Exposure (14 page)

I went back to work as soon as I could. The
students always lifted my mood with their jokes and good humor. Sometimes we
went out to cafes or to the market to practice talking about what we saw in the
real world. Teaching helped take me out of my insular existence.

There was one French guy, Lucien, who
always seemed to be looking at me more intensely than the others. At first I
suspected he knew who I was, but I wasn’t sure. Then I just thought he liked me
too much for a comfortable teacher-student relationship. I hoped I wouldn’t
have to speak to him about it. He was a nice guy—about my age, blond, good-looking.
In different circumstances I might have been interested in him too, but I wasn’t
in any kind of state to want anything like that, and the teacher-student thing
made it impossible anyway.

Once, I set a homework task. The students
had to prepare a talk about their favorite things for the next lesson. I played
them the song from the Sound of Music to introduce the topic.

Each of the students stood up to speak in
turn. One talked about his pets. A few talked about their travels or their
families, and one about her collection of designer shoes. I’d noticed that she
wore a different pair each day and secretly wondered how she managed to afford
so many. In her talk, she said her mother loved shoes too and often took her
shopping. Then it was Lucien’s turn. He said his favorite thing was following
the lives of movie stars.

I didn’t like the way that was going. I had
to stop him if he was going to get personal, but he talked in a general way
about the movies he liked, none of them Nathan’s. My heart was going wild as I
questioned him hoping that he wouldn’t say anything about me if he knew.

“Why do you like finding out about the
lives of the stars?” I asked.

“Because you can see they are just like us.
They are nothing special although everyone thinks they are.”

“I agree,” I said. “They are just people
with hopes and dreams and weaknesses the same as everyone else.”

I passed on to the next student then and
continued around the class until the end of the lesson. I was relieved that
Lucien had not given my identity away. Did he even know who I was?

But after all the students left the room, I
noticed he had left something lying on his chair.

I had encouraged the students to read in
English as much as they could to help improve their vocabulary. Lucien had
certainly done some reading and research. He’d left an article about Nathan on
his seat for me to find. There was no mistake what the article was about.

The headline from the
Globe
was loud
and clear.

CAN’T WAITE ANY LONGER?

The accompanying picture was Nathan in the
arms of his current co-star Lauren McCade.

Seeing Nathan in the arms of another woman
gave me a jolt, but he was always being pictured like that in one way or
another. If I’d been upset by every such image in the past, I’d have drowned in
my tears. It wasn’t the picture that upset me most. It was the article. It said
that Nathan had split up from his new wife and that he had been out a lot with
this actress. It seemed to be serious though they both denied it. I had never
read that kind of thing about him in the past. It was usually nothing more that
he was seen out with this celebrity at a nightclub or had danced with that
actress twice in one night.

I burst into tears. This time it wasn’t
just a photograph for publicity that I could believe Paula had set up. The
article was saying Nathan and his co-star were an item. I didn’t realize how
much I wanted this separation to be a temporary split until I read that. I sat
in the empty classroom until I cried myself out, and then I went home and cried
some more.

I hardly slept. Nathan had forgotten me so
quickly. I thought I meant more to him than that. I really did. He had ruined
my life, and he didn’t care. He certainly hadn’t ruined his. His career was
soaring. And he had someone new. For some reason, I didn’t feel bitter toward
him. I just felt very, very sad, as if nothing would ever be right again.

***

Next day, I managed to drag myself out of
bed and get to work. I had to face Lucien some time, but he came to see me
before class.

“I’m so sorry, Melissa. I saw you crying. I
thought you had a new life here, because he was still in England and with a new
woman. I just wanted to be sure you knew and that you were okay with it. I
guess I was wrong. I thought you liked me.”

“I do like you Lucien. But I’m just... ” I
didn’t know what to say. I was on the verge of crying again.

“I understand. I regretted leaving that
article there as soon as I saw your face.”

“Let’s forget it,” I said. “No one knows
who I am here. I prefer to leave it that way. I have been hounded enough by the
press.”

“I won’t say anything. It’s a secret.”

“Yes, a secret.”

***

I tried to get back to normal after reading
that article, but I couldn’t. I was still upset about it weeks later, still
mourning all hope I might have had of a future with Nathan. Sometimes, I
dreamed he was still with me and I’d feel his naked body against mine, his
voice urging me to come in my ear, the musky scent of him as he took me this
way or that only to wake up with a start and realize none of it was real, and
it was over. We were never getting back together.

