Facing the Music And Living To Talk About It (9 page)

Admittedly, I was the problem child at times because of my immaturity, but I was very fortunate to join a band of brothers who stuck by me, encouraged me and cared about me. In many ways, they provided the sort of strong role models I’d never had. I’ve often wondered what my life would have been like if I hadn’t developed my singing to the level required to make it with the Backstreet Boys. It’s a little scary to think about that. Many of the kids I knew when we lived on 131st Street have had serious drug problems. Some went to prison. A few are no longer living.

Your environment can shape you. If you don’t decide what you want to do with your life and go after it, you’ll end up just taking what life gives you. I saw guys who didn’t have much family guidance join street gangs that preyed on their weaknesses, including their lack of direction and support at home. Gang leaders are skilled at recruiting lost souls by promising to provide the
family
these kids lack. I could have ended up in a gang if my life had gone another way—if I hadn’t built upon my strengths.

My mom did push me to get voice and dance lessons, and though I often feel as if she was motivated to do that because she saw the potential for more income in it, I did become a successful performer, I did find and pursue my passion, and as a result, I did end up in an entirely different sort of gang. This one was made up of guys whose drive to build upon their strengths was just as strong, or even stronger than mine.

One of the most important things I’ve learned in my struggle to put my life on the right track and stay there is that you have to surround yourself with people who make you want to be better—especially people who are strong where you are weak.

I didn’t understand that for the longest time. Too often, I chose to hang out with people who shared my weaknesses. They didn’t make me better. They weren’t concerned about making themselves better either. They were out for the quick high, the cheap thrill, and the next party.

…YOU HAVE TO SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOU WANT TO BE
BETTER
.

Nobody made me run around with these negative influences. I chose to hang with them at times when I didn’t want to hear what more positive and helpful people, including the guys in my band, were telling me. There are rules of attraction in science and in life too. It’s a fact that when you have a negative attitude, you attract negative people, just as it is a fact that when you have a positive attitude, you attract positive people.

I’ve run with both crowds and there is no doubt which one is best for my career, health and spirit. It’s interesting that whenever I focus on building my strengths, positive and encouraging people come into my life. When I fall to my weaknesses, the opposite is true.

So I encourage you to give serious thought to the sort of people you want to attract in your life. And remember, the people who are best for you may not always tell you what you
want
to hear, but you can count on them to tell you what you
need
to hear. I’ve always known that members of my surrogate family—the guys in Backstreet Boys—were there for me.

They aren’t perfect saints each and every day either, but in our first years together I remember thinking, “Wow, this is what it’s like to have a normal family and a normal situation.” I really came to value their friendship. They wanted me to succeed and for the most part, they really were great role models.

Sometimes, though, I tuned them out because I didn’t believe in myself as much as they believed in me. When BSB first formed, I grew tight with Howie Dorough right away. Even though he is seven years older than me, I hung out with him and his family a lot because Howie grew up in the Orlando area. His father, who was of Irish descent, was an Orlando police sergeant who trained police dogs and worked as a security guard to make extra money. His mother, who is of Puerto Rican descent, worked in a school cafeteria. Howie had three older sisters and an older brother, not to mention a bunch of cousins. I dated one of his nieces for a while and really got to know the whole family well.

My friendship with Howie had a positive impact on me early on. Like my own family, the Doroughs didn’t have a whole lot of money, but the dynamics in their family were completely different. They were very loving toward each other. They really seemed to appreciate and care for one another. Hanging out with them, I could see where Howie got his personality. We called him Sweet D because he has this benevolence about him—a genuine, kindhearted nature.

Howie always tried to guide me and so did Brian Littrell, who, despite being five years older than me, has always been very much the old soul of our group. As a kid Brian had a lot of health problems, including a hole in his heart and a life-threatening bacterial infection. He’s mature and calm, which I think is due in part to dealing with such serious health problems and also due in part to his deep religious faith. I roomed with Brian often when the group traveled in the early years. He and Howie were both like older brothers or even parents to me in those days.

