Falling in Love in New York (34 page)

Was Erin right? she wondered, staring at a recent photograph of her and Finn together. Should she risk throwing all it away in the belief that he wouldn’t want her once he found out the truth?

She was sure he loved her, there was no question about that, but didn’t he in turn deserve someone who could love him completely, and who wasn’t the equivalent of a ticking time bomb, ready to explode any time soon?

And they couldn’t go through the same charade over and over again, it was crazy and pointless and completely unfair to both of them, but mostly to Finn.

How would
she
feel if he woke up one day and had absolutely no memory of knowing her and loving her or of the experiences they’d shared, normal everyday things that
normal
couples shared.

She’d put up with it certainly but how long could it realistically last? Could she see herself in ten years time doing the same thing and going through the same scenario every time something happened? No, it wasn’t fair to expect that of someone, no matter how much they might love you now. Things changed and marriage was hard at the best of times, never mind something like this.

When researching Alzheimers that time, Abby had read firsthand how devastated and hurt the families of sufferers were when a loved one failed to recognise and remember them. She couldn’t expect Finn to go through that every time she lost her memory, it would feel every time as if a little piece of him was worn down, and eventually he would grow to resent her.

And conversely, how would Abby react each time she woke up knowing that she was married to someone who as far as she was concerned was a complete stranger? Who knew what kind of a reaction she would have, or the stress she’d put them both under by having to relearn everything about their marriage. It wasn’t right and it wasn’t normal and Abby knew she couldn’t put Finn through it. And that was only the start of it, as she’d tried to explain to Erin, what if by some stupid reasoning, they decided to have kids? Would Abby have to get to know them all over again every time too?

No, it was crazy; she couldn’t do this to herself or to Finn. What was happening to her wasn’t normal, and while she now had to try and figure out what to do with the rest of her life, she couldn’t drag Finn down with her. He deserved so much better.

Realising that she didn’t have the courage (or indeed the energy) to speak to him that night, she decided to send him a quick text and then think about it some more overnight.

Hi, sorry about earlier, don’t mind me– I’m fine now. Was over at Erin’s and only back now. Will talk tomorrow OK? X

As much as she wanted to, Abby couldn’t bring herself to end the text in their usual way by telling him she loved him. And she realised miserably, if she went ahead with her plan, it was unlikely she’d ever have the opportunity to do so again.

****

He phoned first thing the following morning.

“Hey it’s me, what’s going on?”

Abby’s heart plummeted at the sound of his voice. She hadn’t slept a wink the previous night, instead she’d tossed and turned and fretted until daybreak. While last night she’d convinced herself beyond doubt that she was doing the right thing, hearing him on the other end of the line was now seriously testing her convictions.

“Hi,” she said quietly. “Nothing much.”

“Well what about that message you left me yesterday? You sounded really upset.”

Abby swallowed hard. “I was, but I’m OK now.”

“You’re sure?” 

“Yes, it was nothing honestly.”

“Well, I’m not sure if I heard right ‘cos you were speaking so fast, but did you mention something about bumping into Kieran?”

“That’s right yes.” Abby tried to keep her tone even and there was a brief pause before he spoke again.

“So how did that go then?”

“It was … strange,” she said hesitating a little. She’d thought about doing it over the phone, but it wasn’t fair and in any case, she knew he wouldn’t accept it. Much better to just wait until she saw him in person. Still, would she able to do it if he was standing right in front of her in such close proximity? It would be agonising but still she would have to do it.

“Strange,” he repeated and Abby knew he was waiting to hear more.

“Yes, look can we talk about this when you get back?” she said, again trying to keep her voice as normal as possible although in reality her hands were shaking and her legs felt like jelly.

“OK, well I’ll see you this afternoon then. All going well I should be home around three. I’ll pop over to Dad’s to collect Lucy and then we’ll both come over to you– ”

“Maybe better not to bring Lucy this time,” Abby interjected, trying to think of some excuse not to have her around for what she was about to do. No doubt it would make it even harder. “It’s just um … well I’ve cleaned the carpet and I don’t want her hairs getting all over it.”

