Authors: K.T. Hastings
Tad stepped around a large oak tree and looked down.
“BRUCE! CALL 9-1-1!
Jake lay against the tree with his eyes closed, bottles and boxes strewn around him. Brandee let out a scream and fell against her fallen husband.
“JAKE! JAKE! JACOB! WAKE UP! TALK TO ME, JAKE!
She turned to Tad and, with tears streaming down her face, said, “He won't talk to me!”
Tad gently moved Brandee aside enough for him to be able to put his fingers on Jake's neck. He thought that he detected a pulse, but didn't know if it was his imagination. He could already hear the sounds of sirens coming closer.
37 minutes later, after heroic resuscitation efforts by a crew of EMTs, Jacob Lee Evans, age 34, was pronounced dead at the scene.
Later that day, after Jake's body had been removed from Wapato Park, Bruce remembered to get in touch with the venue manager for The Tacoma Freedom Fair to cancel
Brandee'
s scheduled concert. Since this was to be the last concert before the group went home, the group members were free to grieve the death of their friend.
***
Brandee Evans made arrangements for Jake's body to be flown back to Humboldt County, California. In accordance with his wishes, his body was to be cremated and the ashes given to his wife, so that she could dispose of them as he had desired.
A memorial service was held at the Presbyterian Church in Fortuna. Jake's parents, shaken by the news to say the least, came to California to view their son's body one last time before it was sent to the crematorium. Mary Evans was unable to look as the casket's cover was opened, but Peter Evans nodded somberly before turning away.
Brandee met with her in-laws outside the mortuary. The three of them stood in the wind-swept parking lot.
“I don't understand. I just don't,” Mary said.
“I know, Mary. I'm so sorry,” Brandee said.
Peter Evans looked at his daughter-in-law with a direct gaze. “Were the two of you having problems?”
Brandee paused. She had known that this question was going to come up, and had devised any number of answers that she thought might satisfy, or at least mollify, Peter and Mary. When it came down to it, though, all she could say into those eyes that reminded her so much of Jake's was the truth.
“Yes sir, we were.”
“Were you leaving him?”
“No sir, I was not. We went through some hard times. I take the blame for that. I was not leaving him, though. We could have worked it out.”
Peter nodded. “I love my son. I always will. I don't blame you for this act. It was his choice,” Peter's eyes welled up, tears spilling over and down his weathered cheeks. “I wish that he had at least called me for help.”
The elderly man, shattered by the loss of his only son, sank back against the fender of his car and cried.
Brandee and Mary cried, too. They cried as only those who suffer the devastating loss of a young person in the prime of their lives can cry. The grief and pain poured from them like an ever-rushing torrent. The three grieving Evanses held each other and sought a solace that refused to come.
***
Brandee passed the rest of the summer alone. She had been grateful for the comfort and forgiveness that she had felt from Jake's parents and knew deep inside that the decision Jake had made, though a response to what she had done, was his decision alone. She had profoundly betrayed her husband, but she had not killed him. She hoped that, someday, the ache that rested where her heart should have been would subside.
She had developed a routine. Each afternoon, near sunset, she would walk along the dike that bordered the Eel River just outside of Fortuna. As the sun settled in the west, Brandee would watch its descent over the river. Sometimes, she would remember watching the same scene with Jake. Other times, she would talk to him as if he were there. Still other times, she would just cry. No two consecutive days brought out the same emotion. She just knew that this daily touchstone was something that she needed to have. As the calendar pages were discarded through the summer and into fall, Brandee never missed a day of her walk.
One afternoon, Brandee was walking along the deserted dike. The early autumn breeze had a bit of a bite to it, and Brandee was completely alone on a path that never had very much foot traffic. As the wind whistled in from the ocean, she wrapped her sweater a little tighter around herself and peered to the west, waiting for the green flash over the water that meant the sun was down for good. As she watched for the solar flare, she saw something in the sky.
It was a single pure white seagull, riding the winds aloft. It soared and dived over the river, climbing to dizzying heights only to plunge toward the water, pulling up at the very last minute. It wheeled and circled over Brandee's head, showing her its tail feathers at times as if it were leaving, only to return for more aerobatics. Finally, the lone gull made a last circle low in the sky above the river and turned toward the ocean, flying straight and true into Brandee's line of vision with the setting sun. She watched the white bird fly away until it had disappeared from sight.
Brandee realized then that something had changed in her face. She reached up to her cheek with her left hand and touched the smile that had come across her lips. An idea has formed concurrent with the smile. Brandee turned towards home, walking quickly through the evening breeze.
***
A few days later, Suzi and Bruce met Diane for lunch. Their bond, forged by performing and traveling together and sealed by their grief over Jake made it seem natural that they would spend a lot of time together. In the days and weeks that followed Jake's memorial, they had been one another's nearly constant companions. Today, they sat at The Eel River Brewing Company, having lunch.
“What are you going to do next?” Suzi said to Diane. “We've talked a lot about it. Both of us want to get back to making and playing music. I couldn't have thought about it right after Jake died, but it's what I know and what I love to do. Besides”, she said, patting her rounder-than-before tummy, “It won't be too long before I won't be able to waddle up to a stage.
