Authors: Shannon Stacey
She dropped the phone onto the thick braided rug and kicked it under the bed. “Nice try. There is no way in hell you’re taking a picture of me wearing nothing but your shirt.”
“I don’t need a picture.” He lifted her and set her on the edge of the bed, his thighs holding her knees apart. “I’ll never forget the way you look right now.”
* * *
Max was a fast learner and, thanks to a wastebasket tucked discreetly under his nightstand, he didn’t have to leave the bed after making love to Tori anymore. He was free to simply roll away for a second, then go right back to savoring the feel of her naked body under his.
“Tacos and orgasms,” she mumbled. “You sure know how to make a lady happy.”
“I should write a how-to book and make millions of dollars.”
“I get half. Call me a research assistant.”
“I don’t think research assistants get half.”
She chuckled and ran her fingernails up his back. “I don’t think most research assistants are as thorough as I am.”
The shiver that tickled his spine was partly due to her touch, but also the rush of emotion that slipped the tight leash he’d been holding on to for dear life. This was what he wanted. Back on the first of October, when he’d made out his to-do list, he’d been looking for Tori. She wasn’t just companionship and sex. She laughed with him and pushed his buttons and made him excited to see her, no matter how much time they spent together.
He pressed a kiss to his favorite spot—the soft skin at the base of her throat—and couldn’t hold it back anymore. “I’m in love with you, Tori.”
Her body went rigid, as if he’d physically shocked her, but he didn’t regret saying the words. He’d tried to play along with the friends-with-benefits thing as long as he could, but he didn’t have it in him to pretend anymore.
“Let me get up.”
“Tori, I—” He was afraid if she got up, she wasn’t going to listen.
“Let me get up.
Now.
”
He rolled away and she slid off the bed. In the time it took him to pull a pair of sweats out of a drawer and pull them on, she’d managed to get dressed.
“That was a sucker punch, Max,” she said, zipping up her jeans.
“I don’t really have the ability to live a lie or pretend everything’s okay when it’s not. I’ve tried hiding how I feel about you and I can’t do it anymore. I say what’s on my mind—sometimes even when I shouldn’t—and, if there’s a problem, I fix it. You’ll always know where you stand with me.”
“And you knew where you stood with me.”
“The difference is that I’m being honest with myself and you’re not.”
“Don’t you dare.” She pointed at him. “Don’t you dare stand there and try to tell me what I feel.”
She walked out of the bedroom and Max felt an insane urge to call his brother and ask him to talk to Tori for him. He knew he couldn’t, but he also knew if Tori left angry, she might never talk to him again.
He caught her in the kitchen because she had to put her shoes on. “Please don’t leave angry. I’m sorry I said you weren’t being honest about your feelings for me.”
“Max.” She leaned against the island and put her face in her hands. “You don’t understand.”
“Then please explain it to me so I can.”
“You and I want different things in life. You know that.”
“I want somebody who understands me the way you do. I want somebody who laughs at my jokes like you do. Somebody who enjoys being with me and likes me the way I am. Like you do.” He wished she’d look at him. “I made a new list to describe the kind of woman I’d fall in love with and it just said
Tori.
”
“Stop. Stop saying you love me. You don’t.”
“If I don’t get to tell you how you feel, you can’t really tell me how I feel.”
“You joked about practicing how to be friends with benefits, Max.”
“I think we’ve been more than that for a while. And I was trying to convince myself I could settle for friends with benefits for now, and that maybe in time you’d trust that I wouldn’t hurt you, but I can’t hide how I feel about you.”
It made sense to him, but he was afraid. The more he talked, the more Tori looked like a wild animal whose fight-or-flight instinct was kicking in. Maybe he should shut up, but if they didn’t come to a resolution right now, in his kitchen, he was afraid they never would.
Chapter Twenty-One
Tori’s heart ached and all she wanted to do was run. If it had been some random guy, she would have. But this was Max and, if she didn’t make him understand, he would blame himself.
It wasn’t him. It was her.
