Authors: Peter F. Hamilton
"Alan, we've got to find you a girl before your mind goes into meltdown from hormone overload," Vinnie said. "You're getting worse every day. You are coming tonight, aren't you?"
"Course I am, this party was my goddamn idea, remember?"
Lawrence could remember Roselyn and Nadia saying the team should all go out together after the game to either celebrate or commiserate. He chose not to mention it at that point "We should ask a few extra girls along," Richard said.
The idea of Richard even knowing a few extra girls was also something Lawrence kept quiet about. Richard had been going steady with Barbara for ages.
One
extra girl, and she'd kill him.
"Don't you worry about me, mate," Alan said in his most annoyingly cocky voice. "I've got a foolproof system to get laid."
"What?" Nigel snorted. It was supposed to be contemptuous, but a small note of interest had crept in.
The changing room magically quietened down as the other guys in the team just happened to overhear Alan's brag. Not that any of them needed a system, but it never hurt to know.
"Simple," Alan said, delighted by his audience. "My mate, Steve, you remember him, the bright one that went to university last year? Yeah. Well, he swears this works; he does it all the time. You go into the party and look around to find the most beautiful girl there. Then you walk straight up to her and say: will you sleep with me tonight?"
There was a moment of silence as the rugby team absorbed this news.
"Crap."
"You asshole."
"That's such a bunch of shit"
A shoe thrown by a disbeliever hit Alan's leg. He yelped and searched around for the offender. "Hey, look, I'm not kidding around here," he exclaimed. "Steve says it works. He gets laid every weekend. Seriously."
"Oh yeah," John jeered. "And the most beautiful girl in the room takes one look at a toxic midget like you and just says yes."
"Well, maybe," Alan said. "If you get really lucky."
"I think I'll stick to the traditional method of giving her too much to drink," Lawrence muttered.
The noise level rose. People started getting dressed again.
"Hey,
listen,"
Alan protested. "This is statistics. That's solid mathematics. It can't fail."
"But you just said this mythical supermodel was likely to turn you down," Nigel complained.
"So? Doesn't matter. You find the second-most-beautiful girl, and ask her the same thing. If she says no, you just keep moving along down the beauty scale until one of them says yes."
John's expression was pitying. "Alan,
none
of them are going to say yes. Not to that."
"Yes, they will. They're at the party for exactly the same reason we are. It's just that they're not as honest about it as we are."
"You're lecturing on honesty," Lawrence said. "Oh, my sweet Fate. We're doomed."
"Girls like you being honest," Alan insisted.
"They like politeness and flattery a lot more," Richard said.
"Most of them most of the time, yeah. But this is a party, right? They've been drinking, the evening's moving on and they haven't scored yet. One of them's bound to say yes. It's statistics. I told you."
Vinnie's despair had caused his head to sink into his hands. "Alan," he asked, "do you ever wonder why you haven't got a girlfriend yet?"
"Hey, I've had hundreds of girls, okay."
"When?" Lawrence demanded. "Tell us when this system ever got you a girl."
"Tonight."
"I knew it. You're talking bullshit."
"Durr! No! This is completely for real. Steve's screwed half the babes on campus. It's amazing. You've just got to have the balls to use it."
"Your balls have got to be where your brain is before you'll use it, more like," John grunted dourly.
Alan jabbed his thumb proudly against his chest. "Listen, mate, I'm the one that's going to get laid tonight. It's you sad joes who'll be left propping up the bar and going home all by yourselves. I'm telling you, it works."
The party, like all parties, started out with good intentions. At seven-thirty, the first fifteen team and friends headed over to Hillier's, which was in a dome they could all walk to. It was a big old club buried under a residential tower, with three main oval-shaped sections comprising lounge, dance floor, and brasserie, that joined together at a central circular bar. In its heyday, Hillier's had been the center for younger members of Board families, a place where the jazzy hung out and the pool sharks lay in wait. But time and fashion had moved on.
Now it was the even younger members of second-echelon families who congregated there in the evening. They, of course, thought it was superb, a real nightclub that didn't kick up a fuss and ask for proof of age at the door. Hillier's couldn't afford to get that choosy about its paying customers anymore. And these kids did seem to have access to large amounts of money.
The plan was to start with a meal, then move on to a drinking and dancing session. When Lawrence arrived, the boys were all in the lounge, having a drink before hitting the brasserie for something to eat.
"You're late," Vinnie said. He was already on his second beer.
"I had some news," Lawrence said modestly. He'd thought he was in for another lecture when he got home after the match. His father had called him up into the study, and he was never summoned there for any other reason. But when he arrived, his father was smiling as he held out a sheet of hard copy. "Thought you might want to see this," Doug Newton said blithely.
Lawrence took the sheet from his father with some trepidation and began to read. It was a provisional acceptance from Templeton University, offering him a place to study general science and managerial strategy.
Doug clapped his son on the back. "You did it, my boy. Congratulations. I didn't even have to pull any strings."
Lawrence had just stared at the sheet, elated and frightened by what it meant. Everybody applied to Templeton University: the candidate rejection rate was 80 percent. "Only if I get the qualifying grades in my final exams," he said cautiously.
"Lawrence, Lawrence, what are we going to do with you? You'll get them. We both know that. The way you've turned your schoolwork around these last couple of years, you'll probably get a distinction." He gripped his son's shoulders. "I'm proud of you. Genuinely proud."
"Thanks, Dad."
"You off to celebrate tonight? I heard you won the game."
"Some of us are thinking of going down to Hillier's, yeah."
