Then I'll let go, she thought and clung to him and his kiss.
The next week, as Gabe obsessed over Lynnie's death, Nell obsessed over Suze's inability to let go of Jack and Margie's growing inability to hold onto reality without a mimosa in her hand. The only stable thing in her life was the agency. She bought a mission couch with leather cushions for the outer office, and Gabe flinched at the bill but didn't argue, so for St. Patrick's Day she went for broke and gave Gabe and Riley new business cards. They were pale gray and had "Answers" embossed at the top in gold, old-fashioned type like the window. She left the boxes on their desks and when they came in, she waited for them to find them and tell her she'd been right all along.
Gabe came out of his office with blood in his eye, and Nell said, "Wait a minute, I took the design straight off your window."
"You can take them straight off my desk, too," he said, slamming the box down in front of her. "Burn those damn things and get the old cards reprinted."
"Look, you didn't pay for them, I did," Nell said. "They were your St. Patrick's Day present."
"Wish I'd known," Gabe said. "I'd have given you a case of Glenlivet."
"Well, if I'd known you were going to act like this, I'd have drunk it," Nell said. "If you'd just give these a chance-"
"Not only will I not give these a chance," Gabe said, "I'm not going to give you another one. Get my goddamn business cards back or you're fired. And for the last time, stop changing things."
"You'd give up sleeping with me for business cards?" Nell said, trying to lighten the mood a little.
"No," Gabe said. "But I'll give up paying you to type for me if you don't act like a secretary and follow orders."
"Hey," Nell said. "I am not just a-"
Riley opened the door to his office and came out with one of his new cards in his hand. "When did I become a really expensive hairdresser?"
"That's not-"
"Or maybe a hooker," he said, looking at the card. "'Answers'? That pretty much depends on the question, doesn't it?"
"She's getting rid of them," Gabe said and went back into his office and slammed the door.
"Just because it's something new," Nell said, glaring after him.
"It's not because it's new," Riley said, dropping the card on her desk. "It's because it's geeky. Don't do stuff like that without checking with him first. You know how he is."
"But he's wrong," Nell said. "He's such a control freak. Those old cards-"
"- are the ones he likes," Riley finished for her. "You're not paying attention."
"Does this place look 'a lot better than it did before I came?" Nell said and watched Riley look around the reception room.
"Very shiny."
"And the bathroom-"
"- is a work of art," he finished for her again. "Nell, you're missing the point. It's his business. And this is not the way he wants it to look."
"It's yours, too," Nell said.
"And I agree with him." Riley shook his head at her. "You know, the problem is not that he's a control freak. It's that you're both control freaks. And one of you has to give in. You, to be specific."
"He's wrong," Nell said.
"And on that, I'm going back to my office," Riley said. "Let me know when the dust settles, and I'll talk to whoever is still standing."
"Damn it," Nell said and picked up the phone to order the old cards again, determined to find a better way. Okay, he didn't want anything too different. But that didn't mean he had to keep butt-ugly cards.
"Cream card stock," she told the printer five minutes later. "Dark brown ink. A classy older serif typeface. Very plain. Bookman? Fine. McKenna Investigations in twelve point…"
There, she thought when she'd hung up. Who says I can't compromise?
She went in to see Gabe and said, "I reordered the cards."
"Exactly like the old ones?" he said dangerously. "No. I compromised. I think-"
"No, you don't think. I don't want you thinking and I don't want you compromising. I want you listening. And I want the old cards back."
"Look, you can't just keep saying no," Nell said. "You have to listen to me."
"Actually, I don't. I'm the boss, you're the secretary."
"Technically, yes. But-"
"No." Gabe looked up at her, impatient and exasperated. "Not 'technically.' That's the way it is."
Nell stepped on her anger. "You don't think my opinion counts."
"It counts," Gabe said. "Just not very much."
"In spite of everything I've done-"
"Nell, sleeping with me does not make you a business partner. I told you, this isn't Tim and the insurance age-
"I'm not talking about sleeping with you," Nell snapped. "I'm talking about everything I've done for this place in the past seven months."
"You're a genius at organization," Gabe said. "Now go away."
"Just like that," Nell said.
