FATHER IN TRAINING (19 page)

"Gary and his friends chased me out of the yard and onto that dirt road.
Gary
said he was gonna beat me up. I didn't know what to do, but I didn't want to run. Then Kyle came through the bushes and yelled at
Gary
to let me alone." He grimaced. "When I heard Kyle, I looked at him. That's when
Gary
punched me. Kyle chased 'em off. He said the best way to deal with a bully is to know how to defend myself. He started to show me how." The
unbruised
side of his mouth turned down. "That's when you came in and got real upset."

"I see."
Sandy
rose and walked to the window. She closed it halfway,
then
stared out at the night. From what Blake told her, Kyle had done what he could to stop the fight. Kyle had tried to tell her that, but she had been too busy assigning blame. Why?
she
wondered. Why did she always want him to be the bad guy?

"Mom, can I play with Robby again?"

She turned to look at her son. He hadn't had a friend in a long time. "Sure, honey. You can go over there, or have him come here. You two will probably want to avoid
Gary
, though."

"Yeah. I don't like him."

She needed to talk with
Gary
's parents. Then she realized she didn't know the boy's last name. She would have to ask Kyle. If he was still speaking to her.

"Are you mad at Kyle?" Blake asked.

"Not in the way you think. Grown-ups have different kinds of mad."

"But we didn't go to his house for the barbecue."

No surprise there. She'd told Kyle she wanted him to stay away from her. She flinched. She'd overreacted. She saw that now. Once again she'd reacted to the fear of not being in control. "You wouldn't have been able to eat anything," she said.

"I know, but I could have, you know, been there." Blake looked at her. "I like Kyle, Mom. He's gonna teach me how to defend myself so
Gary
can't hurt me again."

Sandy
wasn't sure how she felt about that, but she didn't want to get into it tonight. "We'll talk in the morning. Right now, why don't you get some sleep?"

"Okay." He turned onto his side.

She moved next to the bed, then bent down and kissed his cheek, being careful to stay away from the bruise. Then she turned off the light and left the room. Nichole was already in bed, but Lindsay was waiting downstairs.
Sandy
wasn't ready to face her oldest yet.

She paused by the top of the stairs and tried to remember everything she'd said to Kyle. It was all a blur. She remembered parking the car and starting to get out. Lindsay had come running outside and told her Blake had been in a fight and was bleeding. Her next clear memory was standing in Kyle's kitchen and telling him she wanted him out of her life. He'd tried to explain, but she hadn't let him. It was so much easier to make everything his fault. If it wasn't, she would have to look to herself. She would have to question why she did things. She couldn't afford to let her carefully constructed world crumble. It was all she had.

She sat on the top stair and buried her face in her hands. It was all too confusing. Her body was screaming at her, yelling, "He's the one, he's the one," while her head kept calling her a fool. Kyle had the potential to break her heart and that had her running scared. She'd made such a huge mistake with Thomas. She'd taken a look at the exterior package and had assumed he was what he appeared to be. Who ever heard of a philosophy professor who went rock climbing and cut class to surf? She didn't want to be stupid again.

So where did that leave her? If only Kyle hadn't asked her if she was ever lonely. By bringing the question to the light of day, she'd been forced to face reality. The truth was she'd spent her life being lonely. As a child, her days had been filled with secrets. Caring for an alcoholic mother hadn't been easy. After her mother had died, she'd expected to only feel relief. Instead, she'd mourned her parent. The move to Glenwood had allowed her to heal some, but she realized now it had come too late. She'd never been able to let go enough to be a child again. She'd crossed the line to adulthood and there wasn't any going back.

With Thomas, she'd hoped to finally find a place to belong, a relationship between equals, where she could be both care giver and care receiver. She'd wanted to let someone else carry the burden for a while. It wasn't to be. She'd found that out the first week of classes, when he'd skipped lectures to surf. She still remembered how shocked she'd been. He was the professor. He'd shrugged off her concern by pointing out there were only a certain number of good surfing days in the fall, and he intended to take advantage of all of than.

She'd tried to make the marriage work, but it was destined to fail. Thomas had been content to let her take care of everything and she hadn't been willing to let some things go undone in an effort to force him to help. So the loneliness had gotten bigger until it filled her life and left her numb.

Sandy
rose slowly and walked down the stairs. She stepped into the family room. Their blue floral-print sectional sofa blended with the soft ivory walls. She'd found an old rug in the attic and had aired it for a couple of days. The blue and rust tones brought out the colors from the couch and the hardwood floors, making the room look homey. Lindsay sat in the far corner of the sectional. She had the TV on, but the sound turned low.

Sandy
sat in the oak rocker she'd bought when she first found out she was pregnant. It felt like yesterday, but it was over thirteen years ago. She'd sat in the chair night after night with her hand on her belly, willing her baby to be happy and healthy. Lindsay sure wasn't happy today.

"I've about had it with your sulking,"
Sandy
said, throwing down the gauntlet. If she didn't jump start her daughter into talking about what she was feeling, Lindsay would spend the next week moving from room to room and sighing loudly whenever anyone was in earshot.