"That old place still going, huh? Ah well, good for you. But I think you deserve something a bit more tangible for this result. I've booked you in for ten days at Orchy. You can go skiing on Barclay's. How does that sound?"
"Pretty amazing!" His enthusiasm faded. "Uh..."
"It's for two," Doug had said gently. "If you have a friend you'd like to take."
Lawrence looked around Hillier's lounge. "Where's Roselyn?"
"Haven't seen her yet." Nigel signaled the barmaid for two beers. She was in her mid-twenties, and immune from his hopeful boyish smiles.
"Oh." Lawrence kept looking. "What about Alan?"
"Am I your personal news trawler? He's around somewhere, talking to a girl."
"What?" Lawrence gaped at Nigel. "You don't mean his system worked?"
"Oh, get fucking real," Nigel exclaimed. The barmaid frowned at his language and put the beers down in front of him without saying a word. Nigel winced at her departing back, then glared at Lawrence. "Thanks."
"You're as bad as Alan. A girl like that and you is never going to happen."
"Maybe if I left a big tip..."
"Don't even think it." Lawrence picked up his glass and took a sip. The beer was so cold it disguised any taste. "So how is Alan doing?"
"One slap on the face, two cocktails thrown at him, and he's been told to piss off a few times as well," Vinnie said happily. "We're thinking of running a book on it."
"Put me down for a day five years hence." Lawrence saw Roselyn moving across the lounge and waved. She was in a green dress that had a big oval patch open at the front to show off her navel. Whatever she wore, she always looked sensational. It was just a knack she had. But as usual it made Lawrence terribly self-conscious about his own clothes. He worried that his bronze-shimmer jacket would look awfully crass beside her.
Roselyn arrived at the bar at the same time Alan staggered in from the other side. A long strip of pink toilet paper was tucked into the back of his trousers. Half of the lounge clientele were mesmerized by this flimsy tail sliding along the floor behind him.
"Damnit," Alan whined. "They're all playing hard to get."
"Who are?" Roselyn asked.
"All the babes." Alan glanced around accusingly at his friends. "Did you guys warn them?"
Nigel bent over, his face radiating martyred dismay, and tugged the toilet paper free. "We didn't have to."
"What?" Alan did a double take at the paper. "Oh, thanks. It must have got stuck in my cleft. My round." He clicked his fingers loudly at the barmaid. "Oi, how about some service?"
"I have some news," Lawrence told Roselyn.
She grinned. "Me too."
"You first."
"No, you."
They both laughed.
"Ladies first," Lawrence said.
"I'm going to throw up," Alan muttered.
"Okay." Roselyn fished round in her small handbag and produced a memory chip. "I'm late because I was downloading this from the
Eilean's
communication AS; it's just arrived in orbit. Judith sent me another series."
Lawrence gagged in wonder. He took the chip from her hands with a great deal of reverence. "Series six?" he asked.
"Uh-huh." She accepted a margarita from John and carefully wiped the salt from a section of the rim. "The last one."
"Hellfire. The final episode. I wonder if they get home."
Roselyn cocked an eyebrow demurely. "Only one way to find out. Oh, and there was some stuff from the fan site, too. Half a dozen series-related i-games, I think, and a whole load of generated graphic follow-ons."
"Fantastic."
"Damn." Alan grinned at Roselyn. "This is a moment like that stunt your God does. What is it? Oh yeah, he turns up again or something."
"The Second Coming of The Christ. A time of revelation throughout the universe."
"That's the one." Alan raised his beer glass. "Here's to Lawrence finally finding out what happened to a bunch of jerkoff actors when they asked for a pay raise in series seven."
"There was a proper story arc," Lawrence protested. Too late he realized the fatal mistake of letting Alan know you cared about something.
"Whoo ho! I was right, it's a revelation! Please, Lawrence, do us all a big favor and get a life."
"Alan?" Roselyn asked in a voice tinged with curiosity. "Do you know that girl?"
"Which one?'
"Over there, in the blue top."
"Her?" His glass slopped about in the girl's general direction as he laughed his short dirty laugh. "Damn, see what you mean, two puppies wrestling in a blue sack."
Roselyn's face remained serene. "Yes. Her."
"Never seen her before in my life, Your Honor. And I would definitely remember." He drained the last of his beer and burped. Fortunately, he'd ordered too many, so there was a fresh glass he could lift straight off the bar.
Over Alan's head, Lawrence gave Vinnie a frantic grimace and mouthed: "When did he start?"
Vinnie shrugged helplessly.
"She's been looking at you," Roselyn said.
"Fuck! Really?" Alan laughed again and poked Richard in the chest. "I told you. It's statistics." He straightened himself up and walked over to the girl. There was a momentary flash of panic on her face when she saw him approach.
"Remind me never to annoy you," Nigel told Roselyn.
Lawrence was wincing as he followed Alan's progress. "I'm not sure I can watch this. The pain level's too high."
"So what did you want to tell me?" Roselyn asked.
"Oh, yes." The joy returned to Lawrence's life. He pocketed the memory chip. "I got a letter from Templeton University today."
Roselyn's gaze was one of pure admiration as he explained about his preliminary acceptance and the skiing trip. "I knew you could do it, Lawrence," she murmured quietly. "Well done." She kissed him just below his ear.
"What about your mother?" he asked apprehensively. "Do you think she'll let you come to Orchy with me?"
"You leave her to me."
His hands went around her, pressing into the small of her back. "Sounds good to me." They kissed. He could taste the sharp tang of the margarita on her lips.
"Er, guys, I think we should get over there," Vinnie said.
Alan was so engrossed with making obscene small talk to the girl in the blue top that he hadn't noticed her boyfriend standing behind him.