Authors: Quiana
I kicked myself in the head for my crazy antics this summer.
What was wrong with me?
I was acting like a reckless 21 year old! I never thought about getting drug tested and now this was the scariest thought in the world. Most of al it would be embarrassing to get caled into the office and fired for failing a drug test! With the weed and pils in my system, I knew there was no way that I would pass the test. But, there wasn’t a date on the poster so I could only hope I had enough time to get my urine clean.
Trying not to look obvious and concerned, I casualy made my way back to my desk as the others gossiped about the new changes that were about to come. I instantly sent numerous texts to Kai hoping that he would offer some assistance with getting my system clean. I knew that I was burden in the household and losing my job would only make it worst. Kai’s advice was to drink lots of water with vinegar to clean out my system. That was al he said which wasn’t very comforting. I sent a few more texts asking if he was going to be home when I got in and about how upset I was, but al he said was
yes.
I was hoping for a bit more to get me through the day but he ended the conversation with that. I couldn’t concentrate on my work or any task in front of me al I could think about was the drug test.
When I got home that evening, al I wanted to eat for dinner was galon of water mixed with apple cider vinegar. Kicking off my shoes as soon as I got through the door the house was totaly silent. I took a brief moment to be upset that Kai wasn’t home for me to talk to like he said he would be, but the moment was very brief because I was focused on the water. I didn’t want to waste much time on self-pity because my mind was in action mode. To my surprise Kai was sitting at the kitchen table concocting together a formula for me to drink. A sigh of relief blessed my body to see that he was actualy helping.
“Oh thank you so much Kai!” I kissed him on the cheek but it appeared to have little effect on him.
“Yea it’s cool because we can’t have to out of a job and a home.” His stab left me looking at him slanted but he never turned around to notice.
Out of a job and home? What was he trying to say? I wasn’t sure if he meant my old home or this one. I didn’t want to fight, I was too exhausted to take it there with him but the woman in me had to know what he was implying. I damn sure wasn’t going to let a child disrespect me. Yes, that fast he went from being a man to a child and I damn sure knew how to put a child in a child’s place!
“So what are you saying if I lose my job you’re going to put me out?”
The animal in me came out quicker than I could control ready for a battle. Like a lioness I was ready to pounce on my prey. I had been through too much and let too much go for him to even try to play me over losing a job.
“What I’m saying is drink the water Ramae.” Now I was realy beginning to get upset. Not only was he disregarding my question but he stil hadn’t turned around to look me in the face while talking to me.
“No tel me what you meant by that!” I poked some more at the question. “Because after al that I risked you not gonna play me Kai!”
“You trippin right now! Al I was saying was we not gonna have you out of a job and a home. Aren’t you out of a home? You don’t pay shit around here your name’s not on anything right? Wel then we can’t have you out of a job too! You not gonna be sitting around my house al day poppin pils, that’s eating in my book and I don’t let nobody eat off of me.”
This boy was realy out of his mind right now. He was talking to me as if I was some straight bum bitch living off his land. To top it al off he was talking to me as if I had a pil problem. It wasn’t a problem when he talked about how wet I got when I was high, and it wasn’t a problem when he would give me my own stash whenever I asked for it. He was the one offering me weed to smoke with him al the time, but now I was an addict in his eyes? People wil switch up on you when it’s in their favor.
“Makai who gave me those pils? Now you want to play like it was al me and I’m an addict to you now? If me being here is such a problem then I can go!”
“Where you gonna go? And yes you do seem like an addict. Nobody gave you those pils you took one by accident and liked how it made you feel. You think I don’t notice when some are missing? I notice everything. Of course I’m gonna keep fuckin you while your high it’s better for me. Look at you, you losing weight and what not, that shit don’t look good. I liked you how you were when I met you. I liked the woman you were when you were back in your house. Al you want to do now is come home pop a pil and fuck. You barely eat anymore and I know you’re concerned about gaining weight around me. You runnin around here wearing tight clothes on the weekends dressing like a 23 year old. Mae I liked you when you were a woman, now you’re acting like a chick my age. I could have a chick my age for al that I don’t need no 40 year old 23 year old. That shit ain’t cute, it’s embarrassing when my friends come around and you al high.