"Just like that. I have to think and I can't with you bitching at me." He rubbed his hand over his forehead. "Can we talk about this later? I'm tired of this fight."
"No," Nell said. "If I'm hired help, there's no reason to talk about it at all."
"Well, what the hell did you think you were?" Gabe said. "We hired you and we pay you. At what point did that sound like a partnership to you?"
When I started sleeping with you, Nell thought and realized he was right. She'd slipped right back into her old life, sleeping with the boss and running his business.
He leaned forward, fixing her with those eyes, and said, "For the last time, you are just a secretary."
"My mistake," she said faintly and went back to sit at her desk, nauseated by her discovery.
The office looked lovely, the walls in soft gold, the couch in gray, the gold-framed photos breaking up the expanse over the bookcases and filing cabinets. Really lovely. Like an expensive insurance agency.
She hadn't started a new life at all. She'd found the closest guy who looked like Tim and remade her old world. She looked around the beautiful office, trapped again. Even fixing the window wouldn't change things. She'd just sold herself into the same old slavery. If Gabe dumped her, she'd be back on the street because she was still serving men. She hadn't started anything for herself at all.
She should quit.
That was it, she should quit. Force herself to find a new life. That would fix him. No, that wasn't right, that would fix her. There must be something she could do. Maybe take over The Cup? Nope, she'd still be working for somebody else, for Gabe, actually, until Chloe came back.
No, if she wanted to be her own woman, she'd have to quit and start her own business. The thought hurt, she loved being part of Gabe and Riley, loved the working relationship and even the work, loved the community of them, but she had to go. It was the only way to save what she had with Gabe. She should have gone long ago, after the first fight, except that would have been before the first kiss. She had absolutely no idea of what kind of business she wanted to start, but she was definitely going to take what was left of her divorce settlement and whatever Budge could screw out of Tim for the agency and start something new. The hell with security in her old age. She could get hit by a truck tomorrow. She should start something new today. Something that would be hers. No men involved.
Gabe came out of the office, shrugging on his suit jacket. "I'll be back at five," he told her as he headed for the door. "You want dinner at the Sycamore or the Fire House?"
"Neither," Nell said. She had a new life to plan.
"You are not going to start skipping meals again," he said from the doorway. "Just pick a place."
"I'm going to eat at home tonight. I want to think." Gabe closed his eyes. "Oh, come on, don't sulk. That's not like you."
"I'm not sulking. I want some time alone to think about things."
"What things? Your life isn't that complex."
"I know," Nell said. "That's the problem. I jumped from one tidy situation to another without ever really finding out what the possibilities were. I just moved right in here and thought I had the same thing with you that I had with Tim. I don't."
"Well, I'm not cheating on you. I assumed that would be a plus."
"You did the same thing," Nell said, trying not to sound accusing. "You thought you had the same thing you had with Chloe."
"I never thought you were Chloe," Gabe said.
"You were right when you said just because I was sleeping with you that didn't make me a partner. Especially here, where the boss always sleeps with the secretary."
"Wait a minute-"
"No," Nell said. "It's okay. You were right and I was wrong."
"Okay," Gabe said cautiously. "So if I'm right, why am I eating alone?"
"Because it was sleeping with you that made me make that mistake," Nell said. "You scramble my thoughts."
"Do not tell me you think we should sleep apart from now on. That's just payback because I won't let you order new cards."
"No," Nell said, getting exasperated because he wouldn't listen. "There's a reason sexual harassment cases are serious."
"I did not sexually harass you," Gabe said. "For Christ's sake-"
"I didn't say you did. I'm just saying Lynnie was right, it's a bad idea for bosses to sleep with secretaries. You of all people know that. It's your rule. Which is why-"
"Which I was more than pleased to break for you," Gabe said. "Can we have this discussion over dinner? I've got places to go and things to do."
"So go there and do them," Nell said, fed up. "And while you're out, get dinner for yourself. I'm going home."
"I'll stop by later." Gabe turned to go.
"No, you won't," Nell said. "I want to think this through."
He shook his head at her. "Don't even think about breaking this off."
"Listen," she said. "You do not tell me what to do."
"Yeah, I do," he said. "I'm the boss."