“I didn’t want you to love me,” she said softly. “I’ve already hurt you, Max. I can see it on your face and that’s the last thing I ever wanted to do. I knew you aren’t really wired for casual sex, but I wanted you and I did it anyway.”
“I’m a grown man, Tori. I might not be loud or assertive, but don’t mistake that for weakness.”
“I don’t think you’re weak. But you can be hurt and it kills me. It’s killing me to hurt you now. Imagine being together for years and having children and doing...this.”
“
This
is normal, Tori. This is a disagreement. An argument. Hell, call it a fight if you want to. But people do it. And you make peace and move on. Together.”
Her heart felt as if it was going to explode in her chest. “I imagine saying the things to you my mother said to my father and you saying to me the words that came out of his mouth and it hurts. I can’t...I just can’t.”
“Tori, I would never say something hurtful to you deliberately. I love—”
“So did they, Max!” She knew her voice was growing louder and higher pitched, but she couldn’t seem to stop. “They loved each other. They vowed to love and respect each other forever and look where they ended up. They say there’s a fine line between love and hate and it’s true. I’ve seen just how fine a line it is and I’m not living my life walking that line.”
“You’re being unreasonable.” Before she could give voice to the rage that toneless statement of logic filled her with, he held up his hands. “No. I’m sorry. That was the wrong thing to say.”
“You think?”
“Tori. I didn’t mean that your feelings are unreasonable. They’re your feelings. But you’re superimposing your parents’ relationship over ours, and that’s not fair. Not only is it not fair to me, but it’s not fair to
you.
”
“I’m messy, Max. Not physically. Emotionally. And you’re not. You’re orderly and logical and you can’t understand how terrified I am that if I let myself love you, someday we’ll turn on each other and inflict pain on each other. Or our children.”
“You’re right. I don’t understand. I want to, but I just don’t understand walking away from a chance to spend the rest of your life with somebody who loves you, messy or not, because your parents’ marriage ended badly.”
“I know how it sounds. It doesn’t make sense, but there’s logic and then there’s feeling. And what I feel is fear. Every time I think about loving you—and I’ve done a lot of that—I see your face. The look in your eyes right now. It hurts me to think I’m causing you pain. But at least, right now, it can be a clean break. We’re not married. Hell, we’re barely a couple. We don’t have children. I can just walk away and you’ll find somebody who can love you the way you deserved to be loved.”
“I’m not going to stop loving you because you go home and don’t return my calls.”
“You will. Maybe with me out of the picture you and Nola can give it another—” She broke off, unable to say it. Tears clogged her throat and she shook her head.
“I don’t know how to make you trust me. How to trust
us.
”
“You can’t.” She swiped at the tear that threatened to run over her cheek. “I’m going to leave now, but I want you to know this is my fault. It’s nothing you did. It’s nothing you said wrong.”
“I love you, Tori.”
“Except that.”
She didn’t look back. There was nothing left to say.
She made it halfway back to her apartment before she had to pull over because she couldn’t see through the tears anymore. She cried hard, trying to purge enough emotion so she could drive.
But she couldn’t stand the idea of going home. She didn’t want to be alone. Even though it was late, she mopped at her face and drove to Hailey’s house. The lights were still on downstairs, so she pulled in the driveway and shut her car off.
She hated being here. Hailey and Matt were probably snuggled on the couch, having some couple time and no guy wanted the hot-mess best friend showing up at all hours.
The outside light flashed and she looked up to see Hailey in the doorway, beckoning for her to come in. She got out and walked to the house, the tears already rising to the surface again.
“Hey, get in here.”
Matt was sitting on the couch, but he took one look at her and stood up. Tori wasn’t surprised. She had to look awful and he’d want no part of what was coming.
“I’m going to take Bear for a walk. He loves being out at night and we haven’t done it in a long time, so I’ll probably be a while.” He grabbed a coat that was hanging in the entryway to throw over his sweats. Then he shoved his feet in his shoes, grabbed the dog’s leash and kissed Hailey’s cheek. But he paused before he went out the door and looked at Tori. “There are two slices of Rosie’s double chocolate cake left over in the fridge. You can have mine.”