Finn hesitated a beat before replying. “OK, well then I’ll leave her at Dad’s for a little while longer.”

“If you wouldn’t mind.”

“Fine.” Now it was obvious that he knew something wasn’t right. “See you later then.”

“Bye,” Abby replaced the receiver and slumped heavily to the floor.

Finn arrived at her flat that afternoon, and one look at him told Abby that this was going to be even harder than she’d thought. There was a dark covering of stubble on his jaw, which made him look even more attractive than usual, and those probing liquid brown eyes she was so worried about now bored heavily into hers. 

“Hey,” he said, coming inside, and as he didn’t make any attempt to hug or kiss her, Abby knew that their conversation must have successfully laid some groundwork. She was grateful for the fact that he
hadn’t
made contact–if he had, she could very well falter.

“Hi,” she said levelly. “How was the trip?”

“It was fine. Look Abby what’s going on?” Finn asked, leaning on the back of the armchair. “You sounded really strange on the phone yesterday. What’s happened? And why didn’t you want me to bring Lucy?”

She looked away unable to meet his gaze.

“Something’s happened,” she told him in a broken voice.

“Well, I kind of guessed that much.” Finn gave a short, humourless, laugh. “So what’s up?”

“Maybe we should sit down …”

“OK.”

With that, he came round and sat down on the armchair, but instead of relaxing into it like he normally would, he perched on the edge, his pose tense and rigid.

Again, Abby was struck by how much she really loved this man, how she adored every inch of him. But strangely enough, rather than make things even harder, it actually reiterated how necessary this was, and in a way, gave her the strength to see it through. This was no longer about her feelings; it was
entirely
about his.

Summoning every ounce of courage she had, Abby swallowed hard.

“Finn, I bumped into Kieran yesterday.”

“I know–you said.”

“And … well, it was a bit surreal.”

He said nothing, waiting for her to elaborate.

Oh God, I can’t do this, Abby thought, a momentous battle raging inside her. “Finn, I don’t know how to say this but …”

Now he frowned, and his expression became guarded. “Say what?”

“We’ve had a wonderful time together, and you’ve helped through so much, but …”

“But what?” he asked, his eyes widening.

“I’m really sorry,” Abby fought back tears, “but straight away I realised I’m still in love with him.” The lie came out a lot easier than she’d anticipated.

“With Kieran?” Finn was staring at her with a mixture of horror and confusion. “What? But he’s married.”

Abby shook her head. “Not for much longer, the marriage failed, he doesn’t love her, they’re getting divorced, he made a big mistake.”  Somehow lie after lie gushed out of her mouth, but she couldn’t help it. She had no other choice.

“He made a big mistake.” Finn repeated sarcastically. “And when did he discover this? Was it before or after he’d dumped you for someone else after five years of a relationship just because you weren’t classy enough?” She knew he was trying to hit her where it hurt, and she tried not to let it get to her. “Or was it when he realised his new wife wasn’t as easy to control, or didn’t bow to his every need like you did?” His words were cruel but Abby knew she deserved them. Anyway, they also proved that Finn didn’t suspect anything untoward, and believed every word of what she was saying.

“It wasn’t like that,” she protested. “We had a very long chat and I understand exactly where he was coming from. Apparently, the marriage was over before it had even begun. Anyway, that part of it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I found out that the feelings Kieran and I had–
have
–for one another are still very strong. And I can’t just ignore that.”

“Oh, I see. But you seem fully prepared to ignore
my
feelings, and what
we
have, not to mention everything we’ve been through over the last few months!” he said, and she knew that this wounded him more than anything. “But then again that’s nothing new with you, is it? Most of the time I’m lucky if you remember from one day to the next who I actually am!” Each word felt like a dagger through her heart but again it merely brought it home to Abby how difficult their situation already was, let alone what it would be like if they carried on–given what she’d learned. No, this might be agony now, but at the end of the day, it was the best possible thing, for both of them.

“I’m sorry,” she said mutely.

“You’re sorry? Is that all you can say? You’re telling me you’re dumping me for some guy, who as far as I’m concerned sounded like an controlling, penny-pinching arsehole who couldn’t be more wrong for you, and certainly doesn’t deserve you! Does he know about you? About your head injury?” he asked. “What does he make of that then?”

