Falling for Seven (12 page)

She wasn’t letting it go.

“I don’t know anything about love,” I admitted. I slowed down for the traffic, waiting in line at the red light. “But, yeah, I felt like I was in love with you.”

“But not enough to take me back.”

I felt the muscle in my neck spasm. “No, Kristina. That’s got nothing to do with whether or not I loved you. You fucked someone else while you were still fucking me. We already tried once to make it work and I can’t forget what you did. I will always think about his filthy hands on you. I can’t pretend you lying to my face doesn’t still piss me off when I think about it. What we had is ruined now, so just forget about it. I’m trying to.”

Kristina pressed her head against the rest, her fingers rubbing at her belly, already protecting her unborn kid.

“I didn’t mean that,” I said. The light changed to green and I took the next left for the highway to our neighborhood. “Well, I did. But I didn’t mean it to come out like that.”

“No, it’s the truth. You should be allowed to say it. I fucked someone else and this is my punishment. Now I can live with it for the rest of my life.”

“Don’t say that. It’s not a life sentence, it’s a fucking baby, Kristina.” I cupped her chin in my fingers, nudging her cheek so she would look at me. A smile split into her pitiful expression. “I’m here for you. I said that, didn’t I? Have you ever known me to lie?”

“No,” she said, and I dropped my hand.

“So yeah, I loved you and you loved me, but it didn’t work out and we still have each other’s backs. You can’t be happy with that?”

“I want to be.” Her honesty ripped at my chest. I couldn’t ever get back together with her, but I couldn’t switch off my feelings like I wanted to.

“I have practice tonight, but I’m done at seven. You wanna go see a movie or something?”

“My choice?” she asked, brightening up.

“Sure, if that’s what it takes for you to stop fucking moping.”

“And you’re buying. Popcorn, hotdogs. Oh, and nachos?”

I tuned onto our street and stopped the car outside of my house. “Sounds like you’ve already decided.”

“What’re you doing now?” It was more of a plea than a question. I had Sport Science in a half hour, but she didn’t need to know that.

“Nothing,” I lied. “Want me to come up?”

IT HAD BEEN FIVE DAYS sinc
e
Jordan dumped me by text. The worst text of my damn life. It still didn’t feel real. The pain was still fresh, the anxiety still followed me around all day every day, and I stared at my phone like I would get a follow-up message telling me he was wrong and he’s sorry and can we just forget the whole thing? He misses me and he’ll be better. For me, He’ll do better. But that text never came. Five days and I’d already made up my mind that between visiting Nellie, skating, and classes, it wasn’t enough. I had to fill every minute of every day with something productive.

I needed a job.

So I got one. At players. I was underage so it would only be waitressing on weekends and two school nights a week, but I’d snatched at it immediately.

Time. I had too much of it. Five days and all I had done was think and analyze. Think and analyze, even when I was actively doing something: Talking, moving, learning, driving, brushing my teeth, skating, eating. Ugh, I couldn’t eat. Marilyn had tried to coax me through that first night with a Chinese takeout, but I lay on her lap and cried. Cried for a solid two hours until I fell asleep. Then I cried again the next morning in the shower before I dressed to go over my routine with Calvin like nothing had ever happened. During daylight hours I wore a disguise, but once I was alone and I had no one to pretend for, I cried quietly, searching for some level of release, no matter how small.

But there wasn’t one. When I slept, I dreamt of the pain. Then I woke, and felt it all over again. I was waiting for the day when I would finally run out of tears.

That day came when I let myself forget about it for a split second, my mind wandering to my next heart-numbing fix.

It was Sunday morning and I knew Julian would be at practice. I had two choices; I could wait till the back end of never for him to write out his life journal, or I could be brave, go out there and find it out for myself. Or I could go find Sidney and unload Julian on her. I stacked my pen on top of my notebook and put them both in my bag. I let myself into Marilyn’s room, the creaking of the door instigating a ruffle under the sheets. “Marilyn?”

She made a noise that sounded like a last-dying breath.

“Do you know Sidney?”

More shuffling and then her head emerged from her pillow. She opened one eye, squinting at me. “Sidney, two doors down, Sidney?”

Bingo.

“That’s the one,” I said. “Thanks. Go back to sleep.”

Marilyn and morning were two M’s that did not go together.

