Fear (4 page)

But, speaking' as a guy that recently slept with Gaia and is thinking about a relationship with Tatiana, seeing the two of them together makes me nervous. When your old girlfriend and your new girlfriend talk, it doesn't matter what they're talking about; you're always the loser.

ED STOOD NEAR THE DOOR
to the school library and watched Tatiana and Gaia whispering together at a table on the far side of the room. What could the two of them be talking about?

They were living in the same house, so okay, he guessed there were several possible subjects that might be under discussion. They might be arguing about who got first shot at the bathroom in the morning. Or maybe they were talking about borrowing each other's clothes. No, scratch that. He couldn't imagine Tatiana ever wearing any of Gaia's clothes, and he couldn't imagine Gaia in anything but her jeans and sweatshirt. (Actually, he could also imagine Gaia
out
of her jeans and sweatshirt. He imagined that one a lot.) None of those conversations were interesting, anyway. It would be more interesting—and frightening—to Ed if the two girls were talking about: Ed.

He moved back behind a bookshelf and watched the girls over the volumes of Fiction:
Nu-Pe.
To someone who didn't know them, it would seem so normal. Two pretty teenage girls talking together. But Gaia and Tatiana? Lately Gaia had been acting like she couldn't stand Tatiana. Of course, Gaia had been acting like she couldn't stand anybody lately. But then, Tatiana hadn't exactly been leading the Gaia Moore fan club, either.

What would make these two sit together and whisper? Could they really be talking about Ed? It was possible. After all, he had been with Gaia only a few days back. Since then he had spent a lot of time with Tatiana. Maybe the two of them were deciding who should really be with Ed.
Maybe they were deciding that neither of them really deserved Ed because he was far too wonderful for any one woman.

Maybe they were talking about how to end world hunger, pay the national debt, and get their clothes rainwater fresh.

If they were talking about Ed, Gaia was probably complaining about how he wouldn't leave her alone and Tatiana was probably complaining about how he wouldn't stop mooning over Gaia. Of course, they might not even be talking about Ed. After all, he had heard a rumor that there were other subjects in the universe.

It would be easy enough to solve the mystery of this conversation. All Ed had to do was come out from his hiding place, cross the room, and talk to them. He could just put the crutches under his arms, limp across the library, and flop into a chair beside them. Then, if they stopped talking, there would be no question what the conversation was about.

But that wasn't what Ed wanted to do. What he wanted to do was throw the crutches across the room, run out into the center of the library, and dance on a table. He wanted to announce to the world that Ed Fargo was back in the game. He didn't need a wheelchair. He didn't need the crutches. He was a free man.

He could surprise both Gaia and Tatiana. Not just surprise them—shock them, thrill them, abso-freaking-lutely astound them. He could see it now. How Gaia would be sitting there with her mouth open. Tatiana would be smiling and clapping. There was bound to be joy. Maybe even tears. Yeah,
somebody would have to be standing by with towels to mop up all the crying that would go on from serious, frigging joy.

And for a grand finale, while the girls were still sitting there with the tears rolling and the joy joying, Ed would waltz across the room, take Gaia in his arms, do a graceful little dip, and kiss her astounded mouth. Everybody in the room would jump up and cheer. The music would rise up in something good and Movie of the Weekish. Balloons and confetti would fall from the ceiling. End credits. And they all lived happily ever after.

That sounded cool and all, but Ed didn't move.

There was something in Gaia's expression that made him hold back. She might be chatting with Tatiana about something trivial, but Ed didn't think so. The expression on Gaia's face was serious—even for Gaia. He hated to interrupt her. Worse, he hated to put on his show and find out she didn't even see him.
Gaia looked so serious that she might not notice if Ed strapped on rollerblades, shot across the room, and landed on the table after a triple lutz.

But there was an even better reason he held back. Before Ed went sweeping a girl off her feet and kissing her in front of the whole school, it would probably be a really good idea to make sure he picked the right girl.