“He knows what to expect.”

“So you’re actually–
seriously
–considering going back with him?” Finn gasped, shaking his head in amazement. “You’re seriously prepared to throw away everything we have for some guy who treated you like dirt?”

“It wasn’t like that, we were both at fault and– ”

“Oh, don’t give me that crap, Abby. If you honestly believe that then you have even bigger problems with your memory that you thought! Kieran was totally wrong for you; you admitted that to me yourself! What’s changed?”

“I don’t know, it’s difficult to explain. Please don’t make this any harder than it is Finn,” she cried and now the tears were genuine. She couldn’t keep this up much longer; it was bad enough that she had to lie to him at all, let alone having to hear home truths about her relationship with Kieran too. “I can’t help how I feel.”

“So you’re breaking up with me, is that it? Now that the wonderful Kieran is back you’ve decided to just cast me aside like some old plaything?”

“It’s not like that. I care a lot about you, but when I met Kieran I– ”

“I don’t fucking believe this!” Finn ran a hand through his hair. “You’re actually considering going back to him?”

“I’m not considering it,” she said, landing what she hoped would be the final blow. “I’ve already decided. I love Kieran, have always loved him and I just can’t help how I feel. Look, we have a fantastic time together and I’ll always care for you–”

“Is this some kind of a joke Abby? We’re engaged for God’s sake!” He looked at her finger and seemed to realise only then that she was no longer wearing her ring.

“I’m sorry Finn, but you have to understand that I can’t marry you now, not knowing what I know. It wouldn’t be fair.” It was the only piece of truth she’d uttered since he arrived and despite the fact that it was killing her, Abby knew it was for the best.

“Abby, come on, you can’t be serious.” Those intense brown eyes seemed to penetrate her very soul and again she had to look away. “After all we’ve been through?”

She nodded, her face impassive. “I’m sorry. Please don’t try and change my mind,” she added, trying to make her tone hard and devoid of emotion, “it’s no use.”

At this, Finn’s bewilderment finally turned to anger. “So now that lover-boy’s back, you want me to just turn tail so you can get on with your life as if I never even existed?” he bellowed. “Well, I suppose
that
much will be easy for you all the same– God knows you wouldn’t have a clue who I was if it weren’t for those bloody records!” Abby had never seen him so hurt and upset and was forced to remind herself yet again that she was doing this–
had
to do it–for his own benefit. 

“OK then if that’s what you want fine–let’s do that.” Finn fumed. “Let’s end it all here and now. And while we’re at it, why don’t I do the job for you?” Following that, he got up and stormed into her bedroom.

“What … what are you doing?” she asked, shocked and more than a little scared by the ferocity of his anger. She went after him into the bedroom to find him standing in front of her computer, furiously tapping on the keyboard. “Finn, what are you doing?” she asked again.

“What am I doing?” He turned to look at her, and Abby didn’t think she’d never forget the look of pain and betrayal in his eyes right then. “Can’t you figure it out?”

She looked at the screen and realised that he was opening up all the files; all the diaries, pictures and video clips–all the memories–she’d kept of him and their relationship over the last few months. Wonderful, happy memories, like pictures of the two of them on their own and with Lucy, with her family and his dad just after their engagement, the video clip of his amazing proposal…  

“I’m taking myself out of the picture, out of your life, just like you want,” Finn went on. “Hey, you tried to do all this yourself before, remember?”

Abby could do nothing but stand and watch as his fingers moved over the keys with alarming speed, as he deleted each and every item–every memory. And unlike that last time, when she’d tried to do it, this time Finn didn’t forget to move them out of recycle bin.

Delete selected items permanently
? the computer prompted when he’d deleted them all individually.

“Hell yeah!” Finn grunted, stabbing the
‘Yes’
button with added determination.

Finally he stood back and turned to meet her gaze for what Abby now knew for sure would be the very last time. As he did, she saw that his eyes were red-rimmed.

“There you go,” he said resignedly. “The slate’s wiped clean–have a nice life.”

Then, without another word, Finn marched out of the room and out of Abby’s life.