Tori’s eyes welled up with tears and her throat tightened. When the door closed behind him, all she could do was look at Hailey and wave a hand in the direction he’d gone.
“I know,” Hailey said. “Now you see how I could fall in love with a guy who needs his own shower in the garage. Now come on. Kitchen.”
Hailey didn’t break out the cake yet. Tori let herself be shoved into a kitchen chair and took several tissues out of the box Hailey set in front of her. A glass of water followed, and she drained half of it in one shot.
“What happened?”
“Max told me he loves me.” Then she buried her face in the tissues and cried some more.
Hailey didn’t push. She just waited until Tori was ready to talk again, about twelve tissues later. Tori told her everything, from the poorly timed I love you to her freaking out and leaving.
“He said we were just practicing being friends with benefits. And then,
boom.
He just said it.”
“Anybody who saw you together could see he was crazy about you. And, to be honest, it looked mutual.”
“I yelled at him and I could picture myself being my mother, yelling horrible things at him. He’s sensitive, Hailey. I can’t hurt him like that.”
“Oh, Tori.”
The way she said it, like a woman who knew her best friend was being crazy and couldn’t figure out how to tell her, brought on a fresh bout of tears.
“Oh my God, I haven’t cried in years,” Tori said when it passed, looking at the mountain of crumpled tissues in front of her.
“Well, you’re breaking his heart and your own heart and your parents are at the root of all it. Of course you’re going to cry.”
“I’m not having an emotional breakdown. It’s a breakup. I know women cry during a breakup, but this much? We were barely even a couple, so this is ridiculous.”
“Tori, you can’t shut men out of your life because of your parents. Even if a marriage does end in divorce, it’s painful, but most people don’t act like that. They’re destructive and you’re letting them destroy your life along with theirs.”
“Cake,” she whispered.
Hailey took the two slices out and put them on paper plates. “I don’t have any ice cream to go with them.”
“Ugh. No ice cream.”
The first bite of double chocolate didn’t exactly soothe her soul, but at least it was almost impossible to burst into tears with a mouthful of cake. The second bite started the soothing process.
“Tell me why you’re so worried about hurting Max.”
Tori waved her fork in a gesture of despair. “Because I love him.”
“This is progress.”
“Not really. Like I told him, there’s a fine line between love and hate and it’s too easy for that line to be blurred. Nobody has the power to hurt you more than the person who loves you the most.”
Hailey sighed. “I knew you were struggling with your parents’ divorce and doing the cynical thing, but I honestly thought when you met the right man, you’d realize that the shit they’ve done doesn’t define love and marriage.”
“Have you ever looked Matt in the eye and hurt him?”
“Yes, I have. When he came to me, wanting to make everything better, and I sent him away. It ripped my heart out.”
Tori used the edge of her fork to cut off another bite of cake. “Then you know how much love can hurt.”
“I also know I wasn’t cruel. And neither was he. And we got past it because we loved each other. I know love is amazing and wonderful and sometimes painful, but always worth it.”
“I’m afraid I’d be cruel.” Tori stared at the cake on her fork, trying to will away a fresh wave of tears.
“You’re not a cruel person. You’re just not. And, no, don’t tell me your mother isn’t either because, maybe you didn’t see it, but she’s been an unhappy person for a long time and that’s why she’s so miserable. You would never say the things your mother has said to
anybody,
never mind to Max.”
“You’re my best friend. You’re supposed to take my side and make me feel better, so of course you’re going to say that.”
Hailey got up to refill their waters. “No, because I’m your best friend, I’m telling you the truth. You’re going to lose a great guy because you’re a hot mess.”
“I’d deny that if I wasn’t sobbing in your kitchen, eating your husband’s leftover cake because the man I love said he loves me.”
“Wow.” Hailey set the glass down. “When you put it like that, you’re even more screwed up than I thought.”