Ed's
Big Decision:

OPTION ONE: GAIA MOORE

Pros

Heart-stopping beauty:

Not only does Gaia have the face and body of a dream girl, she doesn't know it. A beautiful girl that doesn't know she's beautiful. That's so rare, she should be listed with the Endangered Species Act.

Brains:

Gaia has skul1-numbing smarts and a great to-hel1-with-what-other-people-want attitude.

The love thing:

Oh, right. . . I love her. And not just “hey, I'd love to peel her clothes off and touch every inch of skin on her firm yet supple body” love. Not that I don't think about doing that twelve times a minute-because I do. But I also love her. Would do anything for her. Wait a hundred years for her. Crawl over a thousand broken pickle bottles and across a salt flat. Sing along to an 'N Sync CD-love her.

Cons

Unpredictable:

That could go on either list, really, because being unpredictable is also one of the things I love about Gaia. But there's a big difference between the kind of unpredictable that says “let's cut class and go to the park” and the kind of unpredictable that goes “hey, I know we just made love, but I'm leaving and I don't want to see you again.” That second kind of unpredictable is definitely on the con side.

Won't open up:

Gaia hides things from me. From the beginning, she didn't tell me everything that was going on with her father, the rest of her family, the people she stayed with, or, well, anything. I like to think I understand Gaia, but that's just something I tell myself. I don't know jack about what's going on inside that beautiful head of hers.

She hates me:

This is kind of a big one. One moment we were having sex and I was sure that Gaia was just as much in love as I was. The next she was cold, distant, then gone. Since then she's pushed me away at every turn. No matter how I try, no matter how much of my heart I've ripped out and handed to her, Gaia wants nothing to do with me.

OPTION TWO: TATIANA

Pros

Ditto on the beauty thing:

Not the same kind of beauty as Gaia. More delicate, but also more exotic. Cheekbones for days. Eyes to die for. Good lips. Really good lips.

The accent:

Okay, I have to admit that it does something for me. Just talking to Tatiana makes me feel like I'm taking a trip halfway around the world. She has a different perspective than the other students at Village. In some ways she can come up with ideas that are just as strange and unpredictable as Gaia's.

She likes me:

A definite bonus.

Cons

Nothing:

Really. There's nothing wrong with Tatiana. She's completely drool worthy. Cool. Hot. Pick a temperature. It's only that no matter how much I want her, I don't need her. Or maybe I do need her; I just don't
ache
for her. If Tatiana zipped back to Russia tomorrow, it would hurt big time. I'd miss her. I'd be lonely. I'd be sad.

But I'd live.

WHILE ED WAS WORKING THROUGH
all his mental lists, Gaia and Tatiana finished their conversation.
He was so lost in thoughts about the theoretical Gaia that he almost didn't notice when the real thing got up from her chair and started to leave the lunchroom.
At the last second Ed snatched a book off the shelf and jerked it up in front of his face. Gaia marched past. She didn't even glance his way. Which was good because Ed would have had a hard time explaining why he was so engrossed in a volume of Sweet Valley High:
Twins.

He shelved the book and moved cautiously to the door. Gaia was walking away down the hallway. Ed watched for a second—watching Gaia walk was always good—then turned back into the library.

With Gaia gone, Tatiana had picked up her sketch pad from the table and started to drag the tip of a flat-sided charcoal pencil across the page. For a few moments Ed held back, watching her as she began to sketch. Tatiana's pale hair spilled over her shoulder, her lips were slightly open, and the pink tip of her tongue stuck out through her teeth as she concentrated on her artwork. Her fingers moved across the page in smooth, confident strokes.

She really is beautiful,
thought Ed. And he would know—he considered himself an expert in this area. After all, he looked at women every day. Especially the beautiful ones. There were a lot of attractive girls in the Village School, but Ed's opinion was that most of them were pretty because they were seventeen and female. Not much more than that was required. But as a serious student of observing beautiful women, Ed could tell that Tatiana was something special. She would be beautiful in college, beautiful after college, beautiful for life.

