Family Thang (28 page)

FAMILY THANG
             

Chapter 24

“Is it too tight?” Robert Earl asked Albert. The boa constrictor, eyes bulging, tongue flitting, flipped and flopped like a worm on a hot plate. “Shoots!” Robert Earl said, and removed the dog collar cinched around Albert’s neck. “I guess it is too tight.”

Immediately, Albert stopped flip-flopping. Maybe this ain’t a good idea, Robert Earl thought, noticing a dark crease where the collar had been.

He’d figured Albert had tired of being confined to a box and desired an unfettered view of the great outdoors. So he hooked one end of a ten-foot dog collar to the clothesline, which would have given Albert plenty of wriggle room, and tied the other end to Albert’s neck--well, the area just below the snake’s head.

The problem was he couldn’t adjust the collar to a proper fit. Too loose, Albert slipped free. A wee too snug, Albert gagged and whipped and then played dead, as it was doing now.

“You can stop it now, Albert.” The snake didn’t budge. Robert Earl nudged Albert with his hand. Nothing. Pushed it, and Albert rolled halfway on his back.

He’s never done this before.

Robert Earl picked it up and the snake hung flaccidly in his hands. “Albert?”

Just then Estafay called from the back porch, “Robert! Robert, Shirley wants to talk to you.”

Robert Earl dropped Albert to the ground and pretended to study his neighbor’s yard. “Tell her I’ll call her back.”

“She’s here.”

“I’m coming.” He took another look at Albert, a twisted white-and-orange knot on the ground.

Inside the house, Shirley was sitting at the kitchen table. “Robert Earl,” she said, “I need to borrow a gun.”

“What you need a gun for?”

“I’m gonna bust a cap in Ruth Ann’s stanky ass,” Shirley said matter-of-factly.

“Are you serious?”

“I sure am. When I get through with Ruth Ann, Eric’s next.”

“Why? What for?”

“It’s rather personal. Just go get the gun. I also need to borrow your truck. It shouldn’t take long to do what I gotta do.”

“You’re joking, aren’t you?”

Estafay came into the kitchen. “What’s the matter, Robert?”

“Family business,” Shirley said. “Robert Earl, why don’t you go get it so I can go.”

“Shirley,” Robert Earl said, biting a thumbnail, “I don’t know if I should do it. I might get into serious trouble. Sheriff Bledsoe just cut me slack on some stuff. I give you one of my guns, you shoot somebody, my butt in hot water again. Sheriff Bledsoe told me the next time my name popped up in some mess, I’m done.”

“Sheriff Bledsoe played a trick on you,” Shirley said. “The polygraph machine was a--”

Estafay interrupted her. “Sheriff Bledsoe cut you slack on what, Robert?”

“I can’t do it, Shirley,” Robert Earl said.

“Cut you slack on what?” Estafay insisted.

Robert Earl shook his head. “Nothing, honey.”

“Why not?” Shirley asked. “You don’t like Ruth Ann. Remember when she and daddy laughed at you? Wasn’t no call for her to do that.”

You laughed, too.

“I would like to know,” Estafay said, poking him in the chest with two fingers, “what the Sheriff cut you slack on.”

“Give me a gun, Robert Earl. I won’t kill her. I’ll just give her a limp. Each step she takes she’ll think about what she did to me.”

Robert Earl held up both hands. “Timeout! Both of y’all ganging up on me. A tag team--it ain’t fair!”

“Give me a gun, Robert Earl, I’m outta here.”

“Shirley, I told you I can’t do it.”

“A rifle, anything that shoots.”

“I still would like to know,” Estafay shouted, “why Sheriff Bledsoe cut you slack. What did you do? I pray for your sake it wasn’t anything nasty.”

“That’s it!” Robert Earl shouted. “I’m calling Momma.” He went to the phone in the living room and called his mother.

Leonard picked up on the third ring. “Harris residence.”

“Let me speak to Momma.”

“What’s the matter, Robert Earl?”

“Put Momma on the phone, will you?” Waiting for his mother to pick up he thought about Albert.
Dead! At an early age. No Albert, no gas station and exotic snake farm.

“Hello,” Ida said.

“Momma, you need to come get Shirley. She’s over here begging me for a gun.”

“Lord have mercy! Why?”

“She said she’s going to bust a cap in Ruth Ann’s butt for something or another.” He heard a thud on the other end. “Estafay is bothering me, too.”

Leonard: “Robert Earl, what the hell did you say to Mother? She just fainted!”

“Wake her up.” The line went dead. He returned to the kitchen. “Estafay, Shirley, Momma said for y’all to leave me alone and stop pestering me.”

“Please, Robert Earl!” Shirley said. “Grow up! What kind of man calls his momma to defend him?”

“A man like me.”

“Hmmph. She ain’t my momma,” Estafay said. “She oughta tend to her own heathens before she tell me anything.”

Shirley studied Estafay. “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean.”

