Authors: Kelly Hogan
I spot an open suitcase, which has thrown up clothes all over the floor, sitting on a stand over by the bathroom; surely I can score some pants from it. Walking turns out to be harder then I thought as I grasp onto the other double bed and dresser for stability. Luckily there are a pair of sweats on top which I grab and too hastily pull on, sending me off balance and plummeting face first into the lovely shag carpet.
I muster all my strength and pull back up on all fours, then semi straight up, using the bed for leverage. Screw the shoes, I'm just going to have to wing it. To my right, on the inside of what I can assume is the bathroom door I catch my reflection in a full length mirror. Taking myself in, I am hard pressed to find even one scratch on any surface at all. My hair doesn't look singed, my skin isn't red and I can't see a blister anywhere. Was it all a dream? Who cares, my internal alarm is ringing - get the crap out of there!
Turning back towards the front door and shuffling as fast as I can, my body protesting every step, I make it only a few steps when the door in front of me fills with light as it's flung open. I look back at the person who brought me here, unable to speak, staring seems more my style at the moment. As he comes into focus after shutting the door, the startling bright sunlight spots fade from my vision, familiarity sets in with a giant punch to the gut.
"Well hello there sleeping beauty. Care for a coffee?"
The words that utter from my lips are a little too nasty to repeat, but it happens to rhyme with mother pucker. The last person I expected to have me confined to a cruddy motel room was Asher Grey, and here he was, standing in front of me, with a couple large coffees loaded into a tray and a greasy bag of god knows what for breakfast.
"I can see you are a little surprised to see me here, but believe me, it's one hell of a story if you'll let me explain," he says so nonchalantly like it's completely normal that we are here together.
He walks over to the desk by the front window and plops down the food and keys, turning back to me with his hands in his pockets, waiting for me to respond. I find myself speechless for the first time in like ever, unable to say everything I want to cause it would just be too much effort. Instead I plunk myself down on the bed to gather my witty sense of sarcasm and give my screaming legs a break.
"How are you feeling?" he asks with what seems like genuine sympathy. PAH!
"What's it to you?" Ok THAT was my best come back? I am clearly traumatized into losing any sense of a good retort. I place my hands beside my hips on the bed, stabilizing my shaking limbs. Looking towards the floor in a death stare, Ash moves towards me slowly and that's when it hits me. His shoes. It's the last thing I remember from the bar, a pair of converses. It wasn't a dream.
Sitting down beside me, the bed goes all lopsided and I find it hard to not lean into him and take comfort in his warmth. The day he left I was filled with such anger and rage, but as any gushy love story goes, we always secretly yearn for them to come back, rescue us and declare their horrible mistake, never to leave us again. Bleech.
"You were there, weren't you?" I squeak out.
"Yeah. Got you out right before the ceiling collapsed, we were lucky... "
"Why. How?" Confusion layering my thought process.
"It really is an interesting story, but Stella, I think you might want to rest a bit before... "
"Fuck the resting Ash, how did you know where I was? Was it a coincidence? Why did you bring me here? Is this some sort of sick game to you?" I turn my face towards him, unable to keep staring down, unable to not feel that familiar pull towards him that I always do, unable to not
want
to look at him and see him again, even if it's for this short encounter.
When he looks back into my eyes, I see it. I see a very different person that left those few weeks ago. This guy seems older, worn out, eyes full of worry, dark circles etched with a very visible story of how he really has been doing, and my guess would be about as good as I have been. Turning his head down towards the floor, and leaning his elbows on his knees, he heaves a big sigh, leaving his shoulders slumped and hunched forward.
"Stella, look, I deserve everything you are going to sling at me. Really I get it, I mean I REALLY get it." Turning back to look at me he continues. "I don't deserve your forgiveness after what I did, I know I don't, but I really need to tell you some stuff and even if you can find it in you to forgive me a little bit, I'll take it. I'll take anything I can get from you at this point. This is a little beyond me right now, way out of my comfort zone, hell, I think it's out of the hemisphere for me, but I need you to listen to me fully and let me try and help you."
