Extra Time (72 page)

‘It isn’t that simple, Ryan.’

‘It is to me.’ He was kissing her now, slowly and gently, his mouth moving against hers, his tongue sliding inside, tracing the roof of her mouth, the back of her teeth, and she had to cling onto him to stop her knees from giving way. She felt like a teenager who’d just got to kiss the best looking guy in school, that was what Ryan Fisher did to her.

‘I need time, baby,’ she whispered, pulling away slightly, gently stroking his cheek with the palm of her hand before letting go of him, trying to move away, but he gently took hold of her wrist, stopping her from going anywhere.

‘Can I look at you, Amber? Please? I just want to look at you…’

She leaned back against the wall, her eyes locked onto his, and what he could do to her with just one look was like something out of a book of magic. It was as though someone else had completely taken over her body as she stretched her arms up above her head, moving her legs slightly apart, closing her eyes as his hand ran lightly over her tiny baby bump.

‘We did that,’ he said quietly, leaving his hand there, causing her stomach to flip over and over in a barrage of super-fast somersaults. ‘We made him.’

She bit down on her lip, keeping her eyes closed as his hand moved lower, slipping between her legs, and she couldn’t help but let out a small moan of pure pleasure as he touched her just that little bit harder. It was one of the most erotic experiences of her life, standing there, naked, wanting him to look at her, to touch her, to do whatever he wanted to her. And she knew, right there and then, that fighting this was going to be a waste of time. She’d raised that white flag again, and that new chapter really was about to begin.

Dinner was over, the formalities of the evening all done and dusted and all that was left to do now was a bit more mingling before the time was right to politely leave. And for that, Amber was grateful. She was tired. The events of the day had finally caught up with her and all she really wanted to do was go home, slip into bed, and sleep. She was due back in London in a day or so and she didn’t want to go back down there exhausted and worn out. She wanted her head straight and her life back on track, although, maybe hoping for the impossible was a step too far, for now.

Taking the opportunity to grab a few minutes alone, and some much-needed fresh air before she said her goodbyes, she leaned back against the wall outside Tynebridge’s main entrance and looked out over the floodlit car park below. The stadium looked quite spectacular when it was all lit up the way it was tonight. She loved this club, because she had so many connections to it. Her dad had been a player here, along with Jim. She’d spent many a happy time at matches back when she’d been a child, watching her father play, before Jim had come on the scene and changed her life forever. And even though all of those times had happened at the old ground, before Tynebridge had been built to accommodate all those new facilities that Premiership clubs needed to offer these days, she knew there would always be a place in her heart for Newcastle Red Star. Her life was too connected to this club, and the people involved with it, for it to be any other way.

‘You look deep in thought.’

She quickly looked up to see Jim standing there, and if it really was possible for a heart to stop beating, just for a fraction of a second, then that’s what hers had just done. ‘It’s that time of the night, isn’t it? When you start thinking about things just a little too much.’

He leaned back against the wall next to her, sticking his hands in his pockets as he stared straight ahead. ‘Well, that usually happens when you’ve had a few too many drinks. And I’m assuming you haven’t touched a drop of alcohol all night.’

She looked down at the ground for a second, part of her wishing he would just go away. She didn’t want him this close to her anymore. She didn’t want to have to deal with the feelings that alone threw up.

‘You got something on your mind?’ he asked, and she turned to look at him, a little surprised he even had to ask that question, given their circumstances.

‘Sorry,’ he said, finally realising what he’d just asked her. ‘That was a bit of a stupid question, really.’

She said nothing, just turned away again, looking back out at the car park, a small stream of people now starting to leave, saying their goodbyes before setting off in search of their ride home for the night.

‘I didn’t want any of this to happen, Amber.’

‘Neither did I, Jim.’

‘But I… it’s just the way it has to be.’

She turned to look at him again. ‘Why? Why does it have to be this way? I still don’t understand…’ She stopped herself from saying any more. She didn’t want to sound as though she was begging him for some explanation that he probably couldn’t give her. If he did have his reasons, then maybe it was better she didn’t know. Maybe those people who’d told her everything happened for a reason were right – and maybe she just had to wait that little bit longer before she found out the reason why this had happened. Why she’d lost the one man she’d loved for most of her life.

