Experiment in Terror 05.5 Old Blood (8 page)

The wedding was a very small, civil ceremony in a courthouse. Anne was my maid of honor, Lisbeth was there too and so was Peter. Karl had his older sister Lulu and a few of his employees and army buddies. I wore a simple white gown that matched the ease of the event and for our honeymoon we sunned ourselves for a week on the beaches of Spain.

We frantically tried for a baby. I felt that because my career was a now distant dream and I had security and a reliable sense of love, that having children would be the most logical step. I felt ready for them, more than I ever had before.

But though Karl and I were intimate as much as possible, nothing ever “stuck.” I was left feeling useless and ashamed. I worried that the abortion I had all those years ago had done some permanent damage to my body and I blamed myself day in and day out as my monthly redness kept coming like clockwork.

Being the good man that Karl was, he never blamed me. He was over ten years older than I and often made remarks that perhaps he was too old to become a father. I told him it was nonsense – he was older but he was a still a man and in fine shape and health. I knew it was because of me, because of the horrible choices I had made when I was younger.

We kept trying though, year after year. The goal eventually became less important as we got older and we focused on other things in our life – for me it was watching films and sewing skirts in the latest fashions, for him it was sailing his new sailboat around the archipelago. But the urge to have a child kept building and building inside me, like tiny flames that would never fully go out.

Eventually though, I had to give up on that like I had given up on so many things in my life. Oh, I know I sound selfish complaining about a life that most women would have been happy to have. I had a husband who loved me, whom I loved too, I didn’t have to work ever again and spent most of my days toiling around our house in the countryside or on the sailboat. But I was lonely and loneliness can do so much damage to even the hardiest individuals. Anne had married a film director and had moved to Hamburg, Germany and I had lost touch with my other friends. Only Karl’s sister Lulu would come by but even though she was pleasant company, she was too plain for my liking. There was still that part of me that craved the drama and excitement that life used to have.

To tell you the truth, there were some days where I would pray to see Jakob again. My meetings with him had happened so long ago but there was excitement and adventure in the ghostly boy and it saddened me to think that might all be over too.

As it was, in 1959, when I was 34 years old, my past finally came back to haunt me. Only it wasn’t Jakob. Not at first.

CHAPTER SEVEN

I was strolling through the open air market down by the docks, perusing the stands for the freshest shrimp for that night’s dinner when I heard someone call my name. It was a male voice, deep and rich but ripe with uncertainty.

There was no guessing whose voice that was. I could tell from the way the hairs on my arms stood up, from the hot, pooling feeling in my stomach, from the way my heart skipped a beat and staggered on.

Despite feeling frozen to the ground, I turned on the spot and saw Ludie through the maze of shoppers.

He was pushing forty now and looked even more handsome than he did when he was younger. His hair had thinned out a little bit and had lost a bit of the sheen but it was still colored like gold and honey and his eyes were that sharp, calculating blue.

I didn’t know what to do or what to say. All those feelings of betrayal and heartache came rolling back just as if it were yesterday. A part of me wanted to hug him in the joy of seeing an old friend. Another part wished I could have taken the nearest fish and battered him over the head with it then kicked him over the side of the docks until he hit the water below and drowned.

Ludie didn’t seem to be too concerned with how I was going to react. As soon as he saw my face, he raised his hand in a slight wave and his lips parted to show those show business teeth of his.

I wish I could tell you that I told Ludie to go straight to hell and that he wouldn’t deserve anything more than that, but I didn’t. I was a fool, again. A weak, sad woman.

I returned the shy wave and within minutes we were walking together out of the market and to a nearby park, the sun sparkling off of his hair and the buildings and his smile and the light in my heart.

“
Listen, Pippa,” he said taking hold of my hand in his, adjusting himself on the park bench to face me. “I was a terrible fool.”

I gave him a slight smile, not disagreeing with him at all. “You were. But so was I.”

“
No, my darling,” he said, reaching up for my cheek. “You were magnificent. You were the love of my life and I threw you away. I was young, stupid and out of my mind. I didn’t know how to handle my feelings or my fame or anything of that nature. I spent the last few years regretting what I did to you, wondering if I’d ever get the chance to redeem myself in your eyes.”

“
It has been almost fifteen years,” I told him, trying to take my hand back. “A lot has changed since then. You can’t blame yourself for your past.”

“
But I can and I do,” he said. His eyes explored my own and I was shocked how little they had changed. It made me wonder that if the eyes were windows to the soul and his reflected the soul of the selfish boy I once knew, was that person still inside of him?

“
I’m married now.” I flashed him my ring.

“
Are you happily married?”

I sucked in my breath through my teeth. He was so bold with his questioning, asking me things I didn’t want to think about.

“
I think so,” I answered and looked down at my thighs.

“
Are you happy in life?”

I bit my lip and slowly shook my head, no. I wasn’t happy in my life.

“
I’m not either,” he said. “I never have been since I hurt you. Since I lost you. I want to feel that happiness again and I need you.”

He continued on like this for a while, saying his promises and declarations of love and other lovely things. If I were a stronger woman, a good and righteous woman, I would have told him to forget it. I would have left him in that park and I would have gone right home to my loving husband and I would have continued living the life I carved out for myself.

Alas, I did not do that and I am sure you knew that was coming.

