Authors: Maxime Valette
F My Life (13 page)
Today I was giving my boyfriend a blow job. He was twitching and moving around and saying, “Oh yeah;” then he said, “Take that, bitch.” I looked up to see that he was only excited about how he was dominating in Call of Duty 4. FML
Today I submitted my picture to a rating website. It was rejected because I didn’t clarify which person I was. The picture was of my dog and me. FML
Today I took a friend out for what I thought was a date. After dinner was over and I had paid, she pulled the bill out and wrote her name and phone number on it for the waiter. FML
Today my girlfriend and I were watching a show about sex on the Discovery channel. The topic of female orgasms came up, and she said, “Wow, I wonder what that’s like?” We’ve been sexually active for three years. FML
Today I was complaining to my mom about how my sister looked like a Barbie doll next to me. I was saying how she was so tan and her hair looked great compared to mine. My mom paused for a while and then said, “Well, you’re pretty on the inside.” FML
Today I was having sex for the first time with a girl I really like. After a while I told her I was about to come. She replied, “Lucky you.” FML
Today I was happy because I heard my exact shirt and sweater were in
Seventeen
magazine. They were in the “what not to wear” category FML
Today I told my college friend that I considered her to be my best friend. She responded, “I don’t think you should call me that.” FML
Today, the ninth-grade dean called me in to his office to talk. He asked me if I was new because it seemed like I was having trouble making friends. I’ve been going to the same school, with the same people, since kindergarten. FML
Today, at the end of a really long day, my boyfriend was rubbing my back. I told him I appreciated how sensitive he was being. His response? “I was just trying to figure out how to unhook your bra.” FML
Today I realized that my life is so boring that I could not think of a single thing to complain about. FML
Today I got fired from a great babysitting job because the little girl said I was boring. FML
Today I was watching a documentary about the world’s fattest man. Halfway through the show, the reporter started talking about the guy’s girlfriend. The fattest man in the world has a girlfriend. I’m twenty-one and have never had a girlfriend. FML
Today I was walking home from work, and a woman asked me to come inside for a free meal. It was at a homeless shelter. FML
Today I found out that my boyfriend owns and wears more thongs than I do. FML
Today I got my fake ID and went out with the boys to dinner and the bars. One of my friends asked to see my ID. He noticed that according to the birth date on it I wasn’t over twenty-one. I had paid $170 for a fake ID with my real birth date. FML
Today my boyfriend fell asleep during phone sex. FML
Today I asked to borrow my fat friend’s pants for a semiformal tomorrow. I figured I’d just get a belt to hold the pants up. The pants fit me. FML
Today I realized that there are more framed pictures of my mom’s dog than pictures of me around the house. FML
Today my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was twenty-five cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain. FML
Today my boyfriend gave me a card for my birthday and told me to open it ten minutes after he’d left. I waited five minutes. Inside the card it said, “It’s not working out, but here’s twenty bucks.” FML
Today a girl I really like mentioned that she was home alone and that she was really,
really
lonely. She asked if I wanted to come over and watch a few movies with her. As I prepared to leave, she sent me a text saying, “Can you pick up my friend Spencer?” FML
Today I found out that my ex-girlfriend put Nair in my shampoo before moving out. I’m now bald. FML
Today I went to the doctor, and the nurse asked if I was married, to which I responded “yes.” She then asked if I was sexually active. My response: “No.” FML
Today my mom walked in on me while I was looking at a 1978 copy of
Playboy.
She asked if I had found it in the basement. I said yes. Then I realized that she was the centerfold. FML
Today I told a girl I liked her. She replied, “Don’t.” FML
Today my boyfriend asked me what I had enjoyed most about the weekend we’d spent together. I mentioned in detail a certain move he had pulled during sex. When asked what he enjoyed most, he replied, “Putting my fish tank together.” FML
Today I was walking along the street and passed a young couple. Over my shoulder I heard the girl say to her boyfriend, “Would you still love me if I looked like her?” FML
Today my name was called during an assembly because I had won a prize. Everyone booed. FML
Today I was sitting in class, and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML
Today I was walking to my car when I saw a large man walking behind me. I hurried to open my car door as he quickly approached. My door wasn’t unlocking, and I panicked. It was then that I noticed that it wasn’t even my car. As I walked away from that car, he walked up and unlocked the door of it. FML
Today a creepy man on the subway said he liked my eyeballs. It was the best compliment I’ve received in months. FML
Today the local newspaper ran a story called “Looking Good,” about fashion in school. The front page of that section featured a picture of my class. I was Photoshopped out. FML
Today I opened a birthday present from my grandfather. It was a map of the United States color-coded to show the regional percentage of available men. FML
Today my daughter asked me when was the first time I had had sex. When I told her it was at age twenty-two, she quickly shouted, “Beat ya!” She’s thirteen. FML
Today I dropped my keys. Not wanting to lean over and pick them up, I pointed at them and said
“Accio.”
