Familiar Rooms in Darkness (17 page)

Bella looked at him in astonishment. Christ, thought Adam, he looks just like Charlie. Charlie, ten years older, with suntanned biceps, tattoos, wearing a T-shirt and jeans.

‘Are you Derek Kinley?' asked Bella. Her voice was weak with nerves.

The big man nodded.

Adam saw the whiteness of Bella's knuckles as she clasped her hands hard together. ‘Look, I know this must seem like an awful intrusion, but I have to find out… About thirty years ago, a woman who lived at this address, at number forty-four, called Kinley, had twin babies. She gave them up for adoption. I was one of them. Do you know anything about it?' Her eyes searched his face anxiously.

Seconds passed like an eternity. It seemed to Adam that a whole world of improbability and conjecture made its slow revolve as Derek Kinley attempted to make sense of what Bella had said. How much did Derek recall of the time just before Bella and Charlie had been born? He would have been ten, according to everything Cecile had
told Bella and Charlie, so he must remember something. Perhaps he had obliterated or buried that childhood recollection. The silence lengthened.

‘Sorry? What are you on about?' The man seemed on the verge of becoming truculent. God, thought Adam, he was like Charlie.

‘Look, do you think we could go somewhere else to talk? It's not easy, here in the street…'

Derek glanced from Adam to Bella, then said, ‘You'd better come indoors.'

They went up the alley and past the repair yard, and followed Derek through the back door. They sat in the front room, on the three-piece suite. Adam glanced round, taking in the cheap furniture, the standard lamp, the budgerigar cage on its stand, the nets at the windows, the ornaments on the mantelpiece. The television in the corner was large, too big for the room, with speakers either side. Bella and Derek stared at one another.

‘Right,' said Derek. ‘You'd better give us this again.'

Bella swallowed. ‘There was a family at this address, by the name of Kinley, who gave up twin babies for adoption.' She gazed intently at Derek. ‘If that's your name, then I know I've come to the right place.' Bella's voice grew weak with nervousness. ‘I think… I'm your sister.'

Derek Kinley smiled an unamused smile. ‘I think someone's been having a laugh with you, love. I haven't got no brothers or sisters.'

Bella nodded. ‘If the woman I'm talking about, Doreen Kinley, is your mother, then I'm your sister.'

Adam watched in fascination as something touched a
nerve, a buried recollection. ‘Jesus,' said the man at last. ‘That can't be right. No.' He seemed dazed by the effort of making sense of the past. ‘My mother never had any more kids. She lost a baby, that was all.'

Bella's eyes were huge, bright with the effort of concentration, or with tears, Adam didn't know which. ‘Oh, look, I don't know what you were told, I don't want to cause any pain, but… if you remember her being pregnant… How old were you then?'

‘Nine? Ten?' Adam saw that Derek Kinley was now actually looking properly at Bella, taking her in, on the verge of the connection Bella so desperately sought.

‘She didn't lose the baby. Babies. My parents adopted them. The parents were called Kinley, and they lived at this address. They had one child, a boy.' Bella nodded, swallowed. ‘Our brother.' Bella's eyes swam with tears. ‘I can't believe I've found you.' She glanced at Adam. ‘This is my friend, Adam Downing. He helped me to find you. I only found out a few weeks ago that I was adopted, you see.'

Adam could sense the man's panic and uncertainty.

‘I'm sorry if this has been a shock for you,' said Bella.

Derek said nothing. He seemed baffled, as though someone had put one over on him when he wasn't looking.

‘Didn't you know anything?' asked Bella.

Derek shook his head slowly. ‘Nothing. I'd forgotten the whole thing. It was that long ago. She was expecting, and then she… Everyone said she lost it.'

Adam, watching his face, wondered what Derek's feelings towards his mother were at this moment.

Derek stared at Bella, long and searchingly. At last he put his head in his hands. ‘Bloody hell.' There was silence for a few seconds, then he looked up again. ‘Twins? You said there was you and your brother?'

‘His name's Charlie.' Adam could hear tears choking her voice. ‘I don't know the details of what happened, but the adoption was done privately and arranged very carefully. I think it cost our parents a good deal of money.'