I didn’t go home to Karl. I went with Ludie to the hotel room where he was staying (as he had been performing in England until a few days ago) and we made passionate love until I absolutely had to go home.

It wasn’t a so-called “one night fling” either. This lasted for the next year. I was out of the house every other day, pretending I was going to fabric stores or meeting new friends or just exploring and all the while I would meet Ludie at the hotel, and eventually, as he found theatre work again in the city, his house. I was a woman living two lives and though I was happier in Ludie’s arms, I still felt miserable in both. I was the opposite of an honest woman. I had no idea if my parents were alive anymore but if they weren’t, they’d be rolling in their graves.

It was amazing what fifteen years of growth and life would do to a person, however. Though he was still self-centered and short-tempered, I detected a sense of peace in him that I hadn’t seen before.

“
You’re amazing, you know that,” he told me one night as we lay sprawled across the sheets of his bed.

I blushed as he still had the ability to bring color and heat to my face and smacked him lightly with my hand. “Oh, stop that.”

“
I’m serious,” he went on, reaching for my hair and brushing it out of my face. “You are. I’ve never met anyone like you in my entire life.”

I wasn’t sure what he was talking about since I was as ordinary as everyone else.

“
You have this…way about you. I can feel you from across the way, like you give off this energy. It’s…a sadness.”

I looked at him sharply. Sadness?

“
It’s a like you have so much life and potential somewhere deep inside, some greater purpose that is dying to come out. But you don’t know what it is or how to reach it. So it festers in this blue pool. I think of blue when I think of you Pippa. Blue, cooling, calming, like the sea, like your eyes. It soothes me to be with you.”

“
What do you think I’m meant to do?” I asked quietly. It felt foolish to even humor his ramblings. What could I, at 35-years old, offer the world anymore? What was my purpose if it wasn’t to be a great actress, if it wasn’t to have children?

“
I think you’re meant to save people,” he said. His eyes flashed with something like pity. “Let’s start with me.”

That night I cried for the first time during our love making. It was like the damn burst in my soul and I wept for the love I felt and the life I never had.

A week later I was leaving the public library with a stack of books about makeup and fashion design, feeling strangely inspired for the first time in years. Ludie had gone to Gotland to see his sister and I spent the last few days keeping busy, waiting for his return. It was winter and dark out at three in the afternoon, so I was acceptably cautious as I left the library and made my way to the nearest tram station.

This is why when I sensed someone walking behind me, I didn’t turn to look. I kept my eyes forward, my head high. There were a few people on the street but they were hunched to the cold and it was dark as anything. I was paranoid but in this situation I thought it would suit me well.

Wherever I walked though, the presence followed me, until finally I had to spin around and glare at whomever had appointed themselves my stalker.

I saw a shimmer of wavering air and then before my eyes, it became Jakob.

My books went crashing to my feet, sending the snow everywhere.

Jakob was a few paces away and staring at me hard. He looked exactly as he did all those years ago, still a teenage boy, but the expression on his face had changed. His eyes were cold, his smile, what was left of it, was tight.

“
Jakob,” I said. I looked around to see if anyone was about, anyone who would catch me talking to myself.

“
Follow me, Miss Lindstrom,” he commanded with a soft voice. He walked past me and headed in the direction of a nearby alley. I picked up the books and followed him, feeling as if I had no choice. I was scared but enthralled and let myself go with the strange pull he had over me.

We entered the alley. It smelled of urine and snow and cold pipes. It was dirty and narrow and a dead end and the flakes that fell from the sky disappeared quickly into the darkness. Only a rusted fire escape filled the area, hanging a few feet off the ground.

This would be the perfect place to lose your life
, I thought to myself and eyed Jakob carefully. I never thought the boy could or would hurt me but the grim expression on his face didn’t do anything to dissuade my fears.

He didn’t say anything any first, he just stopped in the middle of the alleyway and let his eyes roam all over the bricks, his head cocked slightly as if he was listening. I knew better than to interrupt him, so I kept my mouth shut and licked my dry lips anxiously.

Finally he looked at me and that hard gleam returned to his eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t come by sooner.”

I was caught off guard by that understated remark. “I…”

“
I don’t have too much time to explain Pippa,” he said. He took my hands in his and I was amazed at the strength and warmth of his touch. He looked past my shoulder and nodded. I turned my head and saw the end of the alley ripple and pulse, the door to the Thin Veil, the Otherside.

“
I have to go back there soon, and it’s not safe to take you there right now. Not in your state.”

“
My state?” I asked, my heart slowing down by a few beats.

His hands squeezed mine and he kept his eyes on me, serious and grave.

“
Pippa, you’re pregnant,” he said. His words sounded colder than ice and as impossible as it was, I knew it was true.

I could barely form words so my lips moved soundlessly. I was pregnant. Most likely by Ludie, my one true love. I was finally going to have a child. His child. The notion should have filled my heart with joy, but though it was beating faster, wanting to drum in the possibility, the look on Jakob’s face made me pause, made me stifle the expanding feelings.

“
What’s wrong?” I asked him. “Shouldn’t you be happy for me?”

He smiled and his eyes crinkled at the corners, but they weren’t happy at all. Once again he looked years older than fourteen and I had a feeling I was about to receive some very bad news.

“
You are a special woman,” Jakob said and I was instantly reminded of what Ludie told me in bed. “And being special makes you at great risk for others who want to use you.”