Authors: Juliet Madison
“In other words, honey, it makes the dust smaller so you don’t have to empty the device that often,” Will added.
“I have to get one,” Elaine stated.
“I got one a few months back,” Regina said with a flick of her blond Marilyn wig. “A reward to myself for my business going above and beyond its income targets.”
“Ah, so the matchmaking industry’s still going bug guns, eh?” Will asked Regina.
“Totally. I think ConnectNow’s success comes from the fact we also have a showroom, something the online-only dating websites can’t compete with.”
So that explained Regina’s interest in all things romantic. She’s a professional flirt! But a showroom for potential romantic partners? How did that work? I imagined walking into such a showroom and asking, ‘Do you have any tall, dark, handsome doctors in stock at the moment?’ to which the salesperson might say, ‘Sorry, we’re all out as they were on special last week. Can I put you down for a backorder and notify you when one becomes available?’
I swallowed my giggles and thanked Marge and Homer for the gift, then picked up a flat rectangular package wrapped in a luxurious silk scarf.
“The scarf is the real present, Kelli,” Regina explained. “What’s inside is more of a…how do I say it? …novelty gift, if you like. One cannot turn fifty without a little gimmick in honour of advancing age now, can they?” She winked and my stomach plummeted.
Oh man, what could it be? It wasn’t going to be those incontinence pads, was it? Or some kind of adult diaper? I reluctantly tugged at the package. Worse. A sense of déjà vu washed over me as cardboard packaging greeted my eyes, complete with a picture of a slim woman smiling in her beige underwear.
A SlimFX Magic Suit version 2.0,
New and Improved
, the label said.
Now with expandable release valve for ease of use
! In other words—
now with expandable release valve for getting in and out of the damn thing without requiring hospitalisation and emergency surgery
.
I faked a laugh. “Haha thanks, Regina. Just what I’ve always wanted!”
Elaine glanced my way with an expression that said ‘How dare she give you something like that in front of everyone’ and Ryan’s mouth appeared about to explode with a lump of laughter. Despite the awkwardness of the situation, I wished Regina had given me this earlier so I could have saved myself the trouble of dealing with version 1.0
“Anyway, not that you need one Kelli, but they’re actually pretty good. Gives you a nice smooth line under a fitted dress. I’m wearing the discreet strapless version now, can you tell?” Regina twirled and her Marilyn Monroe dress lifted and spun with her, and no, I couldn’t tell. “Sorry, I just had to do that! Get into character, you know?” She winked again and it could have been a coincidence but Will’s brother stepped slightly to the side, away from Regina.
I opened more presents, including a heat-sensing automatic temperature-adjusting blanket from Kasey and Max, along with a donation on my behalf to the Ants Have Feelings Too research foundation, and watched more amazing moving birthday cards, until only one thing remained on the present table. A white envelope.
It seemed strange that among all this technology, paper still actually existed. I slid my finger under the seal and pulled out a plastic card about the size of a book … if books still existed, I certainly hadn’t seen any around the house.
“Oh, whoops, that was supposed to be for later,” Will said. “Ah, might as well have it now, then.” His face went slightly pink.
“What is it, Kel?” Elaine asked with curious eyes.
“It’s a …” I began, my cheeks becoming hot.
Ryan came over and plucked the card from my hands. “C’mon, the suspense is killing us!” He read the card and grinned. “It’s a couple’s intimate photo shoot at Image of Desire studios.”
“Woo-woo!” Regina said and a few cheers and whistles escaped the mouths of my guests, as Will held out his hands.
“Now calm down everyone, it’s just a makeover and photo shoot for married couples, nothing raunchy.”
“Yeah right,” Ryan exclaimed. “Have you seen the portfolio on the gift card? Look.” He pressed a button on the card and a slideshow played, showing various couples wearing minimal clothing embracing in imaginative positions like strands of spaghetti clinging to a fork.
A makeover and photo shoot I could handle, but with Will? Doing…that? My stomach lurched as I attempted to steal the card back from Ryan, who was holding it up in the air for everyone to see, keeping it out of my grasp. “Give it to me, son, that’s enough of your teasing,” I said in a motherly voice and interestingly, it worked.
