Experiment in Terror 06 Into the Hollow (6 page)

It didn’t feel right to leave this way. I wanted nothing more than to go back inside and plead with my mother and try to get her to understand. I wasn’t doing any of this to hurt her, I was doing this so that she wouldn’t hurt me. But what did it matter in the end. In the end I would be seen as the villain and nothing else. They were so damn ignorant they’d never ever see the truth, even if it was crying in front of their face.

But then there was my dad, who I knew had a smidge more respect for me than mom had. I knew he’d be absolutely livid and confused as to why his daughter would leave in such a harried, disrespectful manner.

And Ada…she was on the inside but the way things were going, we’d be safe and gone before she returned from school. Sometimes it was hard to believe she was in high school and lately I’d been relying on her more and more. Maybe as sisters we had a backward relationship, but it was one that worked and one that I would miss dearly. I owed it to Ada to stick around. But if there was anyone who would understand, it would be her.

Even though she’d be pissed.

Dex was back in an instant, hauling the luggage behind him with one hand and carrying three heavy boxes with the other.

I raised a brow. “So, have you traded in cigarettes for steroids, or what?”

He threw the suitcase in the back, not caring at all if I had valuables in there and plunked the boxes down. “Oh you know, chicks dig men with muscles.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Another Dex Foray mystery?”

He wiped his hands and gave me a charming smile. “Will you ever run out?”

“I guess not,” I replied absently. I looked at the house like I’d never see it again. It might as well be true. Maximus came to the doorway with his arm around my mother who was sobbing into her sleeve. I’d always imagined the day I’d leave home, but I’ve got to say it never looked like this.

I cleared my throat and stood up tall as Dex slammed the back shut.

“I’ll call you when I get to Seattle,” I told them. My mom wasn’t looking at me, so I unfortunately had to say it to Maximus.

He nodded solemnly and gave my mother a squeeze, like he was playing the part in a play. It left a film of bad taste in my mouth but I could only ignore it and turn around. I took the slow steps toward the front door, conflicted by the need to get the hell out of there while I could and the need to stay behind and tell my mother that everything was going to be OK.

If it wasn’t for the energy I felt from Dex on the other side of the car, the reality, the reason for leaving, I wouldn’t have been able to do it. But I pushed through and went by on that instinctive need to protect myself.

I got in the car, shut the door, and we roared off down that fog-shrouded road I grew up on.

CHAPTER FOUR

The drive to Seattle was as pensive as the grey, low clouds that flew past the windows as we made our way up the I-5. In a few areas there were patches of snow that piqued my interest, but most of the time I just sat as close to the door as possible, as if it was my only escape route.

I watched the scenery with forced attention, a distraction from reality, until reality bit me in the form of Ada. Her texts came through in a frantic succession and though I knew she understood deep down, I could imagine how hurt she was that I left without saying goodbye. Then the phone calls from my parents came and I quickly turned off my phone before they had a chance to really get to me. I needed to know I was making the right choice and in that car, packed to the brim with my belongings, with my life, I still didn’t know.

We were just outside of Olympia when Dex asked, “Can we talk about it?”

I had this cold feeling, like someone deposited a chunk of ice in my gut. I didn’t want to clarify what he meant, but my mouth was faster than my heart.

“Talk about what?”

A heady silence filled the car, heavy like a sandbag. I picked at my nails and waited. I knew this wasn’t going to be some random question. Wasn’t there a theory about the size of a pause after someone asks you a question or a favor? The greater the pause, the greater the favor. Maybe that was all Jerry Seinfeld.

He sighed softly and steadied his grip on the wheel.

“I don’t even know where to start.”

“Well if there’s more than one thing, I’d rather we didn’t talk about it,” I mumbled, watching the pavement roll past. Lord knows I had a million things I wanted to ask him: How come you look better after everything I’d gone through? Why did I have to suffer after you left me, and you’re looking and acting like a modern day Adonis? When am I going to stop being mad at you?

He tugged the front of his cap down, so that his eyes were covered in shadow.

The pause amplified. If anticipation was a breathing, living thing, it would have popped out the windows and made a run for it.