And there was serious talent in her slim fingers. Even without looking, Ed knew that the sketch Tatiana was making would be amazing. She had this way of catching the little things. The way the light came through the windows, the way shadows fell, the way people moved. She could lock up a moment with a few strokes of charcoal in a way that the most expensive cameras couldn't match.

Tatiana had the complete package: looks, brains, talent, heart. It made absolutely no sense to give up a chance to be with a girl like Tatiana just to keep hoping for another shot at Gaia Moore. Tatiana was the perfect girl. But not for Ed.

Ed walked slowly across the room. A few students gave him funny looks as he walked along without the help of crutches, but none of them said anything. He stopped right behind Tatiana and peered over her shoulder. “Another masterpiece in progress?”

She turned toward him with such a heart-shredding smile that he almost, for just a second, changed his mind. What guy in his right mind wouldn't want to be the focus of that smile?

“Ed!” she said in a voice as bright as her smile. Then she bit her lip and lowered her volume to more library-friendly levels. The bright I'm-so-happy-to-see-you smile twisted toward a hey-I-just-remembered-I'm-pissed-at-you frown. “Why haven't you called me?”

Ed was completely blindsided by Tatiana's direct approach. And so he did what any red-blooded American male would do in the situation: he turned the tables on her and stalled for time. “Oh, I don't know. . . . Maybe I've just been a little too busy walking.”

Tatiana's eyes went wide. “Your crutches! You're not using your crutches!”

“Nope.” Ed stood on one foot and spun around in place. “No crutches. No wheels. One hundred percent pure feet.”

There was a moment in which Tatiana seemed frozen in her chair. Then she jumped to her feet, rushed to Ed, and threw her arms around him. “This is wonderful!” she cried. “How did this happen!”

Ed stumbled back a step. “Whoa, careful. Don't knock me over when I just got back on my feet.”

“Sorry. Sorry.” Tatiana let him go, but it was clear she didn't want to. “This is. . . this is. . .”

“Pretty damn cool, huh?” Ed grinned down at her. After spending so much time in the wheelchair, then being slumped over the crutches after that, he had forgotten he was actually a pretty tall guy. He had gotten used to looking up at people—even girls like Tatiana. Now that he was on his own feet again, he realized that he was quite a bit taller than this small girl. The change in perspective almost made him dizzy.

Ed started to say something else, but before he could open his mouth, students all over the library climbed to their feet.

“Way to go, Fargo!” shouted a guy beside the next table.

“Edward's walking without crutches!” said the girl leaning on the card catalog.

The applause started somewhere at the side of the room, but it spread quickly. In moments almost everyone in the library was standing and applauding.

Ed felt his cheeks getting warm and knew he was blushing. They were all smiling at him. All of them cheering. He remembered the way people used to cheer when he did some great trick on his skateboard. This was kind of like that, only different. He tried to think of something to say. Something sharp. Something funny. There wasn't anything to say. In fact, if he had opened his mouth at all, there was a very real chance that Ed Fargo was going to end up crying in the middle of the Village School.

As suddenly as the applause had started, it faded and stopped. Students quickly dropped back into their seats and picked up their books. Ed turned around and found himself face-to-face with a pinch-mouthed librarian.

Ed cleared his throat. “Uh, hi, Ms. Cerame. I was just—”

“I'm sure whatever you were doing was very amusing to the other students, Mr. Fargo,” said the librarian in a voice so monotone, it could have been generated by a computer. “But unless you take your seat and keep your voice down, I will have you removed from this library and this school. Is that clear?”

“Absolutely. Totally transparent.”

The librarian stared at him for a few seconds longer, then turned with a sniff and marched back to her office at the end of the room.

Tatiana came over and took hold of Ed's arm. “How did this happen? It's like a miracle.”

“I just got better,” Ed said with a shrug. “Come on. Let's sit down and talk before we get booted.”