‘I know.’ That was all she’d been thinking about, for hours. She hadn’t slept, and her whole body ached with nervous tension. ‘You’re not the only one to tell me so.’ Shane, for instance. Though he’d been quiet about it, and gentle. It wasn’t that she was angry with him – God, no – but she needed, desperately, to make sure that he trusted her as much as she trusted him. She loved him, that was what made it so, so hard to do this. She
needed
him. But he’d screwed up, big time, in believing a big lie about her told by one of their enemies. He’d actually believed that she’d been sneaking around behind his back, with his best friend, Michael.
She needed to think about how she felt about that disappointment on her own, but all she could really think right at this moment was how much she wanted to feel his warm, strong arms wrapped around her, his body shielding her from the cold. How much she wanted one more kiss, one more whisper, one more … everything.
‘The world out there isn’t like it is here,’ Myrnin said. ‘I know it hasn’t been easy for you here – and I’ve been a significant part of your challenges, as well. But Claire, I do know something of the world – I have been in it for hundreds of years, and although technology changes, people are little different, then or now. They are afraid, and they use that fear to excuse their own actions – whether it is theft or hatred, violence or murder. People bond themselves into families and groups for protection, and strangers … strangers are always at risk.’
He was right. She’d come into Morganville a stranger, and she’d been at risk … until she’d found her group, her family, her place.
Claire took in a deep breath. She kicked sand with her sneaker toe, and said, ‘Then I’ll find my group there, where I’m going. You know I can do it. I did it here.’
‘Here, you are exceptional,’ he said. ‘There, who knows? They might not value you as much as we do.’
He’d put his finger on her greatest fear … the fear of not being the best. Of being just … average, like everybody else. She’d always worked so hard to excel, worked at it with a passion that was close to fear; going to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology was the Holy Grail of that quest, but it also came with a double-edged risk. What if she wasn’t good enough? What if everybody else was faster, better, smarter, stronger? She
couldn’t
fail. She couldn’t. ‘I’ll be fine,’ she said, and forced a confident smile. ‘I can do this.’
He sighed, then, and shrugged. ‘Yes. Yes, I imagine that you can,’ he said. ‘I wish it was otherwise. I’d rather you stayed here, safe.’
‘Safe!’ She burst out laughing, which made him give her a hurt look … but really, it was ridiculous. Nothing about Morganville, Texas was truly
safe
… it took a vampire to even suggest that. ‘I – never mind. Maybe being safe isn’t the best thing all the time. I need to be sure who I am out there, Myrnin. I need to be
Claire
, for a while, and find out who I am, deep down. Not part of something else that’s so much more – confident than I am.’
Or someone else
. Because it wasn’t just Shane, it was Myrnin as well.
He looked at her directly, then, with those warm dark eyes that seemed so human and yet, at the same time, were so very not. He’d seen so much – ages, generations, all kinds of horror and death, brilliance and beauty. And it showed. ‘I will miss you, Claire. You know that.’
‘I know,’ she said, and couldn’t look away. She wanted to, but Myrnin’s gaze held hers like a magnet. ‘I’ll miss you too.’
He flew at her and embraced her, a sudden and awkward kind of thing; he was too strong, and too fast, and it drew a startled little squeak from her as her body remembered all too well how it felt to have fangs sinking into her neck … but then he was gone again, stepping away, turning toward the horizon where pink was painting the hills and scrub brush of the desert. The wind was cold, and picking up speed.
‘You should go,’ Claire said, and got control of her pounding heart, somehow. ‘My parents are on the way. They’ll be here any minute.’
‘A very poor escort I’d be to leave you out here in the dark, prey for anything,’ he said. ‘Highwaymen, and all that.’
‘Myrnin, there haven’t been highwaymen in at least a hundred years. Probably more.’
‘Robbers, then. Serial killers. The modern bogeyman under the bed, yes? Bad men skulking in the darkness have always been there, and always will.’ He flashed a smile at her, which was made unsettling by the
extra-long
eyeteeth, but he was still glancing uneasily at the horizon. Myrnin was old; he wouldn’t burst into flames with the rise of the sun, but he’d be uncomfortably scorched. ‘I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept.’
‘More than a little,’ she sighed, and caught sight of car headlights speeding over the crest of the far hill.
Mom and Dad.