‘Knowing my dad, I'll bet it did.' Derek Kinley nodded slowly. Adam detected no bitterness in his voice, merely understanding.

‘Shall I make some tea?' Adam asked. No one said anything, so he got up and went to the kitchen at the end of the narrow hallway. The kitchen was very small, with just a cooker, a fridge, a sink, and some cupboards. Like the front room, it had a timeless quality about it. Adam filled the kettle and found a teapot and some tea in a tin caddy. He got some mugs and a milk jug from a cupboard. He brewed the tea, and poured some milk into the jug from a half-full bottle in the fridge. He noticed a hand-knitted woollen tea cosy on top of the fridge. He hesitated, then put it over the teapot. He put everything on a tray and took it through to the front room.

‘Thanks,' said Derek, as Adam poured out some tea and handed it to him. He gave some to Bella. She hardly glanced at him, utterly absorbed in her cross-examination of Derek. He gave his answers to her questions with a reluctance that concealed itself as an effort of memory.

‘What do you remember about that time?'

‘I dunno. I haven't thought about it in a long while.' He pondered. ‘I remember I knew about the baby coming.
But no one bought anything for it. Then Mum said she lost it. I remember we got a new car. We went to Butlin's that summer, down in Walton. We was well off for a bit, that much I know. Well, by our lights.' He looked at Bella, shook his head again in disbelief. ‘This has done my head in, you know that?'

‘Are my – our parents still alive?' asked Bella. Her voice was faint.

‘Mum is. Dad passed on a while back. You didn't miss nothing there.'

Adam saw a flicker of emotion tremble on Bella's face. A long moment passed. ‘Is she here?'

Derek shook his head. ‘Mum? She's up the shops. Lil took her. She doesn't get about too well.' He fell silent again. Just as the pause was growing awkward, Derek gave Bella a searching glance, almost as if he didn't want to, and said, ‘I don't reckon she would know you.'

‘I wouldn't expect her to. Why should she?'

‘No, I mean, she doesn't know who anyone is half the time. She's lost her marbles a bit.' He sipped his tea. Silence fell again, lengthened.

‘Don't you want to know my name?'

‘Sorry, yes. Go ahead.'

‘It's Bella.'

Derek Kinley nodded. ‘You look a bit like that actress that was in that film – that drug thing, with the bald guy who had the three-legged dog.'

She nodded. ‘That's me. My name's Bella Day.'

Derek gaped. ‘Right. Right.' It was all too much for him. Adam sensed that Derek wished his Saturday morning hadn't gone this way. The enthusiasm, the hope, the
need which radiated from Bella was not reflected by this stolid, puzzled man.

‘Do you want to know about Charlie?' said Bella.

Derek nodded with an air of interest which Adam guessed he did not feel. Perhaps it wasn't interest that he lacked, exactly – more that he felt apprehension, that things were rolling towards him which he didn't know how to handle. Adam thought he could understand that. Bella, rendered oblivious to any of this by the adrenalin rush of meeting her new-found brother, told Derek all about Charlie.

‘A brief, eh?' Derek gave a sad laugh. ‘There was a few times we could've done with one of those in the family.'

Another long moment passed. Adam could tell from Bella's eyes that it was dawning on her that the elation of this reunion was somewhat one-sided. It was painful.

‘Look,' said Derek, putting down his mug of tea, ‘Mum's gonna be back in ten minutes or so. I'm not being funny or nothing, but I think it would be best if you wasn't here.' Adam noticed for the first time that the slow, dejected way in which Derek had answered Bella's questions was his normal manner of speaking.

Bella looked bewildered. ‘Not meet her? After everything… I
have
to see her! She's my mother.'

Derek regarded her frankly, thoughtfully. After a space of some seconds he asked, ‘What kind of a life have you had, then? Being adopted? They must have been pretty well off, your folks, given you a good education, a decent start in life.'

‘Yes, I suppose so.' Bella gave Adam a brief, baffled glance.

‘Right.' Derek nodded. ‘So you've got a good life, done all right for yourself, actress and all that. Brother's a lawyer… Point I'm trying to make here is – when Mum gave you up, that must have been a hard thing for her to do. Now I look back, I can guess why she did it.' But Adam sensed that this was not entirely true, that there was unsolved anger and pain. ‘She did it to see us better off, to stop Dad leaving, keep money coming into the house. She's not had a great time of it, Mum. And now she's not too well. Like I said, she might not know you after thirty years. But she might. And if you look at it from her point of view, maybe she doesn't want to be reminded of you, and what happened back then. I know it sounds hard, but she needs looking after.'