"I'm
not
sulking," Lindsay said, glaring at her. "I'm simply wondering why you enjoy ruining my life."

"How is your life ruined?"

Her daughter rolled her eyes. "You
know."

"Because I don't want you to see Kyle so much? Honey, it's not good for you to spend too much time over there. He's an older man. You have these…" She paused, not wanting to make the situation worse. "You have these ideas about him, but they aren't realistic. You're still a child."

Lindsay jumped to her feet. Her long brown hair spilled over her face. She brushed it back impatiently.
Sandy
recognized the movement as one she made frequently herself. They were more alike than they looked on the surface. Maybe that's why they were often at each other's throats.

"I'm not a child. I'm practically a teenager. I'm growing up, even if you don't want to admit it. Maybe because I'm young and beautiful and it makes you feel old."

Sandy
forced herself to remain calm. "Talking and thinking ugly is going to make you ugly inside and out, young lady. I'm trying to treat you like the mature person you claim to be, but if you act like a child, I'll send you to your room just like I would with Nichole."

"Please." She put her hands on her hips. "I don't think it's fair for you to tell me who I can and can't see."

"I don't want you at Kyle's house by yourself." She met her daughter's mutinous stare. "I'm going to talk to him in a couple of days. If we get everything straightened out, then yes, we'll have contact with him. As neighbors. It's not right for you to be there all the time. He's got a personal life, and he doesn't need a young girl getting in the way of that."

"It's not like that," Lindsay said loudly. "It's not. He likes me. You're being mean because Daddy loved me more than you. You're afraid Kyle likes me more, too. You're punishing me for that."

She started to run out of the room.
Sandy
jumped up and grabbed Lindsay's arm. Tears filled her daughter's brown eyes.
Sandy
pulled her close and held her. Lindsay resisted,
then
sagged against her.

"Hush,"
Sandy
murmured. "We're all a little on edge since we moved. It's been a big change for all of us."

Lindsay continued to cry.

Sandy
smoothed the girl's hair and wondered where the first mistake had been made. Had it been letting Lindsay go off with her father? Who knows what Thomas had told the
child.
Lindsay had made this accusation before.
Sandy
wasn't sure what it meant. She suspected her daughter was afraid her father had loved her more, and she felt guilty about that. Or maybe Lindsay knew how
Sandy
had been hurt.
Sandy
hated to admit the weakness, but sometimes she had felt left out of Thomas and Lindsay's special world.

"I never resented the time you spent with your father," she said. At least that was true. She'd done her best to understand.

"Really?" Lindsay raised her head and looked at her. "But I heard you guys fighting about it. You didn't want me to go."

"That wasn't about you. I was afraid he wouldn't take good care of you. He was forgetful."

"I know." Lindsay gave her a shaky grin. "He left me at a rest stop a couple of times, but he always came back for me."

Sandy
hugged her close. She didn't know whether to be furious or to laugh. It's a good thing she hadn't known that while Lindsay and Thomas were gone, or she would have worried herself to death. The important point was that Lindsay was fine now, and they were together.

"I love you,"
Sandy
said. "No matter what, I'll always love you. I know you don't always agree with what I say or the rules I insist you follow, but I hope you know I set them because I think they're the best thing for you. I don't make rules just to be mean."

Lindsay sniffed. "I know, Mom. I'm sorry I said that. I didn't mean it. I was just upset about, you know."

Kyle.
Sandy
was afraid there wasn't anything she could do about her daughter's crush except let it run its course. Eventually, Lindsay would discover Kyle was just a guy. Or maybe she would notice a boy her own age.

Sandy
stepped back. "Are we okay?"

Lindsay nodded. "I'm going up to my room and read
. '
Night."

'"Night."
Sandy
walked into the family room and sat in the rocking chair. The TV continued to play silently. She ignored the images and instead wondered if she would ever learn how to be a parent. It felt as if every time she got one mothering skill mastered, her kids grew a little and needed something else. Maybe she should spend some time with Lindsay alone. They could do the female bonding thing.

Or she could just curl up under a rock until all these problems went away. She sighed. One thing was sure. She was going to have to talk to Kyle. She needed to apologize for some of the awful things she'd said to him.

He had every right to be furious with her. She couldn't remember all the names she'd called him, but she was confident she'd hurt him. She shook her head. Since she'd come back to Glenwood, she barely recognized herself. Her nerves were shot, her hormones in a constant state of arousal. Her body hummed at the thought of seeing him. It didn't make sense. She was dealing with a part of herself she'd long thought dead. She wasn't prepared for this; it wasn't fair. Her entire world was unraveling and she didn't know how to make the process stop.

Tomorrow, she would talk to Kyle, she promised herself. She would apologize and ask him about that
Gary
kid, and find out where the boy lived so she could speak with his parents. Next, she would discuss whether or not Blake really needed to know how to defend himself. She hated to think of her son getting in fights, but she also didn't want him beat up. This had to be some kind of guy thing she would never understand.