He kept his gaze locked on the cars in front of us and said in a low voice, “Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?”

I had a feeling that was the question. Ever since my mom brought it up earlier, pointed like a spear, I knew Dex had been stuck on it.

But I still wasn’t ready for it.

I took in a deep breath. “I didn’t know until it was too late.”

“Perry…”

“It’s true,” I said angrily.

He bit his lip, keeping his eyes hidden. “Would you have told me anyway?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“That’s not fair-“

“That’s not fair?!” I exploded. He winced and tightened his grip on the wheel. “Don’t you dare tell me what’s not fair! Do you think I wanted to be fucking pregnant! If I had found out earlier, I would have gotten rid of it. I would have gotten rid of anything that had something to do with you!”

Dex lifted his head up, like I had just slapped him in the face. His eyes prickled with clarity. He was stunned.

I felt bad but it didn’t stop me from continuing, my feelings rumbling out like an overdue avalanche. “You ended things. You fucked up and you ruined me and I owe you nothing! You have no right to know what was going on in my life. You have no business in it. You have nothing!”

“I had a right,” he protested, words gravely and barely above a whisper.

“You had no -“

“That was my baby too!” he yelled, his body shaking with the force. He yelled it with such acute pain and intensity that I jumped in my seat. I shut my mouth, feeling stupid and embarrassed and very small.

A few moments passed as his words sank into the atmosphere, making the air even heavier than before. I squirmed, wondering if I had made a huge mistake by going with him. Apparently I wasn’t the only one who was mad about things, but I still felt I was the only one who had a reason.

I could feel his head turn toward me, watching me.

“You’re not the only one with a reason to be mad, Perry,” he said, struggling to keep his voice calm.

I shivered and eyed him incredulously. “What?”

“Nevermind,” he said with a shake of his head. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”

It did matter and it would matter for a long time. But that wasn’t the issue now.

“Did you just hear me thinking that?” I asked. I watched him carefully, searching for a lie.

He frowned. “What does that mean?”

“I was just thinking that. Did you read my thoughts?”

“I knew what you were thinking, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

He looked a little confused but didn’t add anything else to it. He relaxed a bit in his shoulders and I decided not to press it. Things were already weird and strained without going down this road. If he couldn’t read my thoughts, then I didn’t want to bring it to his attention.