She felt a little surge of excitement, but it was quickly overwhelmed with a huge wave of sadness and longing. It felt different from what she expected, leaving Morganville … leaving her friends behind. Leaving
Shane
. ‘They’re coming. You should go.’
‘Should I not see you off?’
‘In that get-up?’
Myrnin looked down at himself, baffled. ‘It’s most elegant!’
‘When you were partying down with Beethoven, maybe, but today you look like you’re on your way to a fancy dress ball.’
‘So I ought to have worn the casual shirt with it, then?’
Claire almost smiled at the idea of one of his loud Hawaiian shirts thrown on over breeches and boots. ‘God, no. You look great. Just not … period appropriate. So go on, I’ll be fine, okay?’
He looked at the car, coming fast toward them, and finally nodded. ‘All right,’ he said. ‘Professor Anderson will be expecting you. Don’t forget, you can use the telephone to call me.’
He seemed proud he’d remembered that – modern tech not being his strongest skill – and Claire struggled not to roll her eyes. ‘I won’t forget,’ she said. ‘You’d better get in your car. Sun’s coming up, I don’t want you to get burnt.’
It was. She could see the hot gold edge of it just cresting the hill to the east, and the sky above had turned a dark indigo blue. In minutes, it’d be full daylight, and Myrnin needed to be under cover.
He nodded to her, and gave her a formal, antique bow, which looked weirdly perfect in that outfit. ‘Be careful,’ he said. ‘Not all dangers have a vampire’s fangs. Or a vampire’s predictability.’ He moved fast to the driver’s side of his car, opened the door, and then hesitated for one second more to say, ‘I will miss you very much, Claire.’
He slammed the door and turned the engine on before she could say, ‘I’ll miss you too, Myrnin.’ And then he was gone, roaring back into Morganville’s town limits …
… He rocketed past yet
another
car that was going way too fast out of Morganville. Claire’s ride was still a couple of miles away, heading in … this car was heading
out
, toward her.
And she knew that car very well.
The big black hearse skidded to a halt just at the border of the billboard. In fact, it fishtailed sideways as it stopped, and the passenger door flew open so hard Claire was surprised it didn’t break off … and then her boyfriend Shane was hurtling out of it, heading for her at a run.
‘No,’ he blurted, and threw his arms around her. ‘You don’t get to go like that.’
She felt stiff for a moment, with shock and fear of the pain that was coming, but then the familiar lines and planes of his body made her relax against him. Two halves, fitting as if they’d been moulded that way, despite the fact he towered over her. And then she was kissing him, or he was kissing her, and it was wild and hot and desperate and agonising and heartbreaking, and when they finally broke with a gasp she rested her forehead against his chest. She could feel him breathing too fast, hear his heartbeat pounding too loudly.
I’m doing this to him
, she thought.
He’s hurting and it’s my fault.
But she knew she wasn’t wrong about this. She loved Shane, loved him with so much certainty it was like sunrise, but she also knew that he had to see her differently – and she needed to see herself differently, if they were going to last. When he’d met her she’d been helpless, defenceless, and now she needed to prove she was not just his equal, but his independent equal.
Whether he – or she – liked it or not.
Over at the car, Michael had gotten out of the driver’s side and was leaning against the fender; he seemed content to wait, but he was also eyeing the horizon, where the sun was rising fast. In minutes, he’d be bathed in light, and at his very young vampire age, that was not good.
Claire put her hand on Shane’s cheek, a silent promise, and then dashed over to Michael to throw her arms around him. In the thin dawn light, he looked human again – skin tinted pink, eyes the endless clear blue of a summer sky. He kissed her cheek and hugged her with careful strength. ‘You didn’t really think we’d let you get away with no goodbyes, did you?’
‘No,’ she said.
He kissed her forehead, very gently. ‘Come back safe, and come back soon,’ he whispered to her. ‘We love you.’
‘Love you too, Michael,’ she said, and stepped back. ‘You’d better get inside.’
He nodded and retreated to the car’s blacked-out back bench seats – vampire tinting was way better than anything on human cars, and it would keep him safe from the fierce Texas day – and then it was Eve’s turn.