At my desk I wrote out a note asking Sidney if she took Professor Lucas’s Monday and Wednesday Sociology class, and I would trade her partner for Julian if she was interested. I left her my number and slid it under what I hoped was the right door. Then I put my hair up into the highest and messiest of all buns and didn’t bother to take off my reading glasses. I kept a pullover in the car that I sometimes used for ice-skating. I would cover up my crappy, faded T-shirt with it.

Walking to my car, my phone lit up in my fingers. Wow, she was fast. It was a long shot, her taking the same class, but I was desperate for a break.

Jordan:
I miss you. I’m so fucking confused. I thought I didn’t want a girlfriend but I want you.

I read the message and then re-read it, again and again waiting for the words to change. When they never I almost squealed on the spot. He missed me. Jordan missed me.

I was floating so high, not even Julian was going to burst my sweet little bubble. I sent a message back telling him I missed him too. Unless I’d got it all wrong, I’m pretty sure he was saying we weren’t breaking up.

We weren’t breaking up.

There had been a weight on my chest for the past five days, and I was now taking my first real breath. I couldn’t get enough air without Jordan and it was a scary truth how much I had aligned myself to another person. I felt a stab of irritation amongst my elation for losing myself so readily somewhere along the way. I hated how badly I wanted him, it couldn’t be healthy. It wasn’t healthy, because I’d felt what it was like to try and survive without him.

It took me only a few minutes to get to the football field and I sat down halfway up the bleachers to watch the end of the practice session. I knew very little about football, and by little, I meant nothing. By this point, I didn’t even know which one was Julian because of the helmets. But then he turned around and flashed me a large, dark green number 7 on the back of his white training jersey.

He threw football after football at a large inflatable post and every aim was a direct hit. He was good, even my untrained eye could see that.

Some of the other players were running drills and my dad blew his whistle, bringing them all together. He sent a bunch of the defensive to one part of the field and they simultaneously ran at tackling dummies, the frames bending backwards under the player’s weight. I think I spotted Dan. His arms wrapped around the dummy, his cleats scraping at the turf. He went at it over and over, each player taking a turn.

Julian and three others moved off toward the end zone, and at the 40 yard line Julian settled into throwing the football at who I could tell was Nicky. Nearly every player looked the same in tight white pants and wide-shoulder jerseys, but from what little time I had spent around Julian’s teammates, I could already tell subtle differences between them.

Julian’s passes were fluid and accurate, and Nicky caught every one, his feet lifting off the floor and his arms diving into the air. He didn’t miss a single ball.

When the assistant coach blew his whistle and the players started to wrap it up, Julian unclipped his helmet, throwing it down onto the field. His hair was wet from sweating and he pulled the jersey up over his head and wiped his face with it, then took off his shoulder pads. The muscles in his back rolled in sync with his arm movements, his golden skin gleaming from hard work.

The rest of the player’s helmets came off as well as a few jerseys and protective gear, and I recognized Drift, Rocco and Rixton. They were goofing around on their way to the changing rooms and I was about to hightail it out of there and hide out in my car when Julian stopped, led by a sixth sense and looked up, directly at where I was sitting.

I waved pathetically. He said something to Dan, who also looked up at me. Nicky saw me, too, and he made a stupid noise, dropped to his knees dramatically and raised his arms in the air. “Angel!” His voice echoed around the bleachers, ringing in my ears. His face twisted in aguish. “I love you!”

I cringed in embarrassment while everyone else laughed. Apart from my dad who looked furious. His face was redder than blood. I could see his tightly clenched jaw from all the way up here. Julian shoved Nicky in the back of his head, said something to my dad and then started to jog across the field and up the steps of the bleachers, his cleats thudding against the tinny metal. The rest of the team carried on into the tunnel when my dad finally dragged Nicky to his feet and gave him a rough push forward to the changing rooms, shouting obscenities at the back of his head.

I was pink from cringing when Julian stopped for breath at the bench in front of me. He put one leg on it, resting his arm across his bent knee. “Nice glasses,” he said, breathing hard. “I almost didn’t recognize you.”

“Are you free for a few hours?” I asked, ignoring his comment.

“That depends on who’s asking.”

“Me,” I said, getting bored. “I’m asking.”

“Then I’m free all day, baby.”

“Okay, one, don’t call me that. And two, an hour of your time is more than enough.”

“What you got planned?”

“The assignment, Julian.” I stood up. “I’ve brought my car. I’ll follow you.”

His cockiness wavered. “Follow me where?”

“To your house. Last week I told Taj I would go to the mall with him, and I meant it.”

