Experiment in Terror 04 Lying Season (25 page)

I felt the same way about her but I didn’t voice it. It wasn’t that I knew her, I knew I didn’t, but there was something strangely comforting underneath the slightly awkward situation. It was hard to explain and if I did try to explain it to myself, the best I would come up with was again how much like Dex she was. Only she was honest.

I took a gulp of my drink for courage, enjoying the salty brine as it slipped down my throat while fiddling with the stack of olives in the glass.

“
I like working on the show,” I admitted. “I mean, I love it. Sometimes. I love feeling like I’m doing something that I’m good at…even though it’s not really a skill anyone would acknowledge. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. But I’m grateful that I have this. It’s so much better than working reception, what I was doing before. I’m happier now.”

She was watching me, chin resting on her hands. “And you and Dex?”

“
What about us?” I asked, trying not to sound suspicious. I started stabbing the olives with the stick, spearing them and re-spearing them.

“
What’s the deal with you?”

“
There is no deal. We’re just partners.”

“
Are you sure? Because we all have bets on whether you guys are banging each other or not.”

My jaw dropped and my stick missed the last olive, causing it to ricochet out of the glass and onto the table.

She quickly reached over and plopped the renegade olive into her mouth. She smiled at me between chews, breezy and innocent.

“
We aren’t…banging,” I protested.

“
I know darling, I’m just teasing,” she said and raised her glass at me.

My eyes shot to the heavens again. “You are just like him.”

“
Oh we’ve heard that before. You know he asked me out before he asked Jenn out.”

“
Oh?” I said. I didn’t want to sound too interested but it was really hard.

“
Well, I shouldn’t say ‘ask out’, that sounds terribly stodgy. He did ask me out but he and Jenn were just a sweaty, shagging mess before anything serious came-”

“
That’s OK, I got it,” I said, raising my hand briefly.

A smile twitched on her lips and she cocked her head to the side. She was silent for a few moments, watching me, nothing but sympathy on her face. It wasn’t pity, which I appreciated.

She put one of her olives in her mouth and used the end of the stick to twirl the thick liquid in the glass. “Three…maybe four years ago, when we first started the show…Dex asked me out. He was strangely arrogant and shy at the same time. He’d been flirting with me and I suppose I had given him the impression I was flirting with him. I wasn’t. I mean, I was, yes, but not to mean anything. We all do that. Dex does. All the time.”

My heart creaked a bit at the thought that perhaps that’s all it was with me. It must have shown on my face, I knew my brow was tight, because Rebecca leaned in closer to get my attention.

“
I know you know this, but just listen,” she said in a confiding tone. “He asked me out. I turned him down. He wasn’t my type.”

“
Really?” I said, surprised. She seemed like a female version of him, to a tee.

“
I’m not into men, Perry,” she said matter-of-factly.

“
Oh,” I replied stupidly. A louder one followed when I realized what she was saying. She was a lesbian. My God, I hadn’t picked up on that at all.

“
It’s because I don’t fit the stereotype,” she continued. “And I’m fine with it but so many people expect you to be a Butch. That’s so not the way it is. But then again, I get flack for being the way I am, even within the gay community, so whatever, fuck them.”

I nodded, intrigued, and more at ease. Sounds dumb, but it helped to know she wasn’t interested in Dex. Jenn I could handle in a way, but Rebecca and Dex would be too much.

“
Then he went after Jenn. I think because I was his first choice, Jenn had it in for me ever since.”

“
Had it in for you?” I repeated.

“
Jenn’s a cunt,” she said.

I choked on the martini and half of it threatened to come up my nose. The waitress chose that time to come by with our salads and stared at me curiously. I waved at her to let her know I was OK, while Rebecca ordered us more drinks.

When I recovered, I wiped my mouth and turned to her. “I’m sorry. Jenn’s a…you don’t like Jenn?”

She looked at me as if I was crazy. “I fucking hate her. Everyone hates her. She’s not as innocent and docile as you might think.”

Actually I never thought Jenn was any of those things. I t was just so surprising to hear. The
Wine Babes
didn’t get along.

“
I’m just…wow,” I said, putting the napkin back down.

“
Oh, I know. Anyway. This is why we all have bets on you guys.”

“
Bets? On Dex and me? What happened to wanting to set me up with this Bradley fellow?”

“
Oh, I lied. Bradley is an asshole. I had a theory.”

We all seemed to have theories these days. Theories based on lies. “What theory?”

She stuck the final olive in her mouth and held it between her teeth for a few moments before biting it in half. “Just a theory. Anyway, Dean and Seb and I have a bet as to whether you guys have shagged yet. But I can tell now that you haven’t.”

“
Is that why you invited me out for lunch?”

“
Oh, Perry. Why are you so paranoid? Of course not.”

I shrugged and downed the rest of my drink, more than ready for another one.

“
Look, we are all on your side here.”

“
What makes you think I want Dex…in that way,” I said, looking her straight in the eyes.

Her forehead rose, the top of her hat lifting a bit from the movement. “Oh…well, it’s obvious, dear.”

