Exile to the Stars (The Alarai Chronicles) (78 page)

Imogo
embraced Jeff. As he stepped back, the crowd broke out in a roar of delight.
They surged through the line of guardsmen to swarm around the troop.

Zimma
sobbed with frustration as she tried to fight through to Jeff, only to be
thrown back time and again. Gaereth and Carl tried to force a way through with
no success. Rengeld noticed their plight and led a wedge of soldiers to open a
path. Running toward Jeff, Zimma was startled by the sight of Helwin and Balko
struggling to protect him from the crowd, both with bared teeth.

In
a heartbeat, Helwin knew who the approaching woman was. She took Jeff by the
shoulders and turned him to face Zimma. As she did so, a feeling of loss hit
Helwin that was so deep it was terrifying. She wanted to clutch Jeff to her,
not give him up; not give up what they had shared. Instead she whispered, “And
so good-by, my Jeffrey.” Helwin gave him a shove in the right direction as
Zimma ran up to pull him into her arms.

Helwin
watched Zimma embrace Jeff and wrap an arm around his shoulders to lead him
away behind an escort. Suddenly, Jeff stopped and turned to look at her. Helwin
caught her breath in hope and poured her heart into what was much more than a
shared glance. After a period, Jeff broke his eyes away from Helwin and spoke
at some length with a blond-haired man. Then he was gone into the crowd. Helwin
could not tear her eyes away from where she had last seen him.

Although
hemmed in by jostling town folk, she stood alone in spirit. Helwin felt so
lonely she thought she must die from the pain. It was several moments before
Helwin realized someone was gently shaking her. Turning her head, she saw a man
nearly as tall as she gazing at her with a concerned expression. It was the same
man Jeff had spoken with.

One
glance and Carl winced inside. Helwin’s soul was naked to his eyes and
intuition. He viciously thought, Damn this war. This shit has got to stop for a
while. No one should have to bear such pain. How did either one of them survive?

“Please
excuse my rudeness, Helwin. I am Carl, Jeff’s friend. He expressed great
concern for you and asked that I be of assistance. Lord Gaereth is seeing to
your troopers. You must be at the end of your strength, and it’s no easy thing
being in an unfamiliar city even when you’re rested.”

Helwin
was so tired and full of pain she couldn’t think or speak, and looked like she
was drowning. Carl took her elbow.

“Stabling
has been arranged for the horses and your troopers are being seen to. Let’s
find some food for you.”

An
inn he frequented was nearby. On the way, Carl learned how she fit into the
troop. Food still remained on her platter when Helwin nodded off in the middle
of a bite and toppled backward.

It
was a small table and Carl lunged across the top to grab her. Dropping a few
coins on the table, he got a shoulder under her arm and they staggered out the
door. It suddenly occurred to him that he had no idea where Helwin was supposed
to be quartered. Screw it, he thought, Ethbar has more rooms than he knows what
to do with.

Ethbar
took one look and sent servants flying to prepare a room. Carl was about to
turn Helwin over to the servants when he heard her mumble something. He leaned
an ear close to her mouth.

“I’m
sorry, Helwin, I didn’t hear what you said.”

Her
expression was desperate, and Helwin gripped his hand so hard it hurt. She
whispered, “Nothing; it was nothing.”

Nothing
but your heart breaking, Carl thought. “Let’s check your room out and get you
in bed. I’ll stick around until you’re all set.”

Helwin
never let go his hand as they followed the servants. This is all entirely new
to her, Carl thought. May as well have been married to Jeff after seven months
together, then wham! He’s gone with another woman.

Easing
Helwin into a chair, Carl began unlacing her boots. By the time he was done she
was sleeping so hard Carl took her pulse to make sure she was all right. They
finished undressing Helwin as a team and gave her a sponge bath. Carl muttered
oaths at how thin she was, and the female servant was reduced to tears. Through
it all, Helwin never moved or fluttered an eyelid. Carl tucked her in and
pulled a comfortable chair near the bed.