“So we’re gonna hang with my kid brother? Is that your way of saying you’re scared to be alone with me?” His smile was all confident arrogance.

“Sure,” I said. “That’s what it means.” I gave him a condescending smile.

“I’ll go change. Meet you in the parking lot in five.” He started to jog down the stairs then stopped to look at me. “Oh, and make sure you are wearing those glasses.”

<>

I was parked near Julian’s Range Rover and I got in my car when he came out of the stadium and into the lot. He must have skipped a shower because he was quicker than I expected. He climbed into the Range Rover and I tailed him all the way to his neighborhood.

A girl of about our age came out of one of the apartments across the street, her hurried footsteps clanging against the iron staircase. She gave me a lingering look when she saw me with Julian. “Hey, Seven,” she said, her expression lifting. “You just back from practice?”

“Yeah,” he said, offering no introductions as to who this girl was.

She looked at me and then back at Julian. “Will you be in later?”

I didn’t miss his hesitation. “I don’t know, I’ll call you.”

Her lips curled in a disappointed smile and she looked at me again. “Make sure you do.”

I watched her walk away, her straight black hair swishing across her back. She was pretty. No, she was beautiful. I noticed Julian also watching her leave. He looked like he wanted to go after her.

“Is that your girlfriend?” I asked.

My question caught him off guard, and he took his time with an answer. “Kristina? No. She’s a friend, that’s all.”

“What about Kit?”

“What’s with the sudden interest?”

“No interest, just a genuine question.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” he said. “Why? You offering?”

“Not a chance.” I was curious, though. “You’re sleeping with them both, aren’t you?”

Julian’s eyes snapped to mine, tensed with a hard edge. I laughed at his irritation, tipping my head to the side. “Come on, Julian. I won’t be hurt, I don’t care
who
or what you do. I’m just wondering where Kit stands. You must know how she feels about you.”

Julian sat on the wall surrounding his yard and buried his hands in the pockets of his sweats. “Kit knows the deal.”

“Does she?”

“I don’t date.”

“No, you just fuck, right?”

“What’s she told you?”

“Nothing,” I defended. “She doesn’t have to.”

“Are you interrogating me because of the assignment or because you are jealous?”

“I’m seeing someone.” The words were out before I could stop them. I shouldn’t have told him that, he’d leap all over it. God, I wasn’t even sure if it was true. That’s the thing about hindsight, by the time you have it, it’s too late.

“You’ve got a boyfriend?” He didn’t seem all that surprised, more amused if I was honest.

“I think so.”
I think so?
How stupid did that sound?

“If you just think he’s your boyfriend, then trust me, he isn’t. If he was your man, you would know it. Does he let you fuck other people?”

“God, you’re so crass. And we haven’t had that conversation,” I said, trying to work my way out of this.

“If you were mine, we wouldn’t need to have that conversation. If another man so much as laid a finger on you, I would snap those fuckers off.”

I crossed my arms loosely over my chest, a protective barrier against Julian’s words that had my pulse racing. “Well, I’m not yours.”

“Yet,” he added.

“Never,” I concluded.

“So who’s the lucky guy?” I could tell he wanted to laugh, his attitude was too light and airy. He didn’t take me seriously at all. I didn’t have to tell him, I could stand here and say nothing. But why should I hide it? Julian’s constant judgement shouldn’t bother me, and his opinion really was insignificant. I could see whoever the hell I wanted, it was my life.

“Jordan,” I mumbled so quietly I barely heard it myself.

“What? Speak up.” He cupped his hand around his ear, a full smile curling the corner of his mouth

“Jordan,” I said louder.

Julian’s smile vanished the same time I looked up through my lashes. It felt wrong saying it, so god knows what Julian was thinking.

“Are you fucking serious?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, brushing it off. I knew how silly it sounded, but I didn’t care. I was happy, that was all that should matter. And it shouldn’t matter to Julian at all.

He had no intentions of letting it lie. “After what he did to you? You’ve imitated a fucking zombie in class. Now I know why you’re so happy today. Because of that weed? He snaps his fingers and you can live your life again. Wow.” Julian hissed a spiteful laugh between his teeth. “Pathetic.”

I wasn’t going to get upset. Not because of Julian.

“I don’t care what you think. I shouldn’t have told you. I shouldn’t have even come here.”

The sound of my phone gave me something to do for a few seconds so I wouldn’t have to look at Julian.