"No, you aren't," she said. "I quit."
"You do not." Gabe slammed the street door and stood in front of it while she put her coat on and picked up her purse. "Goddamn it, Nell, I have an appointment. I don't have time for this-"
"So go," Nell said, coming around the desk to face him. "I'm not stopping you. I've got everything here so organized that anybody could take over. Get Lu in here. Hire Suze. I don't care. As long as I work here, I'm going to keep trying to be a partner and you're going to keep telling me I'm not, and we're going to be at each other's throats."
"Fine," Gabe said tiredly. "Take the rest of the day off. We'll talk about this tomorrow."
Nell felt the fury rise and smacked him hard on the arm with her purse. "Will you for once just listen to me? I quit. I won't be here tomorrow. I quit your business, I'm gone. I quit." She was so mad she was sputtering. "I don't want to have dinner with you, I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to pretend everything is all right, and I don't want you!"
"Why do I always fall for the insane women?" Gabe asked the ceiling.
"Why do you always drive women insane?" Nell said. "A smart guy would see a pattern here."
"Hey," Gabe said. "I'm not the one with emotional problems."
"Too true," Nell said. "You have to have emotions to have emotional problems. Now get out of my way."
"Fine." Gabe stepped aside and gestured to the door. "When you're over this snit, you still have a job. And me."
"I hate you," Nell said. "Drop dead."
She pushed past him and opened the door, planting her feet down hard as she strode away, exhilarated to have walked out on at least one bastard instead of waiting for him to throw her out. Progress.
Now all she had to do was find a job.
Riley came in while Gabe was standing in the doorway in his coat, thinking unprintable things and clenching his jaw to keep from yelling down the street after Nell.
"I just passed Nell," Riley said as he closed the door behind him. "She looked mad as hell. What happened?"
"She quit."
"Sleeping with you or working for us?"
"I don't know. And I don't care."
"You're a real genius with women, you know that? What did you do?"
Gabe tried to get his temper back. "I just told her the truth, that she wasn't a partner, just a secretary."
"And you felt it was important to share that with her because…?"
"She changed the cards again." Gabe felt his blood pressure rise as he said it. "Jesus, she never stopped until she got what she wanted. If I hadn't put my foot down, she'd have painted the window."
"Let me get this straight," Riley said. "You'd rather lose the best thing that's happened to your business since me, and the best thing that's happened to your bed since Chloe, just so you wouldn't have to paint the goddamned window?"
"It was the principle of the thing," Gabe said.
"That should keep you warm tonight," Riley said. "Of course, it won't answer the phone tomorrow, but I'm sure you've got a plan for that, too."
"She'll be back tomorrow," Gabe said. He opened the street door to go before he got into another argument.
"She will not be back tomorrow. She's the only person I know who's more stubborn than you are. Give her time to cool down and then go apologize."
"For what? Being right?"
"What makes you think you're right?" Riley said. "The damn window needs to be painted. And she's worked as hard for the agency as you and I have, maybe harder. She's put in weird hours and never asked for overtime or time off or anything that any sane salaried worker would do. You expect her to behave like a partner and then you don't treat her like one. Hell, I'd have walked, too."
"Feel free," Gabe said and went out, slamming the door behind him, sick of the whole damn agency.
"Riley says you left Gabe," Suze said after work that night when Nell answered the door of her duplex. "Are you out of your mind?"
"No." Nell stood back so she could come in. "He was never going to listen to me as long as I stayed and played his game. So we'll just see how he does without me."
"Oh, good." Suze flopped down on the daybed and annoyed Marlene. "And while we're at it, we'll see how you do without him."
"Not a problem," Nell said. "I've been alone before."
"Yeah, you were alone without Tim," Suze said. "That was a step up. Alone without Gabe is going to be hell."
"He'll come to his senses," Nell said. "He'll ask me back. He'll want me back."
"And if he doesn't?"
"Then I'll start a new life. What would you say to starting a new business with me?"
"Doing what?" Suze said, frowning at her.
"I thought that could be your call," Nell said, coming to sit beside her. "You decide what you want to do, and I'll run the business side."