You think that’s what I want representing me? I guess you’re trying to fit in but your too old for peer pressure. You need to get yourself together. Damn how you think Jason feel? I had a talk with him the other day about you and how everything went down. He said you never even cal to talk to him. Don’t throw everything you know and love away because of me.”
“I can’t believe you”
“I’m just teling you what you need to hear.”
“Who the fuck asked you to al of a sudden care?” I spat.
“Ramae, you need to calm the fuck down.”
“Calm down? You ruined my life.”
“I ruined your life?”
“Yes”
“That’s what you’ve convinced yourself? I ruined your life?”
I regretted my words. Before he could finish his rant I left the room and ran upstairs to hold back my tears. The air felt tight in the house and I gasped for air as the hurt escaped from my body. After a rough day, hel a rough summer, he found a way to make it worse. He didn’t love me and he damn sure didn’t have my back. As the tears ran down my face I wiped them away to stop the salty liquid from touching my lips. His words cut straight to my heart and would not be forgiven. I looked in the mirror trying to come to terms with everything he said, I thought I looked good. Yes I had lost a lot of weight but what’s wrong with losing weight? I didn’t look like a smoker I just looked like someone who had lost a few pounds. My style of dress had changed up a bit but not to the point I was dressing inappropriately for my age. I had more sense than that. But I did experiment with new hair, makeup and some new clothes just to make him happy. I didn’t know Kai was looking for a mother figure.
Al this time I was being the person I needed or thought I needed to be to keep him interested in me. Now I was realizing l looked like nothing but a fool living a young man’s house. A man who barely spoke to me, spent time with me or even cared for me anymore. His friends looked at me like some old hag trying to fit in and even worse some piled up old head. They probably joked about me al the time and there was no teling the reason Kai was teling them for me staying in his house.
The loud bang of the front door slamming let me know that the house was clear and that I could comfortably walk the house.
Downstairs to the kitchen I went feeling more alone then I could ever recal in my life. I started drinking the water and planning for a better day. I wanted to cal Jason but a part of me was stil too ashamed to mend that relationship. I couldn’t believe that Kai would go behind my back and talk to him about our relationship with Jason without talking to me about it first! I hated the fact that I didn’t have a clue what was said.
Too much of my world had slipped through my fingers and it was time for me to close them tight, make a fist, and grab a hold of the things unfolding around me. I began planning my too do list in my head as I inhaled glasses of the bitter water into my system. The first thing on my list was to talk to Jalal about his future and the choice that he had made. The next was to cal Planned Parenthood to schedule an appointment. Those were two major issues that needed to get out of the way. The next was to find a way to get in good graces with Jay. I needed a second chance more then I needed him. I needed to prove that I was grateful for everything that we had built together and that I could be the woman I once was. I would go to marriage counseling, therapy or whatever we could to help mend what we had. I just needed his open ear and heart to at least listen to what I had to say. I also made a note to talk to my oldest son. I was avoiding him due to the bad choices that I made, and I knew he would never see me in the same light. Regardless I was his mother, and I knew that in time he would heal like al things do. He may never truly forgive me but he would give me a chance.
************************************************
After talking to Jalal and Kahliyah and apologizing for my reaction to the news of the baby I found myself in the waiting room of the clinic with sweaty palms. Something about the cold immaculate space that doctor offices occupy always made me a nervous wreck.
Everything about them was uncomfortable. Time seemed to take it’s time in waiting rooms moving in the slowest motion possible for man to experience. I tried reading over pamphlets and parenting magazines but inside I couldn’t shake what I was feeling inside.