‘I don’t want to upset you, Amber, or…’

‘Then maybe it’s best you leave.’ She was surprised at how steady her voice was, because, deep down inside, she didn’t really want him to leave. She didn’t want him to go anywhere. She wanted him to tell her he’d been wrong, that divorcing her had been a huge mistake; that he wanted her back because there wasn’t anything they couldn’t work out, as long as they were together. But how could you work out something you didn’t understand?

He moved so he was standing in front of her, looking down at her slightly swollen belly. ‘You’re beginning to show.’

‘A bit,’ she whispered, automatically placing a hand on her bump.

‘I hope it all goes well for you, Amber. This baby… I know how much you wanted it – wanted
him
.’

Amber didn’t know whether he meant the baby or Ryan when he’d said that. And she wasn’t really in the mood to analyse it.

‘You’re so beautiful,’ he whispered, moving closer to her, reaching out and resting the palm of his hand against her cheek. ‘My beautiful baby girl.’

She closed her eyes, and for a second she allowed herself to wonder what it would have felt like if things had worked out how she’d really wanted them to, opening them only when she felt his lips touch hers.

‘Jim…’

She closed her eyes again, resisting every urge to push him away, falling against him, letting him hold her, wanting to feel that kiss for the last time, to remember what he felt like, how he tasted. She hadn’t realised how much she’d needed that until now. Until his mouth had touched hers in a way that was making her cry silent tears, tearing her apart inside with every movement of his lips against hers, his fingers stroking her cheek, wiping away those tears that wouldn’t change anything, she knew that. But she couldn’t stop them. And maybe she needed to cry them, to finally get him out of her system. Maybe…

‘I will
always
love you, Amber. Remember that.’ He pulled away from her, and all of a sudden she felt a pain so deep, so intense it literally took her breath away. It was as if panic had numbed every single one of her senses, allowing total helplessness to take over.

‘I don’t want you to go, Jim. I don’t… I don’t want you to go…’

‘Baby, I can’t do this, I can’t… Don’t make me do this…’

‘I love you so much, Jim. And you know… you know that is
never
going to stop. It’s…’

He pulled her back into his arms, holding her close, rocking her gently as she cried tears she really hadn’t wanted to cry, but then, she hadn’t banked on this happening, had she? She’d thought she was just beginning to get her crazy emotions under some kind of control. It would seem she was still a long way off that happening.

‘Amber, baby, look at me. Look at me, honey, please.’

She didn’t know if she could. She didn’t know if she could stand there and look into those eyes and not want to leave here. He was her world, her whole reason for living, she knew that now. Despite everything, despite Ryan and whatever feelings she thought she might still have for him, it was quite evident that she was never going to be free of Jim Allen. Because she didn’t want to be. But, as she eventually looked up, into eyes that had lied to her, betrayed her; eyes that had loved her, once, she saw eyes that were still hiding something. And she doubted very much whether she’d ever find out what that was.

‘I love you, I do, and you have to believe that. You have to, but… this. I can’t do it. I’m too weak, I can’t… I… I just can’t, Amber. Okay? I can’t do it anymore.’

‘If I wasn’t having Ryan’s baby…?’

He stopped her from asking that question by kissing her, by holding her close and breaking her heart all over again, and she clung onto him for those last, few, precious seconds, banking every memory, every touch, every sound of his voice, every move of his lips against hers.

‘There are reasons, Amber, but I… It’s just the way it has to be. It’s the way it has to be.’

He let his hand run down over her collarbone, gently skimming her breasts until it rested briefly on her bump. And that was an action that tore her apart, an action that made her feel as though someone was physically hacking away at her heart. This was a future she’d wanted, but it was one she couldn’t have. She couldn’t have it. She couldn’t have
him
– her beautiful American man.

