Falling For Zoe (The Camerons of Tide's Way #1) (10 page)

Chapter 16

“YOU LOOK LIKE hell!” Philip observed as he slid a tub of cookies onto Jake’s kitchen counter. “These are from Mom. What’s with the bags under your eyes?”

Ava looked up from the backpack she was loading books into and turned to glance at Jake as if she hadn’t noticed his tired eyes before her uncle mentioned them.

“Nothing a good night’s sleep won’t cure.”

“And you can’t get out of sleeping at the fire station tonight?”

“It’s my night on. Doesn’t mean I’ll get called out, though.” Jake pulled his windbreaker on and grabbed his own backpack. “Ava, go tell your grandmother we’re leaving and remind her that Uncle Philip will be staying for the night.”

Ava loped off to the television room.

“Not that Celia will remember. She’ll still probably be surprised when she trips over you on her way to bed.” Jake was glad his brother was free to stay the night, and he hadn’t had to tell Ava she couldn’t sleep over at her friend’s house. Celia’s little excursion the other day had shaken up his routine and left him scrambling to figure out how to make everything work. Maybe he’d have to give up the volunteer fire department.

“Am I pulling an all-night watch?” Philip poured himself a cup of coffee and slid onto a stool. “Has she been wandering in her sleep, too? Is that why you’re looking so haggard?”

“So far, no nighttime expeditions. You should be fine.” Jake debated telling Philip about the dreams that kept him tossing and wakeful, but was saved from making any awkward confessions when Ava bounded back into the kitchen.

Ava grabbed her backpack, gave her uncle a peck on the cheek, and headed for the door. Jake stopped long enough to grab a handful of his mother’s signature honey and spice cookies, then followed Ava.

“The nightmares are back?” Philip’s question stopped Jake halfway out the door.

“Yeah,” Jake answered, not turning to look at his brother.

“That baby wasn’t your fault.”

“I know. I’m over that. It’s—look, I gotta get going.”

“I don’t report in until noon tomorrow. Talk it out over breakfast.”

Jake turned to look at his brother. Maybe it would help to put the frayed wisps of his dreams into words. Get some perspective and think rationally instead of waking every night with his heart hammering so hard his chest hurt and the echoes of a woman sobbing tearing at his brain.

Philip could be the biggest tease in the world, but he had a serious, caring side, too. And he probably knew more than most men about the ravages of senseless nightmares. Anyone who had seen as much of war as Philip had to have nightmares far worse than the ones messing with Jake’s mind.

“There’s nothing wrong with me.” Jake fought the urge to admit the truth.

“Never said there was,” Philip answered mildly. “But nightmares can be a bitch.”

“Breakfast, then. And Philip? Thanks.”

“WHAT’S WRONG with me, Bree?”

“You’re falling in love with the guy, and you just wish he felt the same way. There’s nothing wrong with you.” Bree picked up the ball that had landed at her feet and tossed it to a gap-toothed boy who’d come running after it. The boy scooped it up and gave them a brief smile before heading back to first base and tossing the ball to the pitcher.

Bree and Zoe were sitting in the bleachers watching Bree’s son Sam’s little league team at their weekly practice. The guilt that had been eating at Zoe since Celia’s wandering episode had grown, and Zoe had finally broken down and shared her self-reproach with her friend.

“But he doesn’t. And I know it. He just wants to be friends.” Zoe stated what she knew to be the truth of the matter in a carefully neutral tone. Making herself take the truth to heart was more difficult. “I’ve never had a man for a friend before, and I’m not sure how to go about it.”

“Same as any friend.” Bree stretched out an arm and pulled Zoe against her side in a quick hug. “You treat Jake the same as you treat me. And you don’t go on a guilt trip every time you find out about some problem he’s got that he didn’t feel like sharing.” Bree squeezed Zoe’s shoulder again, then let go to reach for her water bottle. “So, how long has he known how serious Celia’s memory problems are? Is it Alzheimer’s do you think?”

“I don’t know. Jake didn’t say much. But I know he’s worried. At first I thought it was just because she’d wandered off, and he didn’t know where she was, but later, after she was back home again, I could see it in his eyes. How worried he still was, I mean.”

“Did you ask if he’s consulted a doctor? Maybe there are drugs that can help.”

“I didn’t suggest anything. That’s just it. What kind of friend is so wrapped up in their own wants and feelings that they don’t bother to see what the other person is dealing with?”

“You’re determined not to cut yourself any slack over this, aren’t you? Lighten up. You’re the best of friends. I’d never have made it through the last few years without you, and you know it.”