It wasn’t the only thing getting me down.
Ever since I’d been in the hospital I hadn’t felt great. It was probably the
aftermath of the surgery making me feel ill, but I made an appointment to see a
doctor anyway. I’d learned my lesson about leaving it too late to see someone
when things were not right.

The doctor felt my stomach, but he couldn’t
detect any problem.

“How are your periods? Are they regular?
Could you be pregnant?” he asked.

I thought back. I couldn’t remember the
last time I’d had a period. I just thought they hadn’t returned when I stopped
taking my pills. There didn’t seem to be any point in continuing to take them.
My marriage was over.

My heart thudded while I waited for the
results of the urine test. I was in shock.

Two minutes later he told me the test was
positive. I was pregnant.

With all that had been going on with the
wedding and in Mauritius, I was a little bit late taking my pills a couple of
times, but I’d taken them as soon as I remembered.

Still, I could hardly believe I was going
to have a baby. How had I not known?

“Wouldn’t they have found out I was
pregnant when I had surgery?” I asked.

“Normally yes, they would,” the doctor
said. “But it was an emergency. I expect there was no time for that when they
thought you might die. In any case, there was nothing obvious to see then.”

The doctor booked me in for various
appointments, and I left his office on shaky legs.

***

How could I possibly cope with a baby? I
didn’t have a clue about babies. My life was already hard enough without having
to cope with a child too. It felt like the worst possible news. I hadn’t even
come to terms with living in France and my life without Nathan, and now this!

Claude and Marie had invited me to spend
the holidays with them. I liked them and I had continued to visit them every
week, sometimes at the hotel, sometimes at their house nearby. I told them I
would probably go home to see my family for a few days. I didn’t like lying,
but I knew they would insist on me going to their place if I didn’t. I wasn’t
in the mood for any kind of celebration.

Instead I spent the Christmas break trying
to get used to the idea of becoming a mother, holed up in my apartment trying
to get my head wrapped around everything that was happening.

On Christmas Day, I called my parents.

“Merry Christmas, Melissa! You should have
come home. It’s the first time we haven’t all been together at Christmas,” my
mother said.

“I couldn’t come back. You know how it is
with the press and everything. I didn’t think you’d want me there.”

“It doesn’t matter about the newspapers
when I think you nearly died in that hospital without anyone there…I’m sorry we
weren’t there for you. Everything okay in France?”

I couldn’t tell her anything. I just couldn’t.
If anyone got wind of the baby in England, I could just imagine the newspapers
tracking me down.

“Yes, everything’s fine. I have an
apartment and my job’s going well.”

“Well, keep in touch. Your dad wants to
speak to you, and Suzanne. Here they are.”

I could hear the catch in my voice as I
spoke to my dad and wished him a Merry Christmas. I didn’t think either of us
knew what to say. He didn’t stay on the phone long before he passed it to
Suzanne.

“Hey, Mel. Merry Christmas. I wish you were
home.” It was good to hear her voice, like a touch of normality in the madness.

“Me too, but I can’t live at home. You know
I can’t. Merry Christmas.”

“Nathan called. He wondered if we had heard
from you.”

“He probably wants to serve divorce papers
or something now he’s with Lauren McCade.”

“I’m not so sure. He’s still side-stepping
any talk of them being together in the press and I’ve seen a few reports in the
last couple of weeks speculating that they aren’t a couple now.”

“Oh.” I didn’t like the way I seized onto
Suzanne’s words like a drowning sailor clinging to a life raft.

After that call home, I was desperate to
hear Nathan’s voice. What if he was spending Christmas alone like me? Chances
are he had gone back to the States, but I had to find out. I wasn’t even sure I
would speak to him if he answered.

I dialed our number, my heart thudding. I
expected the answering machine to kick in after a few rings. Even hearing
Nathan’s voice on that would be a comfort.

“Hello?” a woman picked up the phone. She
sounded like Lavinia Taylor. He couldn’t, could he? Not after everything he
said about her. I didn’t believe it, but I put the phone down without saying
anything. A lot of women had those clipped upper class tones, but why was any
woman answering our phone at home on Christmas day? Maybe it was Lauren McCade.
I didn’t know. It was hard to tell from one word.

