Falling In (4 page)

“
You look like you’re thinking really hard, Mama,” he says, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“
You knew you would get me back, didn’t you?” I whisper, not looking up at him. He knew I would be back in his arms.

“
I’m pretty sure I told you that the first night I had you, or rather you had me.”

I can’t help but laugh at the reminder. I did have him. With the bad boys, they don’t like when a woman takes control in the bedroom. I’m normally okay with that because, hell, it’s only one night. As long as I cum, what does it really matter? Not Saint, though. His surrender was real. I told him to get on my bed and hold the headboard because I was going to fuck him, and he did it without pause.

He’s also right about being his that first night. At first I thought they were words said in the heat of passion, but come daybreak, Saint’s naked ass wouldn’t leave. It became impossible to kick him out because he would drop to his knees and growl, “Mama,” before shoving his mouth between my legs. Then I found myself saying it was time for him to go just so he would do it again. The joke was on me.

“
I love you,” he whispers. I know he does. I also know I’ve never said it to him. Climbing on top of him, I straddle his hips, look down at him, and finally say it. “I love you too.”

A smile pulls at his lips, and crinkles the scar on his cheek. “I know you do, Mama.”

“
Then why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, playfully slapping his chest.

“
Can’t make someone tell you they love you.”

“
I make you tell me all the time.”

“
Different, Mama. Everyone knows I love you. Ain’t no hiding it.” True. Saint seems to have no shame when it comes to me. I love that about him. Never do I have to choose my words with him, or pretend to be something I’m not. He would never cut me down or make me feel less than I am. It’s ironic that, while Saint might be on his knees for me, he’s the one with all the strength.

“
We’re going to do this aren’t we? The whole babies, marriage, happily ever after?” I say, getting serious again.

“
Told you that the first night too. Only thing now is you gotta let me give it to you.”

He’s right. It’s time. He told me about his past, and it’s time for me to tell him about mine.

“
You know, I don’t have parents anymore either.” I feel his hands tighten. I never talk about my past. He knows what’s coming.

“
They died when I was nineteen—my sophomore year in college. Car crash. The cops told me they died on impact.”

“
Oh, Mama,” Saint murmurs, and starts to rub my legs.

I can feel the lump forming in my throat start to rise. All these years and it’s still hard to talk about.

“
They were wonderful, Saint. Perfect. It was just us. Both of them were only children and their parents passed when I was a kid. We were this perfect little family, just the three of us. Then I was all alone. It was hard at first, but I had friends who helped me get through it. My family wasn’t rich by any means, but they did okay. I was set up after their deaths. I could stay in school, not have to worry about working. But I was lonely.”

Leaning down, I lay my head on Saint’s chest. I don’t want to look at him for the next part.

“
Nick was perfect too…in the beginning.” Saint wraps his arms around me and holds me in place.

“
I think I was vulnerable—too innocent, too trusting. Now I can see I was an easy mark for a man like him. I was someone he could control. I was a little bit lost and he knew I would cling to him. And he was right. Things moved fast with him. I was caught up in this fairytale. Here was this older man showering me with attention, telling me we would get married, have babies, he would become partner at his firm, and I, once again, would have my perfect family. I wouldn't be lonely anyone.”

“
You’ll get your perfect family, Mama, I promise.”

I shake my head because I know he’ll do anything to give me that. That’s just the kind of man Saint is, I give him the rest of my story. “Everything was great for a while. Then my friends starting saying they never saw me anymore and that they thought Nick was too controlling. He told me they were just jealous because we were so happy. And, to be honest, I didn’t care that he was controlling at the time. He was still wearing his mask, but then it started to slip and his need for control went to a whole new level—from knowing where I was every second of the day to picking out what I wore and even what I ate.”

“
It’s okay, baby. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

“
I know, I know. It’s not about the pain or the betrayal anymore. I hate who I was, who I became with him.”

“
Don’t do that to yourself, Mama. You were young. You were hurting. He took advantage of that,”

I know he’s right. But it’s easier said than done.

“
He didn’t full-out lie to me. He did want a perfect life. But he just wanted
his
perfect life. I could practically see a mask slip on his face when he would start to go into one of his moods. Things like my leaving a towel on the floor or wearing the wrong dress to a company event would set him off. The first few times he hit me, it wasn’t too bad. He always begged me to stay and said he was stressed at work. He said I should be more understanding. But it just grew worse. I started to withdraw from him and he knew it. I knew I didn’t love him. I loved the idea of him but he wasn’t real. Never was.”

“
Then one night he accused me of flirting with his co-workers at a company party when he made partner. It wasn’t until we were behind closed doors that the real Nick showed himself. The front door wasn’t even closed and he was on me. His hands wrapped around my neck and he forced himself on me. He told me if I was going to flirt with his co-workers like a paid whore he would treat me like one. And he did.” I feel a tear escape down my cheek and land on Saint’s chest.

