Authors: Abbi Glines
The sigh of relief I expected when I drove under the first out of only three traffic lights in Sumit, Alabama didn’t come. The numbness had taken over completely on my seven-hour drive. The words I’d heard my father say about my mother replayed over and over in my head until I couldn’t feel anything for anyone.
I turned left at traffic light number two and headed for the cemetery. I needed to talk to momma before I checked into the only motel in town. I wanted to let her know that I didn’t believe any of it. I knew what kind of woman she was. What kind of mother she was. No one would ever compare. She’d been my rock when she’d been the one dying. Never had I feared that she’d walk away from me.
The gravel parking lot was empty. The last time I’d been here most of the town had come to pay their last respects to my mom. Today the afternoon sun was fading away and the shadows were the only company I had.
Stepping out of my truck, I swallowed the lump that had risen in my throat. Being here again. Knowing she was here but she wasn’t. I walked down the path to her grave wondering if anyone had come to see her while I’d been gone. She had friends. Surely someone had stopped by with fresh flowers. My eyes stung. I didn’t like thinking she’d been left alone for weeks. I was glad that I’d had them bury her beside Valerie. It had made the walking away easier.
The fresh patch of dirt was now covered in grass. Mr. Murphy had told me he would cover it in sod for free. I hadn’t been able to pay any extra. Seeing the green grass made me feel like she was properly covered as silly as that sounded. Her grave looked just like Valerie’s now. The headstone wasn’t as fancy as my sister’s. It was a simple; it had been all I could afford. I’d spent hours trying to decide exactly what I wanted it to say.
Rebecca Hanson Wynn
April 19, 1967 - June 2, 2012
The love she left behind will be the reason dreams are reached. She was the rock in a world that was crumbling. Her strength will remain. It’s in our hearts.
The family that loved me was no longer here. Standing here looking at their graves it rang home how alone I really was. I didn’t have family anymore. I would never acknowledge my father’s existence after this day.
“I didn’t expect you back so soon.” I’d heard the gravel crunch behind me and I’d known without turning around who it was. I didn’t look at him. I wasn’t ready yet. He’d see through me. Cain had been my friend since kindergarten. The year we’d become something more it was just expected. I’d loved him for years.
“My life is here,” I replied simply.
“I tried to argue that point a few weeks ago.” The touch of humor in his voice didn’t go unnoticed. He liked being right. He always had.
“I thought I needed my father’s help. I didn’t.”
The gravel crunched a little more as he stepped up beside me. “He still an ass?”
I only nodded. I wasn’t ready to tell Cain just what an ass my father was. I couldn’t voice that right now. Saying it out loud made it real somehow. I wanted to believe it was a dream.
“You not like his new family?” Cain asked. He wouldn’t let up. He would ask me questions until I broke down and told him everything.
“How did you know I was home?” I asked, changing the subject. It would only sidetrack him for a moment but I didn’t intend to stand around long.
“You didn’t really expect to drive your truck through town and it not become the number one source of headline news within five minutes? You know this place better than that, B.”
B. He’d called me B since we were five. He had called Valerie, Ree. Nicknames. Memories. It was safe. This town was safe.
“Have I even been here five minutes?” I asked still studying the grave in front of me. My mother’s name etched in stone.
“Naw, probably not. I was sitting outside the grocery store waiting on Callie to get off work,” he trailed off. He was seeing Callie again. Not surprising. She seemed to be the one he couldn’t get out of his system.
I took a deep breath then finally turned my head and looked into his blue eyes. Emotion battled past the numbness I was hugging close to me like a cloak. This was home. This was safe. This was all what I knew.
“I’m staying,” I told him.
A grin tugged at his lips and he nodded. “I’m glad. You’ve been missed. This is where you belong, B.”
A few weeks ago I’d thought with momma gone I didn’t fit in anywhere. Maybe I had been wrong. My past was here.
“I don’t want to talk about Abe,” I told him and shifted my gaze back to my mother’s grave.
“Done. I’ll never bring him up again.”
I didn’t have to say anything else. I closed my eyes and prayed silently that my mom and sister were together and happy. Cain didn’t move. We stood there without speaking as the sun set.
When the darkness had finally settled over the cemetery, Cain slipped his hand into mine. “Come on, B. Let’s go find you somewhere to stay.”