‘You take care now. Okay?’ he whispered, his mouth so close to hers she just wanted to close her eyes and feel him kiss her until she fell asleep in his arms, desperate to wake up tomorrow and find out that these past few months had been nothing but one long nightmare.

But, instead, she could do nothing but watch him walk away, breathing in deep as she fought to regain her composure, determined not to break down again. She was never going to be free of Jim Allen, she’d already accepted that, but she had to learn to live without him now. She had no other choice. She’d done that before and succeeded, hadn’t she? She could do it again. And this time she had something far more important to help her move on with a life that didn’t have to have him at the forefront. Someone far more special was about to take his place as the main man in her life. Her son.
He
was her world now.
He
was her reason for living.
He
was the one who was going to get her through this.

‘You okay, kiddo?’

She looked up as Ronnie joined her. ‘I’m fine.’

‘Just checking you haven’t come out here to indulge in a sneaky cigarette.’

‘I gave those up a long time ago,’ she said, snuggling into him as he slid an arm around her shoulders.

‘Yeah, I know you did. I was just trying to avoid having to mention Jim, that’s all. I saw him leave just now and… you’ve been crying. What’s happened? Has he upset you?’

‘We were just saying goodbye, that’s all… Look, can we not talk about him, Ronnie, please? Today was… it was the end of that part of my life, okay? That’s how I have to look at it now. I have to.’

Ronnie hugged her close, gently kissing the top of her head. ‘I know, babe. I’m sorry. I just want to make sure you’re all right, that’s all. It’s been a strange day for you. I can totally understand how confused you must be feeling.’

She pulled away from him slightly, looking right into his eyes, determination slowly starting to fight its way through the pain she still felt at losing Jim. But that was a pain that would never go away; she just had to learn to deal with it a lot better than she had been doing. ‘You know, I’m not sure I’ve got time to be confused anymore. I’ve just got to suck it all up now and start getting my head together before this little one arrives. God knows he’s going to be thrust into a complicated enough scenario as it is, the last thing he needs is his mother falling apart. No. I’ve got to pull myself together, put Jim to the back of my mind and start concentrating on my baby.’

‘And what about Ryan?’

‘What about him?’

Ronnie shrugged. ‘I dunno. I mean, what’s happening with you two?’

‘It’s a work in progress,’ Amber sighed, pushing both hands through her hair, closing her eyes briefly in the hope that it would rid her of any final thoughts of Jim. Because he was still there, filling her head with memories she couldn’t forget.

Ronnie frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean, I don’t know what’s happening with me and Ryan. We see each other, we have sex, it’s a vicious cycle, really, but…’ She leaned back against the wall, closing her eyes again, taking another of those deep breaths she was so used to taking these days. ‘There’s something there, and I don’t know what that is, because… because he isn’t Jim.’ She opened her eyes and looked at Ronnie. ‘And he never will be. But he’s the father of this baby, and he’s doing all he can to prove to me that he’s going to be the best dad he can be.’

‘To be fair, Amber, he hasn’t got a clue what that job entails just yet.’

‘No, but then, neither do I. And I’m scared out of my wits about how I’m going to cope, so…’ She stopped talking, staring straight ahead again.

‘So, what?’ Ronnie asked.

She shrugged, shaking her head. ‘Nothing. It doesn’t matter.’

Ronnie put his arm back around her, pulling her closer, her arms circling his waist as she snuggled in against him, neither of them saying anything, letting the noise of the growing crowd of people now leaving the stadium after the charity dinner fill the silence for a few minutes.

‘You know, I actually think, for the first time since all of this happened – since Jim and I split up, since this surprise pregnancy… since Ryan crash-landed back into my life … ’ Amber pulled away from Ronnie again, suddenly feeling something click inside her, something that told her the time had come to step up and take control of this situation, before it was too late. ‘For the first time since all of this happened, I actually feel as though I know what I need to do now.’

‘You do? Care to share?’

She smiled, leaning forward to plant a quick kiss on his unsuspecting mouth. ‘Not yet. I’ll let you know.’ She quickly winked at him before almost running back inside, bumping straight into Ryan. Literally.