I wanted to keep everything to myself.

~~~

Seattle welcomed me with lashings of bone-chilling rain and heavy grey arms. It did little to comfort me and the moment I saw his Parisian-style apartment building just beside the monorail, I felt even colder.

In a surreal state, we parked the car in the underground garage and I pretended the last time I was there, I wasn’t picking up my shattered heart and jumping on my bike for a snowy escape. We went up the elevator with my suitcase and the first of the boxes, and when we got to his front door, I pretended I hadn’t slammed it in his face, telling him I quit the show. And when we walked into the apartment, I looked away from the kitchen island, pretending that it wasn’t there where we had made love.

We hadn’t made love, anyway. We had made hate.

And now I had to live in it.

“Well,” Dex said, clearing his throat. “Let’s show you to your new room.”

I followed him toward the den where I had slept in last. It was a mess, with the bed missing all its linen and shoved into the corner. His desk was piled with papers and heavy books. I wondered if he still kept his pills in that hollowed out novel.

He rubbed anxiously at his forehead. “Obviously I wasn’t planning for you to come here. Sorry, I’ll clean it up. Things have been a mess since Jenn left. She was the neat one.”

And a bitch
, I couldn’t help but think. Not that it was fair to think that way anymore. She had been cheating on Dex, but Dex cheated on her with me and that wasn’t cool either. I wasn’t innocent in all of this and it tugged at my conscience from time to time. She was still a bitch, though, and Dex was better off without her. That was a fact.

“Don’t worry about it,” I told him, putting the boxes down on the chair. “And don’t worry about getting the rest of the stuff. I think I need to be alone for a while.”

He looked surprised. “Are you sure? It’ll just take a second. I’ve got spare linen in the closet, I think. Or I’m sure I can borrow some from Rebecca when I go to pick up Fat Rabbit.”

“It’s fine.” I turned away from him and choked back the tears that were just sneaking up on me. It was too much. Being here. Leaving home. Having no future to count on. Even though I wasn’t alone, I felt more alone than ever.

“Perry,” he whispered behind me. I felt him come closer to me, his energy radiating at my back. My skin prickled and I fought the urge to turn around and bury my head in his chest and cry until there was nothing left. I knew he would hold me for as long as I needed. I knew his touch would put my fears away.

But that fact was scary in itself.

I shook my head and looked up at the lights, blinking hard.

He placed his hand on my shoulder and my nerves instantly calmed, like they were coated with wine. I closed my eyes and a warm tear ran slowly down my cheek.

“Perry,” he said again, softer. His fingers tightened. “Baby, please.”

That word was like a nail into my chest. My reaction was instinctive.

I whirled around at him, my eyes aflame and throwing as much venom as possible.

“You don’t get to call me that anymore,” I spat at him. “I am not that to you. I never was.”

He took a step back, a wash of fright in his eyes. Maybe it was hurt. I didn’t know. I didn’t care.

“I’m sorry,” he said, sucking back his breath. And for what, it didn’t matter.

“Get out,” I said, trying to steady my voice. “Please. Go.”

He hesitated, then nodded and went for the door.

“I’ll go and get Fat Rabbit in a bit,” he told me, pausing in the doorway. I could feel the tension in his body, his muscles unsure whether to move or not. I felt just as torn. As much as I wanted to be alone, I still wanted him to be there too. I just wanted things to go back to the way it was. When he could touch me and it didn’t feel wrong. When I could like the things he said or the way he looked without hating myself for it.

I don’t know if my face betrayed any of that. But his head dropped slightly and his eyes softened with sincerity. “If you need me, you’ll know where I am. The room next door.”

And with that he left, closing the door behind him.

I stood there for at least a few minutes, an empty feeling spreading inside of me. Then I collapsed into the bed with silent tears that led to sleep.

~~~

When I woke up, my eyes were sticking together with dried and clumpy mascara and there was a snuffling sound outside the door. A light spilled in from underneath it, a shadow moving back and forth.

I frowned, momentarily forgetting where I was, and pressed at my forehead, trying to rub out the exhaustion and sleepiness that resided there. I was utterly exhausted from crying myself to sleep, from everything that happened earlier. But it was the good kind of exhausted, where your eyes are puffy and your heart is hard and you don’t feel anything anymore because you’ve already felt it too much. You’re spent. Somehow, mercifully, you just don’t care. Tears and a nap can be the best therapy.

I sat up slowly and took in a deep breath. I needed to hold it together. If I kept dwelling on things, I’d never get out of bed. I made the choice to come to Seattle. I made the choice to leave home. And, I made the original choice to leave Dex back in December. Those had all been in my control and I needed to own those choices.

I listened for signs of Dex outside and heard faint music and cupboards closing in the kitchen. The snuffling outside the door continued. For once, I wasn’t concerned that some ghost or supernatural being was outside. This was no demon. This was Fat Rabbit. And that dog’s face was a sure pick-me-up.

I reached for the door in the darkness and pulled it open to see the pudgy French bulldog’s face turned up at me in a sloppy, tongue-hanging out smile. He came in the room along with the light from the apartment, and immediately started jumping up on my legs and giving me doggy kisses.

“Hey fatty,” I heard Dex call out from the kitchen in a sing-song voice.

I poked my head out and looked at him. I had to blink twice to get my sight right. Dex was dancing in front of the stove to Depeche Mode’s “Personal Jesus”, a too-tiny apron wrapped around him, looking utterly ridiculous as he ground pepper into a steaming pot. The minute he saw me, he froze, pepper mill in mid-grind, then calmly turned down the volume on the music player.

I tried to stifle my amusement. “Were you talking to me?”

He gave me a wry look and went back to grinding. “No. Naturally Fat Rabbit’s name is just Fatty now. Fatty Rab, if I’m being more formal.”