“Sorry, Mum. It’s just funny, that’s all.” He handed me the card and I shoved it back in its envelope as Will mouthed a red-faced ‘sorry’ at me. I flicked my hand as though it was nothing and then re-opened Diora’s gift in an effort to distract myself—and everyone else—asking the nearest person to help me latch the necklace around my neck.
“There is another present, Mum,” Ryan said in a more serious tone.
“Huh? But you already took me bungy jumping.”
“You went bungy jumping?” Marge Simpson leapt from her seat, her beehive wig almost toppling forward.
“Didn’t you know?” Homer asked. “I told you yesterday remember, when you were baking that soufflé?”
“Darling, you should know by now to never talk to me when I’m baking, especially a soufflé, I won’t remember a thing for the concentration it requires.”
“Yes, she sure did,” Ben said. “She was awesome!” Ryan glanced longingly towards Ben and smiled, before turning back to me.
“This is something extra special, I’ve been planning it for a while,” Ryan said.
Oh dear God. Don’t let it be skydiving, or hang gliding, or a one-way trip to Mount Everest. Please
!
But Ryan simply walked over to the microphone along with Ben, who sat at a small drum set—how did I not notice a set of drums in my living room before? Another young guy picked up two guitars, handing one to Ryan, who held onto the stem of the microphone and looked in my direction. “Mum, this one’s for you.”
He strummed the guitar and a rhythmic melody filled the air, accompanied by Ben’s slow and steady beat on the drums and the other guy’s twang on his guitar. Guests gathered around, some swaying to the music with their loved one, while I stood in the centre, my eyes fixed on the sight before me and ears taking in the unexpected beauty of the music my son was creating.
Then he sang, his slow crooning tone perfect, merging with the music.
‘The one whose gifts she shared,
The one who always cared,
Mum … she’s the one.’
They were just words, but the way he sang them with such emotion and conviction, it was as though they were pebbles dropping into a pool of joy, their impact spreading outwards in loving ripples.
‘She never left my side,
She taught me to express, not hide,
Mum … she’s the one.’
Guests turned on the light on their e-pads and held them up in the air, waving and swaying them to the music like they were candles and I did the same, while a smile played on my lips.
‘When times were so tough I thought I’d die,
She held me till my tears were dry,
Mum … she’s the one …
And as I get ready to leave the nest,
I want you to know you’ve been the best,
Mum … she’s the one …
Yes, Mum … you’re the one.’
His voice lifted high on the last note, raising a swirl of emotion to the roof and letting it float softly back down, filling the room as he drew the words out in one slow, last breath.
He bowed his head and stood still for a moment as applause lifted the energy of the room back up to the roof. My heart pulsing and filling with pride, I walked up to Ryan—my son—and slid my arms around his back as a lone tear slid down my face.
“Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece?”
–
Bobby Kelton
Our embrace broke as a high-pitched tapping rang through the air. Will approached the microphone, tapping at a glass with a spoon and Ryan moved to the side to allow his father to take centre stage.
“If I could have everyone’s attention, please. The time has come for me to say a few words about my darling wife, Kelli. I’ve taken the liberty of creating a little show for you, so pull up a pod and enjoy.” He put down his glass and picked up a remote, like the one I used at the meeting and pointed it at a blank area of wall behind him. A screen grew to life, showing a picture of me along with a heading:
Fifty Years of Kelli McSnelly
—Oh joy.
A song I didn’t recognise played and an image of myself as a rosy-cheeked baby appeared, much to my embarrassment. The image transitioned to another of me as a four-year-old, standing on top of the tree house Dad had built. Kasey was also in the picture, stuck on the bottom rung of the ladder, as she’d been too scared of heights at that age. There were school photos, ranging from the younger years to the early teenage years and photos of me with my friends at a birthday party; my fifteenth from memory. Cringing, I wondered if I’d really thought floral dresses were cool?
This was my life - set to music. As if aware of the rapid shift in my life from age twenty five, the song’s tempo intensified and pictures I didn’t recall faded in and out on the screen. Will and I at our engagement party and wedding, arms entwined with wine glasses in our hands. My heart raced as I discovered this life of mine one picture at a time, the gap between when I went to bed last night and this very moment gradually being filled. I tapped my foot to the music and also because I was anxious to see the next picture.
