Fat Assassins (31 page)

“Alright, you hop in the shower and I’ll fix us some dinner.” The smell of BBQ and mashed potatoes greeted me as I stepped out of the shower, making my stomach growl approval. The shower and food returned me to full power and I was ready for Ulyssa’s crazy plan.

“This is your outfit for tonight.” She grabbed a stack of clothes and laid them next to me on the couch. “And your wig.” She produced an Elvira wig and added it to the pile.

“Khaki slacks and green polos? We going undercover at the GAP?” I snarked, pulling my hair into a ponytail and adjusting the wig over my head.

“Ready?”

I nodded.

“We just have to make one more stop along the way. Let’s take your truck.” She grabbed a plastic bag off the counter and we were on our way. I navigated the Sidekick through the country roads connecting Nitro and Scary, following Ulyssa’s directions.

“Where are we going?”

“Turn here and then drive another mile.”

“Stop ignoring me. Where are we going?”

“To borrow a car.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Slow down.” She was searching through the darkening night for something.

“This is it. Pull over here.”

I pulled the Sidekick to the side of the road.

“Turn the car around and wait for me on the other side of the road. I’ll be right back.”

She hopped out of the truck and disappeared up the dark, wooded hill.

I sat listening to the crickets and watching the sparkling fireworks of lightening bugs. Country living is peaceful and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

The gentle popping of gravel interrupted my thoughts. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw a dark object rolling out of the dirt road and stopping next to the truck.

Ulyssa leaned across the darkened VW Bug and whispered at my window.

“Follow me.”

She started the engine and lead me a mile down the road before flipping the headlights on.

I felt my gut wrench into knots. I recognized this scene.

I followed her to a truck stop outside Charleston, where she parked in the back lot outside the view of security cameras.

“You gonna hop in?” She yelled from the window. “Oh, grab the plastic bag.” I had a worrisome tingle along my spine as I gave the VW Bug a second look, locked up my truck and joined her in the car.

“Did you just steal a car?” I accused her.

“I borrowed it.”

“Borrowed? So you had permission?”

“Um.” She put the car in gear and pulled back onto the highway.

“That’s what I thought.” I still have issues from the last time we ‘borrowed’ a car. “Last time we borrowed a car - we got arrested.”

“Don’t exaggerate. My parents didn’t press charges. Besides, this is different. We’re not joyriding to the pool hall. It’s a matter of life and death.”

“Save your excuses for the courtroom, we’ll need ‘em.” I shook my head.

“How DID you steal it?”

“Walked in the door and grabbed the keys off the counter.”

“So, who’s car did we just steal?”

“I don’t know. I just trailed him home last night when he was leaving Molly Maid. Stop saying I stole it, we’ll have it back before he even wakes up.”

“Perfect. What’s one more felony to an ever growing list? I didn’t expect us to get parole anyway!”

“We won’t get caught if you listen to me. There are FBI agents posted outside his house at all times, so don’t get freaked out when you see them.” She tried to re-focus me on the plan. “Just keep looking forward and ignore them. We’ll be okay once we get inside the house. When we park, walk around and grab one of the cleaning supply buckets out of the backseat.” 

A government vehicle with two agents was parked in front of the driveway. I did exactly as she instructed and followed her up to the door. She wiggled the door handle and the door whooshed open. My senses were super heightened when we stepped through the door. I waited for an alarm to signal our intrusion or at least a German Shepard attack. Nothing. I guess when you’re the local mobster, most folks are too smart or too scared to break into your home. I squeaked when the door clicked closed behind me.

“Shhh.” Ulyssa held her index finger up to her lips then waved for me to follow behind her. We walked down the hallway past unusual pieces of art. One looked like crushed beer cans randomly arranged across a bicycle tire. A giant painting on the left wall had a giant empty suitcase folded open and filled with dirt and blooming flowers. Garden gnomes were positioned at the four corners of the suitcase like watchmen in a castle. They must have been protecting the flowers from the twenty odd cats circling the outside. It must’ve been the byproduct of a drug high. Ulyssa quietly cleared her throat, drawing me away from the cat cavalcade painting into the kitchen.

