Authors: Jack Wildman
“What do you mean?” He asked quietly, “You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I wanted you because you’re beautiful and you make me want to be a better man.”
“But do you even love me?” She asked, “Even a little bit? Or was it just because you missed having me in your bed?”
“Of course I care about you,” Edward cried, “I’ve told you things I’ve never told anyone except my wife. I missed you in my bed yes but it was so much more than that. When I’m around you I feel amazing and I feel at peace. You make me feel comfortable and happy.”
“So you just like the way I make you feel…” Suzanne said slowly, “you don’t like me for me.”
“That’s not what-...” Edward said before groaning in frustration. “You’re twisting my words Suzanne.”
“Do you want to be with me?” Suzanne asked firmly, “I mean for a long time to come? Because I’m not sure you do. Yes I make you feel happy and peaceful but do you like me for me? I said something to you in the restaurant and you said I was being ridiculous and laughed at me. That’s not something you do to someone you care about, not straight off the bat.”
“Well you were being ridiculous!” Edward cried, “You’re claiming all these women hate you because you’re with me but it sounds to me like your ego’s getting out of control. You’re probably making it all up.”
“That! That right there is what I’m talking about,” Suzanne said. “You do not say that to someone you care about in the slightest, not straight away.
You listen to their concerns, offer solutions and then, maybe play around and turn their thoughts down. But you do it gently. You don’t insult them.”
“Fine, I’m sorry,” Edward said, rolling his eyes. “Happy now?”
Suzanne clenched her jaw and resisted the urge to punch him.
“Am I happy now?” Suzanne asked icily.
Edward began to realise he may have made a mistake in his phrasing.
“No I’m not happy. And you still haven’t answered my question. Do you want to be with me for a long time in the future?”
“Well… I… erm,” Edward said quietly as he thought. “The thing is… I… um… maybe?”
“Edward,” she said with a sigh, “I’m starting to think that we may be a long way off being ready to commit to each other properly.”
“Well can you say you want to be with me for a long time in the future?” Edward asked, “Because I’m getting the feeling you can’t answer that question straight away either.”
“I can’t answer it at all.” Suzanne said sadly. “It’s just… what you said about my ego and those women really hurt. The same thing happened with Joseph, before he started cheating on me. Women would look at him like he was god’s gift and they would glare at me.
Maybe not as much as with you but it was there. When I told him about it he called me ridiculous and walked off. And then I found out that the looks continued and he eventually started to sleep with other women. That’s why the women staring at you and your reaction got to me so much.”
“Suzanne I’m sorry,” Edward said, “I didn’t realise. I’m an ass.”
“Yes… yes you are,” Suzanne said with a smile even as she wiped away her tears. “But you’re a good ass and you’re realising your faults. That’s the important thing. But the thing is… I think we’re not ready, either of us, to commit to someone. I think we should just go home.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Edward said slowly.
He reached out and pulled Suzanne against him, holding her tightly. They stood like that for a few moments, just holding each other before breaking apart.
“Come on,” he said, taking her hand in his. “Let’s go home and go to bed. We should be able to make the last train.”
And they did make the last train. The skies had been bright blue when they had taken the tube to St Pancreas but by the time they stepped out of the underground they had turned a dark grey and rain was starting to fall. They raced from the underground opening and into the shelter of the station.
“Well my train leaves from King’s Cross,” Suzanne said, shivering from the cold.
“Mine leaves from here,” Edward said quietly.
“Well…” Suzanne said.
She didn’t finish her sentence, she just looked up at Edward, into his beautiful eyes, taking in every last detail of his face. She wasn’t sure if this was a permanent end to them and she couldn’t bring herself to say that it was. The idea of doing so just hurt her too much. She swallowed and she could feel her eyes burning as tears began to well up. Then she realised that Edward’s eyes were doing the same. He didn’t say anything though, he simply held his arms out to her. She threw herself forwards, clinging tightly to him. He wrapped his arms around her and held her against his chest. She could feel every muscle pressed against her, the warmth of his breath on her hair as he breathed, even the gentle kiss that he placed on her temple.