Oh my God. Was that my stomach? In the photo I was standing side-on, one hand placed over my swollen belly, ready to pop at any moment. The next picture showed me in the hospital holding a squashed up little human and smiling like I’d been given the best present of my life. I glanced over at Diora sitting on a pod in the Bliss Garden, her glossy eyes fixed on the screen, rubbing her belly and felt a warm pang of an emotion I’d never experienced before.
The photos continued … Diora as a tiara-wearing toddler, commanding the room with her toy microphone and another hospital photo, this time with baby Ryan whose hair must have had delayed growth because he was completely bald. Willing my eyes not to blink so as to not miss a moment, I glued them to the wall as photos of me with Will and the children graced the screen.
On Diora’s first day of school I had red blotches under my eyes and a tissue in my hand, the other hand holding firmly onto Diora’s. There was the four of us on holiday at a water park, my hands outstretched to catch Ryan at the bottom of the water slide. I laughed, along with all my guests at the photo of me and Diora at a festival with our faces painted like cats, and Will and I collapsed on the floor during a game of Twister.
There were several photos of me, Elaine and Diora dressed in our costumes for the production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. My face was scrunched up to suit my Grumpy character. Not very becoming at all, but funny nonetheless and probably the trigger for the beginning of my crow’s feet and forehead furrows—definitely the lip wrinkles.
More photos slid by, including me working at a large table, drawing designs onto paper and glancing up at the camera with a look of peace. Another where I was dressed in a suit and standing in front of a display table full of homewares from KC Interiors, and another right at the moment of opening a bottle of wine, my face turned away from the liquid spraying everywhere. Next was a picture of me with a group of about ten sitting on the beach at night, eating fish and chips, with the heading ‘Kelli’s 49th birthday’. A caption above my image said, ‘This is the most memorable birthday ever,’ and the one above Ryan said, ‘You just wait till next year, Mum.’ Boy, was he right or what?
And finally, a photo of our family on the skiing trip where I broke my ribs, followed by the video of my bungy jump from this morning, luckily without a close-up view of my screams for life. Strange, to see the jump from an outsider’s point of view, when my memory felt so different to what it looked like on the screen. At the end of the video, the music ended with a photo of me as I was today, smiling and wrapped in a woolly jumper. Everyone cheered, raising their clapping hands in the air, some raising their tubes of champagne. I nodded my thanks at everyone and Will tapped his glass again.
“Wasn’t that great? I’m so proud of Kelli,” Will said, as the crowd quietened down to listen to the man of the house speak. “When we first met, Kelli was a twelve-year-old towering beauty, while I was a pudgy kid with pimples. Somehow, the universe conspired to bring us together again years later and before I could pinch myself, Kelli had accepted my proposal and become my wife.”
“That’s my bro!” One of Will’s brothers cheered and draped an arm around me, his beer breath filling my nostrils. “Ah, you’ve made my brother very happy, Kel.”
“He’s er … made me very happy too,” I replied.
Will blew me a kiss before continuing. “I must admit, when I was younger I was overwhelmed by her stunning beauty, but as I got to know her, I became more overwhelmed by her amazing creative talents, not to mention her inner drive and passion. Separately, we are quite different, but together, we fit. Like two opposing pieces of a puzzle, or a lock and a key, we’re a perfect match.” Will took a deep breath and his Superman chest puffed outwards. “Kelli, honey, you’re the reason I get up every day, you’re the reason I smile before I go to sleep every night and you’re my inspiration to keep being the best I can be. You’re the love of my life.”
His voice faltered at the last few words and a slight trembling vibrated my lower lip as I placed an appreciative hand over my heart. He walked towards me and I met him in the middle, allowing myself to soften into his arms. Despite his costume I could feel his heart beating in sync with mine. We stood like that for a few moments until he pulled back.
“I forgot, I have another present for you!” Will scurried over to a corner table and lifted a lamp, under which another envelope was hiding. He took residence in front of the microphone again. “In honour of the life we’ve shared together and this momentous occasion, I wanted to treat Kelli and myself to a special birthday gift. Open it, honey.” He thrust the envelope in my hand and I ripped it open. I couldn’t care less if it was another intimate photo shoot, or a voucher for a couple’s tantric yoga class, I was beyond feeling embarrassed. I simply buzzed with the excitement and joy of being in the moment.