“That’s different. You’re a woman. And I’ve known you all my life.”

“How’s it different?” Bree made an exasperated gesture with her hands. “Look, tonight, after you know the twins are in bed and his evening is more or less his own, wander over and knock on his door. Take a bottle of wine with you if you need a crutch, and ask him to come out and share it with you. Then you can introduce the possibility of consulting a doctor for Celia.”

“I’m pregnant. Or did you forget? I’m off wine for the time being.”

“You’re making excuses. And you don’t really need the wine anyway. Just go over there.”

Zoe tried to picture herself waltzing up to Jake’s front door and inviting him to come out to chat. She always felt comfortable around Jake, and he was easy to talk to, but that was when he approached her, not when she shoved her way into his problems.

“If it were me, would you feel so unsure of yourself?” Bree persisted.

Zoe knew she wouldn’t. She shook her head.

“Okay, it’s decided then. As soon as Sam’s practice is over, I’ll drop you off at home, and you’ll walk next door. Better yet, I’ll drop you at Jake’s door. You’ll have less time to get all self-conscious.”

“HEY, ZOE. WHAT’S up?” Jake didn’t seem surprised or the least bit awkward about her unannounced arrival. He pushed the screen door wider and stepped out onto the porch. “Something on the fritz again?”

“No. For once! Can we talk?” Zoe backed away from his overwhelming height and magnetism.

“Sure. Twins just went to bed, and Ava’s busy with homework. What do you need to talk about? Are the twins being too chummy? Or maybe it’s Ava who’s making a pest of herself?”

Jake strode toward the porch swing and dropped himself into one corner. Zoe followed and curled up on the other end, tucking her feet under her. He stretched his long legs out and leaned back, his thigh pressing lightly against her knee. Zoe pulled herself into an even smaller ball and tried to ignore the way his closeness made her feel.

“Your girls are great company, and I love having them around. Even with all the livestock, it’s still a big house for just me. I just wondered . . .” Zoe tailed off, still not sure if her opinions would be welcomed. “I came over to see how things were going with Celia. Since the other night, I mean.”

Immediately, Jake’s face clouded with concern, and his body tightened out of its casual slouch. “I wish I knew. She’s never done anything like that before, and it scared me.”

“I don’t blame you. I was scared, and she’s not even my mother-in-law. I was just thinking—have you—have you consulted her doctor? I mean, what if she has—” Zoe broke off, suddenly not wanting to suggest anything as serious as Alzheimer’s. “What if there’s something out there she could take that would help with her memory?”

Jake covered his face with his hand and rubbed his eyes, then slowly drew his hand down to his mouth. Briefly, he returned Zoe’s gaze before looking away. “I know what you were going to say.” He dropped his hand back into his lap. “You were going to say Alzheimer’s. It’s like the big C. And yes, that’s what she has. But she’s already on something for it.”

“Oh.” Zoe didn’t know what to say next. Her whole focus had been on the fact that Celia could have been suffering from any of a dozen other things less ominous than Alzheimer’s. She had done a Google search and had convinced herself she might be worrying about a worst-case scenario for nothing.

“I’ve known for a few years now, but when she first got the diagnosis, the doctor put her on this medicine, and she seemed back to her old self in just a couple weeks. But then . . .” Jake still wasn’t looking at Zoe, but rather at a scrap of paper he’d found in the folds of the swing cushions. He fiddled with the paper, flicking the corner of it with his thumbnail.

“It not just the wandering,” he finally added. “Celia used to do most of the cooking, but in the last year or so, Ava and I have been taking turns so I didn’t notice—” He broke off and looked at Zoe with distress in his eyes.

“Didn’t notice what, Jake?” Zoe prompted gently.

“I found her in the kitchen a couple days ago holding the fridge door open with all the cold air falling out. I asked her what she was doing, and she told me she was trying to decide what to fix for dinner. I closed the door and told her it was my turn to cook. She insisted that she always cooks dinner, so I told her it was a special night. I took her back to the den and turned
Judge Judy
on. She settled right in, and I thought that was that. But after I went to check on the twins and got back to the kitchen, there was Celia with the fridge door open again. And we went through the entire conversation like we’d never had it before.” He pulled his feet in and hunched forward, elbows resting on his knees. “What am I going to do, Zoe?”

