Falling Hard (Hidden Secrets Book 6) (12 page)

Chapter Fourteen

Nathan

Damn it! Why did I walk away? Fuck! I miss her so much already.

All she had to do was ask me to stay, say she loved me, or that she wanted to come with. But she didn’t do any of them. My heart already leapt and I couldn’t stop that, but this time I stopped myself from making another ass of myself. Mary may have been love, but it wasn’t the same as it is with Kristy. It wasn’t this good with Mary. This intense, overpowering, consuming. I think I wanted so bad what everyone else was finding that I imagined those feelings there with Mary. Now look at me. I’m finally in love for real and I’m still left without the girl.

“What’s wrong?” Nick asked, pulling me from my inner turmoil.

“I, uh, well,” I just couldn’t put a voice around it.

“That girl wasn’t just a fling, was she?”

Shaking my head as I fought off becoming a pussy. “No, she was far more than that Nick.” I look out the window as the plane begins to take off. “Way more than that,” I whisper sadly.

Nick’s hand rests on my shoulder. “I’m sorry man. I know what it’s like to love someone and they leave. Well, in your case you had to leave.”

Turning my head, I look at him. “How do you make it through a day?” I throw my head back against the seat. “I sound like a fucking chick.”

“Nah man, it’s just us two crazy guys in love but can’t have our girls. No one will know, but us.” He smirked then. “Unless you piss me off, then I’ll make a billboard of that shit!”

“You’re an ass,” I grumble through my laughter.

“Honestly, I don’t know how I do it.” Nick said getting serious. “Especially sitting and watching my family one by one finding their forever’s. Every time I look at any of the kids, it kills me. I saw all that with Jennifer. But I figure if I’m meant to have them, I will, but until then I just love the shit out of my nieces and nephews.”

“I saw that with Kristy. The kids. The wedding. The dream. But I guess she didn’t see it with me.”

“Maybe getting back home will help you? Put things in prospective.”

“No that’s what this trip was about. Gaining a new prospective. I found it,” I sighed.

“Hey,” he hit my chest. “You’re not hung up on Mary anymore,” Nick laughed.

“No, that I’m not.”

The flight was long and boring. Nick slept most the time. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Kristy. It was torture. Just pure torture. Why didn’t she fight for us? There was no way that I’m the only one that felt that way. I could see it in her eyes as she smiled and said ‘
Take care of yourself Nate. You deserve the very best life has to offer
’. Why couldn’t she see that the best for me was her?

I heard her crying on the other side of the hotel room door. The pounding of her fists and her sobs. I wanted to go back in there and wrap her in my arms, but she didn’t want that. She didn’t want me.

The plane landed and Nick dropped me off at home. My house was a mess. I’d been in such a bad way before leaving that I didn’t care to keep things up. Here I am now, staring at the disappointment that I was. It’s like I left as one man and come back as a complete other.

I spent the next couple of days cleaning. Every time I started thinking about Kristy, I started cleaning again. In all the years, I’ve lived in this house never has it been this clean. Jason keeps offering me land out by his house, but I’m not sure I’m ready to move yet. I don’t really have a reason to build a home. To say I hadn’t thought about it over the course of being with Kristy was a lie. Because I had. Thought about it that is. But then she didn’t do anything to keep me there or let me know she felt the same about me.

My fist hit my counter as I roared out my conflicting emotions. Why, for just one damn time in my life, couldn’t someone just want to love me? I’ve spent my life with hatred, loss. Just give me one fucking moment where I can say it’s great to be Nathan Lane. I guess I did have that moment. It just didn’t last as long as I wanted it to last.

The bell from my doorbell broke into my thoughts and I made my way out to the entryway. Not even bothering to check who was there, I just opened the door. Immediately, I cursed myself for not looking and tried to shut the door.

“Hey pussy,” Danger said as he stopped the door from closing.

“What the hell do you want?”

“Came to check on ya. Apparently I’m on pussy detail lately.”

“I’m alive and kicking, now get the fuck out,” I growled as I attempted to shut the door again.

“Dude someone’s panties are in a wad. What the fuck man? You’ve been gone for months and you come back in a worse mood than when you left.” He grinned. “You didn’t get any while you were over there, did ya?”

“Jesus Danger, you really are an asshole. Go annoy someone else.” I walked away from the door and back into my kitchen.

“Hey man, I figured we could join forces. You know, since we seem to be the only ones not involved with a Willams member.”

“What are you afraid they’ll kick you to the curb when they realize what an asshole you really are?”

“Nah I figure I’m safe if you didn’t get kicked to the curb after all you did.”

“Thanks,” I glared at him. “Get out.”

“Okay. Seriously though man. How are you?”

Sighing, I ran my hand over my face before running it through my hair. “I’ve been better.”

“You still hung up on her, huh?”

“No, Vicky and Jake were right. Getting away put that in prospective. I think I forced those feelings with Mary because I was afraid if I didn’t I’d lose the only family I’ve ever really had. But when I went to Australia, I realized after a week of being there that maybe I already had. No one thought to call me about Eli. Nobody thought I’d want to be here.”

Danger sat on one of the stools across from me. “Dude, that time was so damn hectic and busy. Hell, it was one emotional rollercoaster after the next. They lost Eli and then almost lost Jake.”

“Was he really that bad?”

“Yeah… I found Jake in his hotel room. It’s an image that haunts me. But thankfully they didn’t have to bury two men instead of one. Mrs. Williams is having a hard time as it is. She tries to keep herself upbeat and focus on the kids, but you can see it in her eyes and everyone kind of walks on eggshells around her too.”

“Understandable though. No parent ever pictures outliving their children.”