Suze closed her eyes and shook her head. "Nell, I don't even know who I am right now, let alone what I want to do. I can't even walk away from the man I'm divorcing. He keeps calling and I can't bring myself to hang up. I know you can run anything, but I'm not your answer." She took Nell's hand. "And this is ducking the problem anyway. You love Gabe. You love the agency. I've never seen you as happy as you've been these past months. Walking out on him was dumb." '
Nell swallowed. "You're supposed to be on my side."
"I am," Suze said. "Go back there right now."
"What?" Nell said, taking her hand back, outraged. "I'm not going to apologize."
"I didn't say apologize. Go back there and do him on his desk and he'll forget it ever happened."
"No, he won't. He'll remember and know I caved. If I'm ever going to be anything but somebody he orders around, I have to stick this out."
"He's probably thinking the same thing about you." Suze crossed her arms, looking disgusted. "I have to tell you, you're not going to get a lot of sympathy from me on this one. You were happy with him."
"I can't sell myself into bondage because he makes me happy," Nell said, her bravado gone. "Because I'm going to resent it, and then I'm going to resent him, and that'll kill it. That's what happened with Tim. I had to pretend that he was the smart one, that I lived only to serve, and I started to hate it and then I hated him. No wonder he left."
Suze sat back. "I had no idea."
"I didn't, either," Nell said. "Until I was listening to Gabe tell me I was nothing but a secretary, and it was deja vu all over again." She bit her lip. "I can see it coming for us, too, and I swear to God, I'd rather leave him loving him than lose him hating him. I can't do that again."
"Oh," Suze said. "Oh. You're right. My God. That's what happened with me and Jack. Not the manipulating part, but…" She thought about it a moment. "I just got so tired of being the child bride, and he wouldn't let me be what I needed to be."
"I know," Nell said. "And that makes it so much worse. If you can look at somebody and say, 'I never loved you, you were a mistake,' that's one thing. But if you look at him and say, 'You were everything and I poisoned it because I wouldn't stand up for myself,' that's hard. That's too hard. I can't do that with Gabe."
"You're right," Suze said. "Okay, you win. How can I help? Besides starting a new business with you," she added hastily. "That's out until I get my life together."
"Go be Gabe's secretary on Monday," Nell said. "Call Margie to take back The Cup for a while, and go help him and Riley. You know how to keep the place running. I don't want the business to suffer. And God knows, Margie needs to get out of that house. She's getting stranger by the day."
"You sure you want to leave him?" Suze said.
"I'm sure," Nell lied.
On Monday, Gabe smelled coffee as he came down the stairs from his apartment and felt unaccountably relieved. Of course Nell hadn't really left him. She was a sensible woman. She loved him. She
He stopped in the doorway to the office.
She was Suze, looking like a Hitchcock blonde in a well-cut gray suit a lot like the one Nell had been wearing when she'd put her shoulder into his window that first day.
"Hi," Suze said, pouring his cup of coffee. "Nell sent me to fill in until you find somebody else. I'm hoping it's just until you come to your senses and beg her to come back."
"Do you have any idea how to run this office?" Gabe said.
"Like Nell did?" Suze nodded. "She's been showing me things right along. I can't solve any problems, but I can keep the place going."
"Who's running The Cup?"
"Margie. Since it was an emergency, she told Budge she had to come back."
"You're hired," Gabe said. "As long as you don't mess with my business cards, you can stay."
"Your business cards are butt-hgly," Suze said.
He took his coffee cup from her, said "Thank you," went into his office, and sat down at his desk.
His father's pinstriped jacket sneered at him from the coatrack, reminding him of Nell and those long, long legs. "Suze," he yelled and she came in. "Get rid of that coat.
And take the hat while you're at it."
"Okay," Suze said, collecting them. "Anything else?"
She stood in a shaft of sunlight from the window, possibly the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen in real life, and he wished she were Nell.
"No," he said. "Thanks anyway."
Suze took the hat and coat out to the reception room and stowed them in the closet there. Until Gabe got out of this mood, she wasn't getting rid of anything. She sat down at the desk and called up the appointment log as Riley walked in and stopped dead in the doorway.
"No," he said.
"What?" she said. "I'm just filling in until they get over this."
"No, you are not," he said, looking like a maddened bull. He pointed to the doorway. "Out."