"What gives you the idea that I would ever let you into my life again Asher? What do I owe you in the slightest bit?"
"You don't owe me anything. Nothing. But I think you owe it to yourself to hear me out."
"Me?" I scoff. "What does your dick behaviour have to do with
me
anymore."
"It has to do with you Mother Stella." He sits back up and looks me right in the eyes. Pleading with me to listen.
I can't form any words to this. This was the last thing I expected him to utter. My Mother? My mind reeling, my body still hollering in protest, I get up and turn towards the spot where I woke. Climbing back into bed, curling into a ball and closing my eyes for a second seems the most I can manage at this point. Ash understands and leaves me a moment to collect myself. I feel the bed shift as he stands up, grabs the food and walks over to sit on the other double bed across from me. I squint open my left eyelid to grab my coffee from him, craving something hot and caffiene-y on the A-SAP.
Turning on my back and propping up against the rickety headboard I let the hot and heavenly drink pour down my throat while I stare straight ahead at the crappy artwork.
"I got you some food too, some sort of egg and cheese concoction that I remember you liking from before... " Without looking at him, I let my stomach win as I grab the bag from his outstretched hand and rummage for my breakfast. After I've eaten a little and finished the coffee I feel I'm ready to let him speak his peace.
"Ok Ash, let me have it."
As I sit in silence and hear him out I feel like I'm in some sort of movie of the week montage. I can hear some strange indie song that sends me into a trance while you zoom in on a close up of his lips, and hear faint key words from the story he's telling me. I find the details hard to digest but I don't interrupt. I let the words fill my brain and try to make sense of what he's trying to say.
My mother was a demon - yes I knew this. She claims to have thought me a human, even loved me - yeah right. She has been watching over me all these years - what? She thinks Ash and I have some sort of connection to each other - well duh. She thinks I am special. Special. Strangely I laugh out loud at this stopping Ash in mid-sentence. It's funny really. The words all lost souls want to hear. You are special. Words every child wants to hear a parent say to them and really mean it. Something everyone searches to be in their dull and dreary day to day lives. This plus the fact that it's coming from my estranged mother who left me when I was three weeks old. It's too impossible to take in.
Ash is waiting for me to say something. I'm numb all over and I can't really figure anything out right now. I need to shut down for awhile.
"I'm going to take a nap."
"A nap? Now? Ok, um, can I get you anything?"
"Nope." I say as I roll away from him and shut my eyes. I'm asleep in 4 seconds. My dreams are vivid and crazy. Crumbling buildings, earthquakes, fire ravaged rooms, demons playing poker amidst the falling walls? Me searching frantically for something, I can't tell what. Gabs screaming, Ash laying under the rubble bleeding profusely, looking pallid and dead. Really crazy stuff. I'm surprised I didn't show up to school naked and late for a history test. I wake up in a breathless sweat, panting and sitting straight up on the bed. The room is dark, pitch black, I guess I've been asleep for quite awhile.
"Stella, are you alright?" A tense voice emits from the far corner of the room. It's still pretty dark so I don't spot him until my eyes adjust. He's sitting in the far chair over by the desk which feels like miles away. I crawl out of bed, breathless and dizzy from the dream and the events of the last twenty four hours. At least I think it's 24 hours; I don't have a clue what day I'm on anymore.
I don't respond; I make my way over to him and crawl upon his lap. I need to feel him next to me, I need to feel his arms around me. Even if it's for a few minutes, I hunger for his touch in a way I can't explain. When I do this he envelops me in a stronghold, fiercely clinging to each other without any lingering self consciousness. We sit entwined for a long time, unable to let go and unwilling to let words ruin this moment.