Long
before they arrived at Jeff’s quarters in Ethbar’s home, Zimma had discarded
all plans for celebration. While helping him wash up she had to fight back
tears of horror and grief at the sight of his protruding ribs, thin arms and
sunken belly. When Jeff was safely in bed she pulled a chair close and held his
hand until he fell asleep. Balko would not be denied and took up his usual
position at the foot of the bed.

Helwin
awoke disoriented. The room was not only unfamiliar but also totally alien.
Relief flooded in when she spied Carl snoozing in a chair and she remembered.
She watched him sleep for a while before noticing fresh clothing laid out for
her. While dressing she wondered if Carl had helped bathe her. It felt so good
to be clean. She paused to examine him again then resumed dressing. Carl awoke
when she thumped a boot on the floor, and yawned widely.

Stretching
mightily and yawning again, he said, “Good morning, Helwin. Would you like to
eat?”

“Yes!”

“I
thought so,” Carl said with a sympathetic chuckle. “Food first then we’ll look
in on your troops.”

“Jeffrey
and Zimma live here?”

“They
do.”

Checking
the hall to make sure it was empty, Helwin pulled Carl from the house.

Seeing
to the needs of the troop they wandered business areas with Carl showing her
the ropes. One day toward the end of the week he noticed the wistful looks
Helwin gave passing women, especially the well dressed ones. He gripped
Helwin’s arm and wheeled into a clothing shop. She balked inside the doorway.

“Carl,
I cannot. I am a simple warrior, not a woman bred of the city.”

“You
are a beautiful, elegant woman,” Carl sternly replied, looking at her from
under his eyebrows, “and you are going to purchase clothing that proclaims it
to the world. Now, I will hear no more objections. Is that quite clear?”

Helwin
saw the steel in Carl’s eyes and lowered hers. “Yes, Carl.”

They
spent the day wandering from store to store shopping for clothes. Carl got her
started with color combinations then had to put the brakes on when she got
carried away. That night they had their own fashion show. Cheeks rosy with
excitement, Helwin jumped from outfit to outfit and she even laughed.

The
morning she did not take his hand, Carl felt like the one who was lost. One day
Helwin informed him that she would be leading the troop to the Alemanni camp.

“Will
you be back soon?”

“In
one week. I have learned there will be a Telling that I must attend.”

“I
will miss you very much.”

Helwin
studied Carl for several moments. “And I, you. I do not know how I would have
survived without your caring.”

During
Helwin’s absence, Carl wandered the streets of Rugen. Hands thrust deep into
pockets, chin nearly resting on his chest, he could not escape the image of
Helwin in his mind. The feeling of her hand in his. While pacing his room late
one evening, Carl admitted to himself that he was falling in love with Helwin.

“Oh,
damn it,” he muttered fiercely. “Oh, goddamit to hell. Why her? She’s in love
with Jeff, not me. I don’t have a chance.”

Helwin
finished her business at the Alemanni camp and returned to Rugen as ordered.
Carl knew she was in town but felt such aching pain that he moved a cot into an
unused room at the hospital so he wouldn’t have to see her.

Having
finished rounds one afternoon, he sat on the cot staring at the floor. Worried
staff paused at the doorway every so often to glance inside. He took no notice.
The evening shift came on duty and the hospital settled into its darkened,
quiet mood.

Carl
heard boots on the floor planking, but only in a distant fashion. He came back
from wherever his mind had wandered, wondering who was gently shaking him. He
looked up into blue eyes and felt his soul naked to their steady gaze. Taking
his hand, Helwin pulled Carl upright. She held his hand with the same firm
grip, looked into his heart and confirmed her own. The pain of loss eased, and
the world seemed brighter.

“Will
you share this evening with me?”