It was a magnificent kitchen with granite counters and gleaming copper pots everywhere. The refrigerator was the industrial kind with glass doors. Ulyssa swung the door open and surveyed the contents. She pulled out some Chinese food cartoons, cream cheese spread, a jar of pasta sauce, and giant jug of green puree. I watched as she opened the Chinese carton and sprinkled the basil over the food. She picked up the cream cheese to do the same thing.

“Psst. Won’t he notice green in the cream cheese?” She held up the lid and pointed to the label. “Onion and chives blend.” I gave her a thumbs up.

She finished adding the basil to the other containers and replaced them back in the fridge in their exact spots.

“On to the electrical.”

We grabbed our cleaning supplies and headed upstairs.

The elegant, twisting staircase was a good backup plan. Anyone who fell down it would have to be drunk to survive.

Ulyssa opened the first door, but it was a closet. The second door led to a spare bathroom. She continued down the hallway looking for the master bedroom.

It was behind door number five.

It looks more like a lair than a bedroom.

Everything was black marble, dark wood, and mirrors. The masterpiece of the bizarre art collection was positioned above the giant waterbed. It was a giant Alpaca seated on a throne, wearing a crown and gold necklaces. His queen was human, but the rest of the court were birds and sea creatures. A seahorse, dressed like a belled court jester, was juggling crabs. I tried to shake the Dali-esque painting out of my head.

We should not be here. This guy is seriously twisted. If he catches us - he’ll kill
us.

As if summoned by my thoughts, a raspy voice slivered from the corner. “You girls looking for something?”

Marcus sat in an old oak chair positioned in the corner of the room, lightly scratching his disgustingly long finger nails down the curved arms as he waited for us to respond. 

I cowered behind Ulyssa, wishing I’d worn my gun. 

“We’re with Merry Maids. Here for the usual cleaning. We usually start with the bathrooms because they need the most work. Know what I’m saying.” She laughed nervously.

“Well, well. Don’t let me stop you. Go ahead about your business.” He swirled his hand towards the bathroom.

We shuffled backwards never taking our eyes off him. “We’ll shut the door, so we don’t disturb you.” We stepped into the marble monstrosity of a bathroom and closed the door. I sat the cleaning supplies down and started wheezing.

“Pull it together.” Ulyssa started pacing. “We’ll just clean the bathroom and leave. As far as he knows, we’re Merry Maids.”

My breathing resumed a normal pattern.

“Get your bucket and let’s get this over with.” She walked over to the bathroom sink and set her bucket down. She pointed me towards the giant jacuzzi tub while she started cleaning the mirror. 

I didn’t like doing my own housework and it annoyed me that I was having to scrub a gangster’s bathroom. “How long do you think we should stay in here?”

“At least twenty minutes.” She finished up the mirror and started on the sink counter.

I looked at my watch and sat down on the tub. “We’ve only been in here for seven minutes.”

“You’ve got to be patient or he’s going to get suspicious.” I sighed. “Maybe you should shave the cables while we’re in here….”

“I was thinking the same thing.” Ulyssa grabbed a tool from her cleaning box started looking around the bathroom for exposed wires or electrical outlets. “It looks like they built it to code. I can’t do anything with these outlets. They’re designed for use in bathrooms.”

“What exactly were you planning to do?” Marcus asked from the doorway.

Ulyssa spun around with the wire strippers in her hand.

Fight or flight instincts took over and I kicked my arms and legs straight out from my body. I think there’s a type of beetle that uses this defense in the wild. In my case, it sent me careening backwards into the bathtub. I really started freaking out then because gangsters liked killing people in bathtubs. It was easier to clean up the mess. Ulyssa and Marcus stared at me as I struggled to flip over onto my stomach and drag myself out of the tub.