‘Believe me,' said Bella earnestly, ‘I can see that it might be a shock for her. But you don't understand what it would mean to me, how badly I need to–'

‘Yeah, well, that's what I'm getting at. It's not just a question of what you need. Like, you come here, you're my sister and all that. But in a way, you're not. We're not really anything to do with each other. I'm sorry if it sounds hard and all, but I'm thinking about Mum here.'

‘She's my mother,' said Bella, somewhat dazed by this. ‘Don't you think she's thought about me all this time, wondering what I'm like, what Charlie's like? Why would you want to stop her meeting me again? Don't you think it might be as important to her as it is to me?'

Derek stared down at his hands. They were heavy, freckled and furry with blond hairs. He twisted a chunky gold ring on one of his little fingers. ‘I'll tell you a bit about Mum. She's seventy. Since she left school she's
always worked. She worked in a baker's, then in a bookie's, she did twelve years in the laundry on the council estate, she worked another fifteen years down the rope factory in Woolwich. She's had two hip operations, and needs a stick to get about. She's had a lot of worry one way or another, what with my dad, and not having much money. I'm divorced, with two little girls. They live with their mum. I've lived here for the past four years, looking after things, running the business out the back. The last year or so, she's begun losing it. They reckon it could be the beginning of Alzheimer's, I dunno. She goes up the day centre on weekdays, has her lunch there, talks to all the other old dears, comes home teatime. Weekends, like today, she goes up the shops with Lil, sometimes she goes to the bingo in the evening. She watches telly, likes her soaps. Sometimes she thinks I'm her dad, or her brother that died in the War. She can manage things for herself, but she gets confused.' He shook his head. ‘That's Mum. That's what the last thirty years have been for her. I don't know what you think it's going to do for her now, meeting you.'

‘I'm her only daughter! If I had had a daughter and given her away, I'd spend my whole life hoping she'd find me!' Adam felt for Bella as she struggled to bridge the gap between her expectations and the reality which lay within this cramped little front room, filled with the mementos of a life unshared by her, unknown to her. She stared uncomprehendingly at the stranger who sat opposite her.

A sound from outside made Derek look up. He went to the window. ‘Christ, that's Mum now.'

For some reason, Adam and Bella got to their feet as well. From where he stood, Adam could see two old women alighting from a Dial-A-Ride bus, one slightly stooped and the other more erect, a protective arm around her companion.

There was the sound of a key in the front door. ‘Coo-ee! Derek! We're back!'

Derek went out into the hallway. Coats were being taken off, bags put down. Adam glanced at Bella. Her face looked stricken, pale. She met Adam's eye.

‘I have to see her. I just have to.'

Given the geography of the house, Adam didn't see how an encounter between Bella and Mrs Kinley could be avoided. Even so, as Bella stepped towards the hall, he couldn't help putting out a hand, as if to stop her, or protect her. The gesture got no more than halfway; he let his arm drop to his side. He watched from the doorway. The woman who was evidently Lil, Mrs Kinley's friend, glanced at Bella and Adam.

‘Oh, I never saw you had visitors, Derek.' Lil looked brightly and expectantly from face to face. Mrs Kinley's stooped figure turned slowly, with difficulty, to face Adam and Bella. She was of slight build, like Bella, sweet-faced with confusion and age. Adam wondered what Bella had been expecting, whether she saw something, someone there that he did not. Bella's mother might have been any other little old lady, dressed in a dingy blue raincoat, with her ragged halo of permed white hair, her bemused expression. It was impossible to tell, from the drooped and pouched features, whether she had ever looked anything like Bella.

Derek gave Bella a rapid, unfathomable glance, and said to his mother, ‘Just someone come about their car.'

‘About their car?' Mrs Kinley's voice was high, a little lost. She looked at Bella. ‘I thought I knew you. You look like Beryl, that used to work down the rope factory. Doesn't she look like Beryl, Lil?'