Tori made a sound that was almost a laugh, then drank some of the water. “I read the books you got for me. They made a lot of sense to me and they’ve really helped, but...I panicked. When he said he loved me, everything I’d read just flew out of my head. What am I going to do?”
“You’re going to go home and go to bed. I can drive you if you want, and Matt and I can drop off your car tomorrow. Or you can stay here.”
Tori finished off the last bite of cake and washed it down with more water. “I’m okay to drive now. I just didn’t know what to do and I needed to talk. Although I was hoping for something more helpful than ‘go home and go to bed.’”
Hailey shrugged. “Nobody can talk you out of this fear you have of ending up like your parents. We’ve tried. You have to trust yourself to have a relationship, or it’s not going to work.”
Tori shoved a couple of tissues in her pocket, just in case, and walked to the door. Hailey gave her a long, hard hug and then held her by the shoulders. “You need to let things settle and then think about what you really want.”
“I blew it, Hailey.”
“Not if he loves you. It doesn’t just disappear like that. He’s hurt, maybe even angry, but he’ll understand and he’ll still love you. But you have to let him.”
“I think you’re right about going home and going to bed.” She was so exhausted she could hardly think straight. Not that she wanted to. Not thinking would be preferable.
“Thank you.” She hugged Hailey again. “And thank Matt for me. It’s freezing out there. Hurry up and text him that it’s safe to come home.”
“Are you kidding? He and Bear live for this crap. Me? I’m going back to the couch. Call me tomorrow.”
Tori had to mop her eyes a couple of times, but this time she made it all the way home and into her bed before the tears came again.
* * *
Max went through the next few days on autopilot. He woke, worked, ate because it was a habit, and slept.
It didn’t dull the pain of losing Tori, but he didn’t think anything could. He just had to keep going through the motions until the routine became a comfort again and not a daily reminder that he’d almost had everything he wanted and blown it.
He’d run what had happened between them over and over in his mind until he’d almost driven himself mad. Every word. Every gesture. Every facial expression. Every moment of his last day with Tori was imprinted in his memory and he couldn’t shake it.
He also couldn’t figure out how to make it better.
Because he did nothing but work, he finished the Farmall tractor before he expected and sent an email to Josh that it was done. Josh responded that he’d swing by Thursday afternoon, and Max didn’t bother trying to nail him down to a specific time. It didn’t matter. He just told him to ring the doorbell instead of knocking, because it would chime in the basement.
When the doorbell sounded, a little after three, Max went upstairs and let Josh in. “Thanks for coming over. I would have delivered it, but I wasn’t sure who else knew about it and there was no way Rose was going to let me deliver a box without questioning me about the contents. And I think I’d crack pretty quickly.”
“I don’t mind stopping by. And we all crack eventually.”
Max led him down into the basement and went to the shelf where he’d set the Farmall. “I assume this is going to be on display, rather than played with, right?”
“It’ll probably be on a shelf, but there’s a good chance Sarah will get her hands on it at least once.”
“It’ll stand up to being run around the floor, but there’s a weak spot in the paint, so it’s best if it doesn’t go outside too often. I did my best to blend the new paint and the old, and I put a protective clear coat over the entire bottom, but I wanted to preserve this.”
Max took the tractor off the shelf and turned it upside down. When he pointed to the belly of the tractor, he watched Josh’s expression change from one of curiosity to something like awe. Crudely scratched in the old paint, probably with a small pocketknife, were the initials FK.
“My dad,” Josh said quietly. “Frank.”
“I was using a wire brush to clear some of the crud away and once the corner of the F started showing, I went to a brush with softer bristles so I wouldn’t damage the letters. By feathering out the edges of the old paint surrounding the initials, I was able to cover them with the new paint and then seal the whole thing, so it shouldn’t lift.”
He watched Josh run his thumb over his father’s initials and stopped talking. The guy didn’t care about the work process that had gone into it. He was thinking about a man he’d loved and lost.
After a minute, Josh blew out a breath and looked over the rest of the tractor. “This is amazing, Max. And not just the way you saved the initials. You do incredible work.”