Ulyssa stepped forward to help, but Marcus raised a gun and pointed it at her.

“Stay where you’re at.” He looked at me. “Get over there with her.” I jumped out of the tub and scurried over to stand beside Ulyssa.

“This is all a big misunderstanding, we’re with Merry Maids…” She started.

“I don’t think so.” He interrupted. “See, I cancelled my cleaning service for this week. I have an important meeting with the Mexicans tonight and I couldn’t have anyone interrupting it.” He stepped to the side and motioned with the gun for us to leave the bathroom. “But, yous already know that dontcha?” 

We shook our heads side to side.

“Lying isn’t going to save you.” He waved the gun down the hallway again.

We tiptoed past him afraid he would shoot us. He followed us down the hallway, keeping the gun trained on our backs. I flinched when I heard a click, but he had just opened his cell phone.

“Hey, fellas. I need a couple of yas to come over early. Got a couple problems. Everybody else sticks to the plan. Our guests will be arriving in six hours.” We reached the top of the swirling staircase and stopped. He poked me in the back with the gun.

“You first. Try anything funny and I’ll kill your friend.” I grabbed the handrail and slowly guided myself down the stairs. Ulyssa and Marcus were close behind me.

“We’re going to go in the kitchen and have a little chat while we wait for the party to show up.”

We clung to each other as he guided us to the kitchen. We sat on the stools at the kitchen island. Marcus walked around the island keeping the gun trained on us.

“How much does the FBI know about tonight’s meeting?”

“Huh?”

“Don’t play stupid. It just pisses me off even more.” He pointed the gun at my chest and spoke directly to Ulyssa. “I’ll ask one more time. How much does the FBI know?”

“Um. I don’t know. We’re not FBI.”

That took him by surprise. “That’s interesting. Then why were you trying to install bugs in my bathroom?”

“What?”

“This little game is getting old. If you’re not FBI - why were you installing listening devices in the bathroom?”

“We weren’t.” His finger curled around the trigger and I shrieked. “We were trying to kill you!”

“What?” He started laughing so hard he had to lay the gun down on the island so he could grip his sides. “You two? Kill me?”

I was really getting annoyed at his disregard for our assassin potential. I kept staring at the gun wondering if I could get across the counter fast enough to grab it and shoot him. Ulyssa must have been thinking of more subtle options.

“Are you hungry? I’m hungry. Can we have a quick snack while we wait?”

“You’re about to die and you want a snack?”

“Even death row inmates get a last meal.” She responded.

“Okay. Make me a sandwich while you’re at it. Killing people gives me an appetite.” He picked the gun back up and pointed it at me. “So, who hired you to, um, kill me?” He couldn’t stop the maniacal laughter from rattling through his tough guy exterior.

“Um, the Mexicans?” I stalled, watching Ulyssa pull the poisonous cheese from the refrigerator. I was afraid to tell him that Nicolo had hired us because then Nicolo would have yet another reason to kill us. I didn’t know the Mexicans, so that seemed a safer bet.

He stopped laughing and gave me a hard stare. “The Mexicans?” 

I nodded.

“Damn it. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted them. Who contacted you?”

“Jesus.”

Ulyssa stopped making the sandwiches and gave me an incredulous stare.

I guess I could have picked a more popular name, but all I could think of was her mom’s attack dog.

“Jesus?”

“Yes. Jesus told us to kill you.” I was starting to sound like the Son of Sam killer.

“Hmmm.”

Ulyssa put a plate full of sandwiches down between us.

I grabbed a sandwich off the plate and crammed my mouth full to avoid anymore questions.

Marcus wasn’t going to let me off that easily though. “Are you sure it was Jesus?”

“Yup. Jesus and I go way back.”

He picked up the sandwich. Ulyssa and I sat staring, waiting for him to take a bite and hopefully keel over. We all jumped when the backdoor swung open and two men stepped into the kitchen. Marcus put the sandwich back on the plate and stepped towards the men.