Authors: Sadie Grubor
Slamming
and crashing poured from the bus behind me. I didn't look back until I got to
the entrance. Jackson and Nicholas scrambled to get onto the bus.
That’s it
go baby the asshole.
I
found the girls, who could tell by the look on my face I was pissed off, though
no one asked. They knew what, or rather who, was the cause. Instead, they kept
the conversation light.
"This
heat is going to kill my hair," Laney pouted to her reflection in the
large vanity mirror.
"Christ,
Lane, you barely have enough hair to call yourself a girl. Quit bitching."
Kat playfully teased.
"You're
so mean." Lane stuck her bottom lip out.
I
smiled, welcoming the familiarity of their banter.
We
headed to the stage for sound checks and then it was off to hair, make-up, and
wardrobe for the concert. After we'd spent three hours being dressed for the
show, Una came into our backstage room.
"Mia,
is everything okay?" She scanned me intently.
Here
we go, now I'm going to be to blame for his behavior.
"Una,
he's an asshole, a complete dick." I defended in a huff.
"He
didn't do anything to you did he?" She kneeled in front of me.
I
sat up straight and shook my head.
"Why
would you think he did something to me?" She hesitated. "I mean,
yeah, he's been an asshole, but if you mean physically hurt me, wait, why would
I have to worry about that?"
"I
told you Christopher has a past. I don't know the whole story, but what I do
know is that he has a temper and Nicholas had to settle him down earlier today.
Someone mentioned hearing you two fighting with each other. Then you ran from
the bus, so Nicholas and I wanted to make sure –"
"It
was just an argument." Then realization hit me. "Should I be worried
he would hurt me like that?" My eyes widened. Everyone was looking to Una
answers.
"I
–"
"We
just wanted to be sure." Nicholas's voice made my head snapped as he
entered the door.
"Has
it happened before?" I scowled at him. Had they really put me on a bus
with a guy that beats up women or something?
"Not
with a person we're touring with, no, but with strangers yes." Nicholas
pinched the bridge of his nose. "I know you both have this tension between
you, so I just needed to be sure. He swore he hadn't done anything to harm you,
but I needed to hear it from you." He walked over and put his hand on my
shoulder. "I'm sorry Mia. We will have your things moved back to your bus
before the show is over tonight."
I
didn't say anything and I didn't move. Did I really think he was dangerous to
me, that he could hurt me? No, I didn't believe that. For some reason I didn't
feel like he would or could be capable of hurting me. He obviously liked
pissing me off, but he didn't want to hurt me.
"Did
he ask for you to move my things?" I questioned, still not looking at
anyone or anything in particular.
"What?"
Nicholas shifted back and forth. "Um…no, he didn't, but I assumed –"
"He
didn't harm me and it seems to me that everyone is getting out of hand with
this. It was an argument. That's it." As I finished, there was a knock on
the door. Then the announcement we were on in ten minutes. I got up and walked
toward the door.
"Leave
my things." There was no way I was running after I stood up to him today;
he would not win this way.
*
* * * *
She
fucking threw a brush at me and Nicholas made accusations about me. Thanks dad.
I had to keep reassuring him that I didn't harm her. It was ridiculous. Therefore,
I had a temper and got into some fights a couple of years ago, but I hadn't
done that shit in so long. I guess it was too much to ask him to believe in me.
Wasn't
I allowed to be pissed off?
She hit me. I didn't hit her, no
matter how much the urge was there, I could never have done that. And it was
true. I'd seen enough of that shit. I could never hurt or harm her. The truth I
didn't want to admit to my father or myself is that having her so close to me
was making my plan even more difficult for me, instead of easier.
I'm
so sick of this. They still want to treat me like the Chris I used to be, well
then maybe I should live up to that expectation.
*
* * * *
Watching
from backstage with Laney,
The Forgotten
performed. The way she eyed
Jackson I could tell she was completely infatuated. Nudging her arm, I smiled
at her.
"What?"
She tried to hide her smile. Nodding toward Jackson, I winked at her. She
laughed and looked back at him.
"You
want to kiss him and have his babies," I sang into her ear.
She
smacked my arm and looked around us.
"Shut
up," she laughed. "He's just so pretty." Jackson captured her
attention again.
I
raised a brow at her description. "Pretty?"
She
nodded and bit her lip, never taking her eyes from him.
"Well,
I wouldn't tell him that." She looked at me confused. "I'm thinking
the seven foot tattooed and pierced giant probably doesn't take pretty as a
compliment."
She
started to scowl and I put my hands up in surrender. "I'm just saying."
Laughing,
she shook her head.
They
started their next song. They didn't play this track very often. Jackson's
nervous expression confused me and I looked at Elliott and James. They seemed
to be very focused on and concerned Christopher. Curious, I began to study
Christopher and really listen closely to his words. So many emotions passed
over his face; anger, pain, sadness, happiness, there was just so much. He didn't
even seem to realize he was on stage anymore. He was lost. Before I knew it, I
felt a tear fall down my cheek. Wiping it away quickly, the song was over and I
left the arena and went to the bus.
Quickly
showering and hurrying to change into some pajama bottoms and a tank top, I
climbed into the bunk. My mind was dissecting Christopher's performance. What
could've possibly inspired such emotional performance? There was so much
passion behind his lyrics. He seemed so alone in the middle of a crowded arena.
Eventually, the contemplation exhausted me and I fell asleep.
I
felt weighed down like I was sinking, and then the weight felt like it would
crush me. Waking with a gasp, I screamed when the dark figure covered me.
Shoving with my hands, I maneuvered my legs so I could use their strength to
push the shadow. Using my feet, the figure fell back and I heard a groan. I
recognized the smell of alcohol and the voice. Christopher.