Brian reminded me while we were recording in London in 2012 that my parents made him my legal guardian on one of our first European tours when I was still a minor. They trusted Brian enough to put him in charge of my welfare in case something happened on the trip. I don’t think they ever told me about that, which is probably a good thing since as much as I respect Brian and felt that he was a positive role model, I never thought of him as a “father figure.”

What has consistently impressed me about Brian, though, is how his entire life is built upon his Christian faith. Everything he does is guided by his spiritual beliefs. I believe in God too, but I haven’t become a Christian like him. I’d never known anyone with such a strong spiritual foundation. We’ve had many discussions about religion and faith and I’ve learned a lot from him. We all have our own beliefs and interpretation of God; who is to say whether one is right or better than the others? I love science, for instance, and believe that there are scientific explanations for everything. I say count me in with Katy Perry and Megan Fox, who, like me, admit to being intrigued by the ideas raised in the History Channel show
Ancient Aliens.
I joke that the show’s stories about contact between humans and ancient extraterrestrial astronauts reportedly found in historical texts, archeology and legend helps explain my own theories of religion.

Many people are afraid to talk about their faith and spirituality if they don’t belong to a particular church. And some who are affiliated with a particular church are not always open to others who don’t belong to that same faith. All I can say is that Brian and Kevin Richardson taught me a lot about the value of having faith to guide you and keep you on track. I’ve often wished that I had their strength in that regard, but I just didn’t have the spiritual background they received while growing up in church-going families.

Kevin is nine years older than me, and during the first few years in the band I found him a little intimidating. I often thought of him as this big eagle looking down on me. He’s very disciplined and tough-minded. Kevin was captain of his high school football team and has sort of a drill-sergeant mentality, which is good in some ways, but I didn’t always respond very well to his methods. He’s mellowed a lot over the years, of course, and I’ve also changed and grown.

I used to feel scrutinized by him, but eventually I came to realize that Kevin had my best interests at heart. As I’ll talk about later in this book, he’s done some things that have really helped me turn my life around. I also appreciate the fact that Kevin is always working to expand his knowledge through reading and exposing himself to new subjects and ideas. I’ve tried to do the same and we’ve had many good discussions, especially about health and nutrition.

The other member of our group, A.J. McLean, is just two years older than me. A.J. is from a background more like mine than the other guys. His parents divorced when he was four years old. His single mother raised him. He is a very creative and independent guy with a unique perspective on things.

A.J. has had issues with drugs and alcohol, like me. Kevin stepped up in a big way to help him too, leading an intervention to get A.J. into rehab and Alcoholics Anonymous. Watching A.J. go through that experience and come out of it helped me to understand the benefits of getting professional help. His example also taught me that people can make mistakes and correct their lives, but it takes a lot of work to get back on track.

The five of us may come from varied backgrounds, but we all share a love of music and a dedication to being the best we can be for ourselves and for each other. My point in telling you about my fellow band members and our relationships is that when you identify your strengths and then work to develop those talents and gifts, you attract people with similar goals and aspirations. And that’s a very good thing.

THEY WILL INVEST IN YOU WHEN THEY SEE YOU
INVESTING IN YOURSELF.

It has occurred to me that most of the positive and supportive people I know are those I’ve met through music. It’s a very rare thing in this life to meet even just one or two people who truly want you to succeed. You’ll find it’s even rarer to find some willing to step up, tell you that you are headed in the wrong direction, and help steer you back. I’ve been blessed with more of those caring and trustworthy friends than I probably deserve.

The secret to attracting positive and supportive people into your life is simple: They will invest in you when they see you investing in yourself. When you work to build your strengths, you will be amazed at how many people start pulling for you, too. I know because, as I will relate in the coming chapters, I’ve experienced it time and again myself.

PERSONAL NOTES