

Pulse racing, my gaze darted every direction as I searched for help, someone to save me, someone to pull me back inside, someone to make sure I didn’t get shot for trying to leave.

We slowed by the first tower, men staring down at us. Cammie wiggled her fingers and pointed at her basket. “I need some stuff guys, let us through, please.”

For a second, I could picture all the guns pointed at us, the blood spraying as bullets rained down.

But then, the gates swung open. All three.

My jaw slackened as I moved with her, but I kept my lips shut. I’m not sure how she did it, but Cammie had just walked from the compound without anyone trying to stop her. I glanced behind us.

Nobody followed us or tried to stop us.

The men in the towers turned after we’d passed and closed the gates. They shut with a cold finality.

But we were going back in, right?

The snow crunched beneath our feet. Usually we could see our breath as it froze in mid-air, but my stomach hurt from holding my breath and walking at the same time. I wanted to run. What if we could just leave? What if we were fine?

No one shot at me from the woods. Maybe Shane and his gang weren’t waiting for me. I couldn’t let my guard down though. “Can anyone leave like that? Rowan said people couldn’t leave, but that... that looked like you left – we left, you know?” I jerked my thumb over my shoulder, almost tripping beside her as we walked on a path into the woods outside the snowy gravel perimeter.

She held her finger to her lips for a moment. “Sh. Just wait until we’re in the woods.” She held a steady determined pace, like she hadn’t a care in the world.

But we were out. I could breathe. The air didn’t have an aura of impending doom. Why hadn’t I noticed how trapped I’d felt? Even knowing Shane could be out there or someone else who might want to hurt us, I didn’t feel as claustrophobic as I did inside. I wanted to run and jump and dance.

And also throw up a little bit.

I waited to ask her a barrage of questions, walking alongside her with an extra bounce in my step.

She stopped just outside the line of sight of the guards. “We can’t go any further. If we need help, the guards will need to be able to see us. I can get back in their sight in less than five steps, but any further and we run the risk of being in more danger.” She scanned the ground, kicking at tufts of vegetation protruding from the snow blanket. The closer she got to a large tree trunk or collection of bushes, the thinner the white became, revealing more roots and plants not buried.

I crossed my arms, my sweater thicker than a t-shirt, but not thick enough I’d would last long in the frosty outdoors. “What are you afraid of?”

She barked a laugh, the sound echoing off the walls of trees. “Out here or in there? Both. More than I should be probably. Not as scared as you should be. But the longer you keep your secret, the safer you’ll be. You and your family.”

“What could they do?” I drew my eyebrows together. I was already scared. More information on how to pinpoint the source of my fear would be welcomed.

“Haven’t you noticed no one talks to you guys? Still, after all this time? I don’t even talk that much to you. There’s a tight group from before Rowan started letting more people in, but anyone that comes in now? No one is willing to get attached to them. The people you replaced...” She shook her head, working her throat. Her voice became strangled. “The people you replaced were an amazing family. Two teen boys, a mother, and a father. They were multi-talented. They helped everyone, never had an unkind thing to say.” A tear slipped down her cheek, but she didn’t continue, just stared into the forest past my shoulder.

“What happened to them? How is it my fault?” It must have been an awful accident or something that would traumatize the whole family or destroy them all. I crossed my arms, shivering while I waited for her answer. I needed to know how we were to blame for so long.

“From what my husband reported, you arrived at the gate and Ethan spied you from the watch tower. He wanted you. Rowan has been trying to get him to settle on one girl, instead of using them all. So Rowan let you in and interviewed you. Just like he does everyone who comes to the gate. Some he keeps and some he sends away. It’s the ones who stay that are never truly safe.” She sniffed, and lifted her head. “While you waited in the holding area? We were evicting the family. I can still hear Kathy crying.”

“Evicting them? Why? Where did they go?” I narrowed my eyes and searched the woods around us like the family waited there to kill us and take their spots back. “Do you think they’re still out here?”

“No.” Her whisper bounced off the trees back at us.

I glanced sharply at her face, the sudden pallor alarming. “What happened?”

Shame shadowed her eyes. “Rowan ordered some of the men to take the family to the ditch in the back corner...” Her gaze begged me not to make her go on. Not to continue with the confession.

But I didn’t back down. I had to hear every detail and she had to tell me what happened.

She thrust her lower jaw forward and spoke through her grinding teeth. “They killed that family. A round of bullets. Because we didn’t have room for you and them and Ethan wanted
you
.”

“That’s not possible. Why... why would that even be
possible
?” Horror stole my breath and I struggled to keep my empty stomach from trying to void more.

Cammie’s volume rose in frustration. “Really? Don’t you ever notice the people disappearing and the new faces coming in? We never see anyone in the clinic with a major sickness. If you get too sick and you can’t work, you’re out. Plus, you’re a danger to the community, so they won’t keep you.” She nodded toward my still-flat stomach. “What do you think they’ll do with an infant who isn’t worth anything and a woman who is incapacitated by delivery?” She wiped roughly at the wet skin beneath her eyes and bent to yank roughly at a small tuft of weeds – yanking thinly, elongated bulbs from the ground.

I couldn’t answer. Too many truths fell around me like those bombs during the war. Had I noticed anything out of the ordinary? Or had I been too wrapped up in my own drama with Bodey and Ethan to notice other people? So busy avoiding Ethan and too tired to do anything more social with my day than say hello to the meal delivery person, I had been more grateful than anything not to be pressured into socializing. Was my first priority escape? If I left, where would I go for medical help? I couldn’t deliver my own baby. I couldn’t even do all the medical care without assistance from Cammie.

“How do they decide who to keep and who goes?” I needed logical answers, but I also needed information to pass along to John. Nothing would keep me from sharing my newfound knowledge, even if it was conjecture or rumor. A family was gone because of us, regardless of how.

“Any time someone new comes, Rowan gets rid of someone who isn’t as valuable, if the newcomer has a skillset. If the new people don’t have skills, they aren’t allowed inside. He has a points scale. If the new people have skills, he has a scoring to go along with that, as well as what they choose at the table and how their character is. If he determines you’re in, someone else will... go.” She avoided my gaze, searching the ground for more plants.

I couldn’t speak. What did one say following a revelation of such magnitude? “Why isn’t anyone stopping Rowan? Cammie, this isn’t right.”

“Do you really think he would allow that? You think Rowan doesn’t have informants everywhere?” She leaned closer to me, her voice lowering. “Do you think anyone wants to return to scavenging for food? Being cold? Seeing the dead, the dying, and have no way to help them? Seriously, how do you help starvation when you’re hungry yourself?” She shook her head and jerked from me.

“Why are you warning me now?” I hugged my waist tight, gripping my jacket to warm my fingers.

“If you have a baby... Against my better judgment, I like you. You’re a hard worker and you learn fast. If Ethan still wants you, then you haven’t given into him which means you have integrity. You must be worth liking.” She bent and picked a leafy branch, small but bright green. The cold weather hadn’t killed the plants low to the ground as they maintained a dormant state. Her compliments fell like forced observations around us. Like she liked me but didn’t want to.