Finaly the nurse signaled that I could come back and I quickly did as I was prompted. Back in the room she was al smiling faces but mine was stuck in once place. I should’ve been happy. I couldn’t gather the emotions that I wanted to feel in this typical circumstance.
“Congratulations your six weeks pregnant.” The nurse said.
“I’m not surprised, or happy.” I huffed.
“I’m sure you wil need some time to take it in.”
I knew I was pregnant, I knew for some time. I had three boys so I knew the symptoms my body produced when I was expecting but I was in total denial. Denial is what encouraged me to keep doing drugs and drinking because I couldn’t believe that I was pregnant. I waited as long as I did to take a test just because I didn’t want to come to terms with reality.
There was no way that I was going to have a baby by Kai. No way at al. How could I ever show my face around my family walking around with a child by my son’s ex friend? Who is only an ex friend because I slept with him and broke up my marriage. No there was no need for anyone to know about this baby, not even Kai. I shut the nurse down before she could even finish her happy parenting speech and requested information on getting an abortion. I assume that she didn’t normaly get abortion request by women my age by how she appeared to be taken back a bit by my request. Either that or my forwardness about the situation was so blunt that I came off cold towards my unborn child.
Regardless she gave me the information and I went to the front desk to schedule my appointment. There was no shame in my game. I made the appointment for the information session on abortions and tried to schedule my actual abortion but they told me I had to wait until after the first one. I could’ve went straight to the abortion appointment because there was no changing my mind. If they would’ve told me that I could’ve walked straight to the back and got it over with I would’ve done my Mummer’s strut al the way down to the operation room. I was always a pro-life person until the life was growing inside of me. Now I was on the other side of the picket fence with no remorse at al. It looked like Kahliyah and I would be going through this together.
I didn’t feel the least bit sorry for myself or angry at Kai. I just took it for what it was. I was having sex with him and wasn’t using protection, what happens when you do that? You get pregnant. There was also the fact that I already knew what I wanted to do. I wasn’t a young girl left to make the decision of starting a family or dealing with a man that I wasn’t sure what the future held. I had my family and I knew there wasn’t a future for Kai and I. Our little fantasy had gone too far and was coming to an end. Even if Kai wanted to keep the baby I wouldn’t have done it. Yes it would’ve been nice to give a man his first child, but I’ve accomplished that already. And who knew, maybe this was the little girl that I always wanted growing inside of me. That was a thought I would just have to live with for the rest of my life because I didn’t want her bad enough to find out.
Home life would never be the same. Too many life changing events had occurred for me to look at Kai the same. I began to hate the child that was tying me to him inside of me and I couldn’t wait to go to my appointment. As I waited for the next 48 hours to pass I kept my distance from Kai. He didn’t seem to mind because he always needed an excuse to be out the house. He was gone and I didn’t just mean in the physical sense. He was far from being intrigued by me anymore. The fling that we had was filed with more drama than anything and it was a countless trial of testing boundaries, for him anyway. I guess it was just the thril of the situation that kept him around but the fact was we had very little in common. At one point I thought we did. It appeared that our motherless backgrounds and the shalow things that we shared would give us grounds to meet on. Overal we were nowhere near being the same person. Whoever said opposites attract was a liar. Opposites only attract when referring to magnets not people. He could never offer what I needed in a man and I was too far past the woman he needed to have. I had traveled so far back into time to be the woman I thought he needed and I never thought that if I needed to change he didn’t need me around in the first place. While he was gone I would spend time online apartment searching but I stil hoped that I could return to my home.
On top of everything I needed my hair done. As a woman when your appearance is off and your house isn’t clean it affects your whole way of thinking. My dew was past being in need of being done, but I wouldn’t dare cal Tiffany. I had played with it myself for a couple of days but I was hardly a hairdresser! I caled my old girl Vicki to make an appointment, it was time to take the weave out and start fresh. I needed to find the real me underneath of al this mess. I was ready for some changes, a lot of changes.