Michael’s wife hadn’t taken time to get properly dressed; she looked exactly as if she’d bounced out of bed in her cartoon bat pyjama bottoms and tank top, with her dyed-black hair in a messy scraped-together knot at the back of her head. She still had sleep wrinkles on her cheek, and without her Goth make-up, she looked ridiculously young. She was also wearing vampire bunny slippers. Myrnin had given them each a pair for Christmas, since they’d all found his so hilarious, and as Eve marched toward Claire, the rabbit slippers’ mouths flapped up and down, their red tongues flashing and plush teeth biting the ground.
Not outdoor wear, but Eve clearly didn’t give a crap.
‘Hey,’ she said, stopping a couple of feet away and crossing her arms. ‘So. There’s this, then.’
‘Yeah,’ Claire said. ‘I just – I couldn’t—’
‘Couldn’t woman up and say goodbye? Jesus, Claire Bear, you didn’t even leave a
note
! How could you do that?’
There was no defence to that. It was true. She’d figured that the goodnights they’d said were also goodbyes, but now … now she knew that they weren’t. Shane’s twisted anguish had told her that, and so did Eve’s tears, shining unshed in her eyes.
Claire moved forward, and Eve uncrossed her arms just in time to receive the embrace. ‘Idiot,’ Eve said. ‘Dork. Loser. So, you’re just going to run off in the dark and … and leave us … and …’ She was crying now, and Claire felt the hot tears on her shoulder soaking through her sweater. ‘And we might never see you again, and I love you, Claire, you’re like my little sister, and—’
‘I’m coming back,’ Claire said. She hung on fiercely, while Eve bawled and let it all out. ‘I swear, I’m coming back. You can’t get rid of me like that.’
‘I don’t
want
to get rid of you!’ Eve’s balled-up fists hit her back, but softly, lacking any force. ‘God!’
There was only one thing to do, and that was let her cry it out, and Claire did, fighting back a rising tide of tears herself. This was why she’d tried to sneak away … not because she didn’t love all of them, but because the goodbyes were so, so painful.
Her parents’ minivan rolled up to the sign, pulled to the shoulder, and Claire heard the engine shut off. She patted Eve’s back a few more times until her best friend gave a shuddering nod and stepped away.
‘Hello, pumpkin,’ Claire’s father said, and smiled at her from the driver’s side window. He looked tired, she thought, and it shocked her how much more grey there was in his hair. He didn’t look well, though her mother had assured her he was doing much better. ‘Ready to go?’
‘Almost,’ she said. ‘Couple of minutes?’
‘Take your time.’ He looked as if he understood, but it was definitely the Dad Look that he levelled at Shane – the disapproving, not-good-enough up and down assessment.
Shane didn’t notice, and even if he had, he probably wouldn’t have much cared at the moment. He closed the distance between them as Claire came back, and although he didn’t put his arms around her, the feeling of an embrace settled around her.
Safe. Safe, with him.
‘I don’t like this,’ he said. ‘I don’t like knowing you can’t forgive me, Claire. Please, I said I was sorry, what do you want me to do? Beg? I will. I’ll get on my knees right here if you want, in front of your dad—’
‘No!’ she blurted. ‘No, it’s – I’m not angry, really, I’m not. But I need this.
I
need it. I don’t ask for anything for myself, but this is mine, Shane. It won’t be for long, but it gives us time to – to see if we’re really strong apart, like we are together.’
She also needed him to understand that he’d screwed up, and she couldn’t be one of those doormat girls … ready to forgive him when he did unforgivable things. He hadn’t trusted her word. He’d believed – despite what he knew about her – that she’d been sneaking around behind his back, with Michael, which, well,
never
.
And so she couldn’t fall for the fast, easy apology. Not even here, on his knees, in front of her father, which was about as extreme as it could get.
Tears clogged her throat again, and when she saw he was serious about it, she reached out and grabbed his hands. Big hands, scarred over the knuckles from fights; gentle hands, too, when it counted. Hands she loved, especially when, like now, they rose up and touched her burning cheeks, cradled them in coolness. His thumbs traced her cheekbones softly, and he bent closer to whisper, ‘I am so sorry, Claire. Please. Please don’t go away.’
‘I—’ She closed her eyes because she felt dizzy, pulled by the force of his wanting, and even a deep breath didn’t set that right. ‘Shane, I have to go. I
have
to
. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you, or that I won’t come back.’ She opened her eyes and met his fierce, desperate gaze. ‘I said I’d marry you someday. I still mean it, if you mean it.’