Pushing
myself back to the corner of my bunk, knees to chest, I tried to catch my
breath. I stared at him horrified.
Had I been that wrong, feeling like he
wouldn't harm me? Would he prove me wrong tonight?
Shit, shit, shit.
"Fuhhckk…"
he slurred and stumbled into an upright position.
"Stay
back Christopher!" Scanning for anything I could use to fight him with or
for a way to escape, I found nothing.
Looking
back to his face, it shifted from anger to pain and then guilt. He mumbled
something I couldn't make out and quickly stumbled to his room. A loud crash
and a groan came from his room.
Pulling
myself up from the bunk, my instinct to run was crushed my draw toward him.
Leaning toward his door, I tried to call out to him.
"Christopher?"
My mouth moved, but it was soundless. I took a deep breath and tried again. "Christopher?"
This time it came aloud enough, but I got no response.
From
the doorway, I saw Christopher sprawled on the floor. It looked like he'd
knocked everything off the small table next to his bed. "Christopher –"
"Go.
Away!"
Curling
my body away from his anger, I sucked in a breath and walked toward him.
Reaching for his arm the tips of my fingers touched him and he pulled away.
Standing quickly he looked me straight in my face.
"Leave.
Me. The. Fuck Alone!" Shouting in my face, his breath smelled putrid. He
threw himself back on his bed and put his arm over his face.
I
was about to turn and leave when the bottles caught my attention. Scattered on
the floor were a variety of pills and prescription bottles. Leaning down, I
picked up the bottles and looked at the labels. Quickly standing, I turned back
to him.
"Christopher
did you take these –." Before I could finish his intent stare stopped me.
Sitting up on the edge of the bed, his expression concerned me. I didn't know
if I should be scared or not, but I straightened myself up.
"Christopher.
Did you take any of these?" He didn't move, just stare. One slow step
forward, he still didn't move nor take his eyes from me. Taking his chin in my hand,
I leaned down toward his face. "Did you take any of these pills and how
many did you take?" When he still didn't respond, I dropped my head. "Please
answer me." Still nothing,
"Fine,
I'll get Nicholas," I sputtered and looked to the door. The sound of him
sobbing made me stop. Looking down on him, he had dropped his face into his
palms.
Speaking
quietly, "I'll be right back."
Then
quicker than I could process he grabbed my arm, pulled me in front of him, and
pressed his forehead against my stomach. I gasped loudly as his hands took firm
hold on my hips. I don't know how long we stayed like that before my mind
caught up with everything.
"Did
you take any pills?" For a moment, I thought maybe he wouldn't hear me.
Then he shook his head against my stomach. Relief flooded through me until his
hands slid around my lower back. Circling my waist, he locked me against him.
After
standing there a little longer, I tried to pull away, but he pulled closer and
lay back on his bed, taking me with him. Fear settled in and I tried to push
away. The fear continued to creep from the twists formed in my stomach up
through my chest and neck. He rolled so I was on my back and he curled up next
to me. Secured to his bed by his left arm over my waist and his left leg
wrapped over my shins, he buried his face into my side. Christopher became
motionless and I started to relax again.
Once
his breathing evened out, I shifted just a little. When he didn't make a sound
or a move, I tried to get up. His body locked up and his breath warmed my side.
"Please,
don't leave."
I
froze not knowing what to do. Part of me screamed to get the hell out, but the
other part felt sympathy for him. Sometime during my mental battle, exhaustion
won and I slipped to sleep under his iron clasp.
When
I woke up next morning, I was alone in Christopher's bed. Rubbing my eyes, I
took a deep breath, and got up. All the pills picked up, the bus was empty.
Well at least there won't be an uncomfortable silence this morning.
Grabbing
some clothes, I headed to the bathroom. After brushing my hair and my teeth, I
slipped into some jeans and a t-shirt. Stepping into my shoes, I exited the
bus.
As
I stepped off the last step Christopher was right there, about to get on. His
brow was furrowed. In a split second decision, I decided to treat him the same
as I normally would. Ignoring him, I kept walking toward the arena. I wouldn't
even know where to begin that conversation.
*
* * * *
We
didn't typically play the song and Jackson tried to protest, but I needed to do
it. After we completed
Losses
, I caught a glimpse of Mia walking away.
Turning, I saw the look on Jackson, Jimmy, and Elliott's face. I scowled at
them before we went on with our show.
Once
the show was over, I disappeared. I didn't want to hear the questions or have
everyone checking on me. If I had, to hear anyone ask me "how are you
feeling" or "how are you doing", I would definitely punch them
in the face. It was the one drawback to playing the song.
It
wasn't easy, but I thwarted Darius and found myself a dark corner in a local
bar drinking and drinking a lot. This wasn't something I did, especially on
tour. But tonight I couldn't stop. I needed it. Leaning my head back against a wall,
I closed my eyes only to be flooded with memories of her, of that night. The
anniversary of that night was less than six days away. I only hoped I could
consume enough alcohol to fight it all off tonight.
The
minute the bartender shut me off, I stumbled back to the arena where the buses parked.
A few paparazzi caught sight of me. Their flashes were freaking killing my
eyes. Once I was close enough to the arena, a couple of the security guards ran
up to help me. I could hear them talking on two way radios, but I wasn't sure
what they were saying. Darius appeared with a large scowl on his face and he
took in my appearance.
"I
don't know why you do this to yourself." He grumbled and carried me toward
my bus. He tried to climb onto the bus with me, but I shoved him off.
Stumbling
onto the bus, I was prepared for Nicholas to have had someone clean up my
destruction from earlier. What I wasn't ready for was Mia, but there she was in
her bunk, like nothing happened this morning. I was sure Nicholas would have
her moved off the bus after our blow up, especially after the way he went to
check on her.