Authors: Marion Croslydon
“It’s not going to go away, Cass. I want to get to the bottom of it.”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to. But he gave me no option as he grabbed my hand and led me outside the barn.
“Josh, it’s fucking freezing outside.”
He didn’t answer but instead hurried me toward a smaller barn on the other side of the field. He pushed the door open and disappeared inside. I waited at the entrance until he switched on the light. I stepped in and he closed the door behind me. It was warmer there and I let my muscles relax. Not for long because I was alone with Josh. He buried his hands in his pockets. The wind tossed his hair and his bow tie was undone. I liked him better like that, not clean cut like he always was back in D.C.
“How much longer are we going to stare at each other in silence?” His voice was softer than I expected and it kind of eased me into opening up.
“I’m scared.”
He let my confession settle between us and I forced myself to hold his gaze.
“Are you going to tell me
why
you’re scared?”
“I’m scared you’re with me because of Lucas.” I swallowed hard. “But I’m also scared you want to adopt Lucas because you always do the right thing rather than doing it because you want to be his father, because you love him.”
Josh simply nodded, like one of those politicians I’d seen on TV during the presidential debates. Next, was he going to take notes or what?
“So if I understand correctly: you’re scared I’m with you so I can be with Lucas. But, at the same time, you’re scared I don’t
really
want to be with him but am acting purely out of duty.”
“Yes.” But there was more.
“So you’re scared of pretty much every scenario out there?”
I let out a heavy breath. Frustration was taking over. “I don’t need you to get all patronizing on me,” I barked but I had to get a grip because this was going nowhere. “The first time we were together you promised me your life, but when there was no baby anymore you went straight to Clarissa for a blow-job.”
Damn
, it was out there now.
“Do we really have to revisit the same moment over and over again? My time with Clarissa wasn’t my proudest, I’ve admitted that countless times. But it was five years ago. You have to let the past go.”
“Being with you
now
means I have let the past go. But I feel like my whole world is about to crumble all over again.”
He started toward me but I held up my hand to stop him. I had to finish. “When I decided to get off the tour, I did it knowing that we could get Lucas back. I let myself dream about that perfect picket-fenced life you used to ramble on about.”
“But it’s still possible. What happened in Kansas City was a set-back. I won’t let anyone take Lucas away from us. We have to be patient and let Trisha cross all the t’s and dot all the i’s.”
I knew all that. It was all reasonable and fine, but… “When have things ever worked our way?”
“Now, Cassie, it starts
now
.” He was hovering over me, not touching me but I felt his strength. “We’re not seventeen anymore, with no clue about anything, no clue about ourselves. We’ve seen the best and the worst in each other. We’ve screwed up badly.” He gave a bitter chuckle. “I won’t let that happen again.”
“I get it, Josh. We’re better and smarter people today. But what’s left of us without Lucas?”
Josh gave me a puzzled look. I had to choose my words carefully. I gave myself some time and walked around the small space in the barn. I ended up sitting in a small wooden recess along the wall. I laid my hands on my thighs. “If you think about it, most of our history as a couple has revolved around him. Me getting pregnant, us getting married, the whole abortion lie and break-up… and then there was Oxford and the adoption.” I shrugged. “One way or the other, Lucas has defined our relationship.”
“Children define most people’s relationships and marriage,” he talked down at me.
I looked up at him. “But most people had a relationship before having kids.”
“Come on, Cassie. We’ve known each other for almost twenty years.”
“We dated for one full year back when we were sixteen. That’s it.”
He stepped closer. “But what about the last six months? We’ve built a life in D.C. We have a home with freshly-painted walls and all those nice curtains you spent hours hanging.”
My mouth curled up into a sad smile. “What would be left of that home if Lucas doesn’t come to live in it? What would be left of us?” My questions hung between us for too long. “I can’t have more kids. Is that something you can deal with: a childless marriage?”
“Stop!” I saw that I’d struck something painful deep within him. “I’m not going there. As soon as the holiday season is over, Sawyer Curtis will be on top of it and it’ll be over in no time. Lucas is going to come and live with us.”
I gave him a nod but we kept staring at each other in a silent challenge. I held my chin high. It took a great deal of effort because Josh could be goddamn intimidating when he wanted.
When he spoke again, his voice had softened. It even felt as if he was in pain. “I wonder if the real question is about what
you
’d do if we didn’t get Lucas. Would you stay with me? Would you share the rest of your life with me having his shadow hanging over us, between us?”
I didn’t answer. He started retreating back to the heavy wooden door of the barn. He put his hand on the latch and looked at me over his shoulder. “Do you love me enough to be with me without him?”
He left me staring down blindly at my hands.
I turned his last question over and over in my mind until I realized he hadn’t answered mine.
CHAPTER 20
Josh
We weren’t going back to D.C. for Christmas.
We were staying in Steep Hill. Cassie still hadn’t sold her farm, so that was where we’d probably end up celebrating. We’d return to our life in Washington before New Year’s Eve because I had to be back at work.
Since our meeting with Trisha things had gone sour. With Woodie’s wedding they’d gotten worse. Cassie talked to me but her heart wasn’t there. Our nights were spent next to each other. I wanted to touch her, but I couldn’t get close.
“Can you come and help me put the star on top off the tree?” Cassie asked as she retrieved the last decoration from the cardboard box we’d got down from the attic.
She stared down at the star as if it was much more than a simple Christmas decoration. And, to a certain extent, it was. That star had been on top of Mrs. O’s Christmas tree for as long as I could remember. It would be Cassie’s first Christmas without her gran and the absence weighed heavily on us.
