Authors: Michelle Betham
Closing his eyes, he leaned forward, falling deeper into her, his hands holding onto her hips as his mouth brushed over her breasts, his tongue flicking over her hot, hard nipples, the small, quiet moans that escaped from her slightly parted lips causing his stomach to flip over and over, his heart beating like crazy inside him. Because
he
was inside
her.
His favourite place.
‘Okay?’ he whispered, his hands moving up to join with hers either side of her head, their fingers entwining as he pushed a little deeper, her legs wrapping themselves around him, accepting him fully.
She nodded, gripping his fingers tight, biting down on her lip as her back arched and her hips bucked up. Feeling him there, a part of her, knowing what they’d made together, it gave her a feeling of something she’d tried not to feel before, something she’d dared not feel – hope. Hope that something could be salvaged from what she still considered to be one big mess. Hope that she could do the right thing by this baby and make sure it got the love and security it needed, because she came second now. She wasn’t the most important person in this scenario. Her, Jim, Ryan, even Ronnie – none of them mattered,
she
didn’t matter. But this baby did. She owed her tiny miracle the chance of having a life that made them feel safe. She owed them a life with their father. Didn’t she?
As she began to feel those familiar pins and needles creep up her body, that tingling between her legs start to intensify, she pushed everything else to the back of her mind as she clung onto this man inside of her. She wanted to feel every heart-breaking, confusing second of what he was about to give her, and as a white-hot pain shot through her, filling her with a beautiful, burning sensation that wiped everything else clean out of her mind, she cried out his name, her fingers tightening around his as he gave that one, last, final thrust. She felt him come, felt him give himself completely to her, and as the last of those wonderfully prickly tingles eased off, she felt him relax, his body falling gently onto hers, his head buried in her shoulder as he tried to catch his breath.
She ran her fingers through his dark hair, the roughness of his stubble tickling her skin, but she loved it – loved lying there with him, remembering the days when this was unheard of in Ryan Fisher’s world. The days when they’d have sex and he’d be up and out of bed before she’d had time to blink. And she smiled as she remembered the morning all that had changed – when he’d stayed with her, beside her, his hand slipping into hers. Was that the day she’d fallen in love with this man? Had she
ever
fallen in love with this man? She’d felt something, she knew that much. And she was feeling it again, despite Jim. Despite everything.
Closing her eyes, she felt him leave her body, rolling over beside her, propping himself up on one elbow. ‘Stay with me,’ he whispered, letting his fingers trail lazily over her breasts, which were still rising and falling quite heavily, the recent exertion not yet giving way to steady breathing. ‘Tonight. Stay with me.’
She turned her head to smile at him, reaching out to gently touch his cheek. Those stomach flips she was feeling, were they just because her hormones were all over the place right now? Because she was confused and cocooned in this perfect little world, so far away from reality? A reality that still waited for her back home, and it was only a matter of hours away now. ‘I’ve got an early flight, Ryan. I really do need to go back to my hotel, or Max is going to come looking for me.’
‘Not Ronnie?’ Ryan asked, knowing that the second she was back in her best friend’s company he was going to try and talk her out of anything she might be considering, if it included him.
‘I don’t have to go just yet,’ she said, ignoring his intentional dig at Ronnie. ‘Unless you want me to.’
‘Jesus, Amber, come on. I don’t want you to go at all, I…’ He stopped talking. Was there any point in telling her what he wanted? She already knew. It was up to her now. The ball was very much in her court. ‘I don’t want you to go.’
‘Good.’ She smiled, turning onto her side to face him, kissing him slowly, burying her fingers in his hair as he pulled her against him. ‘Because I’m not ready to go anywhere yet.’
Maybe she never would be. Only time would tell.
Jim opened the door, not missing the way her eyes had dipped down the second she’d seen him. She looked beautiful, with her lightly tanned skin and that crazy red hair falling over her shoulders.
‘Can I come in?’ she asked, her eyes finally meeting his. ‘It’s freezing out here.’
‘Oh God, sorry, yes. Yes.’ He stood aside to let her through, closing the door behind her, shutting out the sub-zero February temperatures. ‘I forgot you’ve been used to the more tropical temperatures of Tenerife lately.’