She
didn’t wait for an answer, just handed him his coat. When he hesitated she
threw it around his shoulders and pulled him from the room. They walked through
quiet ice-caked streets and pools of lantern light, neither speaking. Helwin
guided Carl to the inn he had first taken her to. She accepted a hot cup of
coffee from the waitress. Taking a sip, she dropped her eyes to the tabletop.

“While
absent, my heart knew profound confusion. Only while nearing Rugen again did I
begin to understand, for perplexion turned to excitement at the prospect of
being in your company. When I could not find you at Lord Ethbar’s home, I
feared that something vital to my spirit had again been lost. I believe I may
have resigned from hope at that pass were not the Lady Zimma a most perceptive
woman.

“She
accepted me whether I would have her or not and was not long in winning me
over. Through her heart, and gaining a better understanding of my own, I began
to win release from Jeffrey. With her encouragement I came to understand my
full peril and sought you out.” Helwin looked up, tears shimmering in her eyes.
“Much like Jeffrey’s, my spirit has been deeply wounded by this past winter.
Will you company such a one? May I seek your friendship, hoping to establish
the love I anticipate?”

On
the way to the inn Carl had hardly dared hope. Now his heart was singing. He
took Helwin’s hands.

“Whatever
the outcome, whatever the cost, I would not lose your presence. A large part of
what I am is in your keeping whether I would have it so or not. Let us begin
with friendship and accept love or not as the gods ordain. I would company
you.”

Blue
eyes and blond heads dancing courtship, they ate without seeming to notice that
they did. Carl tossed a few coins on the table and they walked out with their
arms around one another.

Jeff
slept the clock around without moving. Zimma had food waiting when he got up,
and was astounded at how much he shoveled down. When the table was empty she
offered to get more.

“Thanks,
love, but I have to check on the troop.”

“Are
you well enough? You are so thin!”

He
gave her a resounding kiss. “I can’t tell you how much better I feel. Just
being with you has made the difference.” While still tired and depressed, he
could at least hold his own against the guilt. Jeff hurried to the barracks
where the Alemanni were quartered.

Most
were sleeping and he found those who were awake gathered at a table eating.
Jeff indicated they were not to rise but Elke stood up at once, as did Wulfern.
Both had been a constant source of strength to the troop. They had shared a
burrow during the blizzard and since that time had been inseparable.

“Is
Helwin here?”

“She
was only moments ago, Captain,” Wulfern said, looking around with a puzzled
frown. “I am sure she intended…” Elke discreetly poked Wulfern in the ribs.

“Perhaps
she left to look in on the horses.”

After
conversing with the troops for a period, Jeff visited the stable. Helwin had
not put in an appearance. Thinking he would catch her later, Jeff returned to
Ethbar’s residence. There was something of vital importance he needed to tell
Zimma. On the way back he reflected that it was also something he was no longer
worried about telling her.

Sitting
close together near the fireplace that evening sharing a glass of wine, Balko
asleep by the bed, Jeff took Zimma’s hand.

“I
learned from Helwin that Magda has quickened. There is little doubt she carries
my child.”

Zimma
squeezed Jeff’s hand and thoughtfully swirled the wine in her glass. “I have
contemplated Magda; what you have told me of your time together. Now my
conclusions are confirmed. I believe it was her full intent to quicken from
your seed. I do not condemn Magda, for I would have done the same in her
position.”

Looking
up from her glass, Zimma searched Jeff’s face with brilliant green eyes. Deep
within, phosphorescent sparks slowly whirled. Once the effect had been
disturbing, now it was very satisfying. Lost in miniature galaxies, he wondered
in passing why he had never seen the effect in Magda or Helwin. Jeff kissed
Zimma on the cheek, then the nose. She smiled and held her lips up for the real
thing.

“This
child is yours, and it is Magda’s. But it is also mine. What you have given her
has also been given to me, and will bear fruit in due season. You have said
that Magda plans to journey south. I pray this is so. If she does not we must
seek her out. She is ours, we are hers. Now we are four.”