Without thinking, Zoe reached across the space that separated them and put her hand on Jake’s shoulder. His head jerked up, and his gaze met hers. As the impact of that intense gray stare shot through her, Zoe’s heart began to race. But the pain in his eyes overrode all the other things she felt. She wanted to pull him into her arms and comfort him like she would have had he been one of the twins. Then he turned his head and jerked his shoulder away. He rolled the bit of paper into a ball and threw it with force into the dark beyond the railing. “It’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not, but hoping it’s just temporary won’t help her, Jake.”

Abruptly, he shoved himself to his feet and crossed to the railing. He stood facing away from her, his hands braced on the railing, staring out into the dark, every line in his body taut.
Was he angry because she was butting into his problems uninvited?

Then he turned back to her, gesturing helplessly with his hands. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. Philip covered for me last night, and my mom’s been by during the day to check on Celia, but I can’t keep asking them to rearrange their lives all the time.”

Relieved that he wasn’t shutting her out, Zoe got off the swing and closed the small distance between them. She laid a hand on his forearm. “Make an appointment with her doctor. Maybe there’s something else they can try. I’ll babysit for you if you need me to. There’s no point in worrying about all the possible scenarios you might face. Get the doctor’s advice, then decide what next. And don’t be afraid to ask
me
to help out. That’s what friends are for.” Then she tiptoed, kissed him quickly on the mouth before he could pull away, and hurried down the stairs toward home.

Chapter 17

JAKE PUSHED THE screen door open with one elbow. He carried a mug of coffee in each hand. “Lynn didn’t even make it through the first book. Lori crashed in the middle of the second one.” He held one of the mugs toward Zoe.

Zoe reached for the offered mug. “I suppose this is that decaffeinated stuff.

Jake nodded.

“Might as well have just brought me a glass of water,” Zoe muttered.

Jake, about to join her where she sat on the top step, hesitated. “You want me to get you water instead?”

“Sorry, no. I’m just being a grump because all my favorite beverages have been declared off limits. No wine. No coffee. No beer. Just this tasteless excuse for coffee.”

“If you’re sure,” he said, smiling briefly as he folded his long legs and sat down next to her. “Besides, I’d hardly call you a grump. Thanks again for picking the twins up at day care.” Jake took a sip of his coffee and swallowed. “You didn’t have to fix supper, too.”

“Ava did most of it. I just helped. As for the pickup, I enjoyed it. Lori and Lynn showed me some of their artwork and the tunnel thing.” Zoe laughed, a musical, friendly sound that he’d come to love. “It’s like a giant gerbil cage for kids.”

“It’s their favorite part of the place.”

“I was pretty impressed with the entire center. I put Molly’s name on the infant list for next year, and I’ve got a fistful of paperwork to fill out once she’s born.”

“I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. My mom found the place for me. When Marsha took off I was right in the middle of a big project on the other side of the Cape Fear River, and I couldn’t take a lot of time off. So my sister babysat while Mom did the legwork checking out my options. The twins fell in love with Miss Win and the play yard on their first day there.” He set his mug down and stretched one leg out to reach into his pants pocket. “Speaking of the twins, Lynn asked me to give you this.”

Zoe took the small wad of paper Jake held out and unfolded it. She chuckled as she studied the childish rendition of the kiddie maze, then sobered again. “So, how did the doctor’s appointment go?”

Jake sighed. His interview with Celia’s doctor was the reason he’d asked Zoe to pick the twins up on her way home from work. There had been no chance for Zoe to question him with everyone present around the dinner table, and he’d been glad for the reprieve. He hadn’t wanted to think about the decisions he was going to have to make regarding his mother-in-law. He should have known Zoe would follow up.

“Lately it seems like I’ve been doing nothing but sitting in front of one doctor or another discussing my family’s mental health issues.” And if he didn’t start sleeping better, he’d be visiting the station shrink himself before long. Talking with Philip had been reassuring on some levels, but it hadn’t banished his irrational fear that something bad was going to happen to Zoe and cause her baby to be born too early.

Zoe looked up, her eyes wide with concern, almost as if she’d been reading his mind. “Doctors? Plural? Who—?”

“I was in to see Doctor Meredith about the twins a few weeks back.”

Zoe’s brow furrowed, and Jake hurried to explain.

“They start school in September, and I got a letter from the Early Education Coordinator’s office asking me if I wanted to have them assigned to separate classrooms. I know they’re close, but I thought that was normal, and I just didn’t know what the best answer was.”

Zoe shrugged one shoulder. “Hard choice! What did Doctor Meredith say?” She put her half-finished mug of coffee aside and wrapped her hands around her knees.

“She thinks they’re pretty well adjusted, and they’d probably take either decision in stride.”