I had tried to use a Harry Potter spell in public. FML
Today I had my final meeting with the psychologist who was helping me with my bipolar disorder. I just found out that he committed suicide. FML
Today I put my picture on a celebrity look-alike website. The three matches that came up were Barbra Streisand, Hillary Clinton, and Boy George. I’m sixteen. I’m a boy. FML
Today I was sitting in science class, and to my surprise I felt my pants suddenly becoming warm and wet. I looked behind me to see that four boys from my class had inserted a small funnel into my exposed butt crack and poured the melted butter from the experiment into it. FML
Today my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and then proceeded to throw up all over the rug. FML
Today I was excited because I was going to get my college decisions back. I put all of the letters in order of my preference. Didn’t get into my first choice. Denied by my second choice. Rejected by my third choice. Wait-listed on my backup choice. Accepted for a job at Target. FML
Today I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor. A huge spider came scurrying out. FML
Today I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I called all my family members to invite them over this evening, telling them that I had some very important news for them that could not wait. They all declined the invite. When I asked why, they said they were going to my cousin’s house to watch his new TV. FML
Today, after taking a shower, I decided to weigh myself. I peered down. I couldn’t see the scale. FML
Today I decided to introduce my girlfriend to my parents by telling them that we were going to have a very special guest for dinner. While my mom was preparing the meal, she asked, “What does he like?” I’m straight. My parents thought differently. FML
When we come across someone mean, cynical, or just plain evil, there’s nothing much to laugh about (well, maybe a little). Some people are just bad, and the worst are those few who don’t know it. Let us now lower these miserable pieces of human waste into the smoldering embers of hell and bid them good riddance, for these are the people who make our lives a regular nightmare.
Today I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said, “That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream.” FML
Today I was on a train, sitting next to an old man who was reading a newspaper. Suddenly he sneezed without putting his hands over his nose. Instead of turning toward the window first, he turned toward me. FML
Today, during dinner, my new girlfriend’s father stroked my leg several times under the table with his bare foot. FML
Today I was discussing my family heritage with my girlfriend’s parents. The minute I told them I come from a German background, her seven-year-old brother pointed at me and yelled, “Hitler!” FML
Today it’s my birthday. My ex just sent me a text. I read it, happy he had remembered. He wanted me to know he has a new girlfriend. FML
Today I got my license renewed, and the woman behind the desk looked at me and said, “Guess we need to update the weight, huh?” FML
Today I was reading the end of my book. I turned the page and saw, written at the top: “Lauren kills Paul in the end. You shouldn’t have pissed me off.” It was from my sister. We had a fight yesterday. FML
Today I sent a text message to my ex-boyfriend, who dumped me four months ago, telling him to come back. His answer: “Feeling-wise, I won’t come back to you, but sexually, why not?” FML
Today my fiancé told me that, after seven years together, he is no longer in love with me. Shocked and appalled, I ask him if he had anything else to add. “Happy Birthday,” he said. FML
Today my best friend invited me to dinner at his house. When I went to the bathroom, I found my wife’s wedding ring in a cup. She lost it a week ago. FML
Today my boss called me in to tell me I was getting a raise. Excited, I bought a $1,500 Chanel bag. Two hours later he called me in to tell me that he had been kidding. FML
Today I decided to come out to a co-worker. She looked at me, laughed, and said, “You can’t be gay, you’re fat!” FML
Today, as I was taking the train to work with the worst hangover ever, two obese women started talking about rim jobs. I got up to change cars just in time for their conversation to switch to
receiving
rim jobs. I sprayed puke all over myself and an innocent bystander. FML
Today my boss told me that we are having a big meeting tomorrow, with lots of important people. Before leaving the room he added, “Please try to dress better tomorrow.” FML
Today kids were chatting while I was trying to teach a lesson. After three warnings that the next person who talked would get a note to take home, one kid looked right at me and went, “Meeow.” FML
Today at lunch I ordered a Coke. The waiter replied, “Diet Coke?” I corrected him, saying, “No, regular Coke.” He shook his head and said again, “Diet Coke.” FML
Today a woman at the crowded mall stopped me and told me loudly that if I bought her product it would get rid of my acne. FML
Today I was putting in a new lightbulb when my wife walked into the room and said, “You can’t see a thing. I’ll turn the light on for you.” And she did, giving me an electric shock. FML
Today my five-year-old daughter watched me getting dressed in the bathroom and asked, “Mom, when my boobs grow, will they droop like yours?” FML
Today my mother bought me Mickey Mouse-shaped burgers for my dinner. I’m twenty-two. FML
Today my man and I were having sex on the edge of the bed. We were using chocolate spread, and I was riding him. When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. I knelt down to smell it. It wasn’t chocolate. FML
Today my husband called me “my little zebra.” I gave birth a month ago, and I’ve kept a few stretch marks. FML