If I’d been miserable before, it had
nothing on how upset I was after hearing that woman. I couldn’t stop crying.
And it made me more determined than ever not to tell anyone about the baby. I
just had to get on with things. I had no choice. I couldn’t go back to England,
especially not now. I was pregnant. Nathan had someone else. The newspapers
would have a field day.

***

So I went back to work after the holidays
and I got by. I went to the store for groceries. I taught my students English
and I came home again. I visited Marie and Claude. I tried not to think too
hard. I tried not to remember how things had been with Nathan before the
newspapers ruined everything. It hurt too much.

Some of my neighbors tried to draw me into
conversation when I came across them on the stairs, but I never lingered long.
I wanted to get back into my apartment as quickly as I could where I felt safe
in my cocoon—a prison of my own making.

I was alone, expecting a baby, Nathan’s
baby. And more and more pictures were appearing everywhere of him partying with
Lauren McCade. I couldn’t see any signs of them splitting up. And there were no
naked pictures of her. No doubt, they were a lot more careful now. He wouldn’t
want
her
precious reputation getting ruined.

It became me and my baby against the rest
of the world. I stayed inside alone a lot talking to “Little Blip” as I
christened the baby after seeing the scan picture.

Those months of my pregnancy I answered my
sister’s email and text messages and those from my parents, but I was never
tempted to give in and tell them. Somehow enduring the heartbreak of Nathan
finding someone else while I bore his child was easier without everyone back
home knowing and feeling sorry for me. Let them get on with their own lives, I
thought. I’ll get on with the mess I’ve made of mine—right out of the
limelight—the way I liked it. The baby inside me was going to have just me, and
I had to take care of both of us.

One day I called Hannah. I knew Suzanne
would have told her where I was and that I was safe but nothing more than that.
The fewer people who knew the better. But I was sorry I’d never been in touch
with Hannah. And I never found out what was going on with her that night at the
wine bar. I was so wrapped up in my own misery. She deserved a better friend
than me.

“What made you go to France?” she asked
when I called.

“You know. That guy. The night we went out.
It was the final straw.”

“That was awful,” she said. “I’m not sure I
could have coped with all the flak you took as long as you did. You ever coming
back?”

“Not for a while.”

“I miss you,” she said. “It’s not the same
knowing you’re not just around the corner.”

“Hey,” I said. “Are you okay?”

She sounded down. I felt guilty I wasn’t
there for her. We’d always been there for each other.

“I split up with Ben.”

“Oh no, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“Long story. I’ll tell you when I see you.
If you don’t come back, I’ll have to visit you in France. I know you’re in
hiding from Nathan. I won’t tell him where you are. Not if you don’t want me to,
Mel.”

“Why not come over in June?” I said. “You
can get some sun, and I’ll have some time off then.” And a baby, I thought, but
I couldn’t tell her about that.

“Count on it,” she said. “I’ll crack open
my piggy bank for the fare.”

“That piggy bank you never put anything
in.”

“Yes, that one, but I’ll start putting
something in it.”

I had to laugh. Hannah always spent every
penny she earned every month.

“Do that,” I said. “I’d love it if you came
over then.”

It was going to be pretty crowded in my
apartment, but we’d manage somehow.

***

The only people I told about the baby were
in France: my employers because I’d need to take maternity leave, and Marie and
Claude because I wasn’t able to hide my condition from them for long.

My French friends seemed delighted for me.
They knew nothing about my past, just that I’d left my husband. I suspected
they thought I was fleeing from abuse but they didn’t pry. I was happy I didn’t
have to lie to them.

“What about your husband? Is he happy about
the baby?” Marie asked.

“I haven’t been in touch since I left him
so I haven’t told him.”

“Oh.”

No doubt she thought I’d fled to keep the
baby safe from harm or something and I said nothing to set that straight. The
less they knew about Nathan the better.

I was determined to do everything alone. I’d
always been independent and capable. I’d show everyone how capable I was. I’d
get it together—my apartment, my job, my baby, child care, everything.

Yet, despite my resolve, I couldn’t help
the pain that consumed me when I saw Nathan at the Oscars with Lauren McCade at
his side. There was no doubt Nathan looked every inch on his way to being an
A-List star now. The publicity had done him no harm. Maybe it had even helped.