“Yeah… So… Did you have fun on your vacation?”

“Yeah, you could say that,” I mumbled.

“What are the chicks like there?”

“I only met one,” I said hesitantly.

“The whole time you were there and you only had sex once. Man you need to learn how to have a vacation.”

“No, I met one woman, but we spent two months together. She showed me around and…”

“Holy Shit, you fell in love with her!” Danger laughed.

Glaring at him, “I don’t see what…”

“Dude, love sucks! I’m glad I’ve still got my balls. Y’all are turning into pussies around here. Need to remember not to drink anymore of the water around here.”

“Ohhh man, you’re going to fall. You’re going to fall hard and I’m going to laugh my fucking ass off.”

“Nah, not going to happen because this right here,” he stood and grabbed his junk, “doesn’t double dip.”

“We’ll see about that,” I laughed.

Damn, I hope the woman that knocks him off his feet, drags him through the fucking dirt.

* * *

Today I was driving out to pay my respects. It was heartbreaking to think that a man that’d I run across so many times in my career then became my brother was no longer around. That he wasn’t going to show up at the station and tell me that he needed me as a character witness or remind me about something going on with the family.

Elijah wasn’t just a man that was feared in the courtroom. He was a man that was loved everywhere he went, who went out of his way to help others, and who loved his family with all his heart. The reason he was taken so early and so young is beyond me. Everyone always wants to tell you that everything happens for a reason, but there will never be a good enough reason for losing him. Never.

Kneeling down I pressed a kiss to my fingers and touched his head stone.

Elijah Williams

Beloved son, brother, husband, father and friend.

Fly with the doves, soar in the clouds, but live forever in our hearts.

There right in front of me was a picture of Eli etched into the stone. Without warning the tears began to fall. Seeing his face there in granite made it all real. He was really gone. He’s really gone…

“Damn it man! I told you that you were going to have a beer on
my
grave one day. It wasn’t supposed to be me standing here crying at yours! I want to hate you. I want to man, but I can’t. My heart is too broken to hate you. Damn you!” I broke off as sadness took over me, consuming. “I love you, brother. I’ll miss you.”

After a few moments, I pulled myself away and walked back to my car. Though that was hard to face, I knew he was sitting next to me with his hand on my shoulder telling me it was going to be okay. I’m not sure how it will be, but I’m going to push forward and honor him as he would have done if he were still here.

My days were all blurring together and next thing I know I am standing in the backyard of the Williams house for their monthly gathering. It honestly felt a bit awkward after the way I just talked to Jake not long ago and still have not hashed things out with him.

I’m back to work though, and that has helped take my mind off Kristy some. Though the minute I walk into my house, I see her. No, I mean literally. I took all the pictures I had of her and hung them up around the house, aside from our photo booth sex ones. Those are in my nightstand for my night time releases.

“Shut the fuck up Kaylee!”

My head snaps up at Jake yelling at Kaylee. Wow! That was something he’s never done before. He was always the mediator of the crew. Then I looked next to him and saw a
very
pregnant Vicky. She was crying. Immediately, I started moving toward them. By the time I got up there, Jake had finished his speech and pulled Vicky from the house.

Mrs. Williams started crying immediately as did Kaylee. Jeff held Kaylee in his arms and Mr. Williams held his wife. No one was saying anything and it was pissing me off. So I spoke up.

“Look, I know that I had my words with Jake not long ago. And yeah, I felt as if I was never really a part of this family. But I screwed up one wedding,” I turned to Mary and Tobey. “I’m so sorry about that. But I won’t let another be ruined. Everyone needs to get their shit,” I cringed. “Sorry ma’am,” I apologized, looking at Mrs. Williams, who laughed. “We need to get to that courthouse because that woman that Kaylee so harshly put down. Has been in love with Jake from the day I met her. She is a brilliant woman that saved my life and I owe her a lot. I’m not going to let anything ruin their day. If you can’t do this for them, then you aren’t the amazingly big hearted family, I thought I was once a part of.”

With that, I hurried through the doors and headed out to my car. I headed in the direction of the courthouse, but I wasn’t going in. The conversation that Jake and I needed to have wasn’t going to happen at his wedding. I’m sure there will be a reception. I’ll talk to him then.

Standing down at the cove, I stare out over the water. It reminds me of the time Kristy and I spent together. We walked on so many beaches, but one of the best was when we went out to the reef. She looked so beautiful with her excitement and then her enthusiasm afterward. It was her brightest smile by far. I liked that we got to experience everything together. It made it more exciting and her reaction really fueled my excitement as well.

A throat cleared behind me and I turned to find Jake standing nervously behind me.

“Hey man,” Jake said, holding out his hand.

“Hey brother,” I said as I pulled him into a hug. “Congratulations on getting married and the triplets. She’s a smart woman. She definitely picked right.”

“Thanks. That means a lot to me.”

“Sorry about getting angry at you.” I said just diving right into the talk we needed to have. “That was selfish of me. Y’all are my family and I thought for a moment you didn’t see me the same.”

“Man, you’re just as much my brother as Jack is. It really wasn’t intentional. I wasn’t in a good place.”

“I heard,” I said sadly looking down at my feet before meeting his eyes. “You’re okay now?”

“Yeah, I’m clean and the happiest I’ve ever been.”

“You look it. That emptiness I’m used to seeing from you is gone.”

“You look happy too. What’s going on? How was the vacation?”

“Vicky is a brilliant woman. Going on that vacation was the best thing I’ve ever done in my life,” I beamed though it was also what had my heart breaking too, but I won’t tell him that.

“No shit! You met someone!” Jake exclaimed.