She laid her head on his chest and listened to his strong heartbeat. She could smell his aftershave, sharp and citrusy, as well as his own underlying scent that spoke of manliness and musk. She held him tightly and he held her back, almost painfully. Tears fell from her eyes, onto the soft fabric of his shirt. She paid them no attention as she just held him, etching every detail into her memory.
Neither of them knew if this would be the last time that they would see each other, whether they would ever be together again, and neither wanted to let the other go. The hug between them seemed to stretch and stretch and yet it felt like in no time at all they were breaking apart, stepping back to look into each other’s eyes. Edward gently wiped a tear from her cheek.
“Have a safe trip,” he said quietly. “Let me know when you get home.”
“Same for you,” Suzanne said with a soft, watery smile, “I hope… good…”
She couldn’t finish her sentence, she only looked at him, tears in her eyes. She knew that there was a tiny bit of hope there, the hope that one day they would be ready to be together but both knew that for now it would not happen. Her heart felt as though it were breaking and yet at the same time she felt a sense of relief washing over her. Edward smiled and turned, walking away without saying another word.
She was grateful for that. She knew that if he had said anything, if he had looked at her for a moment longer she would have broken down. He had saved them both the agony of an awkward and sad breakup by walking away and they both knew where they stood. She turned and made to cross the street, racing through the rain. All around her the cars beeped and screeched their brakes. Pedestrians walked around, not even noticing that one of their number’s heart was breaking as she walked.
Edward watched from St Pancreas as Suzanne crossed the road and made her way to the entrance to Kings Cross. His heart felt heavy and light at the same time and something niggled at his brain. He felt as though there was something unfinished between them but wasn’t sure what it was. As he watched Suzanne stop at the crossing light, the sun broke through the clouds for a moment and a shaft of light fell on her. His heart literally skipped a beat as he saw the way her hair shone in the light, the way the sun’s rays illuminated her skin and face, making her suddenly seem like a teenager. And he saw the sadness in her eyes. He realised what he had to do.
“Suzanne!” She heard a voice crying, “Suzanne wait!”
She turned and saw Edward, racing across the street towards her. The rain continued to fall and she gasped in horror as a car almost hit him, barely stopping in time to avoid his legs. Edward paid it no attention though, simply continuing on as though nothing had happened.
He finally reached the other side of the road and raced towards her. Without saying another word he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against him. The rain fell around them, hitting them and soaking in to their clothes. They just stood there, pedestrians walking around them and barely paying them a second glance.
Then Edward stepped back and looked at Suzanne, cupping her face in his hands. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, a long lingering kiss that seemed to say so many things in such a small amount of contact. He held her close once more, burying his face in her neck.
“I love you,” he whispered in her ear, his voice breaking slightly, “I love you now and I always will. I am yours, always.”
Then, giving her no time to react Edward pulled away and walked back through the crowd and across the road to St Pancreas Station.
Suzanne simply stood there, watching him until he vanished through the doors, mingling with the rest of the crowd. And still she stood there, soaking in the rain. She felt lighter, relieved even. She might not have gained the man that she wanted, the partner that she thought that she needed to be happy but being with Edward had helped her find something even better.
She had found herself.
She had found that she was happy alone, she was happy with her friends and that a partner simply added to that happiness rather than being the sole source of it. She knew that she could speak up for herself, she knew what she wanted from a relationship and she knew how to get those things and make them reality. And it had been Edward who had helped her get herself back. She had been lost for so many years, changed from the woman she had thought she was into someone she didn’t recognise and she hadn’t even realised it had happened until Edward came along.
He had pushed her, made her see her limits and made her stand firm. She smiled and began to walk through Kings Cross towards her platform.
She knew that he would always be there for her if she ever needed him, that a single text message would bring him back into her life without a question. And she smiled to herself. Then her phone beeped.
I am yours, always. E xx
Was all the message said.
She was back and he was out there, ready to save her if she needed it or wanted it. Suzanne was content and truly, deeply happy for the first time in a very, very long time.