I let him lead me back down the path and to my truck. “Will you let me take you to Granny’s? She has a guest bedroom and she’d love to have you stay there. She’s all alone in that house. She might even call me less if she has some company.”
Granny Q was Cain’s mother’s mother. She’d been my Sunday school teacher all during elementary school. She had also sent us meals once a week when my mom got too sick.
“I have some money. I was going to get a motel. I don’t want to impose on her.”
Cain let out a hard laugh, “If she finds out you’re in a hotel room she’ll show up at the door raising hell. You’ll be in her house when she’s done with you. It’s easier just to go to her house now instead of causing a scene. Besides, B there is one motel in this town. You and I both know how many date nights have ended up at that place. Major yuck factor.”
He was right.
“You don’t have to take me. I’ll go see her myself. You have Callie waiting on you,” I reminded him.
He rolled his eyes. “Don’t go there, B. You know better. Snap of your fingers, babe. Just a snap of your fingers. That’s all it would take.”
He’d been telling me that for years. It was a joke now. At least to me it was. My heart wasn’t there. Silver eyes flashed in my mind and the pain broke through the numbness. I knew where my heart was and I wasn’t sure I’d ever see it again. Not if I was going to survive.
Granny Q wouldn’t let me sit quietly. She wouldn’t let me settle. Tonight I needed peace. Solitude.
“Cain. I need this night alone. I need to think. I need to process. Tonight I need to stay at the motel. Please understand and help Granny understand. Just for tonight.”
Cain looked out over my head with a frustrated scowl. I knew he wanted to ask questions but he was being careful. “B, I hate this. I know you’re hurting. I can see it all over your face. I’ve watched you hurt for so many years. It is slowly eating me up. Talk to me, B. You need to talk to someone.”
He was right. I did need to talk to someone but right now I needed to worry about dealing internally. I’d tell him about Rosemary Beach eventually. I’d have to tell someone. Cain was the closest friend I had here.
“Give me some time,” I said, looking up at him.
“Time,” he nodded. “I’ve been giving you time for three years. I don’t see how a little more can hurt.”
I opened the truck door and climbed inside. Tomorrow I’d be ready to face the truth. The facts. I could make it… tomorrow.
“Do you have a phone? I called your old number the day after you drove off and left me here and it said it was disconnected.”
Rush. His face when he’d begged me to keep the phone he’d lied about flashed in my mind. The pain pressed through a little more.
I shook my head. “No. I don’t have one.”
Cain’s scowl deepened. “Dangit, B. You shouldn’t be without a phone.”
“I got a gun,” I reminded him.
“You still need a phone. I doubt you’ve ever pulled that thing out on anyone in your life.”
That was where he was wrong. I shrugged.
“Get one tomorrow,” he ordered. I nodded although I didn’t intend to get one then closed the truck door behind me.
I pulled back out onto the two-lane street. I drove the half mile up to the first traffic light and turned right. The motel was the second building on the left. I had never stayed here before. I had friends who had come here after prom but that was all a part of high school I only heard about in the hallways.
Paying for the night was easy enough. The girl working the desk looked familiar but she was younger than me. Probably still in high school. I got my key and headed back outside.
The shiny black Range Rover that was parked beside my truck looked so out of place here. The heart I’d thought was numb slammed hard against my chest in one painful thud as my eyes connected with Rush’s. He was standing in front of the Range Rover with his hands in his pockets watching me.
I didn’t expect to see him again. At least not this soon. I’d made it clear how I felt. How had he known to get here? I’d never told him the name of my hometown. Had my father? Did they not understand I wanted to be left alone?
A car door slammed and my attention was jerked off Rush to see Cain stepping out of the red Ford truck he’d gotten for graduation. “I’m hoping like hell you know this guy ‘cause he’s followed you here from the cemetery. I noticed him on the side of the road watching us a ways back but I didn’t say anything,” Cain said as he sauntered over to stand slightly in front of me.
“I know him,” I managed to get past the tightness in my throat.
Cain glanced back at me, “He the reason you came running home?”
No. Not really. He wasn’t what sent me running. He was what had made me want to stay. Even knowing everything we might have had was impossible.
“No,” I said, shaking my head and looking back at Rush. Even in the moonlight his face looked pained.
“Why are you here?” I asked, keeping my distance. Cain shifted more in front of me when he realized I wasn’t going near Rush.
“You’re here,” he replied.