Amber looked at him, as usual unable to read his expression. ‘Hardly tropical, Jim. But warmer than north-east England, that’s for sure.’
‘Go on through to the living room,’ he said, forgetting, for a second, that this had once been her home. And not all that long ago. Now he was acting as though she was some stranger who wasn’t familiar with the place. ‘I’m sorry. You know where it is.’
Amber looked at him again, frowning slightly before leading the way into the living room. ‘You haven’t redecorated, then?’
‘Why would I?’ Jim asked, slightly confused by that comment.
She turned to face him, her hands in the pockets of her black, three-quarter-length winter coat. ‘Well, you seem to want to erase anything that alludes to us ever being together.’
‘That’s not what I’m trying to do, Amber.’
‘It’s what it feels like, sometimes.’ She was finding it quite hard to look at him, and not just because of what it was she’d come here to tell him. He was still that man who’d been in her life since she was a teenager. The man who’d taken her youth, invaded her world and refused to disappear. Even when he wasn’t around he was still there, under her skin, ever-present – whether she wanted him there or not. But she usually did. For over twenty years she had.
‘Then I’m sorry,’ Jim said, turning his head away for a second, focusing on the view of the cold, grey North Sea over the road, the wind whipping up white-tipped waves that made it seem almost sinister. Threatening, even. ‘I never meant it to feel that way.’
‘How did we get to this?’ Amber asked, her voice quiet, her hands burrowing deeper into her pockets.
He turned to face her. ‘I don’t know.’
‘But we can’t ever go back, can we?’ Back to what, though? Back to a relationship that had always been confusing and never felt safe? Is that how she really wanted to spend the rest of her life? Always wondering whether, this time, it really was for keeps, or whether she was going to lose him again. Just like she always seemed to do. But this time – this time it was partly her fault.
‘I don’t know,’ he whispered, his eyes fixed on hers now. And she knew she had to tell him, sooner rather than later. Standing there and avoiding the subject wasn’t going to make it any easier.
She took a deep breath, looking down at the ground for a second before meeting his eyes again. ‘Something’s happened, Jim.’
He frowned, and she felt her stomach tighten as she got ready to say the words – words she’d dreamed of saying to him, but under very different circumstances.
‘I’m…’ She couldn’t get the words out. It was like someone had pressed mute on some invisible remote control, rendering her speechless. She felt breathless all of a sudden, the nausea that had seemed to disappear when she’d been over in Tenerife returning with a vengeance. ‘I’m pregnant.’
Jim looked at her, his expression one of disbelief. ‘You… how? I mean, I thought…’
She shrugged, trying desperately to summon up the courage to tell him the most important part. The part that she knew was going to shatter her heart into a million tiny pieces and hurt like hell, but he had to know. ‘I guess someone was looking down on me,’ she whispered, folding her arms – a defence mechanism? Probably.
‘Jesus, Amber… how – how far…?’
‘Three months.’
That was when his expression changed, his mind quickly ticking over past events, adding up dates, remembering when…
‘It’s Ryan’s.’ There was no other way to tell him a truth she didn’t want to believe herself, but no amount of wishing or hoping was going to change anything. ‘The baby – it’s Ryan’s.’
Jim just looked at her, his handsome face now expressionless, and with each second that passed, she felt her heart break even more, the pain becoming almost unbearable.
‘I wish… I wish things were different, Jim, I really do. But they’re not.’ She looked right at him, every single memory she had of this man crashing together inside her head to make one mixed-up, emotional montage of a life she wanted so much but was never going to have. ‘They’re not.’
‘I don’t know what to say.’ His voice was steady, calm, and Amber didn’t know whether to feel relieved that he was taking it so well, or nervous that this was nothing but a calm before a storm that had yet to hit. ‘That’s why you went out to Tenerife?’
She nodded, folding her arms tighter against her. ‘He had to know.’
‘And how did he take it?’
His tone was almost business-like now, something which saddened Amber but didn’t really surprise her. She’d just hoped he’d have been more – more, what? Receptive? Interested? Who was
she
kidding? She’d just told him she was expecting a baby by one of his players, how did she expect him to react?