I sighed again, long and hard and wished the waitress would hurry back. “How obvious?”

“
It’s obvious to me. And that’s because I’m intuitive and can…see a lot. It’s obvious if you know what you are looking for. It’s in the glances you give each other, and the glances you don’t give each other. It’s in how you speak to each other and what you don’t say.”

“
Oh, great, so I’m screwed no matter what I do.”

“
You’re not screwed, Perry. You’re just in love with him.”

“
There’s a difference?”

I sat back in my chair and nodded politely to the waitress when she brought my next drink. I ignored the salad and went straight to drinking it. Noon or not, these were going down fast and I didn’t care anymore.

Rebecca watched me carefully. She opened her mouth to say something but then thought against it and started to eat her salad. I felt tears rushing forward. Another reason why I shouldn’t drink so early in the day, and on an empty stomach.

But I controlled them and sucked in my pride. I started to pick at my salad and owned up to the fact that there was no real shame in being in love with someone who wasn’t in love with you.

“
Do you think I should tell him?” I asked.

She paused, fork halfway to her mouth, and then lowered it. “Tell him you’re in love with him?”

“
Do you think he knows?”

She thought about it and then said, “No. I don’t think he does.”

“
Do you think he might love me?”

The words hung above our table like a heavy net waiting to drop. I couldn’t believe I just said them. It was just all coming out now. I wondered if I got a contact high from being in the car earlier.

“
Perry. I honestly don’t know. I’ve known Dex for a long time now and I still can’t claim to know him. If anyone would know that question, it would probably be you. You know him better than Jenn, I can tell you that much.”

I shoved lettuce in my mouth and chewed, not tasting the dressing or the ahi tuna.

She continued, “He wants to shag you, I can tell you that much.”

I raised my head and looked at her sharply.

She smiled. “Well, that part is obvious. If you could see the way his face lights up when he talks about you, when he looks at you, and compare that to Jenn. Oh, darling, no comparison. But Dex’s heart? I don’t know about that. And I would never lead you on.”

“
But…he has a heart...”

“
Yes,” she said. She reached over and brushed a piece of hair behind my ear, much like he would have. It felt nice. “Dex has a heart. I just don’t think he knows how to use it.”

She looked sad at that and it was a sadness I understood. A feeling of wastefulness and hopelessness. He had it in him, but whether it would ever be used was another thing.

“
You know, he never talks about his past,” she said, eyeing me watchfully.

I nodded, knowing this all too well.

“
I know he went to high school in Washington. Went to college in New York. I don’t know anything else. Nothing about his family. About what he used to do. We don’t know anything about him and we’re used to it. But…you know things, don’t you?”

“
I know some things. Just the tip of the iceberg. I might be an old woman before I get to the bottom,”

“
Jenn’s in the same boat. And for some reason, I think you have the upper hand. And that makes me very, very happy.”

I shook my head at her, still disbelieving it all. “So you really don’t get along with Jenn…”

“
Or Bradley. They are a perfect pair of superficial fucks. If you ask me. The pitiful thing is, I don’t even know if Jenn can tell I can’t stand her bony arse. She’s not very smart.”

“
Why the hell is Dex with her?” I blurted out.

“
Have you been in a long-term relationship?”

I had, I just wasn’t sure if it counted. “Sort of. For a year. Then he cheated on me.”

“
Uh-huh. Well that happens. We all know. I was with a guy for two years back in England.”

“
A guy?”

“
Yes. That’s how in denial I was. But not just about my sexuality. I was in denial about…life. Changes. It was so much easier to ignore the truth and pretend. I cared about my boyfriend, even respected him, but I wasn’t in love with him. I was in love with my best friend, Alyson. But I never got to be with her, or tell her how I felt, because it was easier to go on and pretend everything was fine. Change is scary and it can be scarier to some people more than others. Dex needs stability, that much I can see. You wonder why overweight people say they want to lose weight but they keep going on getting fat on lollies and burgers. It’s the same thing.”

“
Do you think he loves Jenn?” I asked.

“
I think…I think he loves her as much as he can. As much as he lets himself and as much as he wants to. But I think if you compared that to, say, the way I feel about my partner Emily, it would amount to nothing. Not that we have some Romeo and Juliet love. But it’s close. The free, can’t live without each other, passion consumes you kind of love. Sure, Dex and Jenn have been together for three years or something now and Emily and I are still more or less new, but I never saw what we have in them. And really, how could that ever be? Look at Dex. And look at Jenn. They might look good but there isn’t an ounce of respect between them. And if you don’t have respect, what do you have?”

My shoulders deflated and I stared down at my plate. I felt dumb and hopeless. What Rebecca said made perfect sense and it’s that reality that hurt. I could see Dex staying with Jenn forever out of fear. They survived a pregnancy scare, they got Fat Rabbit, they moved to another apartment together. All these things could have been a catalyst for Dex to break it off. Or for Jenn, when you think about it. But they hadn’t. They were still together and would probably be for as long as I was in the picture.