God. How was I going to get through this again? Seeing him and knowing I couldn’t have him. What he represented would always dirty anything that I felt for him.
“I can’t do this, Rush.”
He took a step forward, “Talk to me. Please, Blaire. There is so much I need to explain.”
I shook my head and took a step backward. “No. I can’t.”
Rush cursed and shifted his gaze from me to Cain. “Could you give us a minute?” he demanded.
Cain crossed his arms over his chest and took one more step to stand in front of me. “I don’t think so. It doesn’t seem like she wants to talk to you. Can’t say I’m gonna make her. And neither are you.”
I didn’t have to see Rush to know Cain had just majorly pissed him off. If I didn’t stop them this would end badly. I stepped around Cain and walked toward Rush and the direction of my room. If we were going to talk we weren’t going to have an audience.
“It’s okay, Cain. This is my stepbrother, Rush Finlay. He already knows who you are. He wants to talk. So we are going to talk. You can leave. I’ll be fine,” I said over my shoulder and then turned to unlock room 4A.
“Stepbrother? Wait… Rush Finlay? As in Dean Finlay’s only child? Shit B, you’re related to a rock celebrity.”
I’d forgotten what a fan Cain was of rock bands. He would know all about the only son of Slacker Demon’s drummer.
“Go, Cain,” I repeated. I opened my door and stepped inside.
I put the entire length of the room between us. I didn’t stop until I was standing against the wall on the other side of the room.
Rush followed me inside and closed the door behind him. His eyes looked like they were drinking me in.
“Talk. Hurry. I want you gone,” I told him.
Rush flinched from my words. I would not allow myself to feel for him. I couldn’t.
“I love you.”
No. He was not saying that. I shook my head. No. I was not hearing this. He did not love me. He couldn’t. Love didn’t lie.
“I know my actions don’t appear to back that up but if you’d just let me explain. God, baby, I can’t stand seeing you in so much pain.”
He had no idea the extent of the pain. He had known how much I loved my mother. How important she was to me. How much she had sacrificed. He knew it all and he still didn’t tell me what they thought of my mother. What
he
thought of my mother. I couldn’t love that. Him. Anyone who mocked my mother’s memory. I could never love that. Ever.
“Nothing you can say will fix this. She was my mother, Rush. The one memory that holds anything good in my life. She is the center of every happy childhood moment I have. And you…” I closed my eyes unable to look at him. “And you, and… and them… y’all disgraced her. The ugly lies that you spoke as if they were the truth.”
“I’m so sorry you found out this way. I wanted to tell you. At first, you were just a product that would hurt Nan. I thought you’d cause her more pain. The problem was that you fascinated me. I’ll admit I was immediately drawn to you because you’re gorgeous. It was breathtaking. I hated you because of it. I didn’t want to be attracted to you. But I was. I wanted you bad that very first night. Just to be near you, God, I made up reasons to find you. Then… then I got to know you. I was hypnotized by your laugh. It was the most amazing sound I’d ever heard. You were so honest and determined. You didn’t whine or complain. You took what life handed you and worked with it. I wasn’t used to that. Every time I watched you, every time I was near you I fell a little more.” Rush took a step toward me and I held up both my hands to hold him back. I was taking deep breaths. I would not cry again. If he needed to tell me all this and completely devastate me even more then I would listen. I’d give him his closure because I knew I’d never get mine.
“Then that night at the honky-tonk. You owned me after that. You may not have realized it but I was hooked. There was no going back for me. I had so much to make up for. I’d put you through hell since you’d arrived and I hated myself for it. I wanted to give you the world. But I knew… I knew who you were. When I let myself remember exactly who you were I would pull back. How could I be so completely wrapped up in the girl who represented my sister’s pain?”
I covered my ears. “No. I won’t listen to this. Leave, Rush. Leave now!” I yelled. I didn’t want to hear about Nan. Her vile words about my mother rang in my ears and I felt the need to scream bubbling in my chest. Anything to block it out.
“The day mom came home from the hospital with her I was three. I remember it though. She was so small and I remember worrying that something would happen to her. My mom cried a lot. So did Nan. I grew up fast. By the time Nan was three I was doing everything from fixing her breakfast to tucking her in at night. Our mom had married and now we had Grant. There was never any stability. I actually looked forward to the times my dad would come get me because I wouldn’t be responsible for Nan for a few days. I’d get a break. Then she began asking why I had a daddy and she didn’t.”