‘He’s okay about it. He’s fine. I mean, it was a shock, but… but I think he’s getting used to the idea.’
Jim said nothing, turning away from her and walking over to the French doors at the back of the large living room, staring out into the garden. ‘The baby’ll be here in August.’ He turned to face her again. ‘Am I right?’
She nodded, unable to relax her arms. She knew she’d feel too vulnerable if she let them fall.
‘Just as the new season is about to start,’ Jim went on, looking back outside. ‘And by that time Ryan will be home, back at Newcastle Red Star.’ He turned round again, his hands in his pockets, his expression still one she couldn’t read. He was a man who was too good at hiding how he really felt, and that confused her. Did he really care so little about what was happening here? ‘
If
he comes back to Newcastle Red Star.’
Amber looked up sharply, her eyes narrowing as she stared at her estranged husband. ‘What do you mean,
if
he comes back?’
‘You’re having his baby, Amber. How does that look, huh?’
‘I don’t…’
‘How does that make
me
look? Did you think about that when you were fucking him behind my back?’
‘I didn’t… I couldn’t… Shit!’ She finally uncrossed her arms, pushing both hands through her hair. ‘I didn’t plan any of this, Jim. I didn’t plan for you to keep yet more secrets from me, I didn’t plan for me to be told I might never be a mum; I didn’t plan to handle it all so fucking badly. But the one thing I certainly didn’t plan on was getting pregnant. I had no idea there was even the slightest possibility that that could happen, and I’m sorry, I really am, because if I could turn back time then I would change it all. Everything. I’d even miss out on having this baby if it meant I could be with you, do you understand? Do you understand how much I still love you, how I would do anything to change this situation? Have you any idea how heart-breaking this all is? How fucking confusing and painful it is?’
‘That doesn’t change the fact that when this comes out, I’m the one who’s going to look like they’ve been humiliated…’
‘Is that all you care about? Your reputation?’
‘It’s very important to me, Amber. In this business I need that respect.’
‘You can’t control his life, Jim.’
‘He crossed a line, Amber.’
‘We
both
crossed that line. He didn’t do this alone.’
‘How’s it going to look to the rest of the players? He swans back into the dressing room after a few months abroad, a father to my wife’s baby? Think about it, Amber.’
‘I’ve done nothing but, Jim. Believe me.’
He turned away again, staring back outside, his head spinning with news he’d never expected to hear. And once again he was faced with a situation he wasn’t sure he could control.
‘Don’t play with his life, Jim. Please. Not now.’
‘You almost sound like you care about him?’
‘I
do
care about him.’
He swung round to look at her. ‘Are you and him…?’
She shook her head, folding her arms again, re-erecting those barriers between them. ‘Everything’s so confusing right now. I don’t know what to do.’
‘Are you even considering it?’
‘Jim, please. I don’t know, okay? I don’t know anything. All I know is that I need to concentrate on this baby, and everything else I’ll deal with later.’
‘Are you all right? I mean, you’ve seen a doctor…?’
‘Dr. Lowry’s looking after me. Everything’s fine. I’ve got my twelve-week scan next week and…’ She stopped talking. He didn’t need to know that. ‘It’s fine. I’m fine, the baby’s fine.’
‘Have you told Freddie?’
She looked away for a second, remembering her dad’s reaction when she’d broken the news to him that morning, less than an hour and a half after arriving home from Tenerife. To say he wasn’t best pleased was an understatement. Of course he was over the moon that Amber was pregnant, that wasn’t the issue. It was the circumstances in which it had happened that were the problem. All Freddie Sullivan wanted for his daughter was for her to be happy, and he wasn’t entirely sure that she was as happy as she should be, despite Amber trying to convince him otherwise.
‘I feel as though I’m continually disappointing him,’ she said quietly.
‘Freddie loves you, Amber. And he knows how much you wanted this baby.’
‘I wanted
your
baby, Jim.’ Once again she quickly realised how selfish that made her sound and she sighed, pushing her hands through her hair again. ‘I wanted this to be
our
dream.’