"Gabe said I have the job," Suze said. "What's the matter with you?"
He walked past her and went into Gabe's office without knocking, and she heard him say, "No, no, no," before he slammed the door.
What the hell was wrong with him? She got up and pressed her ear to the door, but she couldn't hear anything, so she turned the doorknob slowly and pushed the door open just enough to hear Gabe say, "Get over it. We need her until Nell comes to her senses."
"Nell is not going to come to her senses," Riley said. "Nell is right. You are wrong. Go apologize and get that blonde out of here."
Good for you, Suze thought, ignoring the blonde part.
"You know, there's a distinct possibility she doesn't want to sleep with you," Gabe said. "It's not inevitable."
"Yes, it is," Riley said. "She goes."
Me? Suze thought.
"She stays," Gabe said. "Grow up."
"Let me ask you this," Riley said. "Has there ever been, in the sixty-year history of this firm, a secretary one of the partners didn't sleep with?"
"No," Gabe said. "But we're coming up on a brand-new century. Anything is possible."
"That's why I want her out of here," Riley said, and his voice was closer, so Suze scrambled back to her desk and was typing gibberish as he came out the door and glared at her.
"What is your problem?" she said to him, as innocently as possible. "I'm a terrific worker."
"I have no doubt," Riley said. "It's not you. Exactly."
"Well, then?"
"We have a tradition here. You don't fit it."
"Oh, please," Suze said. "I do, too. I'm perfect for it."
"What?" He looked startled, and she pointed at the black bird on the filing cabinet.
"The Maltese Falcon," she said. "Sam Spade. I make a great Effie Perine. You can even call me 'Precious.' I'll gag, but I'll handle it."
"You know The Maltese Falcon?"
"Of course, I know The Maltese Falcon," Suze said, annoyed that he thought she was stupid. "It's not my favorite but-"
"What's wrong with it?" Riley said, looking belligerent again.
"Sam Spade, for one thing," Suze said. "That 'I won't play the sap for you, sweetheart' bit. What a crock."
"Hey," Riley said. "Do not criticize Sam-"
"He spent the whole story playing the sap for her," Suze went on. "She fed him one line after another and he bought them all because he wanted to sleep with her, and then she slept with him and he bought some more because he wanted to continue sleeping with her. If they'd stuck a spigot in him, they'd have had maple syrup."
"You clearly do not understand the code," Riley said.
"What code?" Suze snorted. "He was sleeping with his partner's wife. That's a code?"
"Women are treacherous-" Riley said.
"You're pathetic," Suze said. "I have work to do. You can go."
"- but I'm on to you," Riley went on. "I won't play the sap for you, sweetheart."
"Oh, sure you will," Suze said and turned back to the computer.
"Probably," Riley said and went into his office.
Suze sat and stared at the computer screen for a minute and then she got up and went into Riley's office. "Since you hate me anyway," she began.
"I don't hate you," he said, looking annoyed.
"- I slept with Jack Sunday night."
He was still for a moment, and then he leaned back in his chair. "Congratulations."
"I feel really stupid," Suze said. "I was really getting over him and-"
"Suze, you were married to him for fourteen years. You don't just walk away from that. At least women like you don't."
"What do you mean, women like me?"
"You loved him for a long time. It takes a while to get over a long marriage."
"Two years."
"What?"
"You said two years. When we were talking about Nell."
"Right," Riley said. "Most people are pretty much back on track after two years."
"I'll be thirty-four," Suze said.
"And still a babe," Riley said. "Relax and give yourself some time."
"You are being awfully nice about this," Suze said.
"What's wrong with you?"
"I don't hit people when they're down. However, you seem to be recovering nicely, so watch it from now on." Suze nodded and turned back to the doorway.
"So you came in here so I'd be lousy to you?" Riley said. "Thanks a lot."
"No. I had to talk about it with somebody, and for some reason I picked you."
"Okay," Riley said. "You all right?"
"Yes," Suze said and took a deep breath. "I certainly am."
Nell was sitting at her dining room table, drinking her third cup of coffee and trying to think of a plan, any plan, when the phone rang. Gabe, she thought, but when she picked it up, it was Jack.