“Stop!” I warned him, moving further down the wall. Why was he doing this to me?
“Blaire, I need you to hear me. This is the only way you’ll understand.” His voice was broken. “Mom would tell her she didn’t have one because she was special. That didn’t work for every long. I went and demanded that mom tell me who Nan’s dad was. I wanted it to be mine. I knew my dad would take her places. Mom told me that Nan’s dad had another family. He had two little girls he loved more than Nan. He wanted those girls but he didn’t want Nan. I couldn’t understand how anyone couldn’t want Nan. She was my little sister. Sure, at times I wanted to kill her but I loved her fiercely. Then came the day Mom took her to see the family her father had chosen. She cried for months afterward.” He stopped and I sank down on the bed. He was going to make me listen to this. I couldn’t get him to stop.
“I hated those girls. I hated that family that Nan’s dad had chosen over her. I swore one day I’d make him pay. Nan would always say maybe one day he’d come see her. She daydreamed about him wanting to see her. I listened to these dreams for years. When I was nineteen, I went looking for him. I knew his name. I found him. I left him a picture of Nan with our address on the back. I told him he had another daughter who was special and she just wanted to meet him. To talk to him.”
That was five years ago. My stomach twisted. I felt sick. I’d lost Valerie five years ago. He’d left five years ago.
“I did it because I loved my sister. I had no idea what his other family was going through. I didn’t care honestly. I only cared about Nan. You were the enemy. Then you walked into my house and completely changed my world. I always swore I’d never feel guilty for breaking up that family. After all, they had broken up Nan’s. Every moment I was with you the guilt at what I’d done started to eat me alive. Seeing your eyes when you told me about your sister and your mom. God, I swear you ripped my heart out that night, Blaire. I will never get over that.” Rush walked over to me and I was unable to move.
I understood. I did. But in the understanding I’d lost my own heart. It all was a lie. My entire life. It was a lie. All those memories. The Christmases that mom baked cookies and Dad held Valerie and I up so we could decorate the top of the tree were all false. They couldn’t be real. I believed Rush. It didn’t change how I viewed my mother. She wasn’t here to tell her side to the story. I knew enough to know that she was innocent. She couldn’t be anything but. This was all my father’s sin.
“I swear to you that as much as I love my sister if I could go back and change things I would. I would have NEVER gone to see your dad. Ever. I’m so sorry, Blaire. I’m so fucking sorry.” His voice broke and I lifted my eyes to see his eyes wet with unshed tears.
If he hadn’t gone to see my dad, things would have been so different. But neither of us could change the past no matter how badly we wanted to. Neither of us could make this right. Nan had her father now. She had what she’d always wanted. So, did Georgianna.
I had me.
“I can’t tell you that I forgive you,” I said. Because I couldn’t. “But I can tell you that I understand why you did what you did. It altered my world. That can never be changed.”
A lone tear ran down Rush’s face. I couldn’t reach up and wipe it away just like the tears were now gone for me. “I don’t want to lose you. I’m in love with you Blaire. I’ve never wanted anything or anyone the way I want you. I can’t imagine my world now without you in it.”
I would always only have just me. Because this man had taken my heart and destroyed it. Even if he hadn’t meant to. I’d never trust enough to love again.
“I can’t love you, Rush.”
A choked sob rocked his body as he dropped his head in my lap. I didn’t console him. I couldn’t. How did I soothe his ache when mine was a big gaping hole large enough for both of us to fit in?
“You don’t have to love me. Just don’t leave me,” he said against my leg.
Would my life always be full of loss? I hadn’t been able to tell my sister goodbye when she left that day and never returned. I had refused to tell my mother goodbye that morning when she told me it was almost time. She’d closed her eyes and never opened them again. I knew once Rush left this room that it would be the last time I saw him. It would be our final goodbye. I couldn’t move on with my life if he was in it. He would always hinder my healing.
But I wanted my goodbye this time. This was my final goodbye and this time I wanted a chance to say it properly. I couldn’t say the words. They refused to come. My need to protect my mother’s name stood between me and the words I knew Rush needed to hear. I couldn’t tell him I forgave him knowing that he was the reason my dad had walked out and never come back. He had taken my dad away that day even if he hadn’t known the damage that picture would do.
None of that changed how I had felt for Rush before he’d blown my world into a million pieces. I would get my goodbye.