I won't be letting go of my anger any time soon, but I realize that pushing him away is pointless. I feel it in my bones that my looney mother is right; we are connected in a way neither of us can explain. I know from his touch and energy that he is just as confused and terrified as I am. I also know that he has been wanting this reunion is much as I have. I don't know what the future will hold but for now, this is enough.
"So what did she look like? Horns and a moustache?" I mumble with my mouth half full of pizza.
Ash chuckles to himself. "Uh-uh, she was beautiful, so so beautiful. She looks just like her daughter," he says with a smile. Kind of a lame line but it sounds sincere so I let it slide without comment. We'd been laying next to each other for a long while, just holding hands and chatting about nothing important, when my stomach made itself known that it was dying a slow death. So we ordered a pizza of which I am quickly making fast work of.
It's about 2 am and I'm wide awake now, ready to focus. I made an excuse to Dad when I woke up about reconciling with Gabs at the party and faking a sleep over tonight. He seemed ok with it, even though he was pissed I hadn't called earlier, but didn't ask too many questions so I'm free to just sit and be with Ash until the morning at least.
"So how did you know I would be at that bar anyways?"
"I had a hunch. When Helena told me you had changed, I figured you might do something really dumb and that was the dumbest thing I could think of," he said with a smirk and nudging my shoulder with his.
"What were you thinking Stella really? I mean, going back? You could have been killed in the very worst way, you know."
"Ugh, enough with the parental cross-examination. You left remember. I had no choice but to go back to where it started and try to figure out where I fit in."
A dark cloud passed over Ash's face. "I am so so sorry Stella. I freaked out, literally. Leaving you that night was horrific and absolutely unforgivable. I know you will find this hard to believe, and at the time I fought the feelings, chalking them up to guilt, but it was like I was pulling against some magnetic force leaving you there. I resisted going back, but I still couldn't seem to get away completely. I didn't go back to New York. Couldn't go back to the house I rented. I only stopped when I got
here
and I just couldn't move any further away from you. Now I know what your mother said seems odd, but in a way it makes perfect sense to me. I
have
changed Stella. I've changed so much since I've met you. Whether it was my own doing that changed my direction towards being a 'better' demon, or you have done it for me, I don't care anymore. I just want to be with you. That's what feels right."
My eyes start to brim with tears. Ash grabs me in a hug as I bury my face in his t-shirt. I breathe his scent in deeply, crying and creating a lovely wet spot on his chest. I suddenly feel the need to confess myself to him. My awful moods swings and vicious tirades.
"I've been a really bad person Ash. I've treated all my friends like crap, yelled at Gabby, my Dad. How could anyone think that my 'destiny' is something good or special? I don't know who I am anymore? All I know is that I've acted like a real Shit to the people who actually love me. I just thought that I was acting that way because of my true demonic nature. It felt like a drug I couldn't get enough of. When I was in the moment I was euphoric. The more I rebelled the higher I was. Then that moment would pass and it would change to something that felt completely wrong. How is THAT possible? Shouldn't it have felt really wrong to me all along? Shouldn't I have known better?"
Ash continues to stroke my hair heaving a sigh.
"I don't know. I really don't know. I know we crave chaos, and believe me I've felt that way before too. Doing bad things would excite me in the past. Lately, though, for the past few years, I think I can safely say that I have felt remorse which is a foreign feeling to our true demonic nature. Being around humans does make you more sympathetic, but that was never me. Or at least I didn't think it was. After hearing your mothers theories, I'm not really sure who I am anymore either."
I peel back from him and look up into his eyes. It would feel so good right now to lose myself in him, let him get close to me, touch my skin and forget the uncertainty for awhile. I can tell he's thinking the same thing as his pulse quickens and he gently brushes the tears from my face and down my neck, sending shivers up my body. I lean in and close my eyes, ready to feel his heat melt me from the inside out, but instead a swift breeze rushes my skin and whips my hair back as I snap open my eyes to the door being flung open by someone I have never seen before.