Diane smiled at Suzi's mother to be corpulence before addressing her friend's question. “I don't know,” Diane said, sipping her coffee. “Brandee said that she wants us all to get together tonight. Guess I'll just see what she has to say. I want to tell her goodbye anyway. Are you guys going to be there too?”
Bruce drummed his fingers on the table. “Yeah, we got the same call from Brandee. It got me to thinking, Diane. What if Brandee wants us to play with her?”
Diane looked pensive as she put her coffee cup down on the table. “I hadn't really thought about that as a possibility,” she said. What do you think?”
”Damn it all!” he exclaimed, slapping the table harder than he had meant to, attracting the notice of other diners. “I don't know what I want to do. I love playing with you guys; I really do. And I care about Brandee, too. I just don't know if I want to be the same group, though. How could it be the same?”
“Does anybody know if Brandee has been in touch with Janelle?” Diane asked.
“Not as far as I know, but they were apparently carrying on under my nose and I didn't know,” Suzi said.
Bruce spoke again. “I don't think I can be a part of this group if Janelle's along with us. God knows I don't care who Brandee sleeps with! Man, woman, goat, it doesn't matter to me! I don't think I could be around Janelle every day, though. It would seem... disrespectful.”
“I know what you mean,” Diane said. “It would be hard to turn down Tom Ferrari's offer, but I think that I could, in that scenario.”
“We're all agreed on that then,” Suzi said. “Where are we meeting Brandee?”
“Over in Lawndale, where they lived,” Diane said. “It's a gated community but Brandee gave me the pass code so we can get to their house.”
***
That evening, the three musicians showed up at the Evans house. Brandee met them at the door but didn't invite them in.
“Let's take my car. We're going someplace else.”
Brandee got behind the wheel of the Sprinter and fired up the engine. She drove out of town, connecting with Highway 101 northbound. At the Loleta Exit, she turned west and headed through the farmlands that occupy much of the remote county. The conversation in the van was all small talk. The musicians were curious about where they were going but didn't ask out loud.
When Brandee got to the cliff that marks Table Bluff County Park, she pulled to the side of the road and parked.
“Here we are gang. Let's get out.”
Bruce, Suzi, and Diane got out of the black van. They stepped to the cliff area and idly watched the surf roll on to the shore below. Shortly, another car entered the parking area. Out of the second vehicle stepped Tom Ferrari.
“Sorry I'm a little late. Some of these country roads aren't marked too well. I got lost.”
“It’s okay, Tom,” Brandee said. “We haven't started yet.”
“Good to see you folks again,” he said. “I was terribly sorry to hear about Jake.”
The musicians thanked him for his concern. While this reunion had been going on, Brandee had opened the back of the Sprinter and removed a cardboard box from inside. She took control of the gathering.
“I invited all of you here tonight,” she began. “Because of what happened with Jake. That's obvious, I know, but worth stating. First, I want to talk to the members of the group called
Brandee.”
She turned to the three musicians who were standing close together, shivering a bit in the cool coastal air.
“We've had some great times. We've made great music together and had a great time doing it. I haven't always been the easiest person to live with. Sometimes I've been cranky. Sometimes I've been impatient. Stop nodding, Bruce”
“Sorry. I didn't realize I was.”
“You were. Anyway, I don't know if we're going to be a group after tonight. If we're not, it's been a great run, and I want to thank you for everything.” Brandee lost her composure for an instant, but quickly regained it. She turned back to the members of the group.
“He has been, and will continue to be, an inspiration to me. He loved me completely. He loved you guys too. You could tell he did, I know. It was obvious how much he loved you guys as more than just friends. You were family, too.”
Diane wept quietly. Suzi swallowed a sob. Bruce cleared his throat. Brandee continued.
“I would like for us to be together as a group. Don't answer for a minute, though.
Brandee unwound the metal clip that held secure the top of the box that she was holding. The clip sprang free. Brandee spoke again.
“These are Jake's ashes. He wanted them to be scattered to the winds into the ocean. He loved the ocean. To him, it meant forever. He said that he felt the presence of God when he saw the waves as they came ashore.”
Brandee took the box that held Jake's remains to the side of the cliff. She knelt and carefully turned the box on its side, letting Jake's ashes escape gradually from the box. Just then, an onshore wind came up, and the ashes were swept towards the sea. In just a few seconds, the box was empty. Brandee stood up.
“I said to the members of
Brandee
that I want us to be together as a group. I do, but not like it was before. I know that a lot of what happened was my fault. I got so hungry for fame and glory that I fell blind to what was really important. I let little issues get big, and big issues get enormous. I wanted my own way, not most of the time, but all the time. When my husband challenged my monarch ways, I looked for someone who would tell me 'yes' all the time, even if the answer should have been 'no'.”
She stopped for a moment, then added, “Even if the answer should have been 'Hell no!'”
Shaking her head at some of her memories, she continued. “Losing Jake has changed me. It's shown me what's really important. It's taught me to put aside for good the things that took me away from the loving arms of my husband and dear friends. I guess it's past the time that I should have grown up, but that's what has happened since Jake took his life, out of hurt and grief. That brings me to why you're here, Mr. Ferrari.”