I came and stood behind her. We’d practiced the move every year since I was tall enough to carry her.
“Ready?” I whispered into her ear.
“Ready.”
I bent down on my knees and locked my arms around her thighs. In one swift movement, I lifted her up and she placed the star at the top of the tree. I brought her down to land gently back on her feet.
“Beautiful!” I heard my mom clapping her hands.
Both Cassie and I kept our eyes on the star and I let my hands pass over her stomach. I breathed in the scent of her hair.
Wheels crunched on the driveway.
“The newlyweds have finally arrived.” My mother danced to the door and I couldn’t help smiling. So did Cassie.
“Your mom is for sure enjoying her first Christmas as a divorced woman,” Cassie said quietly for my ears only. Since she’d gotten rid of my father, Mom was in a much happier place.
Within a minute, the house was taken over by a wave of cheerfulness. Clarissa and Woodie were definitely the perfect match. They were two happy-go-lucky people. I chose to follow Cassie to the kitchen because that much happiness was overwhelming. What’s more, even if we were all trying to move on from our high-school years, Clarissa’s nasal voice still drove me up the wall.
“It’s generous of your mom to cook for all of us.” Cassie opened the door of the oven and the smell of roast chicken shot straight up my nostrils. I started salivating. “It’s nice to celebrate Christmas with Clarissa and Woodie, even if it’s a day early.”
I watched Cassie gently stir the soup on the stove. “I still can’t get my head around you and Clarissa getting along.”
One side of Cassie’s mouth curled upwards. “She makes Woodie happy and, in the end, that’s what really matters. Not some years old high-school rivalry.”
Without thinking, I stepped behind her and pulled her toward me, her back against my chest. She stiffened and her head leaned forward.
“I’m not the enemy, you know,” I said.
She swiveled within my embrace to stare up at me. “I know. Listen, I’m so—”
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out at the same time. We laughed awkwardly.
“It’s been weird between us since the wedding. Maybe I overreacted.”
“To what?” A lot had happened and a lot had been said.
She fidgeted. “To not having him for Christmas.” She laid her hands on my chest and wriggled her way out of my arms. She let out a heavy breath. “Maybe I’m being childish but I’d constructed all those scenarios in my head. Us singing carols, opening presents, your mom cooking all Lucas’s favorite food. Gran’s house full of his laughter. It was like in a freakin’ Hallmark TV movie.” She let out a bitter chuckle and shook her head.
“I’m sorry.” That was all I could say to convey my guilt.
“Don’t. Knowing your father is on his own right now, all miserable and lonely, kind of pleases me.”
Cassie lifted herself onto the edge of the kitchen bench. “But what eats at me most is knowing Lucas is spending Christmas with strangers in a completely new foster home. That sucks.”
The Sorensons hadn’t cancelled their plans to spend Christmas out of the state and, with us being discarded at the last minute, Lucas had been placed in a foster family for the holidays. Apparently complete strangers for Christmas were less threatening to his balance than us. Go figure!
I checked my watch. “We should get ready for the Skype call.”
I read a mix of excitement and resignation on Cassie’s face. Skype was definitely a let-down compared to what was supposed to be our first Christmas as a family. But that was all we had for now, so we made our way back to the living room.
My mom had been waiting for us because as soon as we appeared she said, “Is it Lucas’s time now?”
“Yes, I’m switching on my laptop,” I answered while sitting at the old round table in the center of Mrs. O’s living room. I’d promised my mom she’d get to hear her grandson’s voice for the first time.
Cassie took a seat next to me. “I’m sorry, Miranda, that you can’t be on the call.”
“Don’t worry, sweetie. Hearing his voice is the best Christmas present I could wish for, given the circumstances.”
Cassie and I had agreed we’d introduce him to our family—which now meant my mom and, by extension, Woodie and his wife—only once he was with us for good. He wasn’t yet, so the three of them sat opposite us on the table while we faced the screen of the laptop.
I typed and clicked my way through Skype. Next to me Cassie was rapidly clasping and unclasping her hands. The tension building up in her was contagious because I soon felt it in the pit of my stomach.
The beeping of Skype told us we were knocking at Lucas’s virtual door. Ten seconds in and his chubby face filled the screen. I heard Cassie’s short intake of breath.
“Hey Champ!” she greeted him. “Getting ready for Christmas?”
Lucas gave us a sad wave. “Hey Cassie! Hey Josh!”
Opposite me, my mom’s right hand flew to her chest and within a second I saw the glint of a tear in her eye. We had been allowed a ten minute call, so we’d better make the best of it. “Are you sure Mrs. Sorenson told Santa about your new address?” It was up to Sharon Sorenson to arrange for our presents to be dispatched to wherever Lucas was spending Christmas.
“Yes, He knows. Andrea put a sign on Sharon’s door to tell him to go next door.”
I exchanged a quick glance with Cassie. The news made its way to our brains at the same time. Her skin turned stark white when she understood.
“So you’re spending Christmas with Mr. and Mrs. Loretti?” Her question fell flat and she started biting her lower lip.
“Yes. They’ve made a special room for me. I’m not going to sleep though. I want to see Santa.”
We had nothing to say for a while. The audience on the other side of the table was staring at us, probably wondering what the hell was going on.
“So you think you’ll see him, huh?” I asked. By the time I finished my own story about almost-seeing-Santa when I was six, Cassie had recovered and was forging on.
When the ten minutes came to an end, Cassie laid the tips of her fingers on the screen and Lucas mirrored the gesture. Their fingers touched as though on either side of a pane of glass.
“Don’t forget we love you, Champ.” Her voice broke on the last word.