“
After he left for work the next day, I took off. I packed a bag, withdrew some money from the account my parents had set up for me and took a Greyhound out of town. I left a note telling him if he came after me, I would tell everyone who the real Nick was. Not that anyone would believe me. Not perfect Nick. By this time my friends were long gone and I was utterly alone. I thought if I lay low for a few months he would quit looking for me, if he ever even tried to look for me in the first place. He used to say he would kill me if I left him. When I looked in his eyes, Saint, I believed him.”

“
I don’t doubt he would,” Saint says more calmly than I expected. “I’m so sorry, Mama.”

“
Nothing to be sorry about now. It’s over. I’m over it,” I say, sitting back up.

“
No, you’re not. Not yet but we’ll get you there. You have to let me in. You pushing me away all the time is because of the scars that man left on you. Don’t you see? You’re still giving him control. Control over us.”

His words hit me hard. He couldn't be more right. I am who I am because of Nick. He’s the reason I’ve changed. Some of the changes I like, some I need to let go of.

“
I’m sorry about what happened to you and that our paths didn’t cross sooner,” he pauses, measuring his words carefully. “But I need to be honest with you. I already know your story.”

I drop my head to stare down at his chest. I run my fingers through his chest hair.

“
You mad, Mama?”

“
No,” I say simply, because I’m not. This isn’t surprising. Saint is, after all, a computer hacker. I don’t know the specifics but I know he’s pretty good. It had actually crossed my mind a few times already that he might look into my past. I wasn’t hiding that well. I knew I just needed to stay hidden for a little while and give Nick time to move on. That thought makes my stomach clench. Not because he’s with someone else, but in fear for that someone else, whoever they may be.

“
You seem a lot calmer about all this than I thought you would be. Is it because you’ve known for a while?” I ask.

“
Actually, I haven’t known that long. I wanted you to open up to me on your own—”

“
Oh, Saint,” I interrupt, feeling my heart ache at his words.

“
It’s fine, Mama, we’re getting there. But when everything happened with Carter and Layla, and you wouldn’t give me the time of day unless it was to try to piss me off. But then again you know I’ll take any attention you shoot my way.” He gives me his cocky grin. I just roll my eyes.

“
I had a few drinks one night. Got to missing you real bad. I told myself that if I found out what happened, who hurt you before, maybe I could make it better, and maybe I could find a way to get my Mama back faster.”

My heart squeezes more because I put him through this. He was just trying to make me better, like he tried with his mom.

“
I’m so sorry, Saint. I know I’ve got some messed-up shit and I know I can be crazy.”

“
Mama, stop,” he orders firmly, gripping my hips. “I don’t want you to change. I love your crazy. Your crazy drives me crazy for you. I couldn’t imagine you without your fire. I don’t want to. You couldn’t be more perfect for me. The first time you opened your mouth, I knew it. You were mine. Better yet, I’m yours.”

I feel another tear slip out.

“
I want to get past some of the things I’m still hanging on to.”

“
You will. With me.” He sits up and wraps me in his arms, just holding me. “We’re going to kill Nick.”

He says it so matter-of-factly, as if he had just asked me what I wanted for dinner tonight. It takes me a moment to fully process what he’s said.

I push back on his chest so I can look him in the eyes. I can see how serious he is. His eyes look a shade darker now than they did before. More intense “You can’t be serious.”

Saint picks me up off his lap and sets me back down on the bed. He strolls across the room and opens a dresser drawer, pulling out a file. He brings it back to the bed and tosses it down next to me.

“
Nick Clint was suspended in high school after a female classmate said he raped her. Seems Nick’s father had some good lawyers and got that to disappear. Luckily I know how to find lost things. In college one of Nick’s girlfriends went missing. She still hasn’t been found. Then he got himself engaged. Before they could ever say “I do,” it seemed she slipped down the stairs and died in the hospital the next day. And then there was you. Your doctor seemed to think you were accident prone.”

I feel my breath catch in my chest.

“
Just like the new Mrs. Clint.”

Oh, fuck.

“
You see, Mama. The world will be a better place without a man like Nick in it. And I have no problem giving him a little taste of his own medicine. I won’t lose any sleep over putting a bullet through his head. But this is your show, Jeanette. Just remember, monsters of your past are always there lurking in the dark, creeping up on you at night. We can make the monster go away. You can make it go away.”

SAINT

It’s been a few weeks since she finally opened up to me. Things have been pretty damn close to perfect. After everything got cleared up with Layla and her father, the waters have been calm. There’s just one more thing that needs to be taken care of, and then I’ll know my Mama will be free from all the shit that fucker did to her. I’ll do anything to give that to her. Anything. After that, we can really start a life—pick out a place together, plant some babies in her, and do the normal nine-to-five. I’ll even drive a goddamn minivan if that’s Jeanette’s idea of the perfect little life.