“No, I don’t. Explain it to me.”

Estafay moved closer to Robert Earl. “You know, remove the heathen from thy own house before you try to influence a child of God in her own.”

“What?” Shirley said. “I think you hide behind your so-called religion. ‘Remove the heathen from thy own house.’ Sounds like a sly way of putting my family down. What you think, Robert Earl? Is it an insult, or what?”

Robert Earl shifted from foot to foot, stuck a finger in his ear and dug furiously. “Uh…you know…uh…” casting nervous glances at Estafay. “Kinda, sorta, if you think about it, in a way it does sound like an insult.”

“You damn right it does!” Shirley said. “My momma didn’t raise heathens, Estafay! You picked a bad time to tell me she did. A very bad time!” Shirley stood up, her chair falling to the floor. “I strongly suggest you take the shit back!”

Estafay moved directly behind Robert Earl. “Robert, tell your sister it’s time she leave.”

Shirley pointed a finger at her. “You tell me! You tell me to leave! You big and bad enough to call my family heathens to my face, you tell me to leave your house!”

“Robert,” Estafay whispered, “feel free to step in anytime.”

Robert Earl stared at the hulking figure dressed in navy-blue culottes and realized he had a tough decision to make: attempt to protect his wife’s honor, get his butt whooped and a trip to the hospital via Emergency Medical Transport; or jump out of the way and let Estafay go for what she know, and then have her berate him for weeks for not intervening on her behalf?

Shirley advanced, fists clenched. Robert Earl, now convinced that weeks of Estafay berating him wouldn’t hurt so much, tried to move out of the way…Estafay moved when he moved.

“Estafay,” looking at her naked wrist as if a watch was there, “I’m waiting, and I have yet to hear you take back anything. Ten…nine…”

“Robert, do something!” Estafay pleaded. “Say something!”

“Take it back, Estafay,” Robert Earl said. “It’ll save us a lot of medical expenses.”

“…seven…six…”

“Robert, this is my house!”

“…four…”

“I will not be threatened inside my own home!”

“…two…”

Just then Ida and Leonard rushed into the kitchen. “Shirley!” Ida shouted. “What the hell are you doing?”

“I’m fixin’ to put a foot up Estafay’s ass!”

“Estafay?” Leonard said. “I thought you were upset with Ruth Ann?”

“You need to leave,” Robert Earl told Leonard. “Now!”

“He’s with me,” Ida said.

“Momma, you can stay,” Robert Earl said. “No man who chokes me is welcome in my house. He can wait outside.”

“Momma,” Shirley said, “Estafay called your children heathens to my face. You want a piece of her sanctified ass?”

Robert Earl said, “Two against one ain’t fair. Y’all let Estafay call one of her church friends and make it even.”

“Boy, be quiet!” Ida said. “Shirley, stop talking foolish. You’re a grown woman--act like it!” She frowned at Ida. “As for you, my children might not be a religious bunch, but they’re not heathens.”

“Mrs. Harris, I didn’t mean any disrespect,” Estafay said.

“Yes, you did!” Shirley said.

“Robert Earl,” Ida said, “can’t you control your home? Why are you putting up with this foolishness? Boy, take charge of your home!”

“I tried to Momma. They--”

“No, you didn’t!” Shirley said. “You let Estafay talk about your family.”

“Be quiet, Shirley,” Ida said. “This isn’t your house. What’s gotten into you? If you don’t like what somebody says about you in their house, go home! And what’s this mess you needing a gun?”

Robert Earl said, “How the whole thing got started.”

“Why you need a gun, Shirley?” Leonard asked.

Shirley stared at the floor, then met her mother’s eyes. “Sorry, Momma, I’m popping a cap in Ruth Ann’s slimy ass.”

“Why?” Ida shouted. “Why? She’s your sister.”

Tears rolled down Shirley’s face. “Momma, she’s been fooling with my husband.”

Ida moaned, stumbled to a chair and sat down. She closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. “Jesus…Jesus! Help me, Jesus!”

Leonard said, “Shirley, I didn’t know you and Eric were married.”

“We were going to get married soon.”

“Are you sure about this? Have you talked to Ruth Ann?”

“I went to her house and she jumped out the window and ran. I can’t catch her on foot. I need something to shorten the distance.”

Ida moaned again.

“She’s your sister,” Leonard said. “Remember?”

Shirley shook her head. “Leonard, did she remember she was my sister when she slept with my baby’s daddy? Hell no, she didn’t! Ruth Ann doesn’t give a damn about nobody but Ruth Ann. As of today she’s no longer my sister. She’s nothing to me…just another…” She caught herself.

Ida started crying.

“Momma, I’m not gonna kill her. I’ll just give her a disability. She broke up my home, Momma.”

“Jesus, Jesus!” Ida wailed. “I kilt my husband and now these heathens trying to kill each other. Take me, Jesus! I want to be with my husband!”