“So, will you separate them?”

“No.” He shook his head. “Not this year anyway. I figure the switch from the less structured environment of day care to a full day of school is going to be stressful enough. No need to add to it. Besides, I’m not sure I’d survive it.”

Zoe grinned. “What do you mean, survive it?”

“I’m a pushover for a woman in tears. I just can’t feature myself walking out and leaving them in separate classrooms crying their eyes out. I’d probably end up bawling myself, and God knows what the teachers would think then.”

“They’d think you were a father who cared about his kids’ feelings. That’s a good thing.” The look in Zoe’s eyes was a curious mix of tenderness and longing.

Jake wondered if she was thinking about her own little girl growing up without a father. Maybe Porter would have a change of heart once his baby was born. Jake recalled the moment he’d first held Ava and the enormous, unexpected bubble of love that had welled up inside him. He couldn’t imagine any father turning away from the trusting, wide-open gaze of his newborn infant, even if he hadn’t wanted a child to start with.

Jake hadn’t wanted to be a father. Not at eighteen, anyway. He’d had plans. College. See the world. Hang out with the guys and enjoy a few footloose bachelor years. Even start his own company. But all that had changed when Marsha told him she was pregnant. They’d married right after graduation, he’d moved from his parents’ house to hers, and he’d gone to work for his father instead.

At the time, he’d thought he was in love and hadn’t given much thought to all the might-have-beens. As the reality of being a married man with a baby on the way had settled in, he’d tried not to be jealous of his unattached friends. He’d done his best not to resent the long, hard hours starting out on the bottom rung of the ladder in spite of being the boss’s son. Then the nurse had put that tiny wriggling bundle into his arms just moments after Ava’s birth, and none of it mattered anymore. He’d loved that little mite more than he’d ever believed he was capable of loving anyone. Maybe the same thing would happen to Porter and take away the sadness in Zoe’s eyes.

“I bet the twins will love school, no matter how they get settled in.” The wistful look had faded from Zoe’s face, replaced by a furrowed frown of concern. “But, how did you make out with Celia?”

“The doctor changed her meds. He says a switch in medication often brings a noticeable improvement. So I’m hoping . . .” Hoping for a change dramatic enough to avoid thinking about the rest of the doctor’s advice.

“And if it doesn’t?” Zoe’s voice was soft and laced with an understanding compassion.

“He said I should start looking at assisted living options.” There! The words were out, and suddenly they were painfully real, eclipsing even the nightmare-inducing worry about Zoe.

“And you don’t want to think about it.” Zoe glanced back at the house, then returned her gaze to his. “How long has it been since she was first diagnosed?”

“About five years since the official diagnosis, but we think it might be a lot longer. Marsha used to totally lose patience with her because Celia would get so mixed up. That was back when Celia understood enough to retaliate, and they’d end up yelling at each other.”

“That had to be hard,” Zoe murmured.

“It was harder at the time because Celia knew what was happening to her. All her life she’d been so easygoing, and she never used to lose her temper. But at the start of this it was like, all of a sudden, she’d be snapping at the girls, or Marsha, or me. Usually over nothing at all. But I think it wasn’t so much about being angry at anyone so much as it was about being scared. She knew she was losing herself, and it scared her. Now she’s kind of gotten past that. The only person she snaps at now is my Aunt Catherine, but my aunt usually deserves it.”

“So maybe she’s beyond being upset about the idea of a home?”

“I don’t want to put Celia in a home. She’s—” He had to clear his throat. “Celia’s been like a second mother to me. She’s always been there for us. She took care of us. She took care of me, even when what I really deserved from her was contempt. Now it’s my turn to take care of her.” He wasn’t going to abandon her. Not like Marsha. He was better than that.

“I wouldn’t expect you to feel any different. That’s the kind of man you are. But taking care of a parent with Alzheimer’s is tough no matter how much you love them. And sometimes it’s better for them to consider a home. Better for their safety. And—”

“Celia held our family together,” he said, cutting Zoe off. “I didn’t know it back then, but she was picking up all the slack. I was off working to support us, doing the manly thing. And Celia was being the mom to my kids so Marsha could play tennis and golf and have lunch with her unmarried friends. It wasn’t until Celia got sick that I suddenly realized just how much she’d been filling in and letting Marsha go on as if she were still a teenager without a care in the world. As soon as it became clear that Celia couldn’t manage it anymore, that’s when Marsha took off.”

Jake plowed his fingers through his hair. Anger rushed through him with searing intensity. He should shut up and not say anything else, but resentment and anguish drove him on. Words spilled out like a damn had burst. “Marsha never wanted to be a mother. She never wanted to be my wife either. She stopped pretending as soon as things fell apart, and it looked like she might have to grow up and be an adult for a change. How can a woman do that, Zoe? I mean, I get it that she didn’t love me anymore, but how could she abandon her own kids? Her own mother?”

“Doesn’t she ever come to see the kids or Celia?”

Jake shook his head. “Never. Not since the day she walked out. She called just the once to tell me it was over, but that was the last time I talked to her. I don’t even know where she is except somewhere in Arizona.”

“You’re kidding! What about the divorce? Didn’t you have to discuss that?”

“As far as Marsha is concerned, there was nothing to discuss. She wanted out and asked for nothing from me. I didn’t get a choice.”

“I see.” Except it didn’t sound as if Zoe did see. Jake couldn’t blame her. He still had a hard time understanding Marsha’s callous disregard for her mother and her children. And that wasn’t the whole story.

He took a deep breath and began to explain in a calmer tone.

“When Celia realized she was sick, and things were only going to get worse, she put everything in my control. I guess she knew her daughter a lot better than I ever did. Celia put the house and all the rest of her assets in trust for the girls with me as sole trustee. She gave me power of attorney and made me her executor. Marsha was furious.”

“I guess that would tend to create a rift. But considering what you’ve told me, I can only admire the strength and wisdom Celia showed in choosing you over her daughter to manage her affairs.”

“Marsha sulked for days and refused to even talk to her mother. Then she just up and left.”

Zoe was quiet for so long, Jake wondered if he’d said too much. She probably had no desire to hear him vent about Marsha. Besides, he hadn’t meant to dump all that anger and frustration out on Zoe. She didn’t deserve it. It had just been easier to fume about Marsha than face his problem with Celia.

“It’s not really about Marsha, and I’m sorry for the outburst. I’m over her, and I should be over all the anger, I guess. I thought I loved her once. Maybe I did, I don’t know. But I guess what I’m really angry about is all the hurt she left behind for the girls and for Celia.”

Zoe nodded her head understandingly. “Ava vents about it sometimes, too, but I think, on the whole, she’s a pretty well-adjusted kid, doing a pretty good job of coping. The only time the twins talk about her, it’s as if she was a visitor they once had and liked. Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for.”

“Celia’s not a kid. What about her?”

Jake realized Celia had never shared much of what she’d felt about her daughter’s departure. She’d just gone on doing the best she could in spite of her memory problems. And he’d planned to make it up to her one day.

“It’s just that I wanted to take Celia to Paris. Not to some lousy nursing home.”

“Paris?” Zoe lifted her eyebrows. “Why Paris?”

“She always wanted to go to Paris. She and her best friend talked about it a lot. They talked about going when the last of their kids were out of school. Just the two of them. They had a scrapbook of pictures they’d been collecting for years: the Eiffel Tower, the Cathedral of Notre Dame, the Louvre, the Arc de Triomphe, Versailles, and a dozen other places. They talked about a river cruise on the Seine and going to the opera. It was a dream they’d had since they were girls, I think.”

Zoe picked up her mug and put it to her lips, but then set it down again without drinking.

“Is that cold? You want a fresh mug?”

Zoe shook her head. “I assume they never got there?”

“Her friend did. But Celia stayed home to take care of Ava and Marsha. It’s my fault. If I hadn’t gotten Marsha pregnant, she’d have gone off to college, and Celia would have gone to Paris with her friend.”

Jake was a little appalled at his admission. He’d never admitted out loud to anyone how guilty he felt about how different things might have been for Celia had he not let lust get in the way of good sense.

“I can see how you might feel it’s your fault. But really? Why didn’t Celia just put the trip off a few weeks or months and go later? Surely Marsha could have managed without her once Ava wasn’t a newborn. Every other new mother in the world manages. Even teenage mothers.”

“Marsha didn’t want to manage without her! She whined and cried, and Celia gave up her trip. She gave up her life!” Jake shut his mouth abruptly, aware that once again, he’d let anger over things in the past erupt into the present where they had no business. “I just wish I’d taken Celia to Paris sooner. While she still remembered her dream.”

Zoe felt the anguish in Jake’s voice clear down to her own soul. She’d done things she regretted. Like sleeping with Porter. Except if she hadn’t, there wouldn’t be any Molly, and she already loved the little being growing inside her with fierce intensity. She couldn’t imagine not having Molly in her life.